Ma spellin!

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee heer big Presley.
Az sum of ewes ken az am a fillosifer, coz az am a finker. Noo ah have had a complaint sayin that ah cannee spell very well an ah cannee pronounce an 'h', coz ah says fings like fiss, fur unedoocated peepells that is sumfin that swims in watur!. Wan persun says ah did no have a good commmando of the engerliss langwage. Thats coz az am Scotteesh an am no fae Engerland, but ah dae rite ma blog in the engerland langwage. Anyways ma Mum says shee wid help mee wiff ma spellin and shee fot it wid bee a good ideer if ah red the noospaper tae help wiff thiz.
Ah didnae like the storees in the papers coz they wurnae aboot dogs and beetches, so ma Mum says why dae ewe no reed the sexshon wiff the dog furs sail in it. Noo that wiz cool, ah didnae ken ah could jizt bye ma ane beetch frum the noospaper. Ah seen hunners of dugs fur sail all lookin fur a nice home tae live in. Noo sum of ewes will have kent that a rite stoopid persun invented a dug called a Labra Dooodell. Ah have pure seen wan of them. It wiz too yeers ago and ma Mum entured mee in a dog show called Scruffts or sumfin. Noo ah should have won paws down, nae bover tae the King, but the stoopid wumin who fot shee wiz a judge didnt ken hur Pedigree Lurchers frum hur Greyhounds and shee said ah wiz a Greyhound. Ewe kens ah diz like tae dane impershonashons, but why wid ah preetend tae bee a Greyhound, when ah could have entured ma Mollee in the show and shee iz a pure pintsized Greyhound. Anyways, efter that wumin says that, ah says ewe iz a plonker, az am a Pedigree Lurcher but shee widnae heer tell of it, and nexx fing a flamin Labra Doodell stood next tae mee and shee picked it tae win.
Noo ah kens that stoopid peepells pays hunners of pounds fur wan of these Mongrells, coz they fink they are a rtie speshall breed or sumfin. But ewes will no beeleeve wit ah seen fur sail last nite in the noospaper. Ah seen ah Cock A Poo! Az says wit the .........., iz a Cock A Poo?. So ah got tae finkin wit wiz that mongrell made up of?? Well ah cannee reepeet on heer wit that mongrell iz made of, coz thiz iz a familee blog. Then ah fot tae masell, no wate wan minit, maybees theys have jizt run oot of names fur dug breeds and theys have gone doon the sames road as the Amereecan Injins, who pure named fings efter the first fing they saw, like...'runnin watur', 'little dove' and 'shittin Bull'. So ah finks that iz why they have called a dug Cock a Poo!!. Am no so sure ah reelee wants tae even see wan of these dugs, and az will no bee byein wan coz they cost £750 and az only haz £7.50 and free Euros in pockit monee.
Well thats all fur noo, az am away tae improov ma spellin and ah fink ah will campane fur less Cock a Poo's and mare dugs like mee. Ah wid bee a Greyollie, coz az am a kross between a greyhound and a collie. Love tae ewes all fae King Presley the Greyollie. xxxxxx

Poor Auld Wizzee the Wonga

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah doo hope ewes are enjoyin the sssnow, coz am no. Ah am fed up wiff it noo, but ma Molleee pure loves it. Ah fink shee neerlee loves the sssnow az mutch az shee loves mee, but no quite fankfoolee, udder wize ah will be dumped again.
Anyways, ah have an udder troo storee tae tell ewes and ewes will no beeleeve wit az am aboot tae tell ewes. Diz ewe rememburs that ah said ma big brover Wizzy Wonga, wiznae feelin himsell, well if ewes didnae rememburs ah telt ewes yisterday or the udder dae.
Ma Mum wiz rite worried about Wiz, cos hee wiz shakin his heed and ma Mum wiz shakin hur heed, coz shee didnae ken wit wiz rang with Wiz. So ma Mum pure foned the Vet Docktur and made an appointments wiff them. Auld wizzy wiz a bit worreed when he seen ma Mum takin him oot tae the Pet Herse, so ah shouted frew the fence wurds of encouragements, ah says..."gone yersell auld Wiz, have a rite nice times, ewe is only goin tae the Vet Docktur, ewe will no feeel a fing". Ah fink Wiz wiz pure greetin by wit ah says, but az wiz only tryin tae help.
Ma Mollee said that wiznae nice fur mee tae tell Wiz where hee wiz going, but ah fot hee should ken, so hee widnae worree, coz he fot hee wiz going fur a walk roond the Lock.
Well, when they gets tae the Vet Docktur, all 4 of the Dockturs and the Dockturs assistant wur all on standin waitin, like Wiz wiz royaltee of sumfin. Theys said wees will jizt eggasmine him oot hear so he diznae get upsets. They had like muzzells and harrnesses and sedashons all at the reddy fur auld Wiz, who wiz pure wettin himsell when hee seen all thiz.
The Vet Dockturs said "Wits rang wiff him thiz time?" Ma Mum says hee wiz shakin hiz heed all the times. The Dockturs said ah pure hope he iz better behaved thiz time. Ma Mum wiz neerlee greetin noo, coz auld Wiz iz a furrelee nice chap, and ma Mum wiz upset theys said fings aboot Wiz. Then the Vet Docktur leened doon tae auld Wiz and said........noo thiz iz the funnee fing....he said "Ok, Presley lets have a look"!!!!!! Ah swears tae masell that iz the troof. The Vet Dockturs fot auld Wiz wiz mee. Noo that explains why all fore of the Dockturs wur there, theys fot it wiz mee and thats why theys wur treetin Wiz like Royaltee.
Ma Mum pure burst oot laffin and said thats no Presley, thats Wizzeeeee. The Docktur pulled wan of they funnee faces and says "Wit on erff wur ewe finkin, callin a boy dug Lizzee". Well by thiz point ma Mum wiz neerlee wettin hursell laffin, but Wiz wiznae, coz hee wiznae impressed wiff the Docktur. Poor auld Wiz, wiz taken in a herse tae the vet, and then he wiz pure made oot tae bee wan of they transeggsual dugs!! That wiz enuff tae make anybuddee ill.
Ewes will bee rite pleesed tae ken that Wiz iz all rite noo, hee had pure scratched the inside of hiz eer and made it bleed neer the Kanal. But wee diznae live neer a Kanal, we lives neer the watur, so ah finks they got that bit rang.
If ewes have any auld pink collurs that ewes dont need anymore, pleese send them tae mee and ah will give them tae Lizzeee, ma transeggsual bruver.
Love fae big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fanks

Deer everyboddes, az jizt wanted tae tell ewes an udder storee.
See fing iz thiz, diz ewe rememburs that ah wiz pure ill a foo daes ago and ah said no tae send mee get well King Presley kards. Well sum of ma fannees were so socked at reedin that ah wiz so pure ill that they didnae reed that bit! Coz ewes will no beeleeve wit Postman Pat brung mee.
Hee pure brung mee the followin eyetems, sent tae mee frum ma fannneees.
Numbur Wan: An Eye patch!
Numbur Too: A get Well Kard fur ma Vet
Turd Fing: Free stickee plasturs
Numbur Fore: A packit of poo bags - fur ma Vet
A dont fink there wiz a numbur five fing:
Numbur Sex: A white stick fur tae move around wiff
Numbur Sevin: A bondage
Numbur Ate: Ten pence
and ewes will no beeleeve wit Number Ten wiz!: A plastick parrott fur tae pit on ma shoulder!
Ma Molleee wiz pure laffin when shee seen wit ah had got, coz shee fot theys fings wur reelee funnee.
So ah wid jizt like tae say a big fank ewe fur sendin mee these fings, but in footure jist send the monee pleese.
Ah am mutch bettur todaes fank ewe, but auld Wizzy isnae dane too well.....but beefore ewes all rush oot tae send him fings, jist contact mee first and ah will start a pockit monee fund fur him coz hee iz ma pal.
Have a nice dae, lots of love fae big Presley the King xxxxx

A Weak Aff

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee again big Presley. Noo ah have a reel troo storee tae tell ewes twoday. Ah telt ewes yisterdae that ma Mum wiz goin on a holleedae tae Bar Seelona, but shee iz only goin there fur a long weakend and no a sort weakend. So shee haz bin finkin aboot holleedaes beecos shee needs a brake away frum hur work.
The storree ah want tae tell ewes twodae is aboot wur nayburs. Noo they are rite cool nayburs ah fink they are called the Goods. Diz ewe rememburs the Good life on the tellys, where the peepells pure went all Green. No green like the incredibull hulk, but weerdo green, cos they like lived off the land tipe of peepells. Well the Goods nexx tae us dae the same fing. They haz seeps, and lams, and kalffs, and chickens and pigs and udder fings and they bring them tae live wiff them and feed them so they are pure fat like Bazil, then they do rite nastee fings tae them and send them tae the chainsaw massacarr man then they pure eets them. YUCK.
Ewe kens ah am a vegeetareean and only eeet meet, so ah diz not agreee wiff dane that tae aneemals. Anyways, ma Mum pure falls in love wiff the aneemals that lives there coz they are wee babees, but shee iz no so keen on them when theys are big and fat and smellee like the pigs wur last summer times.
So wit happined yisterday wiz thiz, ma Mum wiz getting reddy to go oot and the doorbell rang. Ma Dad ansured it and it wiz Mr Good wur naybur. All ma mum could heer wiz Mr Good sayin sumfin aboot a week aff. So once Mr Good went away, shee said tae ma Dad, wit did Mr Good want tae ken aboot ma holleedae? Ma Dad pure laffed cos he didnt understand wit ma Mum wiz talkin aboot. So she pure pulled wan of they faces and said tae ma Dad 'Mr Good said sumfin aboot ma week aff' . Ma Dad pured laffed and says, no, no, no, Mr Good wiznae sayin anyfin aboot ewer week aff, his wiz talkin aboot his week aff. (Ah hopes ewes are followin ma storree!!).
Ma Mum says 'oh is Mr Good havin a week aff tae'? Nexx fing that happined and ah swear tae masell this is the troof. Ma Dad brought in a big bag and opened it and said tae ma Mum 'Mr Good brought us his wee caff, fur us tae eet'. In the bag wiz stakes, and sossogees and under fings tae eet. It turns oot Mr Good got too mutch beef back fae hiz wee caff fur him tae eet himsell and geed it tae uz. Ewe should have herd ma Mum screeem. Well ewes probably did, aboot free o'clock yistereday!! Ah fink shee pure neer fainted too.
So mee and Molleee are rite lookin forward tae eetin Sir Loin stakes and sossogees fur the next free weaks. Hope ewes are no two jelloss!!
Love fae big Presley the vegeetareean meet eeter. xxxxxxxxx

Holleedays in warr zones!

Hullo all ewes oot there, ewes will be rite pleesed tae ken that az am feeling rite better noo, but ah still haz a black eye, well ah haz too black eyes but wan iz still all bloodee.
Anyways back tae bizziness. Ah finks ah will let ewes into a seekret. Ma Mum iz goin away on a holleedays - thats iz pure fantasstick fur mee and Mollee. No fing iz am no soor where shee iz goin, but ah finks shee said shee wiz havin a hooeeday in a pub!. Eye thats troo! Noo the pub iz called the Bar Seelona. Am no soor wit tipes of holleeday shee will have in a pub, but ah fink there will bee sum drinkin goin on! Mee and Molleee wur pure eeree wiggin (thats listenin in tae udder peepeells biziness fur undedoocated peeepells), and ah herd ma Mum sayin shee wiz sad that shee couldnae go back tae hur favorite place fur the weakend. Noo ah finks shee said hur favorite place wiz a place called Beetroot, an ah have niver in ma hole life herd of a place called that. But ma Mollee wiz pure laffin and says it wiz a place called Bayroot. Ah says that cannee be rite Molleee coz ah finks there iz a warr in Bayroot or sumfin and wit wid ma Mum want tae go back there fur.
See ma Mum wiz in Bayroot ah fink it wiz last weak or sumfin, or maybee it wiz a foo yeers ago, am no soor but that wiz when ma Mum wiz at See. Shee had also bin tae Collumbeeah, noo ah fot that Collumbeeah wiz a Dicktecktive on the tellys, but it turns oot its an udder place that theys have bommers. Noo ah have bin finkin aboot the times ma Mum wiz at See and ah fot shee pure worked on the big Sipps fur tae take peepells on holleedays, but ah finks shee wiz maybees reeelee in the armees coz why else wid shee have bean tae these weerdo placees.
Noo if ah had kent fur wan minit that shee wiz in the armees ah widnae huv boxed wiff the Vet the udder day, ah wid have leff that tae ma Mum.
So mee and Mollees are on an undercover opperashon tae work oot if ma mum wiz a bommer. But eiver way, ah bet shee wiznae az good at dane bommers az mee, and if ewes diznae beeleeve mee, ask the Vet coz ah dun the biggest bommer on him that hee had ever seen in the hole of his life.
Big Presley the bommer iz off fur tae get hiz arrmee kit reddy. xxxx

Floatin like a Butter Fly

Hullo all ewes oot there, ewes will no beeleeve wits happined tae mee. Ah have no bin well.

Noo wit happined wiz thiz. Mee and Mollee wur taken tae the Vet fur tae get wur annual injeckshons - thiz only happins one times a yeer. Well in wees go tae see the vet and ma Mollee wiz pure dane hur shakin steevens impershonashon, so ah had tae bee tuff and show hur ah wiz nae feert. Ah wiz rite tuff and scaree, so the Vet pit a hannibal lecture face mask on mee and ah must admitt ah did look like a rite plonker.

Next fing ah seen the Vet stickin sumfin in ma Mollee's neck and ah swears tae masell it looked like a neeedell. Az says 'oh no wate wan minit ewe are no dane that tae mee' and ah pure started boxing wiff the Vet, like skippy the kangarooo. But see fing iz the Vet fot hee wiz tuff two, mare like tuff tee the squirrell if ewes ask mee. Anyways, next fing ah kens ah wiz pure floatin like a Butter Fly, just befour the ineckshon Stung like a Beee!

Ah diznae ken wit happin tae mee, but ah finks ah wiz drugged or sumfin.

Ah shouted 'hey ya tube az am fallen asleep and ah cannee box ewe if az am asleep. I couldnae bite the Vet, so I dun the nexx best fing an ah pood rite on him, how cool wiz that?

Ah wid tell ewe wit happined nexx, but ah diznae ken, so ah cannee tell ewes. But fing iz, when ah woke up 6 hours laters, ah wiz in ma ane living rooms wiff a blanket on mee like ewe see ill peepells have in a hosspetal. Ah looked in the mirrur and wit did ah see? Well ah seen masell, but udder than that ah had a huge massive black eye. Noo ah kens wit ewes are finkin, ewes are finkin that az am a black dug ah have black eyes, but thiz wiz different, ma eye wiz like fool of blood or sumfin and ah had udder cuts all over ma boddee, jist like ma heeero Mohamed Allee.

Ah herd ma Mum sayin tae ma Dad that she fot she should fone the Vet and ask if the huge cut on his hand wiz better. Ma Mollee wiz pure laffin when shee herd that, coz shee telt mee that ah pure geed the Vet a tankin and ma nail ripped a big hole rite doon hiz hand, and a poo'd on him. Ma Mollleee says it wiz the funniest fing shee had ever seen in the hole of hur life and it took the Vet an hour tae gee mee ma innockulashon. Ah finks that is an udder world reckord set by mee big Presley. Noo ah will show ewes the picktoors of mee, so that ewes will ken how pure ill ah wiz, but dont send mee a get well sooon king presley card, pleese jist send the monee insted.

Thiz is ma black eye

Thiz iz mee bean ill

Cheer up dae

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear... big Presley. Ah have had tae make sum decsions over the past too days aboot fings and ah fot ah wid let ewes ken wit ah have decided.
Noo numbur wan fing. Noo pleese do not bee two disapointed wiff ma first fing, but ah have bin inundated wiff orders fur peepells wantin a Klone of mee, but ah fink i'll no bover tae get Klones of masell, coz ah fink Wan King is enuff fur this world tae cope wiff and anyway ma Mollees wiz greetin coz shee said shee widnae ken wit wan wiz the reel mee. An ah cannee have ma Mollee greetin.
Next fing iz that wees have bin pure upsets coz ma big brover went tae Ranebow Bridge the udder day, so ah fot it wiz time tae cheer everyboddees up. Noo ah fot the best wae fur mee tae do thiz iz by showin ewes sum picktoors of mee and ma Mollee. Ewes can print ma picktoor and stick it up. Noo wate wan minite ah didnae say where ewes wur tae stick it. Ah meens on ewer wall or sumfin. Ah ken its no as good as havin a Klone, but its the next best fing. And ....ah can come an stay wiff ewe fur a sleeep over if ewes have a coot beetch in ewer hoose.
Here is ma picktoors fur ewes


Noo thiz nexx wan iz funnee - look at ma Molleees face, ah wiz shoutin tae hur, 'Mollee az have a big fing fur ewe'. Ah diznae ken wit shee fot it wiz!!!