Ave bin real busy thinking of ways to get rid of my new long haired Dad, its no gona be eesee cos he's stalking ma Mum nearly every day now! Biting usually works, but this guy, who am meant to call Dad, just pulls faces like its not even hurtin, but I know it is!
I'm six months old now, but in hooman yeers that makes me neerlee 4yrs old. Its comin up to xmas, and Mum & Dad fink that I still believe in Santa...! I hope to get rid of Dad before kiss ma ass day, thats ma goal in life right now....Oh yeah that, and getting a hold of ma beetch the Molls!
Dad is reellee trying to move in on ma Mum, buying her flowers....YUCK.
I must remember to add a little yellow coloured water to them later!! Whats he gone and done now....only bought me a noo coat, to get into ma Mums good books! I grew out of ma last coat really quickly, I meant to do that, cos it was a right horrid colour of green and I dont DO GREEN, especially as it was joby shade of green! Ma last coat hardly even covered ma crown jewels......aye alright, so I dont have any crown jewels, the vet stole them, but I dont think everyone else needs to see that I dont have any!!! Especially all the lovely beetches out there.
What the ......, ma new coat is LIGHT joby GREEN....willl they never learn? Right lets see how long it takes Dad to put this on me, Molls can time me, so that I can work out how many bites per second I can do! 3 minutes 22 seconds....not bad for a first attempt, and a total of 67 bites! Thats an average of one bite every 3 seconds for all the unedoocated peepells out there who cant count! Dad looks like he does that self harm thing with the razor blades, thats so funnee! I have tried to stab him a few times with my knive collection, and although I keep missing him, I will get him one of these days.
I wonder what I will get from 'Santa' ....aye very good, it better no be a JOBY GREEN hat and scraf set. Tomorrow I will tell you what Mum & Dad get me and the Molls for xmas! x
Sunday 28 October 2007
Friday 26 October 2007
The long haired dug dealer makes a move
Help ma boab....I've just herd Mum on the fone...she's doin a bit of dug dealing with some guy and trying to get rid of ma beetch Mollee! See, this is like emotional blackmail, cos I heard her saying to this guy on the fone that if the Molls moved to an udder prizon, then ma Mum could concentrate on me and teech me to be a right good dug! Ad hate to be blamed for ma beetch Mollee bean sent to an udder prizon wiffout me, so as gona be a real good boy from now on.....well at least until I knows ma beetch is safe!
As been a right good dug, nae nonsense, well ok, just a bit! Mum bot a noo Hannibal Lecter face mask for me (cos a chewed the last one), and when she took it out the packet she put it on top of ma cage! The little thing that attaches it to ma face was hanging down into ma cage, so I tasted it! It tasted right good, so I chooed frew it to make sure the whole thing tasted good! I did this in record time, it took me all of 10 seconds....thats pretty good, even by my standards. Mum had only turned her back long enough to fill her noo kettle, and when she turned around and saw my good work...she did that screeming fing again!
Next fing this long haired guy appears at oor hoose and looked at ma Molls. I herd him say that she was so cute that he would be able to find another dug dealer to take her in no time! So I started shouting at him...telling him get lost, cos ma beetch Molls wasnt CAT SAFE, and she peed in the kitchen once, and that she eescaped from her chasisty belt and he better not try and take her, cos I decked a Rotti, so he would be nae bother to bite! How long is this guy gona stay here? He has sat on his jacksy now for about 2 hours!! Ave got ma knives hidden under ma bed, so he better no try and take ma beetch or I'll stab him. Whey Hey....he's gone, fantastic....another good result for me Presley, King to all the beetches!.
Oh no, he came back the following weak! Its always a Sunday, maybe he is one of those Jehovahs Witnesses people, that we love so much. He took me out of ma cage and the Molls, so a bit him, first on the hand (that didnt work - he just laffed)! Lets see if he laffs at this, so I bit him right on the Crown Jewels. Hey that DID hurt, what a brill face he pulled, can you do that again, in slow motion this time?!! That was soooooo funnee, that will teach him no to interfere with ma Molls.
I think this guy is stalking ma Mum, thats the 3rd weak in a row he has been here, how long does it take this nutjob to take the hint? What the ......, he seems to have brot a bag wiff him, I guess thats to smuggle ma beetch Molls out in!! I had to take a look in this bag, and you wont believe what he has brot....only his jim jams and all his dirty washing!! Yeah right, plonker, a knows you are gona steal ma Molls away during the night. So a sat up all night guarding the Molls. The guy was still there the next day, and Mum, said that this guy was to be ma new Dad!! What the.....? Next thing we know, there will be wedding bells or summit, and me and the Molls playing happy familiees!! YUCK!
That ma new mission in life to get rid of ma noo Dad!! I will update you later on how am gona do this, but for now....Big Presley has left the building...! x
As been a right good dug, nae nonsense, well ok, just a bit! Mum bot a noo Hannibal Lecter face mask for me (cos a chewed the last one), and when she took it out the packet she put it on top of ma cage! The little thing that attaches it to ma face was hanging down into ma cage, so I tasted it! It tasted right good, so I chooed frew it to make sure the whole thing tasted good! I did this in record time, it took me all of 10 seconds....thats pretty good, even by my standards. Mum had only turned her back long enough to fill her noo kettle, and when she turned around and saw my good work...she did that screeming fing again!
Next fing this long haired guy appears at oor hoose and looked at ma Molls. I herd him say that she was so cute that he would be able to find another dug dealer to take her in no time! So I started shouting at him...telling him get lost, cos ma beetch Molls wasnt CAT SAFE, and she peed in the kitchen once, and that she eescaped from her chasisty belt and he better not try and take her, cos I decked a Rotti, so he would be nae bother to bite! How long is this guy gona stay here? He has sat on his jacksy now for about 2 hours!! Ave got ma knives hidden under ma bed, so he better no try and take ma beetch or I'll stab him. Whey Hey....he's gone, fantastic....another good result for me Presley, King to all the beetches!.
Oh no, he came back the following weak! Its always a Sunday, maybe he is one of those Jehovahs Witnesses people, that we love so much. He took me out of ma cage and the Molls, so a bit him, first on the hand (that didnt work - he just laffed)! Lets see if he laffs at this, so I bit him right on the Crown Jewels. Hey that DID hurt, what a brill face he pulled, can you do that again, in slow motion this time?!! That was soooooo funnee, that will teach him no to interfere with ma Molls.
I think this guy is stalking ma Mum, thats the 3rd weak in a row he has been here, how long does it take this nutjob to take the hint? What the ......, he seems to have brot a bag wiff him, I guess thats to smuggle ma beetch Molls out in!! I had to take a look in this bag, and you wont believe what he has brot....only his jim jams and all his dirty washing!! Yeah right, plonker, a knows you are gona steal ma Molls away during the night. So a sat up all night guarding the Molls. The guy was still there the next day, and Mum, said that this guy was to be ma new Dad!! What the.....? Next thing we know, there will be wedding bells or summit, and me and the Molls playing happy familiees!! YUCK!
That ma new mission in life to get rid of ma noo Dad!! I will update you later on how am gona do this, but for now....Big Presley has left the building...! x
Wednesday 24 October 2007
Da King of Dogs - Big Presley
Hey this is cool bean all grown up, as allow to sit up and watch the telly with ma Mum, mee's like Ali G the best, he is cool!
OMG.....What is a man ment to do around here to get to use a PC! I wanted to update all the beetches out there on what I'm doing these days and had to 'wait'.....!! Ma Mum must be on Prozac or Crack or somefin, givng out orders like that, or is it cos as black? For all ma beetches out there, here is the next part of my storee....this is like chapter 2 of my life, cos I got fed up trying to eescape from the dug dealer and decided to stay here with ma beetch Molly and the Big Black Man...Mac, the Big Daddy!
A few weeks ago Mum put me in her car, and drove at her national speed limit of 102mph, I guest we were going to the Vet again, for more Nectar points for another new kettle or summit! OMG...she took me to see a sychologist...a nutjob interpreter to you and I. Its not me that needs to see one, its ma Mum, the dug dealer that should be going to see one!! I mean, I know what as doin, and a knows ma beetches like me just as a am....Presley the King! (without Crown Jewels).
What the ....? Its dug borstal. The room was full of beetches....wey to go big man.....get right in there!! They had got me doin stoopid things like sitting and lying down for a tiny wee bit of hedgehog. I think they said it was hedgehog, maybe it was hotdog, but as Veggie and am no eating another dog! Anyway, if it is hedgehog, its not even a proper hedgehog...these taste like Garlic, yuck, ....how was I meant to pull a beetch smelling like ave just eatin a Keebab?
One night there was big rocket things going off in the sky.....they are THE BIZNESS! I love them, I want one to shove up the jacksy of that Rotti who keeps wanting to attack the Big Black Man Mac! Hey that would be soooo cool, watching the Rotti take off in the air and burst into all those coloured lights....I must buy some with ma pocket money! Anyway, this night all ma beetches at dog borstal wouldnt do anyfin, they wanted me Big Presley to play leep frog to take their minds off the noise, but ma Mum had udder ideers. I had to act like a complete nut job in front of them all and lie down in the middle of the room and not move for a whole minit. Yeah right, very funny!!! Ma beetches fot I was dead cool, so I did it for them. Next thing is yeah, ......they thought it would be cool to turn the place into a swimming pool....and I wasnt wearing ma Speedos!
They shouted at me to get up off the floor...yeah right...no one gives me orders in front of the beetches, as am not goin anywhere. So a didnae move! Whey hey..... I guess ah did the right thing cos, Mum gave me a whole hedgehog to get up! Excellent...this borstal thing is a hoot! I must remember to pack Speedos for the next class! I didnae pull a beetch at borstal, but I did get a Certificate to say I went every week.....it looks exactly the same as the one I got for going to Sunday School and the Cubs everyweek..... so it can go on the wall with all the udders!
Tommorrow as gona tell you about some weerdo guy that is stalking ma Mum!!!
OMG.....What is a man ment to do around here to get to use a PC! I wanted to update all the beetches out there on what I'm doing these days and had to 'wait'.....!! Ma Mum must be on Prozac or Crack or somefin, givng out orders like that, or is it cos as black? For all ma beetches out there, here is the next part of my storee....this is like chapter 2 of my life, cos I got fed up trying to eescape from the dug dealer and decided to stay here with ma beetch Molly and the Big Black Man...Mac, the Big Daddy!
A few weeks ago Mum put me in her car, and drove at her national speed limit of 102mph, I guest we were going to the Vet again, for more Nectar points for another new kettle or summit! OMG...she took me to see a sychologist...a nutjob interpreter to you and I. Its not me that needs to see one, its ma Mum, the dug dealer that should be going to see one!! I mean, I know what as doin, and a knows ma beetches like me just as a am....Presley the King! (without Crown Jewels).
What the ....? Its dug borstal. The room was full of beetches....wey to go big man.....get right in there!! They had got me doin stoopid things like sitting and lying down for a tiny wee bit of hedgehog. I think they said it was hedgehog, maybe it was hotdog, but as Veggie and am no eating another dog! Anyway, if it is hedgehog, its not even a proper hedgehog...these taste like Garlic, yuck, ....how was I meant to pull a beetch smelling like ave just eatin a Keebab?
One night there was big rocket things going off in the sky.....they are THE BIZNESS! I love them, I want one to shove up the jacksy of that Rotti who keeps wanting to attack the Big Black Man Mac! Hey that would be soooo cool, watching the Rotti take off in the air and burst into all those coloured lights....I must buy some with ma pocket money! Anyway, this night all ma beetches at dog borstal wouldnt do anyfin, they wanted me Big Presley to play leep frog to take their minds off the noise, but ma Mum had udder ideers. I had to act like a complete nut job in front of them all and lie down in the middle of the room and not move for a whole minit. Yeah right, very funny!!! Ma beetches fot I was dead cool, so I did it for them. Next thing is yeah, ......they thought it would be cool to turn the place into a swimming pool....and I wasnt wearing ma Speedos!
They shouted at me to get up off the floor...yeah right...no one gives me orders in front of the beetches, as am not goin anywhere. So a didnae move! Whey hey..... I guess ah did the right thing cos, Mum gave me a whole hedgehog to get up! Excellent...this borstal thing is a hoot! I must remember to pack Speedos for the next class! I didnae pull a beetch at borstal, but I did get a Certificate to say I went every week.....it looks exactly the same as the one I got for going to Sunday School and the Cubs everyweek..... so it can go on the wall with all the udders!
Tommorrow as gona tell you about some weerdo guy that is stalking ma Mum!!!
Sunday 21 October 2007
Presley the man!
Ok........., so I'm Man enough to admit that perhaps I was wrong to try to eescape....cos lets face it Mum is a real laff, despite being stoopid! Well, she must be stoopid, she has kept me prisoner for a couple of months and when she got her calculator out, she added up that I have managed to achieve £5K worth of damage!! EXCELLENT. Emm, well, .....that was what it cost her to buy those things back in the good old days, by todays current value of the bits and bobs..... replacing these things will cost so much more! What a result!! Mollee, ma beetch wants to stay, and there is always the big black man ...Mac, Big Daddy, who I had to save from being savaged by a Rotti. So I am resigned to being a prizoner all my life......! BUT....and there is always a BUTT, (Mollee has a small butt!!), anyway I digress..........dream on big Presley............, the good thing is that I have a nice bed, I'm fed everyday wiffout hunting, I have an endless supply of knives to hide under my bed just in case, and I have a nutjob of a Mum. I wonder if she will Adopt me and she will bee ma reel Mum!!
Friday 19 October 2007
Az finks az haz brokin ma leg
Yisterday was a good day, despite the fact that a Rotti nearly tried to kill us, and I started to change my mind about eescaping from Mum. Ah decided to weigh everyfin up and see what the best option was. If I eescaped, I would have to hunt for food again. Yeah I like that idea of being the hunter gatherer, that sounds real cool and the Molls would be real impressed with ma hunting skills. Or, the other option is that me and the Molls could stay here, with Mum and Big Daddy Mac, getting fed as and when we want, have a nice warm comfy bed to sleep in, a play room to play in and a gerdin to ...... well, actually, 2nd thoughts forget the gerdin, Aaron ruined that!!
I fot I should run these options by the Molls, I think she will definately go for option 1.
In the name of the wee man, she said that she likes it here and doesnt want to eescape! What the .... is that all about, I think she fancees Mac cos of yisterday, but he is old enough to be her Grand Father, in fact he is old enough to be her Great, Great, Great Grandfather. Perish the fot!!! Yuck! Told you...she is all fur coat and nae knickers under that posh exterior!!
I told her that if we ran away we could have loads of fun and live happilee ever after, and anyway they abolished slavery 198 yrs ago. So Mum doesnt have any right to keep us like prizoners here, and treat us like slaves. OMG Molls is so thick! Ok, so I'm out numbered, I will have to go it alone and maybe meet someone along the way. The door is open and I reckon that if I run fast enough, I will be able to jump over that 8ft fence!
Wey Hey, Oh no, I tripped and fell, I forgot about the 2 steps at the door! Help, I cant move! Hey, Mum, help!! Here she comes. OMG, she is lifting me up and carrying me into the house. Mollee is crying, .........shut up Molls, its me thats dying not you! I guess this is God punishing me for trying to eescape, well I would believe that if I was religous, but I'm not! Mum, looks reellee concerned, I must be on my way out, I'm waiting for her to start reading me the last rites!!
Next thing Mum is lying me down in the back seat of the car and off we go, she is driving like a loony, no change there then!! I cant see very much from my death bed, so I think I will stand up and have a look out the window!! I feel very much better now, its amazing what a bit of attenshon does for ones well being!! OMG, I dont believe it, we are back at the Vets! I guess Mum must get Nectar points or Air Miles, for bringing me here so often. Maybe if I act dead they will feel sorry for me. Mum looks soooooo sad, this is funnee, I hope I dont laff and give the game away. She is carrying me in to see the Vet, but I'm watching her out of the corner of my eyes.
Oh. no its him again, the Vet that used to have a Stethoscope! What is he laff at now? He told Mum to put me down. See I knew I was dying and now he thinks its funnee that Mum has to put me down!! No way Man, I'm only joking, I'm not dying, yet!! ha ha see, I'm awake!! Oh no he meant, put me down on the floor! Oh yeah right, that was hysterical, very funnee! I'm going to pretend that I'm really ill then. The Vet is feeling me all over....weerdo! Now he's told Mum that I have pulled a mussell! At least I've pulled something, cos Mollee wasnt interested!! He stuck a big needle in me, but I wasnt bothered, it didnt hurt as much as the bite I gave him on the back of his hand!!
Mum paid this guy again, I hope she remembered to get the Nectar points, cos this half wit of a Vet sent me out without even a cool bandage on! I think I will give up on trying to escape! Must go now....Big Presley has left the building...taking care of business x
I fot I should run these options by the Molls, I think she will definately go for option 1.
In the name of the wee man, she said that she likes it here and doesnt want to eescape! What the .... is that all about, I think she fancees Mac cos of yisterday, but he is old enough to be her Grand Father, in fact he is old enough to be her Great, Great, Great Grandfather. Perish the fot!!! Yuck! Told you...she is all fur coat and nae knickers under that posh exterior!!
I told her that if we ran away we could have loads of fun and live happilee ever after, and anyway they abolished slavery 198 yrs ago. So Mum doesnt have any right to keep us like prizoners here, and treat us like slaves. OMG Molls is so thick! Ok, so I'm out numbered, I will have to go it alone and maybe meet someone along the way. The door is open and I reckon that if I run fast enough, I will be able to jump over that 8ft fence!
Wey Hey, Oh no, I tripped and fell, I forgot about the 2 steps at the door! Help, I cant move! Hey, Mum, help!! Here she comes. OMG, she is lifting me up and carrying me into the house. Mollee is crying, .........shut up Molls, its me thats dying not you! I guess this is God punishing me for trying to eescape, well I would believe that if I was religous, but I'm not! Mum, looks reellee concerned, I must be on my way out, I'm waiting for her to start reading me the last rites!!
Next thing Mum is lying me down in the back seat of the car and off we go, she is driving like a loony, no change there then!! I cant see very much from my death bed, so I think I will stand up and have a look out the window!! I feel very much better now, its amazing what a bit of attenshon does for ones well being!! OMG, I dont believe it, we are back at the Vets! I guess Mum must get Nectar points or Air Miles, for bringing me here so often. Maybe if I act dead they will feel sorry for me. Mum looks soooooo sad, this is funnee, I hope I dont laff and give the game away. She is carrying me in to see the Vet, but I'm watching her out of the corner of my eyes.
Oh. no its him again, the Vet that used to have a Stethoscope! What is he laff at now? He told Mum to put me down. See I knew I was dying and now he thinks its funnee that Mum has to put me down!! No way Man, I'm only joking, I'm not dying, yet!! ha ha see, I'm awake!! Oh no he meant, put me down on the floor! Oh yeah right, that was hysterical, very funnee! I'm going to pretend that I'm really ill then. The Vet is feeling me all over....weerdo! Now he's told Mum that I have pulled a mussell! At least I've pulled something, cos Mollee wasnt interested!! He stuck a big needle in me, but I wasnt bothered, it didnt hurt as much as the bite I gave him on the back of his hand!!
Mum paid this guy again, I hope she remembered to get the Nectar points, cos this half wit of a Vet sent me out without even a cool bandage on! I think I will give up on trying to escape! Must go now....Big Presley has left the building...taking care of business x
Thursday 18 October 2007
My first kiss from the Moll x
Yisterday was so funnee when Mollee managed to get free and chase Denzil, my sides are still sore from laffin. Mum is nuts, she has decided to take us all out again! Well, they do say that God loves a trier, but this is taking it to extreemes! Off we all went again, Me the Molls, the big black guy Mac, and the cat Denzil.
We didnt get very far when I felt the leeds to our chastity belts going reellee tite, I fot it was cos we were pulling Mum, but OMG.... it was a huge Rottweiller off the leed and heading straight for us! OMG he is about 60 stone and I guess he must have looked ok until the 2nd bus smacked his face....he was pure dead ugly! Hey, for a fat man, he could still run! The big black security man Mac will need to do a bit of work keeping this big Rotti away from me and the Molls.
OMG, he is going straight for ma wee Molls!! OMG.....HELP!! Mum cant do anyfin, cos she is holding us tite so that we dont eescape, we're trapped!! HELP!! Oh no, Molls has peed herself. Hey big black Man Mac what you gonna do, before this dug kills ma Molls? The Big Man Mac, went up on his hind legs...OMG he's a giant like that, he came straight down on the back of the Rotti, and the Rotti ran for his life....hey, well done big man, that was real cool. Way to go, big Mac!! Hang on wait a minute, the Molls just kissed big Mac for saving her. What is that all about!! The big black man Mac, is trying to steal ma beetch!!
The Rotti is back, he could be armed with a knive or somefin now and I have left my stash under my bed at home!! OMG, here he comes again. Hey Man, this time he's going for the big black man Mac. I must show the Molls how tuff I am, maybe I will get more than a kiss!! Just as the Rotti went to attack Mac, I jumped in between them and showed the Rotti my pearlee whites!! I told him to get lost ..........!!! No one will attack my Molls, or the big black Man.... Big Daddy!
Hey that worked... he ran away again!! I just got my first kiss from the Molls! I think I have died and gone to heaven! No tongues mind, but she is probably saving that for later! What the ......!! The big Black Man has just kissed me too, yuck....get yersel to ........!!
Oh, eh... I have just realised why the Rotti ran away, Denzil ran up to him to distract him and he chased Denzil instead. Denzil is now perched ontop of a really high fence, putting two fingers up at the Rotti!! Oh well, who cares, I still got my first kiss from the Molls.
Hey this family business is quite cool, I think I'll need to re-think my plan to escape!
Big Presley the King, signing off....Taking Care of Business....esp with the Molls!! x
We didnt get very far when I felt the leeds to our chastity belts going reellee tite, I fot it was cos we were pulling Mum, but OMG.... it was a huge Rottweiller off the leed and heading straight for us! OMG he is about 60 stone and I guess he must have looked ok until the 2nd bus smacked his face....he was pure dead ugly! Hey, for a fat man, he could still run! The big black security man Mac will need to do a bit of work keeping this big Rotti away from me and the Molls.
OMG, he is going straight for ma wee Molls!! OMG.....HELP!! Mum cant do anyfin, cos she is holding us tite so that we dont eescape, we're trapped!! HELP!! Oh no, Molls has peed herself. Hey big black Man Mac what you gonna do, before this dug kills ma Molls? The Big Man Mac, went up on his hind legs...OMG he's a giant like that, he came straight down on the back of the Rotti, and the Rotti ran for his life....hey, well done big man, that was real cool. Way to go, big Mac!! Hang on wait a minute, the Molls just kissed big Mac for saving her. What is that all about!! The big black man Mac, is trying to steal ma beetch!!
The Rotti is back, he could be armed with a knive or somefin now and I have left my stash under my bed at home!! OMG, here he comes again. Hey Man, this time he's going for the big black man Mac. I must show the Molls how tuff I am, maybe I will get more than a kiss!! Just as the Rotti went to attack Mac, I jumped in between them and showed the Rotti my pearlee whites!! I told him to get lost ..........!!! No one will attack my Molls, or the big black Man.... Big Daddy!
Hey that worked... he ran away again!! I just got my first kiss from the Molls! I think I have died and gone to heaven! No tongues mind, but she is probably saving that for later! What the ......!! The big Black Man has just kissed me too, yuck....get yersel to ........!!
Oh, eh... I have just realised why the Rotti ran away, Denzil ran up to him to distract him and he chased Denzil instead. Denzil is now perched ontop of a really high fence, putting two fingers up at the Rotti!! Oh well, who cares, I still got my first kiss from the Molls.
Hey this family business is quite cool, I think I'll need to re-think my plan to escape!
Big Presley the King, signing off....Taking Care of Business....esp with the Molls!! x
Wednesday 17 October 2007
Mollee chases Denzil
Mum decided to take us for a walk today, but wee had udder plans, this was our BIG chance to eescape her clutches!! She put new namby pamby collars on us, then came the namby pamby coats, if all that wasnt bad enough, she then put a chastitee tipe belt thing on Mollee! That was so funnee! Oh no wait a minit, Mum is putting one on mee two. OMG, I hope I dont meet anyone that knows me!! Mum reellee is a nutjob, its no even halloweens and she has dressed mee and the Molls like a rite pare of ..........!! Mum then attached leads to these belt fings, apparently the proper name for these belts is harness, but I ken what they reelee are!!
Hey wait a minute, the udder dog is coming wiff us, the big black guy Mac!! He must be security or somefin for me, the King, to keep all the beetches off me!! What the ......, the cat is coming too, is this a familee day out to look at my poo or something! Weerdos!! Well, I'm not going to give them the satisfaction of doin anyfn, so they are on to plums!! Actually, I shouldnt mention plums, that's a sore point wiff me!!
Mollee wont walk properplee cos the cat iz walking behind us. It turns out its Mum's cat Denzil. Well all witches have cats dont they! When we got really far from the prizon, the stoopid cat ran ahead of us, and me and Mollee went nuts! Mollee was so funny, she jumped up and down, like she was playing 'leep frog' on her own! Nexx fing shes freed herself from the chastity belt and she is off......!!! Way to Go Mollee!! Oh no, she's chasing Mums cat and Mum is mad wiff her. This is brilliant.....Go Mollee Go, Go Mollee Go, Go Mollee Go!! I havent laffed so much since I chooed frew the Vets stethoscope!
Mollee finks she is in the Grand National or somefin, she is jumping over all the fences, frew everyones' gerdins chasing Denzil. Fantastic!! Oh no Mum has started that screeming fing again! The big black man Mac, is barking mad at Mollee, and he wont shut up!! OMG all the nayburs are out, looking a me in a chastity belt!!! This is so hoomilliating!! Next fing a wumin appears and holds me and Mac, while Mum starts running...... why haz Mum joined the chase? Denzil is hiding under a car that is parked in a driveway, and Molls is trying to squeeze under the car two. What the ...., Mum is lying down on the driveway two, probably having a rest after her run. Oh No, she's got Molls by the collar......ooops take cover!!
Mum brot Molls back, mee and Molls are laffin so hard, but Mum, looks like she has just done 10 rounds with Mike Dyson!! Mum brushed herself down and fanked the wumin for holding mee and Mac. Me and Molls kept laffin, but the big black man Mac, didnt find it funny and next fing he decked us!! He is reellee strong, mee and Molls looked reellee stoopid lying in a heep wiff big Mac on top of us. He was growling, so I guess he's not too pleesed wiff us. I didnt realise that Denzil was his best friend. He is such a nut job of a dog. Whoever heard of a Greyhound bean friends wiff a cat, he is really confoosed, he doesnt even know if he is Arthur or Martha!!
Mee and the Molls are in the dog house for the antics on the walk, Mum really needs to get a life!! It was no big deel, Molls let Denzil win the race anyway, cos she could have caught the cat if she really wanted to, she was onlee playing. I dont know why Molls didnt take the opportunity to eescape, I guess she didnt want to go without me, see, she really does fancee mee!
Back to the drawing board for an udder eescape plan. Big Presley has left the building....Taking Care of Business! x
Hey wait a minute, the udder dog is coming wiff us, the big black guy Mac!! He must be security or somefin for me, the King, to keep all the beetches off me!! What the ......, the cat is coming too, is this a familee day out to look at my poo or something! Weerdos!! Well, I'm not going to give them the satisfaction of doin anyfn, so they are on to plums!! Actually, I shouldnt mention plums, that's a sore point wiff me!!
Mollee wont walk properplee cos the cat iz walking behind us. It turns out its Mum's cat Denzil. Well all witches have cats dont they! When we got really far from the prizon, the stoopid cat ran ahead of us, and me and Mollee went nuts! Mollee was so funny, she jumped up and down, like she was playing 'leep frog' on her own! Nexx fing shes freed herself from the chastity belt and she is off......!!! Way to Go Mollee!! Oh no, she's chasing Mums cat and Mum is mad wiff her. This is brilliant.....Go Mollee Go, Go Mollee Go, Go Mollee Go!! I havent laffed so much since I chooed frew the Vets stethoscope!
Mollee finks she is in the Grand National or somefin, she is jumping over all the fences, frew everyones' gerdins chasing Denzil. Fantastic!! Oh no Mum has started that screeming fing again! The big black man Mac, is barking mad at Mollee, and he wont shut up!! OMG all the nayburs are out, looking a me in a chastity belt!!! This is so hoomilliating!! Next fing a wumin appears and holds me and Mac, while Mum starts running...... why haz Mum joined the chase? Denzil is hiding under a car that is parked in a driveway, and Molls is trying to squeeze under the car two. What the ...., Mum is lying down on the driveway two, probably having a rest after her run. Oh No, she's got Molls by the collar......ooops take cover!!
Mum brot Molls back, mee and Molls are laffin so hard, but Mum, looks like she has just done 10 rounds with Mike Dyson!! Mum brushed herself down and fanked the wumin for holding mee and Mac. Me and Molls kept laffin, but the big black man Mac, didnt find it funny and next fing he decked us!! He is reellee strong, mee and Molls looked reellee stoopid lying in a heep wiff big Mac on top of us. He was growling, so I guess he's not too pleesed wiff us. I didnt realise that Denzil was his best friend. He is such a nut job of a dog. Whoever heard of a Greyhound bean friends wiff a cat, he is really confoosed, he doesnt even know if he is Arthur or Martha!!
Mee and the Molls are in the dog house for the antics on the walk, Mum really needs to get a life!! It was no big deel, Molls let Denzil win the race anyway, cos she could have caught the cat if she really wanted to, she was onlee playing. I dont know why Molls didnt take the opportunity to eescape, I guess she didnt want to go without me, see, she really does fancee mee!
Back to the drawing board for an udder eescape plan. Big Presley has left the building....Taking Care of Business! x
Tuesday 16 October 2007
My Fillosofee of Life
Mollee, pretty Mollee....oh Mollee, where are you....?? OMG, I have been looking for my sweethart everywhere, I guess she doesnt want to play leep frog just now, oh well, guess I should rite ma blog instead.
I thought I should share my Words of Wisdom wiff ewe, this is my Fillosofee of Life. You will realise just how intelligent az am and why they call me the Lurcher with 2 many brains! Hey, I have brains, (2 in total), cos I'm far two intelligent to only have one brain, I am exceptionally handsum or pawsum and I am a reel hit with the beetches....just ask ma Mollee!! I dont want to divulge all my secrets, but the following basic steps are a guide to ma way of finking!
1. If it looks like food take it, choo it and eet it.
2. If ewer Mum is acktin like food, she must be food. See No. 1
3. If it looks like it might be fun, its ewers. Carry it around and choo it.
4. If an udder pet is using it, distract them, then steel whatever it was they had, carry it around and choo it.
5. If it looks brand noo, it probably is, so choo it.
6. Niver act guiltee. Shamelessness is the best defence.
7. If ewe get cot (ewer stoopid), and numbur 6 fails, just act like ewe dont know what the fuss is all about.
8. No Mum should ever bee to bizee to give ewe affection. Once they do, choo them.
9. Almost anything can be a toy, so just have it and choo it.
10. All female dogs love to play at leep frog. Just make sure ewe dont leep on the rong end, as ewe will miss the spot.
11. Always have an eescape plan.
12. Never take the blame for damage, put all the blame on the udder dog.
13. 'Be Quiet' means in doggie language, bark and cry as loud as possible.
14. 'Leave It' is a term of endearment, and really means, help yourself and never let it go.
15. 'Sit' means, jump up and down, while trying to lick Mums face.
16. Before licking Mums face, make sure you have checked to see if the Crown Jewels have grown back in. Best way to check this is to lick the whole area first!
17. If your girlfriend doesnt want to play Leep Frog, rest assured a visitor to the house does, but ewe have to use their leg instead.
18. Mums love to be chooed, especially when they're hands are full. Remember No. 16!
19. If Mum frows a ball or toy, show them how clever you are, pick it up and find a pile of poo to drop it in, then leave it for them to retrieve. They love this game.
20. At every opportunity, steal food or drink from Mum, they dont need it, ewe do.
Last but not least.
21. Niver do what Mum asks, cos they mean the complete opposite. Enjoy life to the fool!!
Big Presley, is leaving the building to Take Care of Business. Back soon xx
I thought I should share my Words of Wisdom wiff ewe, this is my Fillosofee of Life. You will realise just how intelligent az am and why they call me the Lurcher with 2 many brains! Hey, I have brains, (2 in total), cos I'm far two intelligent to only have one brain, I am exceptionally handsum or pawsum and I am a reel hit with the beetches....just ask ma Mollee!! I dont want to divulge all my secrets, but the following basic steps are a guide to ma way of finking!
1. If it looks like food take it, choo it and eet it.
2. If ewer Mum is acktin like food, she must be food. See No. 1
3. If it looks like it might be fun, its ewers. Carry it around and choo it.
4. If an udder pet is using it, distract them, then steel whatever it was they had, carry it around and choo it.
5. If it looks brand noo, it probably is, so choo it.
6. Niver act guiltee. Shamelessness is the best defence.
7. If ewe get cot (ewer stoopid), and numbur 6 fails, just act like ewe dont know what the fuss is all about.
8. No Mum should ever bee to bizee to give ewe affection. Once they do, choo them.
9. Almost anything can be a toy, so just have it and choo it.
10. All female dogs love to play at leep frog. Just make sure ewe dont leep on the rong end, as ewe will miss the spot.
11. Always have an eescape plan.
12. Never take the blame for damage, put all the blame on the udder dog.
13. 'Be Quiet' means in doggie language, bark and cry as loud as possible.
14. 'Leave It' is a term of endearment, and really means, help yourself and never let it go.
15. 'Sit' means, jump up and down, while trying to lick Mums face.
16. Before licking Mums face, make sure you have checked to see if the Crown Jewels have grown back in. Best way to check this is to lick the whole area first!
17. If your girlfriend doesnt want to play Leep Frog, rest assured a visitor to the house does, but ewe have to use their leg instead.
18. Mums love to be chooed, especially when they're hands are full. Remember No. 16!
19. If Mum frows a ball or toy, show them how clever you are, pick it up and find a pile of poo to drop it in, then leave it for them to retrieve. They love this game.
20. At every opportunity, steal food or drink from Mum, they dont need it, ewe do.
Last but not least.
21. Niver do what Mum asks, cos they mean the complete opposite. Enjoy life to the fool!!
Big Presley, is leaving the building to Take Care of Business. Back soon xx
Saturday 13 October 2007
Is the Tackle working?
After my near deaff expereeance yesterday, when I discovered that the Vet had stolen my Crown Jewels, I had to find out if what I was left with still worked. I was a bit stiff when I woke up this morning, you know that feeling!! I had an udder look just to check that they hadnt grown back in overnight, but alas they were still missing! My greatest fear is that the Vet has kept them in a jar in his torture chamber, to show other dogs what will happen to them if they misbehave! Either that, or he plans to sell them on ebay! I must check ebay to make sure they are not being advertised for sale!
I'm not going to let on to Mum that I'm bovered in the slightest, that will really annoy her! I read somewhere that Vets do this to dogs for a numbur of reesons other than being nottee. Allegedly it prevents some sinister diseases (yuck-probably transmitted through licking), it can also calm down a aggressive dog, and the worse thing is a dog can never reeprodoose! That is the saddest thing, because that means there will never be an Air to the Frone. My motto in life is go forth and multiply, espesahlly wiff Mollee!!!
Well stiff or not, here goes to see what still works! Oh ...Molllllllee.....lovely Mollee....where are you....?
Rite, here she is, listen to how I woo, this wee bootee! Right Mollee, ewe stand there, I want to try out a noo game! She really likes this ideer, so I explain in a bit more deetale. Its a bit like leep frog, but I do the leeping and you play the frog! Ok here goes.....Wey Hey, .....Up I go!!
Mollee, is looking pure confoosed, but it will all come clear in a moment! See, I pretended that I couldnt quite 'leep' over her, as though someone had stuck my back paws to the ground with Superglue, and I make out like I'm trying desperately to leep over her! I bet I look cool, like Red Rums' jockey! Get the picture?
Oh no.....Mum has just seen me....!! She is lauffin, but I'm not bovered, cos even if there wont be an air to the Kings Frone, it wont be for the lack of me trying.
Next thing Mum said, Presley why are you jumping on Mollyees face!! Eh......Oh, I'm at the rang end!!! No wonder Mollee looked so confoosed wiff ma game of leep frog!
I think I need to work on my tecknique, so I will try again tomorrow, when I'm not so stiff!!
I'm not going to let on to Mum that I'm bovered in the slightest, that will really annoy her! I read somewhere that Vets do this to dogs for a numbur of reesons other than being nottee. Allegedly it prevents some sinister diseases (yuck-probably transmitted through licking), it can also calm down a aggressive dog, and the worse thing is a dog can never reeprodoose! That is the saddest thing, because that means there will never be an Air to the Frone. My motto in life is go forth and multiply, espesahlly wiff Mollee!!!
Well stiff or not, here goes to see what still works! Oh ...Molllllllee.....lovely Mollee....where are you....?
Rite, here she is, listen to how I woo, this wee bootee! Right Mollee, ewe stand there, I want to try out a noo game! She really likes this ideer, so I explain in a bit more deetale. Its a bit like leep frog, but I do the leeping and you play the frog! Ok here goes.....Wey Hey, .....Up I go!!
Mollee, is looking pure confoosed, but it will all come clear in a moment! See, I pretended that I couldnt quite 'leep' over her, as though someone had stuck my back paws to the ground with Superglue, and I make out like I'm trying desperately to leep over her! I bet I look cool, like Red Rums' jockey! Get the picture?
Oh no.....Mum has just seen me....!! She is lauffin, but I'm not bovered, cos even if there wont be an air to the Kings Frone, it wont be for the lack of me trying.
Next thing Mum said, Presley why are you jumping on Mollyees face!! Eh......Oh, I'm at the rang end!!! No wonder Mollee looked so confoosed wiff ma game of leep frog!
I think I need to work on my tecknique, so I will try again tomorrow, when I'm not so stiff!!
The Crown Jewels have been Stolen!
Mee and Molly had a couple of quiet days, just running about the mud slide, that used to be called a gerdin. So far all we have managed to do, apart from reck the gerdin, is demoliss the kitchen, and chew through every electrical appliance in the house. Last night Mum decided to put big cage like things on our faces, these cages were called muzzles, but whatever they were called ah still looked like Hannibal Lecter. I keep singing Elvis love songs to ma Mollee, but I think she still has trouble wiff her heering. I think she likes me singing 'Love Me Tender' the best.Today was well....different!
Mum took me out on ma own for a run in the car. I thought she was taking me to the park, but she drove straight past the park and took me back to that VET. Mum took me in and she said to him "keep an eye on Presley, because he can be a bit of a handful". The Vet had a rite smug look on his face as he told her not to worry, he could handle me!! Yeah right, well, if he hadnt looked so smug, or been so smart, he would have noticed that I had just chooed rite frew his Stethoscope!Next thing he took off my collar and lead and bundled me into a cage. Thats really good cos when I escape, no one knows who I am. I saw him leave the room, but he had hung my collar and lead on the outside of the crate, so I decided to bring it into my cage. One bite and the collar was in two pieces, excellent, all I have to do now, is chew the lead into a thousand pieces....... Job done!!
He has just realised the error of his ways....lets see how smug this guy is when he tells my Mum what I’ve done. Hey but wait a minute, this guys thinks he is dead funnee, he’s shaved one of my legs!!
Presley....Presley....Presley....yeah what, I’m sleepy, what is it? OMG, I must have fallen asleep, all that chewing must have made me tired.
What the ...........!!!! My bits have been cut off!! Who the ......, did that??? Hey thats not playing the game! I have heard about the Elgin Mar balls being stolen, but whoever heard of Presleys' Marvelous balls being stolen??
Oh right, here is Mum to collect me, I guess she feels right guiltee, cos she has bought me a new collar, lead and a namby pamby coat! I had to wait until she paid the Vet fur doing that to me, I told you she was a sadistic witch! I saw that a couple of dogs waiting to see the Vet were crying, so I told them to shut up otherwise they would get their bits cut off!! I guess they wanted that to happen, cos they cried even more, that was real funnee!
I’ll never be a Father now, but the sooner I get my bits back in good working order the better.........Hey Molly, I’m home!!!
Tomorrow: Molly helps me with my ‘little’ problem!!
Mum took me out on ma own for a run in the car. I thought she was taking me to the park, but she drove straight past the park and took me back to that VET. Mum took me in and she said to him "keep an eye on Presley, because he can be a bit of a handful". The Vet had a rite smug look on his face as he told her not to worry, he could handle me!! Yeah right, well, if he hadnt looked so smug, or been so smart, he would have noticed that I had just chooed rite frew his Stethoscope!Next thing he took off my collar and lead and bundled me into a cage. Thats really good cos when I escape, no one knows who I am. I saw him leave the room, but he had hung my collar and lead on the outside of the crate, so I decided to bring it into my cage. One bite and the collar was in two pieces, excellent, all I have to do now, is chew the lead into a thousand pieces....... Job done!!
He has just realised the error of his ways....lets see how smug this guy is when he tells my Mum what I’ve done. Hey but wait a minute, this guys thinks he is dead funnee, he’s shaved one of my legs!!
Presley....Presley....Presley....yeah what, I’m sleepy, what is it? OMG, I must have fallen asleep, all that chewing must have made me tired.
What the ...........!!!! My bits have been cut off!! Who the ......, did that??? Hey thats not playing the game! I have heard about the Elgin Mar balls being stolen, but whoever heard of Presleys' Marvelous balls being stolen??
Oh right, here is Mum to collect me, I guess she feels right guiltee, cos she has bought me a new collar, lead and a namby pamby coat! I had to wait until she paid the Vet fur doing that to me, I told you she was a sadistic witch! I saw that a couple of dogs waiting to see the Vet were crying, so I told them to shut up otherwise they would get their bits cut off!! I guess they wanted that to happen, cos they cried even more, that was real funnee!
I’ll never be a Father now, but the sooner I get my bits back in good working order the better.........Hey Molly, I’m home!!!
Tomorrow: Molly helps me with my ‘little’ problem!!
Thursday 11 October 2007
Meeting the Vet for the 1st time
Ah fot ah should start todae by updatin ewes on ma storee so far: -
Me and my bruv Aaron, were being held captive by some wumin in Glesga. Wee tried to eescape from day one, diggin holes in the garden, destroying the washing mashine, leeving our prizon cell frew the wall etc,. Then Aaron got taken away, I guess it was for his bad behaviour! The wumin that has captoored us, reckons she is a Foster Mum, so best I just say F....Mum! Wee Molls the pint sized Greyhound is now living wiff me and she is ma noo accomplice in the eescape plans.
Anyway, turns out me and Molls arent the only four legged furree things, bean held captive here. Mum also has a massive dug called Mac and a ....wait for this a CAT! Thats Mum up to 3 dugs....I reckon she must be a 'dug dealer'!! Which makes me even more determined to eescape, I must remember to proteck masell wiff a knive...first opportunity I get.
Mum introdooced us to the CAT. Hiz name wiz Denzil and he pure scratched me rite down the nose....well thats fine, I wont be going near you again, you little good for nothing rug rat!
Hey, we got the purrfect opportoonitee to eescape, Mum furgot to padlock the crate!! Hey, hey Molls we are OOT!! I fot ah wid check behind all the doors in this 'playroom' that the dug dealer calls the kitchen. Its hard work chewing through the wood, but we will get there in the end. Hey presto, we managed to open the doors, but sadly there was another wall at the back of the cupboard. It looked to me like the dug dealer would hold us captive forever, so me and Molls decided that the only thing for it was to a Romeo and Juliet style ending to this sorry mess. I saw a large bottle of somefin, it was gold coloured liquid and we both agreed to drink it. OMG, its fab, we may as well drink the whole lot and be done with it.
Next thing Mum came home, and yes....you got it...she screemed again!! But this time she bundled me and the Moll straight into her car, and drove like a bat out of hell. She took us to some guy who called himself the Vet!
This vet stuck somefin down Mollee froat and next think Molls is bean sick everywhere!! Fantastic! We like to make a mess, and boy did she make a mess!! OMG, no, its my turn now....! Rite, I'm not going to let on I'm bovered about it. So everytime I frew up, ah just looked up at the clock, as if to say...'hey, do I look bothered?' The Vet guy is laffin at me. Right, thats war! If I ever see him again, he is in for so much trouble. You wont believe this, but Mum even had to pay for me and Molls to be sick. I guess shee must be waiting for us to get bigger before she sells us, or worse! Ha ha, it cost her £35, oh yeah and a bottle of cooking oil. Nae Luck, bampot.
Tomorrow's episode:...I did get to meet the guy again who called himself a VET and you wont believe what they did to me!!!
Me and my bruv Aaron, were being held captive by some wumin in Glesga. Wee tried to eescape from day one, diggin holes in the garden, destroying the washing mashine, leeving our prizon cell frew the wall etc,. Then Aaron got taken away, I guess it was for his bad behaviour! The wumin that has captoored us, reckons she is a Foster Mum, so best I just say F....Mum! Wee Molls the pint sized Greyhound is now living wiff me and she is ma noo accomplice in the eescape plans.
Anyway, turns out me and Molls arent the only four legged furree things, bean held captive here. Mum also has a massive dug called Mac and a ....wait for this a CAT! Thats Mum up to 3 dugs....I reckon she must be a 'dug dealer'!! Which makes me even more determined to eescape, I must remember to proteck masell wiff a knive...first opportunity I get.
Mum introdooced us to the CAT. Hiz name wiz Denzil and he pure scratched me rite down the nose....well thats fine, I wont be going near you again, you little good for nothing rug rat!
Hey, we got the purrfect opportoonitee to eescape, Mum furgot to padlock the crate!! Hey, hey Molls we are OOT!! I fot ah wid check behind all the doors in this 'playroom' that the dug dealer calls the kitchen. Its hard work chewing through the wood, but we will get there in the end. Hey presto, we managed to open the doors, but sadly there was another wall at the back of the cupboard. It looked to me like the dug dealer would hold us captive forever, so me and Molls decided that the only thing for it was to a Romeo and Juliet style ending to this sorry mess. I saw a large bottle of somefin, it was gold coloured liquid and we both agreed to drink it. OMG, its fab, we may as well drink the whole lot and be done with it.
Next thing Mum came home, and yes....you got it...she screemed again!! But this time she bundled me and the Moll straight into her car, and drove like a bat out of hell. She took us to some guy who called himself the Vet!
This vet stuck somefin down Mollee froat and next think Molls is bean sick everywhere!! Fantastic! We like to make a mess, and boy did she make a mess!! OMG, no, its my turn now....! Rite, I'm not going to let on I'm bovered about it. So everytime I frew up, ah just looked up at the clock, as if to say...'hey, do I look bothered?' The Vet guy is laffin at me. Right, thats war! If I ever see him again, he is in for so much trouble. You wont believe this, but Mum even had to pay for me and Molls to be sick. I guess shee must be waiting for us to get bigger before she sells us, or worse! Ha ha, it cost her £35, oh yeah and a bottle of cooking oil. Nae Luck, bampot.
Tomorrow's episode:...I did get to meet the guy again who called himself a VET and you wont believe what they did to me!!!
Wednesday 10 October 2007
Meeting Molly for the 1st time
OMG ...Mum is still going on aboot wur tunnel Aaron dug in her so called gerdin!! How can a big piece of grass be called a gerdin, its not like hee pure dug up any flowers or anyfin, and noo if we poo in the garden, no one can see it!! These humans are so ungrateful.
Mum's friend came round today and they were standing in what used to be the gerdin. Aaron and I went out and tried our best to look sorry for ourselves, that really wasnt easy! Next fing Mum said to her friend Lorna, keep an eye on the pups, and she went back into the hoose. Lorna, stood at the gate like a sentry playing with her fone, and I saw our chance to eescape! Aaron and I walked frew her legs and straight frew the bars on the gate!! Hey, hey Freedum!! Mee and Aaron just walked away! We didnt get very far, in fact, it turns oot, wee wur in the front garden, when I heard Mum screem again!! You would think she would do somefin else udder than screem! Withfin seconds, me and Aaron were captoored again! Oh no, back to square one! I dont know when I will get the opportoonitee to eescape again, but I still have the hole in the wall to work on, and I will keep trying.
Mee and Aaron were sitting in our beds, when Mum brot in an udder dog bed! Hey what iz going on here. I guess Cruella managed to captured another dog!! Grate, cos free of us working on the hole in the wall, means we will be out of here in no times!
OMG.....the udder dog has just arrived, and I have fallen in lust! Wot a bootifool beetch she is! Dead posh, and her name is Mollee. I shouted over to her "hey Molls, I'm big Presley fae Glesga". I guess she has trouble heering cos she didnt even look at mee. She just sat in the corner shaking. Maybe, its some sort of mating ritual I dont know about, but boy, am I in for some fun, when I get my paws on her! The next day Mum let us meet Molls close up, but it turned out Molls is just a fur coat and nae knickers tipe, and just cos she is a pure bred Greyhound, she didnt want to be pals wiff me cos she said I'm a mongrel! I'll mongrel her, I'm a Lurcher, I'm the King!!
Later that day, an udder wumin came to our hoose and Mum lifted Aaron out of the crate. What the .... is going on here, she is taking him away. Hey wate wan minit.....what the......!!
Mum said that Aaron had been 'adopted', what does that meen? Aaron needed me, I was his big bruv, I looked out for him. This must be his punishment for diggin the tunnel in the garden. Thats a bit drastic. I shouted fur ages, but no one listened to me, so I poo'd everywhere, that soon got Mums attenshon!! Sadly it didnt bring my little bruv back, and to this day I have never seen him again. Mum said he is very happy and lives wiff a familee neer Glesga, but ah will niver forget the day they took my bruv away. Mum cried when Aaron left, and still regrets it to this day. Told you she was a nutjob, she should never have let him go! So its down to mee and ma Moll, Lady and the Tramp!! Oh well, guess I should cut my losses and get on with my next eescape plan.
Mum's friend came round today and they were standing in what used to be the gerdin. Aaron and I went out and tried our best to look sorry for ourselves, that really wasnt easy! Next fing Mum said to her friend Lorna, keep an eye on the pups, and she went back into the hoose. Lorna, stood at the gate like a sentry playing with her fone, and I saw our chance to eescape! Aaron and I walked frew her legs and straight frew the bars on the gate!! Hey, hey Freedum!! Mee and Aaron just walked away! We didnt get very far, in fact, it turns oot, wee wur in the front garden, when I heard Mum screem again!! You would think she would do somefin else udder than screem! Withfin seconds, me and Aaron were captoored again! Oh no, back to square one! I dont know when I will get the opportoonitee to eescape again, but I still have the hole in the wall to work on, and I will keep trying.
Mee and Aaron were sitting in our beds, when Mum brot in an udder dog bed! Hey what iz going on here. I guess Cruella managed to captured another dog!! Grate, cos free of us working on the hole in the wall, means we will be out of here in no times!
OMG.....the udder dog has just arrived, and I have fallen in lust! Wot a bootifool beetch she is! Dead posh, and her name is Mollee. I shouted over to her "hey Molls, I'm big Presley fae Glesga". I guess she has trouble heering cos she didnt even look at mee. She just sat in the corner shaking. Maybe, its some sort of mating ritual I dont know about, but boy, am I in for some fun, when I get my paws on her! The next day Mum let us meet Molls close up, but it turned out Molls is just a fur coat and nae knickers tipe, and just cos she is a pure bred Greyhound, she didnt want to be pals wiff me cos she said I'm a mongrel! I'll mongrel her, I'm a Lurcher, I'm the King!!
Later that day, an udder wumin came to our hoose and Mum lifted Aaron out of the crate. What the .... is going on here, she is taking him away. Hey wate wan minit.....what the......!!
Mum said that Aaron had been 'adopted', what does that meen? Aaron needed me, I was his big bruv, I looked out for him. This must be his punishment for diggin the tunnel in the garden. Thats a bit drastic. I shouted fur ages, but no one listened to me, so I poo'd everywhere, that soon got Mums attenshon!! Sadly it didnt bring my little bruv back, and to this day I have never seen him again. Mum said he is very happy and lives wiff a familee neer Glesga, but ah will niver forget the day they took my bruv away. Mum cried when Aaron left, and still regrets it to this day. Told you she was a nutjob, she should never have let him go! So its down to mee and ma Moll, Lady and the Tramp!! Oh well, guess I should cut my losses and get on with my next eescape plan.
Tuesday 9 October 2007
Tunnel making for the Great Escape
Ok...so yisterday I told you how ma Mum, had to padlock us into the crate when she went oot. I fot long and hard about wur preedicament and decided that we could still get our freedom if I dug a hole through the wall beside the crate and just hope that it wouldnt be noticed.
It was so eesee to do. I started by clawing at the wall through the bars of the crate and very quickly I had a 'paw hold' on the plasterboard. Soon, I managed to create a hole large enough to get my head frew. Then Mum came home! Fankfoolee she didnt notice the hole in the wall, as Aaron had wet the bed again, and she was in a panic trying to change our blankets, cos the washing machine was leaking for some reason!. Off she went again, padlocking us into the crate, giving me time to make the hole in the wall bigger.
When Mum came back she had a brand new 'marshmallow' type thing for us to sleep on. Hey, me and Aaron really liked this thing, it was soooo comfy! Mum, had fings to do, so I fot I would see what this 'marshmallow' was made of and I ripped a hole in it. Wow....it was fantastic, it was made of clouds of cotton wool, hey thiz wiz the bizness!! Me and Aaron had a ball playing wiff the clouds! Then Mum came in, with a face like a Pit Bull chewing a wasp, oh oh, I noo there was going to be trubell!! I went and sat in the corner of the crate, but not before I covered Aaron in the clouds. I was only trying to hide him, honestly!! for some strange reason, Mum fot that Aaron had pulled all the clouds out of the marshmallow! I dont know wit gave her that eyedeer! Mum said sum wurds that I couldnt repeet hear, but suffice to say Aaron got the blame!!!
Mum pit us out in the gerdin while she cleared up the mess Aaron made...(ha ha Aaron!!). While I was out in the gerdin I had a grate eyedeer. Wees would tunnel oot, or better still, I would get Aaron to dig the tunnel! I had seen this done on the 'Great Eescape', and just noo this would work. I decided to tell Aaron that Mum said it was ok for us to dig the gerdin to help her, and it would make up for the mess he made with the marshmallow thing, so off he went with great gusto diggin for Scotland!! I kept telling him he was a good boy and Mum would be really pleased with his efforts! I gave Aaron a little shovel to help him dig!!
Mum called us back into wur playroom, wiffoot checking how much digging Aaron had done in the gerdin (ungrateful sod), and I noticed she had placed another blanket on the top of the crate. Oh fantastic, Bunk Beds, just like they had in 'Porridge', see, I noo this was a prizon. I baggsied the top bunk and jumped straight up on it. Hey man, this was soooo cool, I loved being high, (or should I say I loved being high up?), anyway, it was brill. I loved this feeling soooo much I decided that from now on, at every opportoonitee, I would jump up on anything higher than me.
OMG.....just heard Mum screem!! Take cover Aaron, I guess she has discovered the tunnel you dug in the gerdin!
It was so eesee to do. I started by clawing at the wall through the bars of the crate and very quickly I had a 'paw hold' on the plasterboard. Soon, I managed to create a hole large enough to get my head frew. Then Mum came home! Fankfoolee she didnt notice the hole in the wall, as Aaron had wet the bed again, and she was in a panic trying to change our blankets, cos the washing machine was leaking for some reason!. Off she went again, padlocking us into the crate, giving me time to make the hole in the wall bigger.
When Mum came back she had a brand new 'marshmallow' type thing for us to sleep on. Hey, me and Aaron really liked this thing, it was soooo comfy! Mum, had fings to do, so I fot I would see what this 'marshmallow' was made of and I ripped a hole in it. Wow....it was fantastic, it was made of clouds of cotton wool, hey thiz wiz the bizness!! Me and Aaron had a ball playing wiff the clouds! Then Mum came in, with a face like a Pit Bull chewing a wasp, oh oh, I noo there was going to be trubell!! I went and sat in the corner of the crate, but not before I covered Aaron in the clouds. I was only trying to hide him, honestly!! for some strange reason, Mum fot that Aaron had pulled all the clouds out of the marshmallow! I dont know wit gave her that eyedeer! Mum said sum wurds that I couldnt repeet hear, but suffice to say Aaron got the blame!!!
Mum pit us out in the gerdin while she cleared up the mess Aaron made...(ha ha Aaron!!). While I was out in the gerdin I had a grate eyedeer. Wees would tunnel oot, or better still, I would get Aaron to dig the tunnel! I had seen this done on the 'Great Eescape', and just noo this would work. I decided to tell Aaron that Mum said it was ok for us to dig the gerdin to help her, and it would make up for the mess he made with the marshmallow thing, so off he went with great gusto diggin for Scotland!! I kept telling him he was a good boy and Mum would be really pleased with his efforts! I gave Aaron a little shovel to help him dig!!
Mum called us back into wur playroom, wiffoot checking how much digging Aaron had done in the gerdin (ungrateful sod), and I noticed she had placed another blanket on the top of the crate. Oh fantastic, Bunk Beds, just like they had in 'Porridge', see, I noo this was a prizon. I baggsied the top bunk and jumped straight up on it. Hey man, this was soooo cool, I loved being high, (or should I say I loved being high up?), anyway, it was brill. I loved this feeling soooo much I decided that from now on, at every opportoonitee, I would jump up on anything higher than me.
OMG.....just heard Mum screem!! Take cover Aaron, I guess she has discovered the tunnel you dug in the gerdin!
Monday 8 October 2007
Az is Houdini
Ok,...so I guess this is where the story begins...mee, Presley the King, and my little bruv Aaron, living with wur Mum in Glasgow. I wondered how long it would take us to train hur into dane eggsactlee wit we wanted hur tae dae. Aaron reallee liked the playroom we lived in and the gerdin that looked like Colditz, so he wiznae up for bean bad, so it was down to me, the King, to do as much damage as possible, in the hope that me and Aaron could eescape and be free again!
The first fing I had to do was get sum tools for the eescape. That was so easy, cos our playroom turned out to be called a kitchen and there was plenty of things that we could use in our attempt to eescape! Being a Lurcher meant that within no time ma legs wur rite long and ah could reech the kitchen units and pull down anyfin that I fot we could use. I clocked a couple of knives, so that was the first fing I grabbed. Like you see in all good 'eescape' movies, I had to hide the knives under ma bed!
Our Mums gerdin was reallee nice, so we preferred to do the toylet in the playroom, but Aaron fot it would be cool to do the toylet in bed! Doh....thats how Mum discovered the knives!!
Wees were only in Mums hoose a foo days, when she came home wiff a massive crate and she put Aaron and me in it when she went out! What wiz that all about, I only borrowed a couple of knives, its not like I stole all the cutleree!
Next plan was how to eescape from the crate.....eesee peesee for a brite spark like me. I waited until F...Mum, went out and simplee lifted the crate door open wiff ma nose and pushed it wiff my paw. What a half wit ma Mum iz...finkin that a little thing like a crate would stop me.
Problem was, Aaron was a woose and wouldnt follow me, but I had eescaped! I had a look around the playroom for more knives, but couldnt find any, then I spotted a funny looking thing and decided to investigate. It had a round glass door on it, but I wanted to see if it was an escape route, so I managed to chew the handle off it and look inside. Inside was just like a big mouse wheel, so I decided just to chew all the rubber bits inside, to see if there were any mice inside.
When Mum came home, the look on hur face was pure dead brilliant, she should have got an Oscar for it, when she seen me ootside the crate and Aaron still inside it!! Once she picked her jaw back off the ground, I found out that the 'mouse wheel with the glass door' was something called a 'washing machine'.
Can you believe whit ma Mum did next....she pure padlocked me in the crate! No Way Man!! I'm no Houndini, but I wont give up and I didnt. Tomorrow I will tell you what my next plan of eescape was!
Chow for now.....Taking Care of Business.....Big Presley the King x
The first fing I had to do was get sum tools for the eescape. That was so easy, cos our playroom turned out to be called a kitchen and there was plenty of things that we could use in our attempt to eescape! Being a Lurcher meant that within no time ma legs wur rite long and ah could reech the kitchen units and pull down anyfin that I fot we could use. I clocked a couple of knives, so that was the first fing I grabbed. Like you see in all good 'eescape' movies, I had to hide the knives under ma bed!
Our Mums gerdin was reallee nice, so we preferred to do the toylet in the playroom, but Aaron fot it would be cool to do the toylet in bed! Doh....thats how Mum discovered the knives!!
Wees were only in Mums hoose a foo days, when she came home wiff a massive crate and she put Aaron and me in it when she went out! What wiz that all about, I only borrowed a couple of knives, its not like I stole all the cutleree!
Next plan was how to eescape from the crate.....eesee peesee for a brite spark like me. I waited until F...Mum, went out and simplee lifted the crate door open wiff ma nose and pushed it wiff my paw. What a half wit ma Mum iz...finkin that a little thing like a crate would stop me.
Problem was, Aaron was a woose and wouldnt follow me, but I had eescaped! I had a look around the playroom for more knives, but couldnt find any, then I spotted a funny looking thing and decided to investigate. It had a round glass door on it, but I wanted to see if it was an escape route, so I managed to chew the handle off it and look inside. Inside was just like a big mouse wheel, so I decided just to chew all the rubber bits inside, to see if there were any mice inside.
When Mum came home, the look on hur face was pure dead brilliant, she should have got an Oscar for it, when she seen me ootside the crate and Aaron still inside it!! Once she picked her jaw back off the ground, I found out that the 'mouse wheel with the glass door' was something called a 'washing machine'.
Can you believe whit ma Mum did next....she pure padlocked me in the crate! No Way Man!! I'm no Houndini, but I wont give up and I didnt. Tomorrow I will tell you what my next plan of eescape was!
Chow for now.....Taking Care of Business.....Big Presley the King x
Sunday 7 October 2007
Day One of the Blogging experience
Hey this is real cool, doing this blogging thing. Ah fot ah should start bye tellin ewe a bit about masell, cos my hooman Mum and Dad dont reelee ken mee, so ewe need to know the troof.
I live with ma numbur wan beetch Mollee, ma furry dad Mac, 4 'half' brothers and sisters, and..., there are two cats in this house who are no relation whatsoever to me! Am in ma teens, the prime of my life, so dont let anyone tell you I am only 2.5 yrs old.
Ah wiz born somewhere in the Edinburger area, and after watching the movie 'The Great Escape', mee and ma bruver decided tae do the same an eescape. Wee's wur only about 10 weeks old when we escaped frum wur furst owner. Well, lets face it, who in their rite mind wid want to breed a Greyhound with a Collie? My bruv and I survived in the streets of Edinburger for nearlee a weak, when some 'do gooder' picked us up and took us to a Vet. A Vet thats troo, an there was nothing rang wiff us that a good bath wouldnt fix.
I live with ma numbur wan beetch Mollee, ma furry dad Mac, 4 'half' brothers and sisters, and..., there are two cats in this house who are no relation whatsoever to me! Am in ma teens, the prime of my life, so dont let anyone tell you I am only 2.5 yrs old.
Ah wiz born somewhere in the Edinburger area, and after watching the movie 'The Great Escape', mee and ma bruver decided tae do the same an eescape. Wee's wur only about 10 weeks old when we escaped frum wur furst owner. Well, lets face it, who in their rite mind wid want to breed a Greyhound with a Collie? My bruv and I survived in the streets of Edinburger for nearlee a weak, when some 'do gooder' picked us up and took us to a Vet. A Vet thats troo, an there was nothing rang wiff us that a good bath wouldnt fix.
This is me and my bruv at the Vets after being captoored. Am at the front an the woose is at the back.
Next thing we knew we were being lifted into some bampots car and taken to Glesga. On the journey to Glesga I managed to choo everything in site, everything that is, except the toys that shee gave us to play with. Wees had niver been in a car before, and my little bruv was afraid, so hee let his bowels empty, that was really funnee!
When we arrived in Glesga, the bampot took us into her hoose, it wiznae very big, but it was real smart and tidy. I ran straight into the room with the giant marshmallow, I jumped up on it and pee'd everywhere. That was even funnier than my bruv doing a poo in the car! The bampot didnt looked too pleased and told me that the giant marshmallow was her bed!
She picked me up and put me and my bruv straight out into the gerdin! There was a big high fence all round this garden, it looked like Colditz, so I told my bruv that we would have to fink of ways to escape the clutches of this bampot too.
Me and my bruv were really tired so we went into the big enormous playroom, which I later found out was the Kitchen, and we lay down to sleep. Yeah right...the bampot came in and told us that she was our Foster Mum, well I think she said foster, it started with an 'F'. She said that my little bruv was going to be called Aaron! Ha Ha nae luck you woose, what type of a name is that? Then she looked and mee and said and you will be called Presley! What type of name is that??? I wanted to be called Rocky or Killer or somefin real cool and shee called me Presley! A right namby pamby name! Then she said I was called after the King! Ok, so things were starting to look up, and so it was, that mee, big Presley the King and my bruv, little Aaron, started our life with our noo Mum in Glesga.
Saturday 6 October 2007
OMG, they gave me a blog.
Ma Mum recentlee started hur own blog, and noo she's goin tae let mee loose on the wurld wide web. I think it's a bit of a nonsense really, when it comes down to it all I really want is a bigger chew, a bigger bed and more dinner, oh, and that coke bottle dad put just out of my reach on the kitchen counter.
Ma dad says the first post should be an introduckshon, tae tell the reeders somefin about mee, ah told him all they really needed to know was that az am Presley the King, am a Greyhound cross Collie.
Welcome to my world.
Ma dad says the first post should be an introduckshon, tae tell the reeders somefin about mee, ah told him all they really needed to know was that az am Presley the King, am a Greyhound cross Collie.
Welcome to my world.
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