Hullo all ewes oot there
This is what a fink wee will bee doing on Kissmass Day.
04.30am Ma Dad will get up - no beecos HE is Santa Paws, but cos he will go tae work. Mee and Mollee will spends sum time in the exercise yard looking fur yellow snow cos this may bee eveedense of Rane Dears!
Noo if we find eveedense, ah will shout at the top of ma voice 'SANTA PAWS HAS BEAN'!!
This serves no purrpuss, udder than to annoy the nayburs kids - cos Santa Paws may not have bean to there hoose by that time.
06.30am Ma Mum will get up and the big dogs (Mac, Roobee, Wizzee and Bazil) will go and look fur eveedense of Rane Dears - but they will no find any cos, wee will have looked first and hid all eveedense!!
08.30am Wee will be moved from the Turd Cell to the Living Rooms to watch Lassee on tellys - Mollee always like a good cry on Kissmass Day.
15:00 This is when ah doo ma Kissmass speesh, and ah fank everybuddee fur a rite nice yeer. Ah also remembers all those who has a horreebell ehnnus. Thats latin fur sore back bottom. Wee sumtimes goes to the park, but am no sure if wee's will, cos ma Mum mite be called oot tae work.
20:00 Dad will come home tae see his Turkee - Mollee says am no aloud tae call Mum that, but that is the troof, and ah always tells ewe the troof. Last Kissmass mum and dad had a joint fur there kissmass, so ah will need to check and see if there is tin foil fur them tae use!
21:00 Mee and Mollee will get wur Kissmass dinner. Ah fink wee are havin, Deed Prawns followed by, mare Deed Fish and Rice wiff Phillips Steak, followed by a little sweet tart - (oh Mollee, where are ewe?).
Frew out the day, ah will see how many of ma Mum and Dads noo Kissmass presents that ah can choo - ah likes to do that, cos they pool rite funnee faces when they see's wit ah have dun.
22:00 Mee and Mollee will go back tae the turd cell and go tae wur beds - lites on. Eye, ewes fot ah wiz goin tae say lites off, but fing is this, fur punishment they leafs a little lite on, so that mee and Mollee cannee sleeps.
That is what mee and Mollee will bee doin on Kissmass day - cool eh?.
So ah hopes ewe all has a rite nice time toomorrow and ah hopes Santa Paws brings ewe all the fings that ewes dont need.
Pee Ess, Wee is playing a trick on Wizzee and wee have no telt him that its Kissmass - he finks its just an udder day at the Lan Ark open prizon. Noo wate wan minit befour ewes fink wee is reel bad. Cos fing is, last Kissmass wee had tae call oot the vet fur Wizzee, so wee dont want him too have nite mares remembering that. So, no noo collar or present frum Santa Paws fur him!!!.
Love fae Big Presley tae all ma beetches - have a rite nice Kissmass.

Socklng Storee!

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah hopes ewes is looking forward to Santa Paws coming, cos mee and Mollee are. Ah sent ma list to him a foo weeks ago - ewes need to get in errlee, udder wise he will run oot of fings.

Anyways ah will tell ewe a socking storee and ah swear this is the troof. Last Sundae mee and Mollee and ma Mum and Dad wur dressed up like turkee's fur Kissmass in wur Santa Paws Soots and wee's went tae Princess Street in Edinburger fur tae colleck monee's fur all the Greyhounds at Royal Heart Greyhound Rescoo.

Noo fing is this, all the Pawperattsee were oot in their hunners taking picktoors of mee, ah wiz pure mobbed by all ma fannee's, so that wiz cool. But then SOCK!! Ewes will no beeleeve this, but nexx fing ah pure see's an udder black dog who wiz dressed sames as mee!! Eye that is troo, there is pure a King Presley IMPAWSTER on the loose in Edinburger.

He wiz standing in the shop window of ma Mums favorite shop Jenners looking oot at mee, wissing he wiz mee!!

Ah says 'hey, ewe is an impawster of mee', and he pure just stared back at mee.

So ah pure shouted at him and telt him to get himsell tae F....... (Faraway that is). Ewes will no beeleeve wit he did, he pure shouted back at me, telling me tae get masell tae Faraway in the same shout as ah do!

Antee Jennifurs and ma Mum pure laffed at this, but this wiz no funnee, coz this impawster cood move in on ma No.1 Beetches saying hee wiz mee when he wiznae mee.

This picktoor shows ewe mee pure looking at him standing in Jenners window. Ma Mollee says it wiz ma refleckshon, but ah dont want a refleckshon impersonating mee.

Pee Ess, Pleese do not give monee to this impawster or tell him witch buzz to take to see ma Feeonsee and Love Child. Fank Ewe. xx

Deer Rag ma Feeonsee

See mee ah pure loves Kissmass, sept fur one fing, i'll no bee wiff ma Feeonsee Rag. So ah have rit a song fur hur. If ewes wid like tae sing along, ewe should sing ma wurds to the song
Kissmass Wiff Out Ewe by Dollee Parton and Kenny Rodgers

Kissmass wiff out ewe
S...te kissmass and am bloo
Like a greyhound needing the loo
Kissmass wiff out ewe

The fireplace keeps burning and ma fotts keep turning
The pages of ma memorees of time spent wiff ewe
Old kssmass snogs we knew, and bent polleese too
Make it hard to get used to, Kissmass wiff out ewe

Kissmass wiff out ewe
S....te kissmass and am bloo
I love ewe, I miss ewe
So sad but troo

Kissmass wiff out ewe
Like a horse wiff no shoes
Like ma Mum wiff no booze
Kissmass wiff oot ewe

Love frum big Presley the King xxx

ASBO at last!!

Hullo all ewes oot there,
Grate Noo's, at last ma Mum and Dad have had an ASBO slapped on thems in public fur bean BAD peepells. Ah swear this is the troof!!!. Mollee is reel upsets, but see mee, ah fink its cool!!
See fing is this, ma Mum let mee use the compootur again, and ah wiz pure postin fings on a charratee forum, fur tae cheer peepells up and tells thems how a dog finks - rite, then ma Dad puts on a videeoh, of mee and Mollee in wur Santa Paws geer. Nexx fing sum 'Richard' (also kent as Dick), comes on and says she finks it looks two RUFF, and hoped that mee and Mollee did not suss-tane seerioss In-jew-rees!! Noo fing is, this 'Richard', does not post mutch on this forum, so ah finks, this is a pure 'Richard' posting!! She pure kens nuffin aboot mee and Mollee! Noo fing is this.... see if wee's wur a danger too eeach udder or two sumone else, ma Mum wid bee pure upset, but see mee, am no scaree, udder wise ah wid no have Big Mac, and Ikea as boddee guards. So ah has bean tryin to consoll ma Mollee and ah says ah will pure bite Richard nexx time ah see's hur fur tryin tae give mee and ma Mollee ah complexshon.
Ah does not like peepells who do fings like that and ah will no let ma Mollee feel bad.
Am no bovered wit peepells finks of mee - cos am the King - but no tae upset ma Mollee.
So, tae that 'Richard' who posted that doggee poo (udder wise known as CRAP), why dont ewe go away and get a life, or come an watch Mollee reelee given mee a tankin! Ah fink the wumin who posted on that forum said wee's were RUFF cos she wiz lookin in the MIRROR an no watchin ma Videeoh!
Love tae all ma fannee's frum Big Presley the King xxxxxxx.

Who go's, you decide??

Hullo all ewes oot there,
Ewes will no beleeve wits happined. See how am always pure blamed fur bean a bad boy, well fing is am no the only bad boy that lives hear at Lan Ark Open Prizon.
Ah will tell ewes wit happined.
Sum of ewes will ken that Sixee Lixee (wur old cat) pure went an broke ma Mums noo eggspensive lamp. Ma Mum wiz neerlee cryin cos she only bott it aboot free weeks ago and she reel liked it, but she felt guiltee aboot how mutch monee she spent on it and even that wiz half price in a Sail. Thats troo.
Rite. Then at the sames times as she bott the noo lamp, she bott a huge big side bored for wur dinner eeting room. Noo ah kens wee dont have a dinner eeting room, wur dinner eetin room is where ma compootur is, but ma Mum is changing it back to an eetin room. So anyways, the room wid look rite sillee wiff only a table and chairs in it, so that is why she bott the side bored fingy to put hur bits in. Its oot in wur hall at the moment and nexx fing ah pure hears hur screeming (again!). Wur udder cats Stanlee and Hilda wiz sittin on the top of it and had pure scratched all the top. That set ma Mum off again, neerlee crying.
So ma Mum pure went oot fur a walk to stop hursell frum crying, but fing is, she only went and leff big Mac in the living rooms himsell. Noo Mac likes tae bee on his own, but only if wee are all there! So he pure panicked himsell, finking he had bean leff, and looked fur a way to escapes. He jumped up on ma Mums table - the solid oak wan shee bott last yeer - and he pure scratched all the surface reel deep, so it cannee bee fixed.
Noo at no times, did ah ever here hur sayin 'ewes is bad Mac' or 'ewes is a bad girl Six'.
But nexx fing is a chooed wan plastick pen, broke two glasses and chooed the remote control fing. And all hell broke loose, ah swear tae masell that is the troof. An the hole of Souff Lan Ark Shire pure herd ma Mum tellin me a wiz a bad boy!
So fing is there is no a fing left in this prizon that hasnae bean damage by wan of the dugs or the cats. Oh eye, ah forgot aboot the noo leather bed - that is pure scratched tae smiterines too.
But all ah wants tae ken is how come its always mee who pure gets into trubbles and no thems?
So ah fink ah should ask all ma fans the buring question. Who should go??
Who pure did the most damage? Mee, the cats or the udder inmates.
Pleese put ewer ansurs on a postcard and send them to mees at Lan Ark open prizon.
Pee Ess, ma name shood not be on the card, udder than the address bit.
Fank ewe
Love fae Presley xxx

I'm back!

Hullo all ewes, Its mee hear big Presley,
Am rite sorree ah have no bin on ma compootur to talk tae all ma fanns, but see fing is, ah have bin doin a deegree. Yip, that is troo, ah swears tae masell. Ah have bin doing a deegree in the studdee of Bools. See wee had bools in the feeld nexx to us and ah fot that it wid bee a rite good oppertoonity tae studee them. Even Mollee will tells ewes ah am a master at talking bool!

Lots of udder fings have happined tae mee, ah have bin postin on ma Antee Rachels forum, witch is called Royal Heart Greyhound Rescoo, oh eye, and ah have bin in the 'cooler' at Lan Ark Open Prizon fur bean a bad boy. At telt every won aboot mee bean a bad boy and ah even shared ma prayer wiff thems. See fing is ma Mum got oot a measureing tape and pure worked oot how big ah wiz. Noo fur those that ken wit ma Mum does fur a living, that is no a nice fing to do tae me.
This is ma prayer - its called the Kings Prayer

Deer Fathur, am no sure who thou are
Lurcher bee thy name
Thy King has come
for what I have done
Give us wur dinner, and some daily bread
And forgive mee for bean heartless
As ah have forgiven udders who are heartless
Leed mee not into temptashon (again)
But deliver me from evil
For thy is the King, I have the power
While Mollee gets all the glory
Forever and ever
Adug.

Noo ewes can use ma prayer if ewe is in need of a little deevine intervenshon.
Ah will rite more toomorrows and tell ewes an udder storee.
Love fae Big Presley the King xx