Floatin like a Butter Fly

Hullo all ewes oot there, ewes will no beeleeve wits happined tae mee. Ah have no bin well.

Noo wit happined wiz thiz. Mee and Mollee wur taken tae the Vet fur tae get wur annual injeckshons - thiz only happins one times a yeer. Well in wees go tae see the vet and ma Mollee wiz pure dane hur shakin steevens impershonashon, so ah had tae bee tuff and show hur ah wiz nae feert. Ah wiz rite tuff and scaree, so the Vet pit a hannibal lecture face mask on mee and ah must admitt ah did look like a rite plonker.

Next fing ah seen the Vet stickin sumfin in ma Mollee's neck and ah swears tae masell it looked like a neeedell. Az says 'oh no wate wan minit ewe are no dane that tae mee' and ah pure started boxing wiff the Vet, like skippy the kangarooo. But see fing iz the Vet fot hee wiz tuff two, mare like tuff tee the squirrell if ewes ask mee. Anyways, next fing ah kens ah wiz pure floatin like a Butter Fly, just befour the ineckshon Stung like a Beee!

Ah diznae ken wit happin tae mee, but ah finks ah wiz drugged or sumfin.

Ah shouted 'hey ya tube az am fallen asleep and ah cannee box ewe if az am asleep. I couldnae bite the Vet, so I dun the nexx best fing an ah pood rite on him, how cool wiz that?

Ah wid tell ewe wit happined nexx, but ah diznae ken, so ah cannee tell ewes. But fing iz, when ah woke up 6 hours laters, ah wiz in ma ane living rooms wiff a blanket on mee like ewe see ill peepells have in a hosspetal. Ah looked in the mirrur and wit did ah see? Well ah seen masell, but udder than that ah had a huge massive black eye. Noo ah kens wit ewes are finkin, ewes are finkin that az am a black dug ah have black eyes, but thiz wiz different, ma eye wiz like fool of blood or sumfin and ah had udder cuts all over ma boddee, jist like ma heeero Mohamed Allee.

Ah herd ma Mum sayin tae ma Dad that she fot she should fone the Vet and ask if the huge cut on his hand wiz better. Ma Mollee wiz pure laffin when shee herd that, coz shee telt mee that ah pure geed the Vet a tankin and ma nail ripped a big hole rite doon hiz hand, and a poo'd on him. Ma Mollleee says it wiz the funniest fing shee had ever seen in the hole of hur life and it took the Vet an hour tae gee mee ma innockulashon. Ah finks that is an udder world reckord set by mee big Presley. Noo ah will show ewes the picktoors of mee, so that ewes will ken how pure ill ah wiz, but dont send mee a get well sooon king presley card, pleese jist send the monee insted.

Thiz is ma black eye

Thiz iz mee bean ill

Cheer up dae

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear... big Presley. Ah have had tae make sum decsions over the past too days aboot fings and ah fot ah wid let ewes ken wit ah have decided.
Noo numbur wan fing. Noo pleese do not bee two disapointed wiff ma first fing, but ah have bin inundated wiff orders fur peepells wantin a Klone of mee, but ah fink i'll no bover tae get Klones of masell, coz ah fink Wan King is enuff fur this world tae cope wiff and anyway ma Mollees wiz greetin coz shee said shee widnae ken wit wan wiz the reel mee. An ah cannee have ma Mollee greetin.
Next fing iz that wees have bin pure upsets coz ma big brover went tae Ranebow Bridge the udder day, so ah fot it wiz time tae cheer everyboddees up. Noo ah fot the best wae fur mee tae do thiz iz by showin ewes sum picktoors of mee and ma Mollee. Ewes can print ma picktoor and stick it up. Noo wate wan minite ah didnae say where ewes wur tae stick it. Ah meens on ewer wall or sumfin. Ah ken its no as good as havin a Klone, but its the next best fing. And ....ah can come an stay wiff ewe fur a sleeep over if ewes have a coot beetch in ewer hoose.
Here is ma picktoors fur ewes


Noo thiz nexx wan iz funnee - look at ma Molleees face, ah wiz shoutin tae hur, 'Mollee az have a big fing fur ewe'. Ah diznae ken wit shee fot it wiz!!!

In Memoree of Big Ivy Pyvee

Deer everboddees, az am rite sorree tae say that ma Big Brover Ivor, affectshonally kent az Big Ivy Pyvee went tae Rainbow Bridge at 10.30am this morning.


Hee wiz a furrelee nice chap and ma Mum called him P Bear - that stood fur Polar Bear - cos hee looked jizt like wan, and hee wiz ma Dads best pal.


Wee are all rite sad tonites and the open prizon at Lan Ark will niver bee the same wiffoot him.


Run free big man, look efter all the udders up there and wee's will meet again wan day.


Love fae yer weee bruver King Presley xxxxxx

Where shoold ah invest ma moneee??

Hullo all ewes oot there, how r ewes doin?
Noo ewes is all wunderin why az am sooooo happee todaes. Well there are too fings that have made mee happee todaes. Numbur wan iz that ma Mum haz bin talkin aboot goin on a croose soon. How cool iz that? That meens that mee and Mollee gets a holeedaes even if wees didnae leeve the Open Prizon hear at Lan Ark. Coz see fing iz, ah can dae wit a like when theys are no hear an ah gets pure spoiled. See ma Mum pure tells everybuddee that ah am a nut job, but ah pure like tries to beehave masell so peepells fink ma Mum wiz tellin them porkee pies! So the peepells feel rite sorree fur mee and gee mee unners of cuddells and sumtimes kissess. Am no so soor ah likes them given mee kisses, but ah soor likes tae give them kisses, espeshally if ah have jist cleened oot ma bits. So ah wiz finkin that ah should gee ma Mum sum monee fur spending on holeedae and she can bring mee back sumfin nice. But then, wate wan minit, ah have a dielemmarr. Coz ma pal in Souff Koreeeah haz learned how tae Klone a dug. Eye that iz troo.
So, ah wiz finkin that maybees ah sould save up ma pockit monee and buy masell a reel dug of masell. Can ewes imagin how cool that wid bee if there wiz too King Presleys insted of Wan King.
Noo see ah kens wit ewes are finkin, ewes are finkin why wid King Presley want an udder King Presley. Well, ah wiz finkin that if there wiz too King Presleys, ma Klone could stay hear wiff ma Mollee and ah could go and live wiff ma Feeonsee Rag. Noo sumtimes, ah wid swop places wiff the Klone and come back hear tae the Open Prizon tae make soor Mac isnae tryin tae move in on ma Mollee. Noo its xpensive tae get a Klone of mee, so ah wid need to save up fur aboot 49 yeers, but ah finks it wid bee worff it. So ma dielemmarr is thiz, dae ah gee ma Mum spendin monee fur hur holedae tae bye mee sumfin nice or does ah save up fur a Klone??
Az will need tae gee thiz wan a bit of fot, but az will let ewes ken wit ah have decided.
Love fae big Presley the King - the Wan King at the moment. xxxxxx

The first Piktoor iz the Reel King Presley an the second wan is wit ma Klone wid look like!

Its Rabbee Burns Dae!

Hullo everybodees, its mee big Presley, or fur ma fannees, ewes can call mee Preslee Burns todae!
Noo see fur all ewes undedoocated peepells oot there, todae is Rabbee Burns dae, and ah fink az am related tae him. Ah fink hee wiz ma grate, grate, grate, grate grandfather or sumfin. Noo wate wan minit, az kens wit ewes are finkin. Ewes are finkin that az am only sayin that coz hee iz neerlee as famoose az mee. But that iz no troo. See fing iz, have ewes ever red any of hiz poemms, coz if ewes have, ewes will see that hee pure spells everyfin like mee. Ah swears tae masell hee diz. If ewes are no familiar wiff hiz poemms, hear iz a reemindur of wit hee rote, and ewes will see there iz a familee reesemblense.
My Love is like a Read Read rose - thiz wiz rit fur ma Mollee and ma Rag and all ma udder babes.
Address fur tae send the Haggiss - thiz wiz rit fur Bazil, coz he iz a fat man.
Auld Langs Wine - wiz rit fur Wizzy Wong.
Hollee Willees Prayer - ah dont fink az should say who he rit this wan fur, but ewes can fink aboot it yersells.
and last but no leest.. 'To a Moose' - that wiz rit fur ma Mollee, coz shee pure kills all the mice.
Noo ewes can see why az iz reelated tae Rabbee Burns, and az will bee havin ma Haggiss tonites and ma Dad can have the Wiskee.
So when ewes have a drink tae Rabbee Burns tonite, ewe can have a piece of toast fur mee too.
Have a rite nice Presley Burns Dae, all ma loves Big Presley xxxxxx

Gee the man hiz medall

Hullo all ewes oot there. Noo first fings first. Ma Mum says am no aloud tae say 'ewes is ma fannees'. Shee said the wurd am lookin fur iz Fans. Well am no so soor, an ah says tae hur that ma fannees will no kent wit ah meen, theys will fink ah have forgottin how tae spell or sumfin.
Anyways, wees had a pure brillent weakend, coz ma Unkill George came tae stay wiff uz and hee iz so pur funnee and hee made mee and Mollee laff at all hiz troo storees. See ma Mum haz bin friends wiff Unkill George fur aboot 68 years or sumfin, its a rite long time.
Noo fing iz, ma Unkill George wiz a pollisman fur aboot 27 of they yeers, but no a WTC, fur uneducated peepells that stands fur Wooden Top Cop, hee wiz in the seereeus crime squad and hee had a gun, so hee delt wiff reel seereeus fings like ma pal on the tellys Taggart, who works oot who did murrdurs. Cool eh? Anyways when ma Unkill George wiz a pollisman, hee got a certificate fur bean brave, it wiz the highest commendation a pollisman can get. Noo normallees a pollisman wid get a medal fur tae go wiff thiz certificate, but hee niver got hiz medal, so ah deecided tae turn dog dickective and find oot why not. Ah fund the ansur in a book ritten by the heed of the seereeus crime squad. Ewes will no beeleeve it, but it turns oot that Unkill George pure swore at a robber when hee arrested him! Ah swears tae masell that iz the troof. The WTC brigade of nut job seenur officers, the wans that are two afraid tae leeve there desks, deecided that wiznae PC, which stands fur Pollisman Currsin. Noo ah cannee repeet wit it wiz that hee said eggactlee, but wit hee said wiz 'move and I'll blow yer f....... heed aff'. Noo ah finks that wiz PC an ah finks if mare pollis did thiz tae robbers, wees wid live in a safer world.
Ma Mollee wiz pure greetin when ah telt hur that storree, coz shee fot Unkill George wid dae that tae hur fur killin the mice in the gerdin. But see fing iz, wit shee didnae ken wiz that ah had telt ma Unkill that shee kilt them bye acksident and didnae mean tae, so it wiz moose slaughter and no man slaughter. Ah fot it wiz funnee tae let hur fink hee had come fur tae arrest hur and maybees shee will catch uz a moose fur tae keep az a pet in the hoose next times. Efter shee had pure wet hersell fur the turd time, ah telt hur hee wiz retired frum the Pollis noo and couldnae arrest hur. The look on hur face wiz pure funnee.
Anyways, ah finks ma Unkill should get hiz medal, but no fur swearin, fur bean pals wiff ma Mum fur so many yeers. Noo ah fink that over the commin monffs ah will tell ewe sum of ma Unkills rite funnee storees, hee iz a pure hoot and mee and Mollee hope wee will see him soon tae tell uz sum mare storees of bean a Pollisman and maybees hee could get mee a job az a Pollis Dug. Rite az am aff tae play in the ssssssssnnoooowwww!! wey hey Molleee!!
Love fae big Presley the next Pollis Dug. xxxx

Ha Ley Loo Yah!

Hullo everyboddees, az hope ewes iz az happee az mee!
Noo let mee tells ewes a troo storee and ah swears tae masell this is the troof, but its so good ah dont fink even ma most loyal fannees will beeleeve mee.
See fing iz ah used tae beeleeve in Angels, eye its troo, but then ah sent wan of ma Angels tae ma Antee Noras. And ewes will no beeleeve it. Ma Angel couldnae even find hur wae tae Edinburger. Noo fing iz is if shee cannee look efter hersell, wit chance haz she got lookin efter ma Antee Noras. So ah pure sacked that Angel, and ah said tae Molllee ah didnae beeleeve in Angels anymores. Ma Mollee said it wiznae the Angels falt that shee got lost. Mollee finks postman pat wiz jizt probably playin wiff hiz pusseee cat and forgot tae delivers wur letteur.
Anyways, yisterday, Mee and Mollee wiz at the sopps, fur tae bye sum sopping at the pet sopp. Az wees wur walkin tae the pet sopp ah looked intae the windae of an udder sopp and ah fot all ma kismmasses had come at once. Ewes will no beeleeve wit theys wur sellin. Noo thiz iz the troof and ewes can check it oot fur yersells. This sopp wiz sellin......trees!! Eye trees, but wate wan minit no jizt any auld trees, like the wans wee dugs use tae pee pee on. These wur magic trees!! Honest!! Theys had a big notice beside them and it says 'Grow yer own Plums'!!!
Ah swear tae masell that is pure 100000% the troof. Ah pure yelled Ha Ley Loo Ya, fae the top of ma heed. Ah checked oot ma pocket monee, but ah only had eenuff monee tae bye wan tree, but az only need too plums, so ah hope wan tree will bee eenuff. Noo between ewe an mee, ah finks thiz iz wan big monee makin scam by the Vets. See they pure remove a dugs plums when theys are no lookin and pit them in jars. Then they sell the 'grow yer an plums' trees next tae the pet sopp, so wees dugs will rush in an bye them. So in a foo monffs ah will have ma ane plums! Ah will let ewes ken wit theys are like, but rite noo am off tae fank the angels fur pure listen tae ma prayers! Ha Ley Loo Yah!!
An also tae fank them fur lookin efter ma Antee Noras. Ah loves ewe Antee Noras.
Buy for noo, big Presley the King - who will have hiz an plums soon xxxxxxxxxxx