Wit pig geed everyone the floo?

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee hear, big Presley. Noo, pleese disnae worree, its no mee and Mollee that has the pig floo. Wee is fine fanks, so ewes is no two worree. See sum of ewes fot that it must bee mee and Mollee that cot the pig floo cos ah havenae been around fur a while, but wees havenae bean tae Mexeeco. Well see fing is, ah have bin reelee bizzee wiff fings. Ah have dun so mutch, as disnae even ken where tae start, so ah will start wiff the most eggsiteting fing. Ah have a noo back pack fur ma holeedays. Its cool it haz Cheekee Monkee on it and it haz a seekret compartment fur ma Speedos. Mee and Mollee also got noo toys. Mollee got a poosee cat fing and ah got a dragon. So noo wee have two dragons hear, one fur mee and one fur ma Dad. Ah wiz rite pleesed tae see the old coolers bean knocked doon hear at the open prizon, so no more cooler fur mee!!! Well, one cooler has bean knocked doon but the udder one is still there and cannee bee knocked doon yet, coz sum burd has built a nest in it and ma Mum diznae want them pure disturbed. The good fing is, that wee's are getting wur very own swimmin pool in the gardin. Ah swears tae masell that is the troof. But ah herd ma Dad saying that he cannee wate until he's gets his crap in it. Eye, honest, that is wit he said. So ah fink ah will need sum doggells to proteck ma eyes befour ah go swimmin in wur noo pool. Ah will let ewes ken when wee gets wur swimmin pool and all the pure babes can come over tae mine fur sum skinnee dippin, but no collars pleese, onlee noodees aloud, so ewes dont get crap on ewer collar!
Noo, ah am reelee worreed that wees will have a pandemick in Lan Ark, coz fing iz, if there is a pandemick, ma Mum is no aloud tae work. Eye thats the troof, coz the Prime Priest (mollee says hee is called the prime minister, but am no soor), says that they will have tae creemate hoomans at ma Mums work, if there is a pandemick. Yuck. Noo if shee cannee work, mee an mollee will no bee ables to go on wur holeedaes, coz ma Mum will no have monee tae pay fur it.
So pleese rememburs no tae shake hands or paws wiff anybodee and tae wear a Michale Jacksun face mask, tae keep the pig floo away. Ah just hopes it wiznae ma pal Dora the pig who pure spread the floo, cos ah wiz speekin tae hur the udder day frew the fence.
Rite am away noo, tae blow ma nose, and cleen ma bits, just in case. Speek soon.
Love fae big Presley xxxxxxxxxx

Vooer deescreshon advised!

Hullo all ewes oot there, how are ewes today? Noo fing is, ah am reelee trommatised, and ah have had nitemares. This is a troo storee. See wit happined wiz this, yisterday wiz a reel nice hot day here at the open prizon and wees wur aloud oot in the exersise yard fur pure ages. Ma Mum and Dad wiz dane sum gardening, thats where they pool oot all the flowers and leeve all the weeds. Thats coz they diznae ken a flower frum a weed. Anyways, nexx fing wiz that ma Mum says 'ah have pure dun eenuff gardening and am away tae pit on ma summer clothes'. Well nexx fing wiz, shee pure appeered in the exersise yard in a tea shirt and white shorts!! Ah swears tae masell that is the troof. How gross is that? Yuck!! Niver in the hole of ma life have ah ever seen legs as white as that. Well once ah seen a turkee wiff legs like that. Mollee pure laffed, but ah couldnae beeleeve wit ah wiz seen and thats why ah have bin trommatised ever since and when ewes see the picktoors ah finks ewe will agree. Ah fink ah will start a campane, fur tae tell ma Mum tae keep they legs under cover fur the next 40 yeers.

Sum vooers may find these picktoors dissturbin, so caushon is advised.

OMG check oot the nick of those legs!!

The only wan the wiznae trommatised wiz Wizzard coz hee cannee see, so Ruby pit the glasses on coz she couldnae see either and felt betturs rite away.

Ma Mum dressin like that wiz pure torture for uz and ah fink that wee need tae rename wur prizon frum the Lan Ark open prizon, tae Guantanomo Bay, cos they are into torture too.

Ah will need tae go back and see ma sikyatrist noo tae get over ma trommar.

Love fae Big Presley The King xxx

Campin on the Motorways

Hullo all ewes oot there in sybee land, how are ewes all todays? Fank ewes very mutch for all the eemales ewes have sent mee fur Charlee tae say 'pleese do not self harm', ah fink it worked coz ah havenae seen hur pool hur fur oot for aboot two days noo.
Diz ewe rememburs that ah telt ewes aboot the time ma Mum wiz doon in Engerland wiff hur work and a caravan pure went on the wacky races wiff the car that wiz ment to bee towing it? Well ewes will no beeleeve wit am aboot tae tell ewes this time, but ah swear its the troof. A foo days ago ma Dad went tae Engerland fur tae help ma Mum wiff work and rite at the same place as the caravan wiz crashed wiz peepells campin on the motorways. Honest that is the troof. See wit happined wiz this. Ma Dad wiz drivin up the motorways and nexx fing he see's is the car in front of him pure breakin. Ma Dad slowed rite down and seen that peepells up ahead had a roof rack fing that wiz open and all there camping geer wiz on the motorways. Ah fink they must have reel liked that spot fur tae camp oot. Noo ah diznae fink ewes should try this at home, coz ah fink it is rite danegeros fur tae camp on the motorways and ewes could get a parkin ticket. Ah kens a rite nice camp site fur tae pit up a tent, but ah canny tells ewe where it is, udder wise ah wid bee mobbed when ah went on holeedays campin. Noo ah wid also like tae point oot that when ah says ah go campin, ah meens that when ah goes on holeedays that ah live in a tent. But ah can tells ewe that ah telt Fat Bazil that campin ment he had tae walk funnee and take a pink backpack. So when Bazil goes campin hee looks reel funnee and all the udder dogs pure stay away frum him. Ma Mollee telt mee that wiznae a nice fing tae do tae Bazil the Brush, but ah fot it wiz cool. Am away tae get ma backpack redee fur ma nexx holeedae, ah always pack ma speedos in case wee go neer watur.
Speek soon, love fae big Presley The King xxxxxxxxxxx

Self harmin

Hullo its mee again, big Presley. Noo ah kens ewe wid have bin socked at wit ah telt ewes yesterday aboot ma Mum sayin she wiz going tae see ill divo and she only pure went an seen 4 men insted, but ma storee today will pure sock ewe even more.

Ah swear tae masell this is the troof wit am aboot tae tell ewes. Sum of ewes will ken that ah have a sistur called Charlee. Noo she is a girl, but shee is a poosee cat and shee is white. Am no soor how shee became ma sistur coz she is white and ah am black, but she is.

Anyway when ah went tae visit ma sistur in hur cell witch is at the udder end of the prizon frum mee and mollee, ah pure seen big clumps of hur white fur lying on the floor, like she had bean tae the fur dressers or sumfin. Ah didnae like tae say anyfun tae hur, coz ah didnae want tae give hur a complexshon, and shee could end up baldee like Macs back bottom. So ah desided that ah wid get sum advice on the deleeket matter frum ma booteefool Mollee. Mollee says that shee diznae ken any baldee poosee cats, so she fot that maybee Hilda had geed hur a tankin and thats how shee lost all hur fur. Ah fot tae masell, if that is the troof, maybee Hilda will be sent tae a mare seecoor prizon and no bee aloud tae live at the open prizon.

Noo ah wiz rite worreed fur Charlee gettin a tankin, so ah went back tae visit hur, and ewes will no beeleeve wit ah seen. She wiz pure dane it tae hersell. Ah swear she wiz. She wiz like pure self harmin, poolin big chunks of fur oot of hersell. She does this tae hersell when shee has rubbed hersell in cat nip. Ah fink thats why its called cat nip, coz once they rub in it, they pure nips themsells. So, ah fink Charlee will need tae get help frum a sykiatrist tae stop hur frum self harmin, udder wize shee will end up lookin like the cat in the picktoor.

The beefour and efter picktoors of wit Charlee will look like if shee pure self harms.

Pleese send 'Do not self harm kards' to Charlee at wur open prizon and shee will feel betters.

Lots of love big Presley - Charlees big bruver. xxxxxxxx

Divo is no ill.

Hullo all ewes, its mee hear big Presley, and ah have an udder troo storee fur tae tell ewes.

See wit happined wiz this, ma Mum telt me tae bee a good boy coz she wiz going oot tae see ill divo! Noo, fing iz this, I disnae even ken a dug called divo, let alone that he wiz ill, so ah fot shee wiz like going tae the hospeetal tae visit him or sumfin. So ah says tae ma Mollee, do ewe fink wee should make a get well soon kard fur divo? Mollee wiz pure laffin and ah diznae ken why. She says ill divo is 4 singurs. Ah says wit are ewe talkin aboot Mollee?.

Noo, pleese try and keep up wiff this storee. So Mollee telt mee that divo wiznae a dug, but 4 singurs called Daveed, Karloss, Sebassteean, and Oooooooree! Ah fot that cannee bee rite, so ah pure checked oot ma Mums compootur when shee came home and soor eenuff, there wur picktoors of blokes on it, pure like singing tae ma Mum. Hear iz sum picktoors that ah took frum hur compootur.

This is Karloss

This is ill Divo - disnae look ill tae mee!

This is Sebassteean - ah fink
Noo ah disnae ken if ma Dad finks ma Mum is going tae see an ill dug, but that is wit shee telt mee, so ah guess she telt him the same fing. But WEE kens better!! Diz they look ill tae ewe??

Gettin so close tae ma Mum like that, they wur luckee theys managed tae eescape, udder wise they wid bee held prizoner at the Lan Ark open prizon. Noo pleese dont tell ma Dad aboot this, cos hee will bee rite upset and ah widnae like that.

So if ma Mum tells ewes shee is going tae see ill divo, ewes will ken shee is pure cheetin on ma Dad. Ah widnae cheet on ma Mollee, unless it wiz wiff wan of ma reel pure babes.

Lots of love big Presley The King xxxxxxxxxx

Pee Ess, if ewe wants tae heer them singing, ewe can heer them singing Amasin Grace on ma Mums website coz that is the song she pit wiff 'our in memoree' of all ma bruvers and sisters that are running free at Rainbows Bridge. xx

Guess who came tae visit mee?

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear big Presley The King.
Well ah have an udder troo storee fur ewes. See fing iz, yisterday ah herd ma Mum coming home from hur work and then ma Mum and Dad came into ma prizon cell, witch is the turd one doon the corridor, and they telt me and Mollee wees had a visitur. A fot that wiz pure dead brillent coz wee don't get many visiturs. The last visitur ah had wiz ma Feeonsee Rag and hur sisturs, when they visited mee on Valentines Day. So wee went oot into the garden and ewes will no beeleeve who had come tae visit us. Can ewes guess? Will ah give ewes a cloo? It wiz none udder than ma very own Antee Rachels! Yes, thats troo, ah swear tae masell. How cool wiz that? Ma very own Antee Rachels. Ah went pure nuts and jumped all over hur! Ah loves ma Antee Rachels. Noo fing iz, normalees when ma antee Rachels comes tae visit, its coz ma Mum and Dad are going away fur a foo days, but ma Antee Rachels just pure came tae visit mee. Am no sure how shee got hear, but ah fink she maybee took the bus and the train or sumfin. The sad fing is, she couldnae stay long, and shee had to leaf. Ah wiz rite sad aboot that. Mollee wiz rite sad that Unkill Eddee wiznae wiff her, coz Mollee pure loves him. Antee Rachels if ewe is reedin this, can ewe pleese come back and stay wiff us soon and wee will have an udder rave.
Ah have a questshon fur ewes all. The udder day ah seen a Seep that had too lamms. Noo fing is wan lamm wiz white and wan lamm wiz black. Ah dont ken how that happined but ah have sum ideers. Anyways, ma questshon is this. Do ewe fink that the white lamm finks he is black, and the black lamm finks hee is white? Pleese fink aboot ma questshon and send ewer ansurs tae mee at ma eemale address. The winner gets a free pass tae visit mee at the open prizon, that is if its a pure babe that wins.
Am away noo tae take care of biziness. Love Big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxx

Mee Maw, Mee Maw, Mee Maw

Hullo all ewes its mee big Presley. Noo ma Mollee always laffs when ah rites that at the start, coz she says ewes all kens its mee, but fing iz, wit if somewon else rote ma blog, ewes widnae ken, so thats why ah always say if its mee or not - see, am no as daft as a look!
Sum of ewes will remembur that ah want tae bee a Pollis Dug when ah grow up, so that ah can chase bad peepells and when ah catch them ah can bites them, well ah wiz wunderin if Fire Mens have Fire Dugs, coz ah fink ah wid like tae bee a Rescoo Dug. Ma Mollee says that am allreddy a Rescoo dug, but wit ah meens iz a dug that rescoo's peepells, coz ah could pool there arms and legs and fings when ah rescoos them and thats cool game tae play.
Anyways wit happined wiz this. Mee and Mollee wiz oot wiff ma Mum in the car wiff the dark windaes that wee can see oot, but nobuddee can see in, so nobuddee kens that mee, the famoss King wiz in the car. Wee were behind a huge big lorree, but there wiz like bloo smoke comin frum the lorree, and it wiz so bad ma Mum had tae slow doon tae aboot 120mph. Ah wiz pure yellin at the man tae stop his lorree, but he kept going. Nexx fing wee herd a huge big BANG! Ma Mum fot the tyre had blown on the lorree, and the man stopped at the side of the road, so ma Mum passed him, and az wee got in line wiff the bit where the lorree joins up wiff the bit that drives the lorree, we pure seen the biggest fire wees have ever seen in the hole of our lives. This was even bigger than the time ma Dad had a Bar Bee Q and set wur trees on fire, ah swear tae masell it wiz. The lorree driver wiz like still sittin in his cab fing, until he seen ma Mum stop and pure run towards him, so he got oot tae see wit ma Mum wanted. Noo this is the funnee bit, coz ewe wood have fot ma Mum wiz tryin tae help the man, but she only went and said tae him 'have ewe got a fone'? Wit wiz all that aboot? Ah fot she should have says tae him, 'pure run fur ewer life, ewer big lorree is on fire'. Why ask the poor man if hee had a fone? The man then seen the flames, but hee pure jumped back into his cab fing, witch wiz fool of fick black smoke in aboot 2 seconds. Ah says tae ma Mollee ah will need tae help! Shee said wit are ewe going tae do Presley? Mollee wiz pure greetin coz shee didnae want me tae help in case ah hurted masell. So ah says watch this Mollee.....and do ewe kens wit ah did? Ah preetened that ah wiz a Fire Dug and started tae yell. Mee Maw, Mee Maw, Mee Maw, Mee Maw. Mollee wiz pure rite impressed wiff that, cos that wiz a rite pure important job, coz the man jumped oot of his cab cos he fot it wiz the Fire Men comin tae help, so ah like pure saved him. We went off tae the park efter that, but ah wiz Mollees reel life heero, fur saving that man. How cool is that?
Love fae big Presley the Fire Dug Heero xxxxxxx

Grand Natshonal Day.

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear again. Listen did any of ewes ken it wiz Grand Natshonals Day? Well see fing iz, ah neerlee forgot, but ah herd ma Dad sayin tae ma Mum somfin aboot a dog called Noah, and he wiz in a sort of Grand Natshonal today. Am no soor who Noah is.
Anyways, ah had a look at the noospaper and picked oot sum horses fur tae win the race, or no tae win the race az it happined. Noo, fing iz ah don't like it when the horses pure fall or get hurted, and ma Mum and ma Mollee pure cries, so wee diznae watch the race, but this is the horses ah picked fur ma bruvers and sisters.
1. Priests Leap - Ma horse, but ah fot it said Presley's Leap!
2. Ramblin Minster - Mum - but ah fot it said Ramblin Minister coz of ma Mums job!
3. Black Apalachi - Mac - becoz big Mac is black!
4. Stan - Stan, coz that iz his name!
5. Ollie Magern - efter ma bruver Olly that died at Noo Yeers!
6. Big Fella Fanks - Mollee's horse, coz shee always says that two mee!
7. Comply or Die - Roobee's horse, coz shee is pure the boss at the prizon!
8. Irish Invader - efter ma bruver Ivor, coz he wiz frum Eye-er-land.
9. Idle Talk - Bazils horse, coz Bazil iz always talkin nonsense!
10. Can't Buy Time - Wizzee's horse, coz that must bee an old horse!
Noo the fing iz, the onlee wan that did any good wiz Comply or Die, ma Roobee's horse and ah should have pit all 23p of ma pocket monee on that horse tae win in second place, but ah didnae so ah didnae win anyfin.
Am noo away tae pick sum numburs fur the lotteree, so ah can buy a beetch hut at Norff Berwick fur ma summer holeedaes.
Love fae big Presley the Gamblur xxxxxxx

Wizzee's Mug Shot!!

Hullo all ewes oot there, fank ewe fur agreeing that ma Roobee iz a pure babe. Noo sum of ewes asked how auld Wizzee Wonga iz, well am happee to reports that hee iz dane fine and ah will tell ewes a troo storee about him. When ah seen Roobee gettin hur picktoor took yisterday, ah says tae Wizzee Wonga, ewe will need tae get ewer picktoor taken. He said, wit fur? Ah telt him wees wur getting noo mug shots taken fur wur prizon ID kards. (ID stands fur 'Inn Deetenshon'), so auld Wizzee wanders off tae find oot when it wiz hiz turn fur tae have his foto took. He pure wandered aroond the garden fur aboot two hours, and ah wiz laffin, but ma Mollee said that it wiznae funnee tae laff at Wizzee, coz Wizzee cannee see. So, ah says, Wizzee, ewe need tae go intae the front garden, and ah fink this did help him, coz he eventooallee found ma Dad wiff his camera. Ah says tae Wizzee Wong, dont smile, its no a picktoor fur the familee foto albums, its a front voo mug shot! This is the result. Noo, pleese do not laffs, coz its not hiz falt hee looks like this, but check oot the nick of auld Wizzee the Wonga! This is the best Mug Shot ah has ever seen in the hole of ma life.

Auld Wizzee the Wonga's Mug Shot!!

Ah will see if ah can find any more picktoors fur ewes tae look at, or should that be laff at?

Love fae big Presley the King xxxx.

Reemarkable Roobee

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear Big Presley....noo, everyboddees pure loved ma Mambo Numbur Free, but they says it wiznae mee that rote the wurds, well ah swears tae masell it wiz.
But wan fing....ah didnae menshon ma big sister ROOBEE, she is pure a babe! Ah fot ah wid let ewes all see jist how mutch a babe she reelee is!! Ma Dad took these picktoors todaes, of ma udder number wan babe, and ma Mum's numbur wan babe!! Enjoys!! and if ewe are sad coz ewe fink life wiznae kind two ewe, look at ma babe!









Ma Roobee on Free Legs, pure enjoying life to the fool




Is that no the happiest babe ewes have ever seen??





I'm PROUD TAE SAE THIS IS MA BIG SISTER ROOBEEE!!
Lots of love Big Presley...Count ewer blessings day by day xxxx

Mambo Numbur Free

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee here big Presley, its been a rite cool day hear at Lan Ark and ah fot it wiz jist like summer times, so ah rote a toone fur all ma babes.
Noo, ewes will ken the song Mambo numbur 5, well this is Presley's Mambo Numbur Free and it goes like this:

A little bit of Mollee in my life
A little bit of Daisy by my side
A little bit of Cas is all ah need
A little bit of Tina is what ah see
A little bit of Shasha in the sun
A little bit of Millie all nite long
A little bit of Ragsee hear I am
A little bit of ewe makes me ewer man

Jump up and down and move it all around
Sharke ewer butt to the sound, put ewer paws to the ground
Take one step left and one step right
One to the front and one to the side
Clap ewer paws onces and clap ewer paws twice
And if it looks like this then ewer leep froggin rite

A little bit of Mollee in my life
A little bit of Daisy by my side
A little bit of Cas is all ah need
A little bit of Tina is what ah see
A little bit of Sasha in the sun
A little bit of Millie all nite long
A littel bit of Ragsee hear I am
A little bit of me makes me ewer man

Crumpet, Crumpet
Mambo numbur free
I do all to fall in love wiff a babe like ewe
Ewe cant run and ewe cant hide, ewe and mee gone make sum pups.

The End

Ewes can sing the Korus again if ewes want, but ah fot that wiz eenuff.
I hope ewes all enjoyed ma vershon of Mambo Numbur Free, Dedicated to all ma numbur wan babes in the world by Big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxx