Hullo all ma fans, az bets ewes haz been missin me, well az iz back! Az haz been pure dead buzy rightin ma book. Todays though ah decides tae take a day aff fae rightin and az went on a walk wae some of ma beetches and some of ma hetro sexually challenged pals. See az wiz going tae write that theys were gay, but not all of thems are, some are pure right grumpy sometimes. Anyways aff me and ma Molls went tae a right far place in the pet hearse, az finks it wiz aboot 397 miles tae get there and aboot 3 miles tae come hame. Az meets up wae sum of ma old pals, but az wiz right sad that ma best pal Toby McKay wiznae there.
Well aw ma udder pals wiz there, Spooky caspur the sexually challenged wan, and hiz new boyfriend Ruben!! Ruben, wit kind of name is that?? If ma Molls wets on the carpet, az heers ma Mum shout, az haz bin 'ruben' this fur ages and the stain still haznae cum oot.
Then there wiz an udder big guy there called John, az finks az will call him Jonny, coz wees were on a walk and az kens some wan else called Johnny Walker. Noo ma pal Jonny, had hiz cells mates wae him and they wurs called Toots and Lassie. No the Lassie fae the telly mind, in fact, if shees wiz Lassie, shees wid be oot a job, coz she wiz sufferin from that wumins fing and shees wiz right narky wae the boys, butt she pure dead like mee.
Ewes will no believe wit happened tae mees. Az does what a King haz dae do, and coz az didnae huv ma Minder big mac wae me or ma heed of security Ikea, az decided that az should show ma beetches that az wiz a right proper gentledug and cover ma pee. But az swears tae masell, az a did thiz az fot a had dropped ma bling...wan of the Kings crown jewells, so az pure dead quickly bent doon tae pick it up wiffoot them seeins mee. But oz ah hears is awe the prison guards right laffin, coz theys finks az fell. Noo if ewes heers az fells, that iz jist no true.
Az iz pure right tired the nite, so az iz aff fur ma handsome sleep. Az will be back soon.
Love tae awe ma beetches.
Big Presley the King. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sunday, 20 January 2008
Wednesday, 9 January 2008
Az haz a new hero
Az ewes will ken az haz been lookin fur a way oot of the open prison here in Lan Ark fur pure dead ages noo, but az haz no been very good at it. Well except that wan day that me and ma Molls took the bus tae visit ma Aunty Rachels and wees had tae come back coz az had forgotten ma Tiger.
Az iz always lookin fur ways tae eescape ma prison, coz wees is all lifers in here, and ma favorit film is the Great Eescape. Well only the wans that does gets to escapes, no the wans that gets themsells cot. Noo although wees are all lifers in this open prison, wees iz no on deaf row, so that iz a right bonus fur uz, coz wees can hear, so maybees wees are on hears row. But check oot yon Kenny Rich, wit iz he awe aboot. Theys Americans were aboot tae put him in wan of they electric chair fings, but wan hoor before, theys finks that maybees hees should get an udder chance. Noo there wiz only wan good fing aboot that, coz he wid have got a right nice meal that night, but the right bad fing iz, he didnae get a chance tae play leap frog wae any beetches. Anyways, az haz herd that hees haz eescaped and ewes will no beeleeve this but hees haz only gone and eescaped tae Scotland, the very place wees is tryin tae eescape fae.
Noo wit iz awe that aboot? Az iz noo finkin that if somewan wid rather bee here in Scotland than be in wan of they deaf row places, then maybees me and Ma Molls haz maybees got a good life. Az finks az will need tae re considur eescapin fae this prison.
Big Presley haz left the study tae work oot a plan tae stay at the open prison in Lan Ark. x
Az iz always lookin fur ways tae eescape ma prison, coz wees is all lifers in here, and ma favorit film is the Great Eescape. Well only the wans that does gets to escapes, no the wans that gets themsells cot. Noo although wees are all lifers in this open prison, wees iz no on deaf row, so that iz a right bonus fur uz, coz wees can hear, so maybees wees are on hears row. But check oot yon Kenny Rich, wit iz he awe aboot. Theys Americans were aboot tae put him in wan of they electric chair fings, but wan hoor before, theys finks that maybees hees should get an udder chance. Noo there wiz only wan good fing aboot that, coz he wid have got a right nice meal that night, but the right bad fing iz, he didnae get a chance tae play leap frog wae any beetches. Anyways, az haz herd that hees haz eescaped and ewes will no beeleeve this but hees haz only gone and eescaped tae Scotland, the very place wees is tryin tae eescape fae.
Noo wit iz awe that aboot? Az iz noo finkin that if somewan wid rather bee here in Scotland than be in wan of they deaf row places, then maybees me and Ma Molls haz maybees got a good life. Az finks az will need tae re considur eescapin fae this prison.
Big Presley haz left the study tae work oot a plan tae stay at the open prison in Lan Ark. x
Tuesday, 8 January 2008
The Kings Real Birffday
Remembrin the King, its hiz birfday - ma pal Elviz the Pelviz Presley. Today wiz the day Elviz the Pelviz wiz born back in 1935, so ah fink he wid huv been 730 yrs old today. Thats right cool eh? Noo az diznae kens wit happened the night he died, but az have a Suspicious Mind and az finks he jist finally managed tae eescape fae all the fans, or fannees az ma pal big Ivy calls them. Noo az kens ewes iz finkin that az am jist nofin but a Hound Dog, makin up stories, but az haz read aboot the night he died and az kens it diznae add up.
See thiz iz wit happened. Elviz wiz a right joker and wan night he entered a competition fur an Elivz 'look a like', and dae ewes ken wit happened, he didnae win it, az swears tae masell, he came furd. That wiz so funnee, ma Molls loves that story. And did ewes ken that ma pal
Elviz the Pelvis wiz a drug enforcement officer, that is right troo tae, coz it wiz yon bampot President Nixon that swore him in az wan on the 21 Dezember 1970 . And az haz seen the picktoors tae. Noo az kens that ma pal Elviz liked his buggers, double wans wae cheeze on thems tae, and az kens he could have dane wae a run aroond ma exercise yerd, but az diznae finks that he died coz he eight wan bugger too many. Ma feery on his deaf is thiz. Az finks he got up wan mornin and tells hiz pals he hud enuff of the fannees and wiz goin tae disappear fur a while. So he dresses himsell up as Elvis the singer and aff he goes. Noo az finks he telt hiz pals tae tell everywan that he wiz deed, so that theys widnae go lookin fur him. And theys fot it wid be pure dead funny tae say he died dane a poo on the loo. But then a right bad accident happened oot side Greysland. Two wumin wur kilt by a car. Noo Elviz couldnae very well come back and say, az wiz only jokin, az did no die dane a poo in the loo. And az swears tae masell that still tae thiz day Priscilla still talks aboot him likes hees is still aroond. Only last year she went and says 'Elviz loves watchin football'. Noo she wiznae talkin aboot me, coz az likes playin football and ewes wid think that 29yrs doon the line fae hiz poo in the loo deaf, that she wid ken tae talk aboot him in the past tense. Even az kens that. Hees is deed 30yrs noo and his father said that wees wid find oot the troof aboot Elviz 50years efter his father died. Thats a right long time tae wait. Az finks theys should come clean noo and telt uz the troof, coz az wid hate tae fink that az wiznae the only Presley the King still kickin aboot. And az finks that az seen him near oor open prison here in Lan Ark. Hees will probably be spyin on mees coz az iz the new King, az iz Elvis the Pedigree Lurcher, and hees will want tae see awe ma beetches. Well az iz no sharein ma beetches wae him, coz theys are awe mine and az will always Love then right Tender.
So az hopes hees haz a happy birffday where ever hees iz, but its no ma birfday so az iz no bovered.
Elvis the King haz left the study, hees iz takin care of business in the exercise yerd, checkin that no wan is spyin on him dane a poo.
See thiz iz wit happened. Elviz wiz a right joker and wan night he entered a competition fur an Elivz 'look a like', and dae ewes ken wit happened, he didnae win it, az swears tae masell, he came furd. That wiz so funnee, ma Molls loves that story. And did ewes ken that ma pal
Elviz the Pelvis wiz a drug enforcement officer, that is right troo tae, coz it wiz yon bampot President Nixon that swore him in az wan on the 21 Dezember 1970 . And az haz seen the picktoors tae. Noo az kens that ma pal Elviz liked his buggers, double wans wae cheeze on thems tae, and az kens he could have dane wae a run aroond ma exercise yerd, but az diznae finks that he died coz he eight wan bugger too many. Ma feery on his deaf is thiz. Az finks he got up wan mornin and tells hiz pals he hud enuff of the fannees and wiz goin tae disappear fur a while. So he dresses himsell up as Elvis the singer and aff he goes. Noo az finks he telt hiz pals tae tell everywan that he wiz deed, so that theys widnae go lookin fur him. And theys fot it wid be pure dead funny tae say he died dane a poo on the loo. But then a right bad accident happened oot side Greysland. Two wumin wur kilt by a car. Noo Elviz couldnae very well come back and say, az wiz only jokin, az did no die dane a poo in the loo. And az swears tae masell that still tae thiz day Priscilla still talks aboot him likes hees is still aroond. Only last year she went and says 'Elviz loves watchin football'. Noo she wiznae talkin aboot me, coz az likes playin football and ewes wid think that 29yrs doon the line fae hiz poo in the loo deaf, that she wid ken tae talk aboot him in the past tense. Even az kens that. Hees is deed 30yrs noo and his father said that wees wid find oot the troof aboot Elviz 50years efter his father died. Thats a right long time tae wait. Az finks theys should come clean noo and telt uz the troof, coz az wid hate tae fink that az wiznae the only Presley the King still kickin aboot. And az finks that az seen him near oor open prison here in Lan Ark. Hees will probably be spyin on mees coz az iz the new King, az iz Elvis the Pedigree Lurcher, and hees will want tae see awe ma beetches. Well az iz no sharein ma beetches wae him, coz theys are awe mine and az will always Love then right Tender.
So az hopes hees haz a happy birffday where ever hees iz, but its no ma birfday so az iz no bovered.
Elvis the King haz left the study, hees iz takin care of business in the exercise yerd, checkin that no wan is spyin on him dane a poo.
Saturday, 5 January 2008
Wellcum tae 2008
Hulo all ewes oot there and az wants tae wish awe ewes a Happy New Years! Noo az haz hud a problem gettin on tae a compootar, tae gee ewes ma pre-dick-shons, coz az haz been on wan of they freeky retreet fings. Az wiz finking that az wid tells ewes awe aboot ma retreet fing coz az finks it wiz dead cool. See wit happened wiz thiz. Az wiz looking on ma compootar, surfin the web in ma Speedos, and az finds oot that lots of plonkers take time oot tae go tae a retreet tae find themsells. Az finks that iz so cool, so if ewes gets lost, oz ewe need tae dae do is go tae wan of they retreet fings and hey presto, there ewer are, ewes find yersell.
Noo ma bouncer pal big Mac wiz aff fur the Kissmass holidays, he didnae go far, he jist kinda stayed at hame in his cell, playin wae himsell. Noo that meant that me an Ma Molls couldnae go oot in publik, coz a wid have been pure dead mobbed by the mob of ma fans. Ma pal big Ivy calls ma fans the fannees, coz there is so many of them. So az didnae ken wit az wiz going tae do wae ma time aff at New Yeers, so az fot it wid be cool tae go tae a retreet. Az packs my back pack and off a went. Well I didnae get very far coz a didnae ken wit bus took me tae the retreet, so right away az wiz lost and in the position of tryin tae find masell and az hudnae even left the prison. Thats jist goes tae prove that they retreet fings really work and nae wonder ewes have tae find yersells coz it disnae take much tae get lost and confoosed. So aff az goes and retreets tae ma bed. Cool eh?
Right az iz no wantin ewes tae laff at me coz az gets masell lost in ma ane prison, coz sumfin else happened. Ma Aunty Rachels who lives right near me, well aboot 248 miles away. Well she said ah could go and stay wae hur and ma Unkill Eddee. Az checked how much pocket money ah had in ma Big Boys Toy Fund and az hud 23 and a half pence, plus 5 Euros fur ma bus fare. So az packs ma back pack again and aff az goes tae ma Aunty Rachels. No wit happened wiz thiz. Az had packed awe ma best fings. Az packed ma Speedos (fur sufrin the net), ma half eaten bugger fae Santa Coz, ma new serious bling and ma Molls. Az pits ma Molls in ma back pack coz wees didnae huv eenuff pocket money fur 2 bus fares. When wees were on the bus, me and Molls wur pure dead happy, and az wiz tellin ma Molls about awe the right nice feelds and fings wees wur drivin past, coz she wiz still in the back pack. Then a remembers az hud left ma Tiger at hame. Noo az canny go anywhere wayoot ma Tiger, so wees hud tae get back aff the bus and go back hame. Az didnae have eenuff money tae get back tae the prison, and the bus driver flung me aff 2 stops early and wees had tae walk awe the way back. Az iz noo going tae huff tae save up mare pocket money so that me and ma Molls can go and visit ma Aunty Rachel.
Az iz away off tae clear the patio of Wizzy poos, so that az will get pocket money. Big presley haz left the study tae eat mare poo, nae wonder he talks such poo.
Aw ra best fur 2008 tae awe ma beetches. Love fae Big Presley the Pedigree Lurcher. xx
Noo ma bouncer pal big Mac wiz aff fur the Kissmass holidays, he didnae go far, he jist kinda stayed at hame in his cell, playin wae himsell. Noo that meant that me an Ma Molls couldnae go oot in publik, coz a wid have been pure dead mobbed by the mob of ma fans. Ma pal big Ivy calls ma fans the fannees, coz there is so many of them. So az didnae ken wit az wiz going tae do wae ma time aff at New Yeers, so az fot it wid be cool tae go tae a retreet. Az packs my back pack and off a went. Well I didnae get very far coz a didnae ken wit bus took me tae the retreet, so right away az wiz lost and in the position of tryin tae find masell and az hudnae even left the prison. Thats jist goes tae prove that they retreet fings really work and nae wonder ewes have tae find yersells coz it disnae take much tae get lost and confoosed. So aff az goes and retreets tae ma bed. Cool eh?
Right az iz no wantin ewes tae laff at me coz az gets masell lost in ma ane prison, coz sumfin else happened. Ma Aunty Rachels who lives right near me, well aboot 248 miles away. Well she said ah could go and stay wae hur and ma Unkill Eddee. Az checked how much pocket money ah had in ma Big Boys Toy Fund and az hud 23 and a half pence, plus 5 Euros fur ma bus fare. So az packs ma back pack again and aff az goes tae ma Aunty Rachels. No wit happened wiz thiz. Az had packed awe ma best fings. Az packed ma Speedos (fur sufrin the net), ma half eaten bugger fae Santa Coz, ma new serious bling and ma Molls. Az pits ma Molls in ma back pack coz wees didnae huv eenuff pocket money fur 2 bus fares. When wees were on the bus, me and Molls wur pure dead happy, and az wiz tellin ma Molls about awe the right nice feelds and fings wees wur drivin past, coz she wiz still in the back pack. Then a remembers az hud left ma Tiger at hame. Noo az canny go anywhere wayoot ma Tiger, so wees hud tae get back aff the bus and go back hame. Az didnae have eenuff money tae get back tae the prison, and the bus driver flung me aff 2 stops early and wees had tae walk awe the way back. Az iz noo going tae huff tae save up mare pocket money so that me and ma Molls can go and visit ma Aunty Rachel.
Az iz away off tae clear the patio of Wizzy poos, so that az will get pocket money. Big presley haz left the study tae eat mare poo, nae wonder he talks such poo.
Aw ra best fur 2008 tae awe ma beetches. Love fae Big Presley the Pedigree Lurcher. xx
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