Hugmanees is here at last

Hullo awe ewes oot there. Az kens ewes huz missed me a right lot, but az haz been right buzy since Santa Coz wiz here. Me and ma Molls hud a pure dead brilliant Kissma ass Day and wees did get a right load of toys tae play wiff. Wees also hud a pure dead brilliant kissma ass Day dinner. Wees sterted wae choo's, then wees hud Prawns, but no jist any Prawns, wees hud 'King' Prawns, coz that iz the only Prawns me Presley the King will eat. Efter wur K.Prawns wees hud a couple of Wizzys poos, then wee hud chokolat, the type fur dugs, and then wees hud turkee and mare biscuits, then wees hud Smoked Salmon fae Royal Deeside fur wur poodin. Ewes always need somfin like Smoked Salmon tae help with ewer poos thats why theys call it poodin, coz ewes always need tae poo'd in the gerden efter ewes huv eatin it.
Noo me and ma Molls decided tae gee big Mac the black bouncer sum time aff, coz it wiz Kissmass, but that meant that wees couldnae go oot in publik. So wees haz jist been dane wit awe right true Royals dae when theys are at hame and az haz been dane a bit of shootin in ma Eestate. Az haz done right well wae ma shootin, and az can noo hit a tree wae ma pee fae a distance of aboot 4 inches away. Cool, eh man? While az wiz practisin ma shootin, ma Molls did a bit of huntin. She wiznae az lucky az mees though, coz she didnae manage tae hunt anyfin. So wees haz still no got oor ane Mr Jingles, maybees wees will be lucky next year. Az did hear a right sad story aboot wit happened tae ma pal Murphy O'Brien and hiz missus Maisie. See their prison guard who is called Mrs Murphy & Maisie O'Brien, she did gets them their ane Mr Jingles, but then ewes will no believe wit she went and done. Az swears tae masell this is true. Shees only went and pit Mr Jingles in the gerden and Murphy and Maisie O'Brien hud tae go and play hide and seek tae get him. That wiz a right bad fing fur her tae dae tae ma pals. Coz az disnae ken if theys ever foond him.
Az finks az should take thiz chance tae wish awe ma pals a right good time tae night and az hopes that ewes huv a right good new year.
Az haz made some pre-dick-shons fur 2008 and az will tell ewes aboot them tomorrow, coz az the only pre-dick-shon az haz hud fur tomorrow is that oor prison guards will no be up oot of their beds before 9am. That means that ma Molls will probably use oor En Suite, which is right next tae the kitchen. Az finks fur a laff that ma Molls should move the en Suite tae oor prison cell door, so that oor Mum & Dad will step in it when theys walk intae oor cell. Az wid right laff at that.
Noo az hopes ewes all huv a right pure dead brilliant night and az will speak tae awe ewes next year and tell ewes ma pre-dick-shons fur 2080. Az iz never wrang way ma pre-dick-shons.

Big Presley haz left the study for the last time this year, az iz takin care of ma business. xx May yur god go wae ewes. xx

Kiss.ma.ass Day

Merry Kissmass everywan, az hopes ewes hud a right nice time tooday. Me and ma Mollees have hud the best Kissmass ever, well that iz, since the wan wees hud last year.
Ewes will no believe wit happen tae mee. When az gets up thiz mornin az wiz speakin tae the Queen, noo az swears tae masell that is right true. Shee wiz wantin tae ken wit it wiz az wiz going tae write in ma Kissmass Day blog. Noo az diznae likes tae tell anybuddy wit it iz az iz writin tae ewes aboot, that iz jist beecoz az diznae kens until az starts tae write. Az wiz finking that az could tell ewes wit the Queen fot aboot Tony Blare becomin a Kafolic, but sees he waited til the udder Queen had writ hur speech, before he went intae the confessional thing wae the Priest. Az finks that wiz in case she said in hur speech that shees haz hud had an udder horrible anus, like the wan she hud 10 years ago.

Anyways az fot az wid jist tell ewes aboot ma ane Kiss.ma.ass Day. See az lets ma Mollee be Queen fur the day, coz shee right likes that. Noo az didnae ken wit happened here at the prison, but az finks that the udder prisoners fot theys had missed Kiss.ma.Ass Day and theys fot it wiz Boxing Day. Noo let mee tells ewes wit happened. See, Me and ma Molls were like allowed tae get wur presents fae Santa Coz first and az wiz prayin tae masell that hee hudnae got me an udder joby green coat. Well, az gets a right cool diamond tae wears aroond ma neck, so noo az looks like ma hero the medallion man Ali Gee. Az also gets some right nice toys tae play wiff. Az gets wan that looks like a bugger, jist like the wans az sees in Mcdonalds. Az also gets a jar fingy fur keepin ma pocket money in, and it says on the front of it 'Big Boy's Toy Money', that iz so that naebuddy will pinch ma pocket money. The only wan problem way it is that its joby green. Az swears tae masell, but thats Santa Coz fur ewes, he canny get nofin right.

Anyways, az wiz going tae tell ewes wit ma Mollees got, but az canny be bovered, coz wees kept fightin over wur new toys and az got pure dead hurted when ma leg got right trapped on the sofa. So it wiznae So.Fa so good fur me! Then ma Mum & Dad lets the lifers oot fur their Kiss.ma.ass presents and all hell broke loose! This wiz pure dead funny. Coz big Ivy didnae want his medallion, he fought it looked right stoopid, so when ma Dad wents tae pit it on him, he right went fur him. Ma Dad wiznae hurted, coz Ivy wiz wearin his Hannibal Lectar mask. Ivy went in a pure dead huff fur the rest of the day, all coz he didnae want tae be a medillion man. Then Bizzy Wizzy jumped back and stood right on tap of Bazil the Brush, and Bazil fot hee wiz gettin pure dead attacked, so he went fur Bizzy Wizzy. Noo by this point it wiznae only Mollee that wiz wettin hersell laffin, but ah wiz tae. Me and Molls right laffed. So the lifers were right marched back tae the cooler, but coz it wiz Kiss.ma.ass Day, mee and Molls got tae watch the movie Findin Nemo. Noo az wiznae bovered where Nemo wiz, so az jist fell asleep.

Wees are all waitin fur wur Turnkey noo. Ha ha ewes fought az says Turkey, but wees haz Turnkeys coz wees are in prison. Az fot az should explain that tae awe the fick wans oot there, that a Turnkey and a Turkee are no the same fing.
Ma Dad haz taken sum picktoors of me and ma Molls, so when hees gets his Kiss.ma.ass dinner, hee will gee them tae mee and az will let ewes sees them. Az hope ewes awe hud a better Kiss.ma.ass Day than mee.
Big Presley haz left the study, take check on the Turkee. xx

Dear Santa

Dear Santa Coz

Az iz told az hud tae rite tae ewe coz az haz been a right good boy and az wants ewe to kens what az wid like fur ma kissmass.

Az wid like awe the fings on this list, but if ewes canny manage awe of them, jist the first 19 will do.

Number Wan. Az wid like tae be able tae go oot fur a pee (that is a number wan), any times az wants, wiffoot havin tae wait fur ma Mum tae open the prison cell door.
Number Too. Az wid like Wizzy tae stop dane hiz number two's on the patio, coz az chooed frew the patio hoze cleaner and it diznae look good if az iz playin leap frog way a number two stuck tae ma shoo.
Free. Az wid like tae keep awe ma pocket money tae ma sell, but az canny, coz fings in the Anne Summers shop is right deer, can ewe fix it fur me tae get ma fings free in there?
Fore. Az huznae got a fore, so az will move ontae number five.
Five. Az iz alive. (see that rimes), Az wants tae ban Greyhound Racing and breedin, coz then there wid be mare beetches living in homes and az could play leap frog wae them.
Six. Az iz wunderin if ewe could gee Six a personality. She is wan of oor cats and she is right miserable. She wiz ma Dads cat fur 250yrs, so thats is why shees is miserable.
Seeven. Can ewes please arrange fur me tae get ma Crown Jewells return tae mee. Thats a big order az kens, but theys wur big Crown Jewells. Theys will end up in a mooseeum like the Elgin marballs.
Ate. Can wees pleese no have yon food that tastes like deed fish. its called Salmon and rice.
Nine. Az huznae got a nine, so can ewe move on tae number 10
Ten. Talkin of Number 10, wit haz Tony frigin Blare done noo? Az haz read hee haz become a Roamin Kaflic. Next fing ewes will see, iz that he is a Jeehovahs Witness, thats jist no right.
Eleven. Az wiz wantin tae gee awe ma beetches a kissmass present, straight fae God. They will kens it is fae God, coz theys will cry oot.. "Oh God, Oh god..." az heard that wance in a movie az wiz watchin.
12. Az canny spell, so can ewe gee me a dicktionary fur ma kissmass tae.
Ferteen. Can ewe pit Derek Acorah ma pal back on Maste Haunted, coz hees haz the kissmass spirit, and ma Molls wets hersell.
14. Can ewe arrange fur awe the dugs in the world tae be saved and sent tae Port Ugal, coz az disnae need any competishon.
15. Can ewe arrange fur ma pal Basil the Brush tae have singing lessons.
16. Can ewe arrange fur ma Mum tae get a face lift.
17. Can ewe arrange fur ma Dad tae wash his socks.
18. Can ewe arrange fur a spook tae come frew on ma Weegi board
19. Can ewe arrange fur me have a few mare brains. BRAINS az said no BAIRNS.
20. Can ewe arrange tae sent ma love tae awe ma beetches fur kissmass.

Love fae Big Presley the Maste handsome Pedigree Lurcher in the Hole World xxx
PS If ewe didnae dae everyfin on ma list, az iz no bothered coz az diznae believe in ewe anyways.

Az haz a Date wae a beetch

Ewes will no believe wits happened tae me! Az haz got masell a date wae a right cool beetch. Noo az will refer to her as 'Mollee', that is because that iz hur name, but ewes iz no tae confuse hur way ma Mollee, coz she iz no ma Mollee yet. Az hopes awe ewes uneducated people can follow that. See az haz been contacted frew ma website askin fur mee tae go on a date wae hur. Then she tells me hur name is Mollee. Maybee she finks az only loves beetches called Mollee, but az iz no bothered wit theys are called, but az finks that is hur real name. Noo she did send me a picktoor and she is like, a right cool beetch. Az iz no sure if az can pit her picktoor on here, coz she is like married tae an udder dug, but she loves tae play games, and az iz happy tae teech hur how tae play Leap Frog. Az iz going tae keep ewes posted az tae how az gets on way ma blind date. Well az didnae ken if shes iz blind, but shes iz a bit older than me, maybees shes iz az old az ma cell mate Wizzy and he iz nearly blind tae. Noo before ewes awe laff that az haz got masell an older beetch, jist ewes remember, that there wiz many a good toon played on an old fiddle. Do ewe kens wit az iz meanin?

Noo az haz hud a argooment wae ma ane Mollee. No because az haz found masell an udder beetch, but coz ma Mollee jist wanted tae arrgoo wiff me. Anyways, az says to hur that wees maybee had wur chance tae eescape this prizon, coz our Mum and Dad were going tae the Panto. Noo az kens fine well that az heard right. But ma Molly says Oh no there no!! Az says tae hur, Oh yes they ur. And ewes will no believe it but she said again that they wurnae. Az says tae hur dont bee stoopid Mollee theys ur going tae the Panto, coz az heard them sayin that. Next fing iz Mollee wiz cryin, coz az like got right mad wae her coz shees kept sayin they wurnae going tae the Panto. Next fing ma Mum came intae wur prizon cell and says tae me that az wiz a bad boy coz az made Mollee cry. Az couldnae tell ma Mum wit wees hud been arrgooing aboot, coz shees wid ken that wees were going tae try and eescape. So, like a right plonker, az gets intae trouble fur noffin. And dae ewes ken wit Mollee dane then? She has got that PMS thing. Which fur awe ewes uneducated people iz Peein Ma Sell. Molllee peed hersell laffin coz az had got intae trouble. That wiznae fare, noo az says tae Mollee that she wiz a beetch fur dane that tae me, coz ah wiz put in the cooler and az didnae ken if Santa will bring mees a present noo fur ma xmas.
If anywan oot there wants tae gee me wan fur ma xmas, let mees ken. Hey, jist wait a minute, when az says gee me wan fur xmas, az wiz no talkin aboot ewe kens wit, az wiz talkin aboot somfin right nice, like a choo or somfin.
Right az iz going away noo, coz az iz going tae see if az can make up wae ma Mollee, coz if az dont, az will ruin ma chances of playin leap frog wae hur later.
Big Presley the Lurcher haz left the study, takin care of business wae ma Mollee. xx

Page Free!!

Az haz 2 fings az iz wantin tae tell ewes aboot tooday. Wan iz pure dead exciting, az haz becomes so famous noo, frew ma blog, that haz ma ane Website. Sure that is pure dead cool? Ma Molls haz been laffin so much since ma website was launched in cyber space, but she wiznae laffin when she hears that az haz millions of hits on it already. She is jealous coz she disnae want any beetches movin in on mee, or better still movin in WAE mee!
Az haznae had any offers fae bootifool beetches yet, but az did have wan weerdo pal, wantin tae get in touch. Its a male dug and thats no right.
Noo the 2nd fing az wiz wantin tae tells ewes aboot is a bit of a problem. Sees az haz ended up on Page Free. Noo what is that awe aboot. Az iz no page 3 material. Wit happened wiz thiz. The prison guard of ma good pal Toby McKay, telt ma Mum & Dad that there wiz a competition on an udder website and she wiz going tae enter ma pal Toby McKay in it. Az didnae ken there wiz dug competitions fur the maste miserable looking dug ever tae walk the face of the earth. But if there wiz, ma best pal Toby McKay wood win it. Anyways, ma Mum fot it wood be a right good ideer tae pit mine and Mollees picture on this website, and az discovered that az wiz picked fur Page 3!! Az hopes theys dont finks az looks like a beetch, coz if theys do, az will have tae send ma Minder Big Black Mac, tae sort thems oot.

Ma Mum telt me that it wiz jist because there wiz so many dugs that had their pictures on it, that theys needed tae spread them over freee pages. Aye oh right az says tae masell, but az swear tae masell that az will bite hur right hard if az finds oot that ma picture is bang slap in the middle of a page fooey awe naked beetches on page 3, coz that wid ruin ma reputashon.
Az fots ewes wid like tae vote fur me. Az dont ken how much pocket money az will gets fur winning this competition, but az finks it could be like £1.00 or sumfin. Az it iz nearly xmas az wiz going tae donate some of ma winnins tae charity, maybees about 1p or somfin, coz az has the rest of the money already spent on buyin choo's, so that ma Molls will get a xmas present. Aye awe right, so az wiz only going tae gee hur the wrappers, but thats so that she can make her ane see frew night gown fur xmas, tae go way her new pawcuffs.

http://www.freewebs.com/jerseygreyhounds/
Tae see ma pictures ewes have tae click on the link at the bottom of the collum on the left hand side, right down at the bottom. Its says Greyhound page 3
Az iz Number 205 and 215. Ma Molls is the wee beauty number 202.
But ewes can only pick a first and 2nd choice. So as finks 205 should bee ewer first choice and 215 should be ewer second choice. Az will let ewes ken if az wins.

Dead Hot!

Az wiz lookin at the compootar to see's if az could find anyfin fur ma Mollee fur her xmas, with the extra pocket money az wiz going tae send tae ma babe Lisa Maree, that turns oot isnae ma babe at all. Noo az ewes ken, az haz already bought her a pair of pawcuffs from ma pal Anne Summers shop, theys are dead cool, so az fot that az could buy her sumfin dead hot. Ewes will no believe wit az found. Noo, az iz no wan tae laff at right bad fings that happens tae people, but az couldnae believe wit az wiz reading and az wiz pure dead laffin.

See az does that goooooling thing tae find Mollee a present and az pits in 'Dead Hot', next fing iz, up came this webshite aboot SHC, noo fur aw ewes that are no educated like mees, that stands fur Spontaneous Human Combustion. They calls it that coz people just cremate themselves. Theys say that SHC is an unexplained mystery. Noo az far az am is concerned that is no rite, coz there must be a reason why ewes humans want dae that self cremation fing, probably tae save money and no tae pay fur a hooman undertaker.
Noo az ken that SHC is right popular in yon far East place, like Pakistan and the udder place that is named efter a dug, Afghan-a-Stan. Coz az wiz right laffin when az read that some man oot there wiz riding his bike way a bomb attached tae himsell and he blew himsell up. Az finks his name wiz John. Ewes are all wonderin how az kens that. Well az kens that coz az kens the story, coz theys pit it on his heedstone.

Here lies the body of bicycle John,
His bicycle stopped, but he went on!!

Ma Mollee loves that story and she wets hersell when az tells her that story.
Noo az wiznae finking along the lines of gettin ma Molls a bomb just coz az is lookin for a dead hot present. Az wiz finkin of getting her wan of they seefrew night gowns fings, coz az finks she wid look dead hot in wan of them. But see, az haz a problem, az only haz 23 and a half pence tae spend and theys seefrew night gowns are right expensive. But az finks az haz found the answer tae ma problem. See ma dog choo's come in a clear bag, so az finks az should spend ma money on a choo, and gee Mollee the wrapper. Az will tell her that it iz the latest fashion in seefrew night gowns. Noo az wid be interested tae hear wit ewes finks aboot that?
Az canny wait fur xmas, coz az dont finks ma Molly haz remember tae get me a present, but az iz no bovered aboot that, coz az will look dead sad, and she will say tae me, come on big Presley az will let ewe play leap frog way me. See az iz no az daft az ewes finks.
Big Presley haz left the study, az iz takin care of ma ane business in the gerden. xx

Tear tae a glass eye!!

OMG....az am right down tonight az canny believe wit haz happened. Noo az am no wantin ewes tae feel right sorry fur me or nofin, but az will tells ewes a story that wid bring tears tae a glass eye.
Ewes will no believe wits happened. Noo wit happened wiz thiz. Az wiz checking ma pocket money and az finks az could send aboot 23 and a half pence tae ma babe Lisa Marie, ma puppee and az wiz gettin a right nice wee xmas card fur her. Az iz no very good at writing so az asked ma Mum if she could write Lisa Marees address fur me. But then, az wiz taken aside by ma Mum and she says tae me that az wiznae Lisa Marees dad. Well, az swears tae masell that is just no right, coz az haz been checkin the internet tae find a right good school and everyfin fur her. Then ma Mum tells me, that az couldnae possibly bee her dad coz az hudnae played leap frog way her mum Carra. Az wiz even plannin a party so that me and ma cells mates could wet on the puppees head. But its no tae bee. Az dont ken wit az should dae noo, coz az wiz right lookin forward tae teachin ma babe how tae be a reel Pedigree Princess Lurcher. Well ewe kens wit they says, these fings happens, so az decided just tae play leap frog way may Mollee instead.
Tae get back tae ma story aboot bringing a tear tae a glass eye. Me and Molls were runnin aboot ootside. Molly was yelling catch me if ewe can Presley, so az wiz runnin real fast and az slipped on the ice. Noo az landed so hard on ma crown jewells and that right brought a tear tae my eye!! Noo before ewes all feel right sorry fur me, az jist want tae say, az haznae got a glass eye, and az jist want tae say, after fallin on the crown jewells az iz right glad az didnae have glass bits either, coz theys would have right smashed.
Well az must go and check on ma Molls, she will be right pleased az iz no a dad, coz she wants me awe tae hersell. Maybe az could just make her a wee bit jealous though, and tell her that az wiz in way a chance way Carra. Az finks ma Molls will be more than accommodating tonight. Right..big Presley haz left the study tae play leap frog...Mollee, oh Mollee where are ewe hiding??