Ma Mum loves Number twos!

Hullo, az wiz goin tae rite ma blog earlee er but mee and Mollee couldnae stop laffin. Noo ewe all kens mee and ewe kens as am a rite compasshonate dug, but see fing iz, az have a fing aboot laffin when udders are no laffin. Ah cannee help masell and ma mollee cannee help hursell.
Noo thiz iz a troo storee and az swears tae masell thiz iz the troof. Wit happined wiz thiz. See ma Mum, shee pure loves numbur twos. Noo befour ewes go off on wan, wate until ah tells ewes why. Noo remebur ma Dad pure took wur car fur sum off road drivin, then ma Mum felt left oot, so shee let a man pure slam intae hur frum behind. Well that wiz acksident number two! Well ewes will no beleevee wit happined todays. Ma Mum haz had toofake fur like free weeks noo and wees wur all fed up listenin tae hur greetin. So too weeks ago she got her appointment wiff the Vet Dentist and hee pure poked hur aboot and said hee wid need tae doo a bit of gardening in her moof. Noo when az says gardening, wit ah meens iz that hee wiz goin tae work on the roots.
So hee pure gave ma Mum two rite big injections. (See there is the numbur too again!). Ma Mum pure suffered fur a hole week, until shee couldnae take anymores, and ended up getting the Vet doctur tae give hur rite strong pain killers that made hur even mare dizzy than she normally iz!! The next times shee seen the Vet Dentist he geed hur an udder too injections and pure finished working on the root. Fankfoolee that wiz it over. But wate it wiznae! Ma Mum pure woke up thiz mornin, well we fink shee woke up, coz shee looked like she wiz deed. Shee wiz greetin again. Next fing the Vet Dentist foned and telt ma Mum tae go back tae them rite away. Noo thiz iz the funnee bit....ewes will no beeleeve it.....the Vet Dentist discovered that he pure fixed the rong root. It wiz the toof next tae the wan he fixed that wiz broken. So ma Mum iz pure havin tae get an udder session wiff the Vet Dentist tae fix the rite toof. But hee geed hur an udder too big injections. This time he pure paralised hur hole half face and shee came home lookin like shee had dun too rounds wiff Mike Dyson!! Well, mee and Mollee pure laffed so much, az finks Mollee wet hursell, and ah swears too ewe that iz the troof. Noo everybuddee iz pure sayin tae ma Mum 'so ewe reelee wur in pane fur all these weaks'.
So az ewe can sea ma Mum pure loves numbur twos, ah meen who else dae ewe ken that diz everyfin in toos, sept old Wizzy Wonga ??
Well ah must go noo, coz ma belly iz sore wiff laffin. Hope ewes have a nice day TWOday!!! LOL
Big Presley the King Docktur xxxx

Bloo Seep

Hullo everyboddees, az am up reelee earlee today coz its gettin neer Kissmass time an mee and Mollees iz pure excited. Well ma Roobee iz mutch better todays, az didnae ken wit wiz wrang wiff hur, shee wiz actin like ma Dad diz efter hee's haz had a foo drinks - like pure confoosed.
Noo wees iz confoosed coz wees didnae ken wit wiz up wiff hur.
Noo az promised ewes ah wid tells ewes a funnee storee and az swears tae masell this iz the troof. Sum readers may find the content of this storree pure shockin.
See wit happined wiz this. Mee and Mollee wur oot in the car wiff ma Mum a foo weeks ago and wees wur drivin doon the road past all the seeps in the fields. Mee and Mollee pure shout aboose at the seeps by tellin them that a woolf iz behind thems, its reelee funnee and Mollee giggells all the times. Anyways, next fing az saw and a swear tae masell thiz iz the troof, az pure seen a seep wearing loads of leather straps on his body! He looked like hee wiz makin wan of they pure rood movies. Az fot it wiz called a Bandage Movie, but am no sure if its called that, coz ah had a bandage once and it wiznae made of leather. Well, this wan seep wiff the leather geer on, wiz playin leep frog wiff all the udder seeps in the feeld. He wiz havin a pure ball. But thiz iz the rood bit, coz ewe widnae beelevee wit he did behind the seeps backs when hee played leep frog. Hee wiz pure sprayin them wiff bloo paint. Az said oh no sh... a brick, wits hee dane that fur, an az wiz shoutin at the seeps tryin tae tell them, but theys fot az wiz cryin woolf again and theys all ignored mee. A foo days later wees past this feeld again and ewe will no beelevee wit az seen. Every last wan of the seeps in the feeld had bloo paint on thems, honest they did. So that seep in the leather geer, had pure played leep frog wiff every last wan of thems. Noo wit az want tae know iz how diz hee tell all hiz babes apart, coz they all looks the sames tae mee. Az finks hee should have painted them different colors tae tell thems apart.
Wee Mollee jist pure giggled all the times when shee seen all the bloo seep. So if ewes sees any bloo seep or udders wiff paint on them, ewes will ken theys have bin playin leep frog wiff the seep in the Bandage geer. Rite, am off tae find a tin of bloo paint. Molleee, oh Molleee, where are ewe. Love and peese from King Presley xxxx

Am in the dug hoose

Hullo all ewes, az hopes ewes are dane better than mee, coz az am in the dug hoose.....eye again!!
See fing iz, thiz wit happined tae mee. Ma Mum and Dad pure decided tae splash oot and bye a rite expensive kissmass tree. It wiz gold. But see fing iz, ah fot that coz it wiz gold that it must bee wan of they On-sweet fings fur a King like me. So az waited until it wiz all reddy fur mee and ah used it. Next fing az heers iz ma Mum pure screemin - noo, its no eesy tae stop mid flow, but ah did ma best. Ma Mum says am no aloud tae use ma noo on-sweet in the livings room. Noo az swears tae masell that is pure the troof. Wits the point in havin an indoor lavee and ewer no aloud tae use it. It must bee there to like pure impress udder dogs that wees haz a gold toilet in wur hoose. But see fing iz, its diznae work, coz ma Mum says Presley that is pure oot of order! Maybees theys iz waitin fur a plumber tae plum it in or sumfin. So if ewes are comin tae visit mee, rememburs ewes cannee use wur noo on-sweet yet.
Am away off tae rite ma kissmass list tae Santa Paws and tae look efter ma big sistur Roobee who isnae very well todays. Shee iz so pure a babe, and az gets upsets when shee isnae well.
Az will let ewes ken how shee iz tomorrows.
Love fae Presley the King xxx

Kismass Song

Hullo, yes az am back and am mutch better noo that az am over my dug floo!! Fank ewes fur all ma get betters cards, but next times am no well, can ewes jist send mee the monee instead. Fanks.
Noo az didnae spend all ma ill days jist bean ill, az wiz listening tae the box wiff no wires. Its called a wireless fur any uneducated peepells. Noo there wiz an old codger that kept singging a song, hiz name wizz sumfin tae dae wiff a rock - day ewe kens who az am meenin? Eye, it wiz Cliff. Thats a cool name. Az liked hiz singging very mutch, but he didnae sing all the wurds rite, so az made up sum of ma ane. The song iz aboot the cold weather and it wiz called Missin Toes and Wine. Noo wit az wid like ewes all tae day is tae sing along wiff mee and ma version goes like this.

The dug is a King, the udders they swing
The old yeer is passed, Bazil haz sum gass,
Dreems of Santa, dreems of ssnow
Wur paws are numb, wur bums are aglow

Korus
Kissmass time missin toes and wine
Wees are fartin all the time
Wur logs are on fire
Wees iz peein on the trees

Wiff food in wur bellys, Wizzy legs are like jelly
A time fur eating, everfin wees sees
A time fur living, a time fur getting
A time fur thursting, A time fur lusting
Kissmass time is love Kissmass is a feest
When ah gets ma paws on Mollee
I'll show hur am a beest

Korus
Kissmas time missin toes and wine
Wees are fartin all the time
Wur logs are on fire
Wees iz peein on the trees

Noo when ewes all heer old Rock face singging thiz song ewes can fink of mee, but rememburs dont bee turds change the wurds!
Rite az will need tae go noo, but if ewes like ma song, az will let ewes heer ma vershun of Hart of Gass. Bye for noo, big Presley the songriter, fillosifur, orfur, poet and lover of all the beetches. xxx

Dug Floo

Hullo all ewes oot there, az cannee rite mutch todays coz az am no well and az finks az will need tae see a Docktur. Az haz Dug Floo. Noo Dug Floo iz like man floo, an az am no feelin masell.
Az had lots tae tell ewes, coz wee got wur noo car the udder dae, and ewes will no beeleeve it, but it pure looks like a herse. Az swears tae masell it does.
Az will have tae go back tae ma sick bed coz az didnae ken wits up wiff mee. Maybees az have bin poisuned eatin ma Mums mince or somfin, but Mollees iz pure fine.
Az spent sum time wiff the pussy cats that lives hear and maybees Charlee haz pit a Dug Floo spell on mee or sumfin. Mollee isnae aloud tae spend times wiff wur cats, coz shee like pure dribbles when shee sees cats and thats no nice.
Az am going tae fill ma hot water bottle and goes back tae ma bed and feel rite sorree fur masell.
Az will speeks tae ewes all tomorrows if az am feelin better.
Love tae ewes all, fae Big Presley the King xxx

Ssssnow way man

Hullo all ewes ma fans out there. Noo ma englilish isnae very good, so maybees az should have rit, hullo all ewes ma fannees out there. Az will check ma grammur later so az didnae offend anyones. Well see fing iz, mee and Mollee have bin playin in the exercise yard here at Lan Ark, coz its pure covered in snow. Wees pure loves the ssnow, well no the yellow ssnow and wees reelee hates the brown ssnow. Wizzy always seems tae bee neer brown ssnow, so az finks he likes it! So az wiz talkin tae ma Mum and she said shee wid build mee and Mollee a ssnow man, but az didnae want a ssnow man, so az asked her if she wid help mee and Mollee build a ssnow dug. She said she wid, but she pure hasnae, coz she haz bin pure running all over the country wiff hur work. Shee is like oot at work fur like aboot 30 hours in wan day, to helps udder peepells who are pure sad.
So fing iz shee iz gettin wur udder noo car todays, coz the windaes have bin pure blacked oot in it noo, so shee can use it fur hur work. Shee bott the car in Engerland, where shee goes tae work. Az finks she wid have bin better bying a ssnow mowbeel tae drive up and down to Engerland in, but no, shee fott shee pure kent better and bott a car. Wit a tube!!
Shee said shee wid build wur ssnow dug twomorrows if shee isnae two bizee, but az finks az will ask my sycho Dad tae build mee wan, coz hee jist pure sits aboot all day and stares at hiz compootur.
Az will tell ewes all wit wur noo car iz like when ma Mum gets homes frum Engerland tonites.
Have a nice days and az will speek tae ewes all later, coz az have a rite funee storee tae tell ewes.
Love fae Big Presley the King xxx

Ma Mums bin cheetin on us

Well ewes will no beeleeve wits happined tae mee and ma Mollee, wees are frum a brokin home. Ma Mum haz pure bin cheetin on us. Az swears tae masell she haz.
Noo let mee tell ewes aboot it. See ma Dad wiz pure asked tae bee a judge and az finks ma Mum must have bin the jewree. Anyways, off theys goes yisterdae and theys left mee and Mollee and all the udder inmates in wur cells and wees sat and waited fur wur antee ehleen tae come and let uz oot. Noo wur antee ehleen iz pretty cool, coz shee gives us loads of liver treats and wees play wiff hur.
Eventuallee ma Mum and Dad came home and az pure smelt theys had bin cheetin on mee wiff udder dogs. Theys canny lye tae mee, coz am no stoopid. And az seen hairs on ma Mums troosers, so thats how ah kent. Then az herd them sayin somfin aboot Kissmass Time and how wees wid bee rite pleesed wiff what Santa Paws had bott uz fur wur Kissmass. Ah fot tae masell, oh no wae man, theys have only gone an pure got dug numbur ate!!
So az had tae turn dicktective and find oot wit wiz gone on. Az waited until ma dinner times, and then az pure looked aboot everywhere fur cloos. Then az pure seen it!!! A bag, and ewes will no beeleeve wit wiz in it. There wiz like sevin noo dug collars! Honestlee, that iz pure the troof. So az finks Santa Paws iz bringing uz no wan, but sevin dugs tae live wiff uz!!
Az have bin finkin aboot noo names fur the noo dugs and az finks az will call them effter Santa Paws raindears, coz that wid bee rite cool.
Az will let ewes ken wit az have decided tae call ma noo brovers and sisters, but in the meentimes, az am no going tae let on az kens the troof and az will make ma Mum and Dads life a pure misery fur cheetin on mees wiff udder dogs.
Lots of love, fae Big Presley the King xxx