Presleys ane Perfume!!

Yesterday az wiz tellin ewes aboot ma pal DA and how hees is possessed way the spirits fae a bottle, but todays az is going tae tell ewes aboot ma other pal Barry Humphries. Az know him as Hump, cos that iz a right cool name.

Anyways, az wiz reading the Sunday Mail the other day, az thinks it wiz probably on Tuesday, and az sees an advert fur ma pal Hump. Hees is appearing at the SECC as part of a comedy thing in Glesga. Noo az dont ken if any of ewes kens ma pal Hump, but hees like pure dead funny coz he like gets possessed by other people tae. He gets possessed by a beetch called Dame Edna, but the wan that az likes the best, is when hees is possessed by a ghoul called Sir Les Patterson. See coz like, he is the only 'Les' thats no on Channel 5!!! That reminds me of a right funnee fing az sees on the telly, when a geezer wiz asked to name a 'Bean' and he says 'Baked Bean' but they widnae allow that coz someone else had already said that, so he changes his answer tae Les Bean!! I right laffed ma socks off at that answer, that wiz so funnnnnnnnee!! Ewes will no be surprised tae learn that Les Bean wiznae the right answer!

Anyways ma pal Hump haz his ane official website coz hees is the Chairman of the Australian Cheese Board. Noo hees diznae bother too much aboot being PC, noo az dont mean a personal compootar, az is meaning Politically Correct, coz he diznae care who he like offends and az finds that so funnnnnnee, cos the whole world haz gone nuts tryin no tae upset anyone. He is a bit like aw they beetches whoose are selling their fragrance wae their name on it. Coz Hump has his ane fragrance and if ewes stand close tae him ewes can smell it!! Hees haz also decided tae look after himsell, so hees haz cut doon on smoking and drinking. Hees only smokes 60 a day noo and wan bottle of whisky, so I guess hees will be lookin right cool when az sees him next march.

Az haz got tae go the noo, coz az is makin ma ane fragrance here in the study. Az will be back later. Big Presley haz left the study....he is takin care of business in the gerden!! x

Introducing DA, starring in Aladdin

Az seems to have confoosed some people when az wiz talkin aboot ma pal Derek Acorah, (az will call him DA fae noo on), cos theys didnae ken who is wiz. So az fought I should explain tae all ewes uneducated people wit it is az is talkin aboot, cos hees is nofin like ma pal Syco.

He is yon geezer fae the telly, and he does that programme Maste Haunted. Noo az haz never met him before, but az thinks az will need tae have a word in his shell like, cos although az finks hees is the funniest thing az seen since ma Mum was bitten by Ivy, az thinks he has right lost the plot. See, me and ma Molls sit up right late intae the night watchin Maste Haunted. Az loves it, but Molly is scared, and she covers her eyes, ESP..cially when DA gets possessed wiff spirits.

Noo fur all ewes who huvnae seen Maste Haunted, its on wan of they telly channels fae Scotland, called the Isle of Skye, or Skye for short. Thats a right good way fur geezers fae Skye tae earn a livin, making spooky telly programmes, at least theys is leavin the sheep alone!

Noo, see this Maste Haunted is like the Panto Aladdin! Ewes have the main character Aladdin, he is played by ma pal DA. Ewes have Widow Twankey who is played by Evette Fielding (fae Blue Peter). Ewes huv the Genie who is also played by my pal DA, and ewes huv Wishee Washee, who is Evette Fieldings leap frog partner, and hees is also the Producer.

This is wit happens, theys goes along tae a right spookee lookin hoose, a bit like ma prison here, and theys wanders aroond the place in the dark looking fur ghouls. Widow Twankey then introduces Aladdin and she asks him if he can feel any ghouls! Thats when hees grabs his bottle and gees it a rub (before drinking the spirit contents), and oot comes the Geenee!! Aladdin is totally possessed by the Spirit oot the bottle by this point, and hees pits on a brilliant voice. Now ewes will no believe wit he does next! He starts rubbin his paws together sayin things like, "aye is the Master and ewe is the Wench" (wench is an udder word for beetch), and then he starts to feel Widow Twankey Teets! YUCK!! Aye this is true!! Wishee Washee then appears fae oot the dark and gees the Geenee a right tankin fur touchin up his Mrs!! Az is laughin ma socks off by this point. Wishee Washee then distracts us from the fact that hees has just beat up the Geenee, by chucking stones aboot the Haunted Hoose. Thats why he is called the 'Producer', cos hees is the producer of the stones! Ewes will need tae watch this sumetime, its the best comedy panto on the telly.

Az hopes this clears up who DA is fur ewes and although at wan time he wiz a respected Spooky man, he blew it when he agreed tae join the cast of Aladdin in Maste Haunted.
Big Presley has left the study, az is on a mission tae find a ghoul. Oh.....Mum where are you??

Fooneral of a Skunk

Hullo, as iz no very happy today, cos as has just found oot that ma Mum & Dad went tae meet ma pal big Dennis the soundman and didnae take me along. Noo, as has found out that ma Mum & Dad, were away making they weerdo movies again, this time theys wur in a Pet Cemetery. A swear tae masell, that wan day ma Mum will star in a Stephen King movie. Anyways, as wiz checkin oot the fotaes they took at the Cemetery and ah sees that ma old pal Dennis huz buried the deed squirrel on a stick and he hus a black thing on a stick noo. As thinks this must be a deed skunk or somfin. Theys telt me it wiz called a 'boom', and lets face it, if somewan stuck a pole up ewer back bottom, you wid go Boom aswell!! See this fotae, thats ma pal Dennis on the left, Mick the producer in the middle, Jim on the camera, and the deed skunk at his feet on the right!













Az also found oot that yon geezer that is called the Syco Barber wiz with them. Az thinks on a Sunday he goes undercover and calls himsell Gordon Smith. Az didnae ken why hees is called a Syco Barber, probably cos hees uses a machette or somfin tae cut hair and makes a right mess of it. Az need tae warn ma beetch Jenna wae the long hair no tae go tae him, in case he diznae dae a good job and anyways, az can pit up way her long hair, it gees me somfin tae hold on tae when wees is playin leap frog!

Noo I heard ma Mum sayin that the geezer, the Syco Barber is a right smart guy cos he, like, communicates wiff the deed. Noo that wid make sense as tae why he wiz talkin tae ma Mum, cos everytime az looks at hur, as thinks she looks like she died a few years ago!
Az haz read some of the Sycos books, no aboot cuttin hair, but the wans that hees talks aboot the efter life and az thinks he is real cool, cos he disnae make things up and he like, 'feels' if there is beetches around. Noo, az is a bit like that, cos az 'feels' if there are beetches around me, 'esp' ...cially, all the wans that wants tae play leap frog wae me, big Presley the King! Az haz decided that az is going tae allow the Syco Barber tae be ma pal and wees can share oor stories aboot 'feeling' the beetches around us. Az will let ewes ken hows az gets on wae ma new pal, and when his new book comes oot aboot feeeelin beetches. Az reckons its going tae be a right cool book, but az hope az didnae end up in his book fur a right long time. Big Presley is away off feelin his beetches! Ewes can check oot ma pals website on http://www.thepsychicbarber.co.uk/

Ma noo Beetch and Mr Mudpie!!

Hullo, its me big presley here again. Well it widnae be anywan else cos it is ma blog. Right noo, as huz got that cleared up, as just wantin tae tells ewes wit a right good day a hud. This has tae be wan of the best days as has ever hud in the hole of ma life. Noo wit type of day do ewes think ah wid think wiz a good day? Well, as likes a right good mixture of being way ma Molls, ma Mum & Dad, a wee drink, a day oot of the open prison, and loads of beetches. Today az had the lot!!
Me and Molls got taken oot in the Pet Hearse again and wees didnae ken where wees wur going, but wees travelled fur aboot 8 hours and wees arrived at a place called.....well, it diznae matter wit it wiz called, but it wiz a park. Ah sees ma old pal Toby McKay, so that wiz right cool, its always a right releef tae see that hees is still aroond, and his Mum hasnae done him in.
Then az sees a sight and ah fot az had died and gone tae heaven!! Az found a real beetch! Noo she wiz a bit hairy, but az didnae mind that, cos as wiz readin that wumin in Germany are right hairy tae! So as wiz thinkin this beetch must be, like Europeen or sumfin. Az fot she wid be called Heidi or somfin, cos as thinks that is a German type name, but she wiz called Jenna, as guess that wiz pretty close tae ma original guess.
Here is ma new beetch Jenna, noos ewes can look but no touchin. Noo fur ewes way bad eyesight as knows Jenna wiz a real cool beetch, cos shes has 'beetch' written on her collar.









Noo as has tae keep masell in tip top condition for all the beetches to like me so much, and az haz tae work oot in the exercise yard everyday. Noo, ewes all ken just how handsome az is, but let this next picture be a warning tae ewes all, wit will happen if ewes didnae look after yersells. I dont ken wit type of Lurcher this dug is, and I guess he probably looked alright before the 2nd bus hit him, but check oot the nick of this dug!! Az is the wan on the right by the way!! Ewes will no believe wit this dug is called. He is called Mr Mudpie! Thats no right surely?









This get mees thinkin, and me and ma pal Casper (there somfin spooky aboot ma pal Casper), and another new beetch of mine, she is called Lilly Twinkle (dont ask me where that name came fae!!) wees had wan of they conference things (no a pear, cos there wiz 3 of us) aboot Mr Mudpie havin a bit of the old cosmetic surgery done!

Plonker Award!!

Well ello awe ewes oot there, as is back. I wiz busy yesterday so as couldnae post, and as wiz nearly at the Vet again cos as hurted masell laffin, cos ma sides were so sore fae laffin at ma Mum's stooopidity. I wiz gona get ma Mum nominated fur a Darwin Award. Noo fur awe of ewes uneducated wans oot there, a Darwin Award is this: named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards represent examples of evolution in action by showing what happens to stoopid peepells who are unable to cope with the basic dangers of the modern world. These ironic tales of fatal misadventure illustrate some of life's most important lessons.
Noo as ma Mum is alive, only just, she canny get a Darwin Award, but as wiz thinkin, she certainly deserved the Plonker Award. A Plonker Award is named in honor of the mother of stoopidity!
Wee's hus an inmate here at the open prison called Ivor or Ivy for short, cos hee's has some tendencies!! Anyways, he is a real nut job and hee's is probably in prison fur murder of somfin, and hee's has tae keep his Hannibal Lectar face mask on awe the time. Two nights ago Ivy got a treat, cos he hadnae bit anywan fur about three days. After he wiz finished his treat ma Mum fot it wid be a good idea tae rub Ivys tum. Noo that wiz where she went wrang! Cos see, Ivy is so dangerous cos he diznae gee peepells any warning that hee's is aboot tae bite. He like, right catches peepeels off their guard, as hud taught him that efter a hud watched Mohammed Ali fight. Fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee! Way tae go big man!!

So next thing hee's grabs ma Mums hand and tells her tae get hersell tae .......! Maybees he fot she wiz gona check oot his crown jewells or sumfin. Ma Mum pulls her hand back at like 2,000 mph, leaving behind half her skin in his moof! Brilliant eh?? Az wiz laffin cos of the faces she wiz pullin, she looked like a Pit Bull chewin a Wasp, but then she says "I'm sorry Ivy"!! Like she wiznae bovered!! Brilliant, shee's wiz apologising tae Ivy fur near maulin her tae death.

Mum hud tae go tae the Vets tae get her hand all fixed up and a bandage pit on it, and I wiz right laffin when as foond oot she hud tae get an injection in her bak bottom!! As fought ewes wid like tae see wit big Ivy looks like and show ewes a picktoor of wit happened in slow motion this time. Noo a canny says that nae peepells wiz hurt in the makin of this fotograff, cos there wiz!!!

Nae Danger, these ur True Stories!!

Noo as ewes all ken, as am right smart, cos as is a Pedigree Lurcher. Lots of ma beetches wants tae ken wit it is as diz wiz ma time when as is no dane time! Well as like tae spend ma time funding oot wit is going on in the world, cos that is hows a keep masell right clever. Otherwise as wid end up way a brain the size of a pee. No the type of pee ma Molls does, as is talking aboot the size of a mushy pee. As thought ah wid telt ewes some right true stories, from aroond the world and ewes will see how stoopid some folk can be.

Noo this first story is aboot a man form Samburu, (no tae be confused with the car), which for awe ewes uneducated folk is North of Nairobi, Kenya, Africa. This man wiz wan of they nomad types, which tae me is a contradiction in terms, cos 'no mad' isnae how ah would describe him. He wiz walkin up the road, (as thinks he wiz at the pub), but next thing is, he is attacked by a Lion! Noo, that widnae happen tae us walking hame from the pub (ewes are mare likely tae be stabbed), but this man lives in Afrika, so its kinda normal fur them tae be mugged by a lion. He only went and kilt it way his bare hands!! I guess ewes could say he was right lucky no tae huv been eaten alive. But thats no the funnee fing!! Guess wit happened next? The Hyenas came oot to eat the Lion, but theys attacked the man instead. Attacked twice in the wan day, noo if it wiznae fur bad luck, this man widnae huv any luck at all!!. But see they Hygenas theys are right smart, cos they obviously seen the man kill the Lion way his bare hands, so wit did they goes and do, but eat his hands and feet!! So he couldnae kill them. He wiz left fur dead, wae no hands and nae feet (see he wiz legless, thats hows as knows he wiz at the pub). His pals took him to the hospital, but he died two days later. Moral of this story, if ewes drink too much at the pub, ewes end up legless!

This next story will be of interest tae all the dug dealers oot there, cos maste dug dealers that ah kens likes aw types of animals. This wiz aboot a man in Kansas City (thats in America), and ewes will no believe wit he wiz dane. he had only gone and got himself a pet Frog! YUCK. But waits till as tells ewes wit he wiz dane way his frog! This is disgusting, no fur the faint hearted!! He wiz lickin it....!! Noo what the ....... is that aw aboot! How did he no just gee it a bath like most normal peepells wid huv done. It turns oot this frog had a right funny name, he wiz called a Highly-hallucinogenic frog. Thats a right posh name fur a frog. Moral of this story, if your pet needs a wash, pit him in a bath, cos if ewes lick him clean, ewes will be pit in prison!!

Noo as has read another story, this wan is from China, but as will need tae dae ma homework first cos this wan is right disgustin. See ma Dad has long hair and he ties it back in a pony tail. You ken the type, hees can walk doon the road and get a wolf whistle from the brickies, cos theys thinks he is a right bootifool beetch, then he turns aroond and theys sees he is a bloke. Anyway as has just read that in China theys are making hair bands fae used Condoms!! What is that all aboot?? As is gone tae huv tae go and check exactly wit ma Dad is usin tae tie his hair back wiff. Big Presley has left the study, as is checkin oot the hairbands!! xx

A Stoat'in True Story!

Ewes widnae believe wits happened doon here at the open prison...this wiz so funny as fot as should tell ewes aboot it. Ewes kens how ma Molls is the number wan Moose Hunter in the World, well ok, probably just in oor exercise yerd. Every night ma Molls goes oot armed wae her ain teeth, lookin fur a moose for us tae keep as a pet, like Mr Jingles. Noo ewes kens she aye ends up killin oor pet by mistake, but she keeps tryin and wan day I'm sure wee's will huv oor ane Mr Jingles and he will no be deed.

There are millions of wee furry things oot here in the country and wees is just wantin wan tae call oor very ane. As wiz askin ma Mum if wees could get a cat or sumfin, but she said No all cos of ma Molls track record of killin things. A tried tae explain to ma Mum that me and Molls would grow up mentally unstable and probably huv tae have wan of they Frontal Lobotomee fings, if wees didnae huv oor ane pet, but she wiznae bovered and she says that she fot ah already had a Frontal Lobotomee!!. Well that is choice comin from hur, as ewes are aboot tae learn.

A geezer comes tae the open prison and he tells ma Mum he wiz fae the Cooncil and he wiz there tae lay traps for wee furree fings. So as wiz thinkin tae masell that ma Mum wiz gony get me and Molls a Mr Jingles fur wur Christmas or sumfin. Then as heard ma Mum tellin this geezer that she fought theys wur rats!! No wae man. Nae buddy telt me that they wee furree fings wiz rats!! This geezer agreed way ma Mum that cos Tom & Barbara Good, next door hus chickens, that wees could be sharin oor exercise yerd way Rats. Az is no stayin in a place where there is Rats! But then ma Mum telt him that ma Molls keeps killin oor Mr Jingles. This geezer then said..."oh didnae worry then, you'll no huv rats if ewes huv mice, cos the rats would huv ate the mice". This wid right pit ewes aff yer dinner, but its true! Mum, said, well come and look round the front of the house, there is markings which I think is Rat Tracks. Noo, me and Molls couldnae see wit wiz gone on, but wees could hear.
The geezer telt ma Mum that it wiznae a Rat Track, is wiz the track of a Stoat!! He telt ma Mum, ewe definately didnay huv rats if ewes have a stoat, cos theys eats the rats!! OMG, this is like a hole Biology lesson and wees huvnae even been tae school!! Well me and the Molls wiz laffin oor heeds aff, cos ma Mum looked so stoopid going on aboot rats!! She wiz right pleased tae hear that wee's didnae huv rats in oor open prison cos wees had a stoat!! Halleluyah, then came the punch line. Ma Mum looks at this geezer and said "Oh, wees fought it wiz rats and wees has poisoned the stoat" Isnt that brilliant. So noo the same geezer hus tae come back next week again tae make sure, the frigin rats huvnae moved in cos ma Mum only went and kilt the fing that wiz keeping them away. Me and Molly wiz laffin so much, Molly pee'd hersel again! And tae think ma Mum finks as had hud a Frontal Lobotomee...!!!