FREEDOM

How ewes all doin the day? I wiz keepin this next story for an udder time, but a fot ewes would like to know wit happened to me a couple of weeks ago, when Mum & Dad took me, Molls and Big Black Mac tae the beach. They didnae tell us wee's were goin to the beach, so I didnae pack ma Speedos, and Molls and Mac didnae have theirs either! You cannee go tae the beach wiffout ewer Speedos, unless its wan of they weerdo noodist beaches, where naebuddy ever looks you in the eye, cos theys is too busy checkin oot your crown jewells!


Anyways, when wee's got there I seen ma old pal Toby McKay, and wee's had a chin wag. I only does chin wags, cos I dont like any dug sticking their nose up ma back bottom. Then I saw her.....ma future beetch, cor she is frigin beautiful. Dont be put off with her name, its Rag, cos she anit no Rag! Mee's thinks that could be short for Rag-a-muffin, or somfin, but I didnae want to be disrespectful and shout "hey as fancies Rag-a-muffin", just in case she missed me sayins the word Rag!! As thinks her Sunday name is probably Regina, cos that name means Queen and me, the King is always on the look out for ma Queen. 2nd thoughts....I knows wit rhymes wi Regina, so as just gona stick to callin her Rag, before as gets a slap!


Wee's all walked to the beach, no tae be confused with ma beetches! Next thing ma Mum freed me from ma chastity belt and I was FREE at last!! Wey to go big man!! As is OFF!! Nothin is gona stop me now...bye, cheerio, see you around, adios, au revoir, trok lom, hyarcha, ciao, adios....and get yersels tae........!! I'm off like a Greyhound out of trap No.3...as goin for it!! This is brill. Oh eh...hang on, wait just wan minute....what the ...... is goin on here! Mum & Dad are tryin to get rid of Me. What the ...... have a done wrang noo!! Aye, so they thinks theys are dead smart, let me go so's that I will eescape and no be able tae dae anymare damage at the open prizon!! Thats why they didnae bring ma Speedos, cos I wiz meant to run away!! Right, well their no that smart, cos as have decided that as gona ruin their day oot and am goin back!!!


Ma Molls was right pleased to see me go back, cos she didnae want to live in the prizon on her ain. The Big Black Man Mac, wiznae so happy, he was ragin that as ran off, but wit he didnae understand is that Mum & Dad were tryin to dump me and I'm no fur being dumped by nae one!! Mum & Dad are laffin at me, well as gona wipe the smile off their mugs and stay with them,...lets see how funnee they find that!!


Me and the Molls still laff aboot me comin back, cos I knows that right upset Mum & Dad, but that will teach them no tae be so smart next time. Me big Presley the King has loads mare damage tae do at the prizon, so as no goin anywhere until I decide!! This is a picktoor of Me and Molls laughin at the beach! Am the pawsome wan on the rite of the picktoor.

An Udder Story!

How ewes doin today...? I wiz gona tell ewes about all the udder anemals that live near oor excercise yard, here at the open prison in Lan Ark. Lots of dugs ask me wit its like living in an open prizon, like ma mate Toby McKay, he is not only kept as a prizoner in Edinburger, but he's treated like a slave too. A knows this cos his Mum (his prizon guard) willnae buy him a new collar for his chain to be attached to......and she makes him wear one of they Hannibal Lecter mask things. Tobs never telt me wit he's did to get a life sentence, but I guess it must have bin right serious like murrrder or summit, cos he's been in prizon for years. A keeps tellin ma mate Tobs to escape, and come to live in the open prizon, but he's like a right old guy and he says its too far to walk. I telt him he wiz a nut job, he should just take the bus!!

Here's ma pal Toby who wont take the bus! As gona send him 20p towards his bus fare oot ma pocket money. Hey man Tobs, ewe is lookin right scary in that picture...you look so funnee!



Any hows, I wiz wondering around the excercise yard one day, thinking aboot ways to eescape, and the next fing as looks through the fence and couldnt believe ma eyes!! I seen the biggest dugs in the world. Theys were big fat black and white dugs,...and you know what, theys had 4 sets of Crown Jewells hanging doon!! Freaks!!! Inter-breedin that causes that. Thats just too much...cos as want to know how they can play leap frog with four udder beetches at the same time!! I canna tell you wit happened next, but .......a little tiny fat one went up to wan of these massive dugs with the four crown jewells and started to ...........OMG......!! This is a family blog, and as canny tell you what happened, ewes will just need to imagine...but as didnae eat ma dinner that night. That wiz disgusting...YUCK!! I shouted at the wee fat wan to leave the crown jewells alone, but he just ignored me...must have a problem with his hearing or summit.

Every time as see's them now, I shout at them to get themselves to ...... !! They get right mad wae me. They must be locals doon here, cos all they do all day is eat the grass.....or maybee's they's is tryin to dig an eescape tunnel, but a knows they are way to fat to tunnel oot.

Me and the Molls was wanderin around mindin wur ane business, and they wee's spots it....!! A big fitba covered in feathers, so I tried rollin it along the ground and ma Molls rolled it back to me.....this was brill. Every so often wee's would header it and the feathers would go everywhere. I could hear Mum screemin at us.....! Wee's wur only playin. But Mum was greetin. Me and the Molls got marched into solitary and thats when Mum telt us we'd kilt oor nayburs chicken! Oh no.., take cover Mum is mad, as seen that look in eyes before, the time a chooed her noo double oven!! She canny cook, so a didnae know wit all the fuss wiz aboot. A chicken....no a fitba, oh well, shows you how ungrateful oor Mum is, cos we could have save her £2.98 buying wan oot the sopps.

Me and Molls are in solitary for the next 2 hours, but thats ok, cos wee's is sleepy after oor game of fitba. Tomorrow as gona tell you another story....but a dont know wit wan yet. Big Presley has left the building (well the study!), and as is Taking Care of Business. x

I'm No a MONGREL!!

Me and the Molls had been really good for a couple of hours, probably cos wee's wur sleepin, but Mum & Dad said that they wiz gona take us oot for the day! Oot came the chastity belts and me and the Molls got taken ootside the front of the prison, that was real cool. What the ...... is that...... only a pet hearse!!! Oh No.....Molls, wee's wiznae sleepin, wee's were deed!! That got mee's thinkin, maybe I wisnae a prizoner, maybe wee's wiz deed and wee's woz like ghosts or somefin! Ma Molls looked like she'd seen a ghost when wee's were bundled into the pet hearse!! Then as says to Molls, listen Molls, wee's canny be deed otherwise wee's would be white or seefrew! And as a am black, and ewe is brown wee's canny be ghosts, so wee's must still be alive......it didnae matter, this was hell wearing this chastity belt!

I couldnae see very well out the windays and Mum said it was coz theys were blackened out, so that no one could see in. How cool is that....just like ma pal Ali G had in his car! Mum then opened the winday a bit soz me and the Molls could get some fresh air! I guess Dad must have been pumpin again! Anyways, ah stuck ma heed oot the winday, and shouted abuse at all the dugs as seen walkin up the road. The look on their faces when theys seen I woz in a Pet Hearse, but wiznae deed, was sooooooooo funnee!! I hudnae laughed this much since Mollee came off the LSD!! Large Swinging Dryer.

Wee's finally arrived at a big park place, as hoped wee's wiznae in a cemetery, but no it wiznae, and there was millions of beetches here.....hey man, as have arrived...me Big Presley...no dont all crowd round at the wan time, cos as no brought ma security. All the beetches wiz wantin ma pawtograph!! What the ......., the dugs are sticking their heeds up ma back bottom, looking for ma crown jewells!! Get yersells to ........, as no into dugs, as only into ma beetches. Ma Molls wiznae happee wiff all the beetches comin up to me, as thinks she is jealous.....good...cos that way, she will let me play leep frog wit her when wee's go back to prizon.

Next thing as knows is ma Mum is leeding me into a ring....a show ring....yeah man whey to go......Big Presley has arrived!! No...hud on wait a minute.....its a MONGREL show....as no MONGREL!! As is Presley the King of Pedigree Lurchers. Nae wonder Molls isnae allowed in, coz she is so far up her ain back bottom, cos she is a PEDIGREE BEETCH. Some bampot who calls hersel a judge is feelin me all over.....ger yersel to .........! I didnae need a two legged beetch, when as got the Molls. What the ...... ma Mum, is takin me back oot the ring, sayin "it doesnt matter Presley, its the taking part that counts". What the ......, does she mean.....have a no WON!! They didnae ken wit they wur doin the whole lot of them, cos as is the best looking Pedigree Mongrel at the show.

Some young pup, that looks like a wolf, jumped up on me and wiz trying to kiss me.......YUCK..... ....., az iz wiff ma beetch the Molls. Me and the Molls right enjoyed oor day oot in the Pet Hearse, wee's were laffin all the way home. I then realised that a hudnae tried to escape....., az just missed a right good chance. Never mind, as lookin forward to ma game of leep frog with ma beetch Molls.

Tomorrow as gona tell you about me finding a dug in ooor gerden!

The Cooler King!!

Me and the Molls have been in and out of the 'cooler', thats solitary confindment to those who dont know, 643 times since we got here. Wee's think that is a better record than Steve McQueen had in the frigin Great Eescape, and they had the cheek to call him the Cooler King!! There aint no King, Cooler than me!! 64 of those times wiz cos Molls killed oor very ain Mr Jingles, and 3 times coz ma Molls killed burds. So, 64 + 3 = 643 for all those of ewes out there that cannee count. As dont know why as always got to go into the cooler with ma Molls, cos as never does anythin, so as always tells Mum tae get lost! Then ma Mum, keeps tellin me to talk properly cos wee's live in the country now, but am no bovered, cos I thinks as just so cool as a am and ma beetches love me.

It was real funnee when ah eescaped from ma cell...., I didnae have time to grab ma personal belongings (ma Speedos and things), and I forgot to take oor latest deed Mr Jingles, but I knew that ma Molls would look after him. I was off..oot of here....and as was runnin as fast as I could. Have you ever tried to run on Parquet flooring.....its like being on a treadmill. You run like you are Lindford Christie and yet you havnae moved an inch!! (ma beetches says am like Lindford Christie...if ewes know what a mean!! I certainly resemble him in places.......!!:) Anyways, I finally manage to get doon this right long corridor, there wiz doors everywhere, but they just went into mare cells. As wiz looking for the front door!! There wiznae a prizon guard anywhere, they must have been on their smoke break. At the bottom of the long corridor, I turned left and all I could see was mare cells, but as seen one was open a bit and in a went... I could smell Freedom....Well I thought thats what I could smell, but maybe I wiz wrong.

I could hear the sirens goin off in the main part of the prison, (siren = Mum screamin), so as knew it widnae be long before she wiz on ma trail, as long as she didnae send the dugs oot looking for me, as would be ok. When as got into this room, as seen a big window, brill, I was almost oot. What the ......., the windae is closed....aw no, and Mum is getting nearer!!! As wiz lookin everywhere for a way oot, and then I got the shock of ma life, I turned aroond and there was a big black and white CAT starin at me and lickin his lips. I just kept shouting at him, get yersel to ........, am no a moose! OMG....help....help.....Mum help meeeeeeeeee!! Mum came in and she wiz laffin at me, aye very good whats so funny, that CAT could have killed me! Mum grabbed me by the collar...and led me away, she was still laffin and so wiz the CAT. Then I realised the CAT wiz only Denzil !! I guess he really wiz a cool CAT, coz he could have killed me....but ma Mum said he wid never have hurted me....aye right, so I look a right plonker now dont ah.
Now as knows as should have been nicer to Denzil when he lived wiz us, but hey ho, I wisnae!!

As had loads to tell ma Molls when wee's were put in the Cooler for ma attempted eescape. As told her that Mum & Dad were not only DUG Dealers, but theys were CAT Dealers too! But ma Molls wiznae bothered in fact she gave me into a right load of trouble, I think ma Molls is getting too big for her ain paws! She thinks she is the Queen of Sheba, cos she lives with me Presley the King.....as gona have to sort that oot.
Tomorrow as gona tell ewes about how Mum & Dad took me and the Molls to a park foo of Dug Dealers! But for now....big Presley has left the building,...takin care of ma business! x

Mr Jingles is Deed!!

When me, Molls, Mac and Denzil all moved here to Lan Ark, wee's were all put in different prizon cells. Well, me and the Molls stayed together, but big Mac got took away and so did Denzil. Wee's wisnae bothered about Denzil being taken away, cos he iz a cat, but I wisnae happee when Mum took the big black man Mac away. I tried tappin on the pipes at nite to see if as got a response from big Mac. A had seen this done of the movies before and it worked for them, but a didnae hear Big Mac tap back.

I was here a few days when I noticed two big glass doors and when I looked inside, I got the shock of ma life........ What the ....... is goin on in this prizon? The prizon cell behind the glass doors had 3 massive dugs in it, and ma pal big Mac. See as just knew ma Mum & Dad were dug dealers!! Well for those of ewes out there who canny count that meant there wiz 6 dugs in this prizon. As wondered what they did to be kept prizoner? So as tried to talk to them when the prizon guard wisnae lookin. What the ......, nae wonder these nutjobs are in prizon, cos they wisnae friendly, so I guess they must be in for murrrder. So as decided I'll no bother masel talkin to them again and a huvnae!

I wisnae botherin with the murrrderers in the next cell, cos me and the Molls liked this open prison and wee wur in the turd cell down the hall. Wee's thought that if we are here doin life, that we should make the place look like home and get oorsells a wee pet. I remember seein a movie call the Green Mile, and the guy in that prizon had a pet mouse called Mr Jingles, so wee's decided that would be cool to have oor ane Mr Jingles. Every night ma Molls goes out in the exercise yard looking for oor ane Mr Jingles. She done real well at first, wee's had only just decided to get a Mr Jingles and Molls found one. She shouted me over, but I couldnt see him, he was right small. What the ...... ma Molls dived on oor Mr Jingles and she only went and killed him. What the .... was that all about? Oh well, nae luck, so what, we had oor first Mr Jingles... albeit he was deed, but I guess deed ones are easier to look after! So I took oor Mr Jingles into wur cell. But....., here we go again... Mum, has just seen it and she's dane that screemin fing again!!! Quick....hide for cover! Thats ma Molls now doin time in the cooler for being a murderer.

She is gona have to work on her technique for catchin oor ane Mr Jingles, so far she has caught 47 potential Mr Jingles, but she's manage to kill every one of them. Ma Molls is dead smart though, cos she said we should forget having a moose that is alive and have a burd instead. So next day she found us a bird, a big pidgeon type thing.....that was soooooo cool. I ran past the big glass doors showin the other murderers oor new pet, but they wiz dead jealous and told Mum. So, me and the Molls are in detention again!!!

Tomorrow as gona tell you what happened when I EESCAPED....problem wiz, I only escaped into the main part of the prizon....but....I found out that Mum & Dad have udder aneemals held captive here!!

Moving to the Open Prizon in Lan Ark

Ma Mum has been talking about moving hoose fur ages, but first she had some renovations to do around the hoose.... she is trying to blame me for that! She had to landscape the back garden, and replace the LSD...! To get a trip on LSD, we waited until Mum had hung oot the washin, then me and the Molls would grab the end of a towel or summit and run dead fast, then the Large Swinging Dryer went round and round so fast that me and the Molls took off up in the air.....that was so cool...!! The look on ma Molls face when she hit the ground was amazin, her eyes were crossed like Clarence the Lion! That was sooooooo funnee!

Then Mum had to replace everyfin in our playroom, including the wall, that I tried to eescape frew, the place she calls a kitchen! The guy who did the work, was real cool. His name was Davie, and he always gave me and the Molls biscuits, we liked him, we wanted to go and stay with him, but Mum told me that wee was doin a 'life sentance' with her! Whats the life sentance fur ?? Well I just said to the Molls, if as to do a life sentance, when as is innocent of all charges, as never gona behave ever again in ma hole life!

She told me and the Molls at our last parole hearing, that we was being moved to an Open Prizon in Lan Ark. Yeah right, very good, where ..... is Lan Ark! I hope the Postman knows, so that he can re-direct ma fan mail.

At the end of February we moved to the Open Prizon, right out in the countryside, you know the type of place, it was sheep ........ country! Where all the men wear wellies!! As we drove away from oor last prizon, I saw the nut job Rotti out walking...so as shouts to him....get yersel to ......, and as put two fingers up at him! All the way to oor new prizon, Mum kept sayin that I had to talk properly from noo on, cos we was going to live in a right nice place. Aye very good, like as dont already speak real posh!
But hey, this place is real cool, cos instead of using knives like they do in Glesga, the neds out here have shotguns....that is brilliant. I must get masel one of them! I wish as had one of them in Glesga, I could have taken oot the Rotti and all the dug dealers in the area.

Oor new playroom is rotten, obviously udder prizoners have been held captive in here, but ma Mum will no stand for me and the Molls living in this old dated place, cos she knows we like noo fings, they taste much better! This really is an open prizon, the garden is massive, it will take me and the Molls years to tunnel out of this place, and there is no LSD to help us!! Oh well best make a start!

Tomorrow as gona tell ewes about more about ma new prizon and about the fact that ma
Mum & Dad really are dug dealers!!

So much for Santa Closs!

Ma Mum keeps asking me if as is excited cos its xmas. What is she going on aboot? Its just some guys birffday, but its no ma birffday, so I'm no bothered. Dad has been staying here for ages, it feels like an eeternity....does he no know when he has overstayed his welcome. Ok, so he didnae get a 'welcome', unless you count the bites on his hands and arms, but has he no got his ane hoose to go to?

Mum pit up a right nice tree for me to pee on, its great, cos it saves me going outside in the cold. I think the lights on it are real cool, a pee-tree fit for a King!! There are loads of packages underneath ma pee-tree, but I couldnt see what was inside them, so I decided best thing to do to get a swatch at them, was to tear the paper off them. Wey Hey Mollee, quick come and look at what Santa Closs has left us!! Fishnet stockings and they are full of right nice things!! I guess these stockings are for ma Molls to wear later. Like all red blooded males, (maybe as has blue blood cos I'm a King), I will have the contents of the stockings, and me Molls can have the stockings....yeah thats a good plan.

What the ..... Molls isnae happy just with the Fishnets....she's so ungrateful, she wants the toys and chocolates inside them aswell. Well am no wearing the fishnet stockings thats for sure!! Mollee you are a beetch (state the obvious, it catches her off guard!), you just ate all ma chocolates from Santa and broke all ma toys.......Dad, help, ave no got a present from Santa now! Ha ha Molls just got into bother from Mum & Dad. I'll sit here looking real sorry for masel and see if I get something better!

What the ....Mum says not to worry cos we are going for a walk!! Oh yeah right, very good, like.... that makes up for me no gettin any presents from Santa, cos the Molls stole them from me. Right am no gona pee on the walk, that will show them! OMG, we have been walking for hours, am knackered now and burstin for a pee. I should have used the pee-tree in the house before I left. Oh no hells bells, am gona have to pee...they better no look at ma missin crown jewells or laff at me! Oh thats better!! Thats the first time a have peed oot side ma ane gerdin, in a public place! Its no really the dun thing for the King to be seen peein, hope the paparazzi didnae catch that on camera!

Tomorrow as gona tell you about me plans to move to an open prizon in Lan Ark!