Captin iz noo at Rainbow Bridge

Hullo all ewes oot there.
Ma Mum iz pure away on holleedaes, so ah have hud tae sneek on hear tae post.
Fing iz, ah kens ewes fink az am the proffitt of doom and gloom, wiff all ma bad noos, but ah fot az wid let ewe kens that wee Captin wur burdee pure died this mornins. Ma Mum will bee pure devasstated when shee comes home and finds that oot. Hee pure like jizt died. Ma Mum got him fae the pet sopp, coz hee wiz baldee and hee loved livin hear wiff uz and hiz noo burd Tineel.
Wee´s do not ken wits happined, but its pure sad that hee died on ma Mums birffday.
Ah hopes ma Mum iz havin a pured dead brillent times, coz mee and Mollee iz.
Ah better go, coz am havin such a grate times, and ah diznae want tae bee poot in the cooler fur bean on the compootar.
Ah will speek soon, when am no havin so mutch fun. But ah am bean sad aboot Captin too.
Love fae big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxxx

Wee Zorro ah loved ewe.

Deer everyboddees,

Ah promissed that ah wid let ewes ken how Zorro got on at the Vet Docktur, an am reelee sorree tae say that ma bruver Zorro haz noo gone tae Rainbow Bridge.

Wee Zorro, came tae live wiff uz on 3rd Novembur 2007 - only 16 monffs ago. Ma Mum seen an advert in the paper, asking for someone tae take on a 'sprightly 20yr old cat, who needed a quiet indoor home. Hee wiz on medikatshon fur life, efter the owner took ill and couldnae look efter him and hiz companion Charlee, who wiz only 11yrs old'. The Cats Proteckshon peepells said they wid pay fur hiz Vet treetment fur the rest of hiz life, but ma Mum pure hates peepells who takes advantage of that tipes of situation coz ma Mum kens sum peepells who get pets and lets charitees pay fur vet fees, when theys can afford tae pay fur their ane pets medikashon. So ma Mum says, if ah am tae bee Zorro's mummy, ah will pay fur hiz medikashon and ewes can use the monee tae help pay for udder cats.

They pure introdooced ma Mum tae Zorro, who wiz called Zara at the time - eye ah swears tae masell that iz the troof - a boy cat wiff a wumins name! But hee wiznae a transeggshall cat, so ma Mum says, ah fink wee will call ewe a reel mans name and call ewe ZORRO!

Ma Mum fell in love wiff wee Zorro and said shee wid love him forever, then the they let ma Mum see hiz companion Charlee. Charlee wiz a girl (wiff a boys name), but shee wiz like a pure modell babe. The cats proteckshon peepells widnae let anybuddees see Charlee first, coz everybuddee pure fanceed hur and Zorro wiz just plane Zorro, but they kent ma Mum and Dad wid love Zorro forever, even if hee wiznae handsum.

When Zorro came tae live wiff uz, hee couldnae even get up on the bed, and hee wiz affeckshonatelee kent az the 'Weekest Link', so ma Mum went an got him a set of stairs tae clime on the bed. Honest, that iz the troof. Wee had a birffdae partee fur Zorro last August when hee wiz 21 yeers old. Ma Mum telt the cat proteckshon peepells, who couldnae beeleeve hee wiz still rite enjoying life. Wee Zorro haz got wursur healff wize over the past foo daes and sadlee Zorro, wiznae ever goin tae get betturs, and hee wiz rite ill over the past 12 hours. Ma Mum fot hee wid jist get more medikashon frum the Vet Docktur, but the Vet pure eggasmined him and went an preepared the stuff fur tae let Zorro leeve the mateereal world wiff dignitee.

Ma Mum and Dad are rite upsets, so ah will have tae go and gee them a cuddell. I kens that Zorro will bee happee at Rainbow Bridge, coz sum of hiz pals are alreddys there and big Ivor will pure look efter him, till ma Mum goes wan dae tae join them.

Ah loved ewe wee Zorro, love fae Big Presley. xxxxxx

Thiz iz mee at Zorros 21st birffdae partee, lazt August, ah said tae him.... 'happee birffdae, 'Weekest Link', an hee pure geed mee a tankin. But ah loved him so mutch. xxxx

008 iz workin neer Lan Ark

Hullo all ewes oot there. Ah have bin pracktissin ma Spaneesh fur tae help ma Mum and ah fink ah kens mare Spaneesh wurds than hur noo.
Noo, first fings first, wee Zorro wur auld cat isnae well and hee's haz tae go tae the Vet docktur this afternoons. Ma Mum finks wee Zorro iz rite seereeouslee ill thiz times and shee iz rite sad todaes. Wee Zorro iz 21.5 yeers old in hooman yeers, so that makes him aboot 240 in cat yeers.
Ah will let ewe kens wits will happin tae him, but its no lookin very good, so cood ewes pleese have a wurd wiff ewer angels and ask thems tae look efter him. Fanks.
Noo, the udder fing ah wiz goin tae tell ewes aboot iz ma walk tae the park. Noo, see sumtimes, wees go fur a walk round the Lock. No a lock ewe pit ewer key in, but a lock wiff watur in it and fiss. Well ah want tae tell ewes a troo storee, coz ah kens there is sumfin reel fisshee goin on at the Lock an ah will tell ewes why ah finks thiz. See when az wiz walkin roond the lock wiff mollee the udder dae, wee seen mens wiff tents. Okay so there is nuffin rang wiff that, rite, but wate wan minit, the mens wiff the tents wur preetendin tae bee fissin. They pure had there rod fings danglin in the watur. Fissin must bee rite tyrin, and thats why they had tents wiff beds in it.
But the reel scaree fing iz, that these mens wur wearin camoflage geer. Eye, ah swears tae masell they wur. Noo, ma questions is thiz, why wid they wear camoflage geer if they wur jist fissin? Ah have a feeree. Ah fink they wur up tae no good. Coz the fiss cannee see wit they are wearin, and ah fink the fiss have more tae worree aboot than wit somewun iz wearin. Ah fink the mens wur probablee spies or sumfin, like 008 Mr Basildon Bond. Ah fink they wur on the look oot fur Oh Salmon bin Laid. Noo dont tell anyones that ah have worked thiz oot, but if ewes dont beeleeve mee, ewes can go and look at the mens at the lock in the camoflage geer, well that is if ewe can see them, coz its reel difficult to see them if theys are standing neer trees and fings coz of the clothes they wears.
Love big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxx

Spaneesh Lessuns

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee again, big Presley.
Ah have bin reelee bizzee fur the past foo daes. Ah fot ah shood lern sum Spaneesh tae help ma Mum fur when shee goes tae Spane on Fridaes. Noo am no going wiff hur, but ah fot ah cood help wiff hur purrnouseeashon wiff Spaneesh wurds.
Fanks is Grass Sea R's
Yess is Sea
Skoose Mee? is Perrdun?
Toylet is Banjo
Pleese is Porr Fah Vorr
Noo these are rite important wurds, coz noo ma if ma Mum needs the loo, witch iz very importants. Shee haz tae sae iz thiz: Perrdun, Porr Fah Vorr, Can ah huv a shot of ewer Banjo! The Spaneesh wull replies: Sea
Then ma Mum will sae: Grass Sea R's.
How cool iz that, see, ah fink of everyfin, in fact az am goin tae rite sum noo books an they will bee called 'King Presleys Ruff Guide Goin On Holeedaes'. Noo, ah could have a hole seerees of theese 'Ruff Guides'. Ah normallee rites all ma ane books, but ma Mum wiz a Guide aboot 80 yeers ago, so shee haz sum eggspeereeance of them, and lets face it, they diz not come mutch ruffer than hur, so ah may ask hur fur sum help wiff ma noo seerees of books.
Shee haz bin pure bizzee at work, so it mae take mee a while tae rite them. Only last nite shee wiz in Dunndee and shee iz goin back there tonites again. Thats a rite far place, thats where the Krokodiles and Bannanas comes from. Krokodile Dunndee iz ma heerow, and everytimes ah sees a Bannanas it haz Fyfe on it and Dunndee iz neer Fyfe. The udder fing that comes frum up there is seep sh....ers. Diz ewe ken wit ah meens!! All the men up there sheers the seeps.
Take care, love fae big Presley the Spaneesh Speekur. xxxxxxxx

Gettin two ken mee.

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah wiz sent wan of they eemales frum a nosey parkur, wantin tae ken all aboot mee, so ah fot it wid bee a good idear if ah telt ewes wit a likes.
1. Wit time did ah get up this mornin?. First time wiz at 1am, and secund time wiz at 5am.
2.Wit wiz the last film ah seen? Ah seen Beethoven Free
3.Wit iz ma favorite TV programme? The Dog Wissperur
4.Wit diz ah usuallee have fur breakfast? Half a wizzee poo.
5. Wit iz ma middull name? 'the' frum Presley the King
6. Wit food do ah dislike? Anyfin made fae deed fiss.
7.Wit car diz a drive? What kind of stoopid question is that.... ah cannee drive - yet.
8. What characteristics diz ah despise? Wit diz despise meen?
9. If ah could go on holeedae where wid it bee? Norff Berick tae see ma babe Rag
10. Wot did ah want tae bee when ah wiz little? A Greyhound
11.Wot iz ewer fav biscut? Ah pure loves Gingur Snapps.
12. Wot iz ma hare collur? Az iz pure black, wiff wite paws. PAWS ah said!!!
13. Wot iz ma fav game? Leep Frog wiff ma beetches
14. When wiz the last time ah cried? Aboot 10 mins ago tae go oot fur a pee pee.
15. Who iz ma fav cheff? Gordun Ramsee
16. Who iz ewer best pal? Mollee Wallee
17. How many peepells will respond tae this? Nun, coz am no askin them two.
Noo ewes kens all aboot mee and wot ah reelee likes.
Love fae big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Eggsitetin suff

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah have bin pure misserabell since ah seen ma Feeonsee Rag an shee went hame efter visitin hoor wiz up. So ah says tae ma Mum and Dad that ah wood stay misserabell furever if ah didnae have anyfin tae look forwards two. They says they wood have a fink aboot ways tae cheer mee up. Ah herd them talkin aboot mee in the nexx room, so ah pit a glass against the wall tae hear better. Ah have seen that dun in the moovees and ah fink it works, but ah dropped the glass and it pure smashed all over the floor, but ah herds thems reel good. Ewes will no beeleeve what theys have got mee. Noo sum of ewes ken ah am pal of Sir Les Patterson. Hee is the only Les that hasnae bean on channel 4. Well ah herd ma Mum sayin that ma pal Les iz coming all the wae frum Oztraylia tae Glesga in Septemburs and theys are goin tae see him. So ah fink theys will definatelee bee takin mee along tae cheer mees up. Unfortoonatelee, ah will have tae go and see that wumin Dame Eddna, coz she kens ma pal Les and iz aye hangin aroond. Shee geed ma Mum Gladeeohlies last time shee met ma Mum, an ma Mum says oh Eddna theys are bootifool, so ah finks Dame Eddna will bring sum fur mee if shee kens ah will be there. Ah cannee wate tae see ma old pal Sir Les and ah will need tae tell him a foo of ma jokes. He sumtimes tells peepells ma jokes, but ah telt him no tae say that ah geed him ma jokes, coz sumtimes theys are very nottee. See, fing iz ah dont want ma Mollee tae ken ah kens nottee jokes or shee will bee pure angree.
So am away tae rite doon sum of ma jokes fur ma pal Sir Les. Maybees ah could tell him the wan aboot the Ramm wearin the bandage geer in the feeld. That wiz a rite good wan.
Oh bye the ways, the udder noos iz that ma Mum telt mee shee seen reel Lamms todaes, in a feeld in Engerland. How cool is that?
Rite am away, see ewes later, love fae big Presley the Happee King xxxxxxxx

Introdoocin Kone Heed!

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee hear big Presley.

Fank ewe all fur sendin Wizzee Wonga good wisses, but hee iz noo called Kone Heed. Noo ewes is wunderin why az haz reenamed him Kone Heed. Well see fing iz, ewe ken hee haz hunners of stitches on his nose, but theys must bee boverin him, coz hee is pure tryin tae take them oot himsell. Hee iz no aloud tae dae that, coz udderwise ma Mum and Dad widnae get there Nextur points fur takin him back tae the Vet.

Ma Mum and Dad haz bin rite bizzee wiff work, so mee and Mollee have bin good doggees and bean well behaved, so theys diznae need to worree aboot uz and wees haz bin lookin efter Kone Heed fur them. Anyways, ah fot Wizzee Wonga needin cheerin up coz hee hates wearin a Kone on his Heed. So ah fot if ah called him Kone Heed hee wid like that. Noo auld Kone Heed batters aboot the place and pure knocks everyfin doon in hiz paff, including the udder dogs.

Anyways hear iz a picktoor of auld Kone Heed fur ewes tae see how sore hiz nose looks.

KONE HEED - SIDE VOO

KONE HEED - FRONT VOO

Noo ah should pointe oot that, it wiz the Vet Docktur who pure cut so far doon Kone Heeds Nose fur tae stitch his Vane.

Am away noo tae help Kone Heed, coz am hiz guide dog. Love fae big Presley xxxx