Captin iz noo at Rainbow Bridge

Hullo all ewes oot there.
Ma Mum iz pure away on holleedaes, so ah have hud tae sneek on hear tae post.
Fing iz, ah kens ewes fink az am the proffitt of doom and gloom, wiff all ma bad noos, but ah fot az wid let ewe kens that wee Captin wur burdee pure died this mornins. Ma Mum will bee pure devasstated when shee comes home and finds that oot. Hee pure like jizt died. Ma Mum got him fae the pet sopp, coz hee wiz baldee and hee loved livin hear wiff uz and hiz noo burd Tineel.
Wee´s do not ken wits happined, but its pure sad that hee died on ma Mums birffday.
Ah hopes ma Mum iz havin a pured dead brillent times, coz mee and Mollee iz.
Ah better go, coz am havin such a grate times, and ah diznae want tae bee poot in the cooler fur bean on the compootar.
Ah will speek soon, when am no havin so mutch fun. But ah am bean sad aboot Captin too.
Love fae big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxxx

Wee Zorro ah loved ewe.

Deer everyboddees,

Ah promissed that ah wid let ewes ken how Zorro got on at the Vet Docktur, an am reelee sorree tae say that ma bruver Zorro haz noo gone tae Rainbow Bridge.

Wee Zorro, came tae live wiff uz on 3rd Novembur 2007 - only 16 monffs ago. Ma Mum seen an advert in the paper, asking for someone tae take on a 'sprightly 20yr old cat, who needed a quiet indoor home. Hee wiz on medikatshon fur life, efter the owner took ill and couldnae look efter him and hiz companion Charlee, who wiz only 11yrs old'. The Cats Proteckshon peepells said they wid pay fur hiz Vet treetment fur the rest of hiz life, but ma Mum pure hates peepells who takes advantage of that tipes of situation coz ma Mum kens sum peepells who get pets and lets charitees pay fur vet fees, when theys can afford tae pay fur their ane pets medikashon. So ma Mum says, if ah am tae bee Zorro's mummy, ah will pay fur hiz medikashon and ewes can use the monee tae help pay for udder cats.

They pure introdooced ma Mum tae Zorro, who wiz called Zara at the time - eye ah swears tae masell that iz the troof - a boy cat wiff a wumins name! But hee wiznae a transeggshall cat, so ma Mum says, ah fink wee will call ewe a reel mans name and call ewe ZORRO!

Ma Mum fell in love wiff wee Zorro and said shee wid love him forever, then the they let ma Mum see hiz companion Charlee. Charlee wiz a girl (wiff a boys name), but shee wiz like a pure modell babe. The cats proteckshon peepells widnae let anybuddees see Charlee first, coz everybuddee pure fanceed hur and Zorro wiz just plane Zorro, but they kent ma Mum and Dad wid love Zorro forever, even if hee wiznae handsum.

When Zorro came tae live wiff uz, hee couldnae even get up on the bed, and hee wiz affeckshonatelee kent az the 'Weekest Link', so ma Mum went an got him a set of stairs tae clime on the bed. Honest, that iz the troof. Wee had a birffdae partee fur Zorro last August when hee wiz 21 yeers old. Ma Mum telt the cat proteckshon peepells, who couldnae beeleeve hee wiz still rite enjoying life. Wee Zorro haz got wursur healff wize over the past foo daes and sadlee Zorro, wiznae ever goin tae get betturs, and hee wiz rite ill over the past 12 hours. Ma Mum fot hee wid jist get more medikashon frum the Vet Docktur, but the Vet pure eggasmined him and went an preepared the stuff fur tae let Zorro leeve the mateereal world wiff dignitee.

Ma Mum and Dad are rite upsets, so ah will have tae go and gee them a cuddell. I kens that Zorro will bee happee at Rainbow Bridge, coz sum of hiz pals are alreddys there and big Ivor will pure look efter him, till ma Mum goes wan dae tae join them.

Ah loved ewe wee Zorro, love fae Big Presley. xxxxxx

Thiz iz mee at Zorros 21st birffdae partee, lazt August, ah said tae him.... 'happee birffdae, 'Weekest Link', an hee pure geed mee a tankin. But ah loved him so mutch. xxxx

008 iz workin neer Lan Ark

Hullo all ewes oot there. Ah have bin pracktissin ma Spaneesh fur tae help ma Mum and ah fink ah kens mare Spaneesh wurds than hur noo.
Noo, first fings first, wee Zorro wur auld cat isnae well and hee's haz tae go tae the Vet docktur this afternoons. Ma Mum finks wee Zorro iz rite seereeouslee ill thiz times and shee iz rite sad todaes. Wee Zorro iz 21.5 yeers old in hooman yeers, so that makes him aboot 240 in cat yeers.
Ah will let ewe kens wits will happin tae him, but its no lookin very good, so cood ewes pleese have a wurd wiff ewer angels and ask thems tae look efter him. Fanks.
Noo, the udder fing ah wiz goin tae tell ewes aboot iz ma walk tae the park. Noo, see sumtimes, wees go fur a walk round the Lock. No a lock ewe pit ewer key in, but a lock wiff watur in it and fiss. Well ah want tae tell ewes a troo storee, coz ah kens there is sumfin reel fisshee goin on at the Lock an ah will tell ewes why ah finks thiz. See when az wiz walkin roond the lock wiff mollee the udder dae, wee seen mens wiff tents. Okay so there is nuffin rang wiff that, rite, but wate wan minit, the mens wiff the tents wur preetendin tae bee fissin. They pure had there rod fings danglin in the watur. Fissin must bee rite tyrin, and thats why they had tents wiff beds in it.
But the reel scaree fing iz, that these mens wur wearin camoflage geer. Eye, ah swears tae masell they wur. Noo, ma questions is thiz, why wid they wear camoflage geer if they wur jist fissin? Ah have a feeree. Ah fink they wur up tae no good. Coz the fiss cannee see wit they are wearin, and ah fink the fiss have more tae worree aboot than wit somewun iz wearin. Ah fink the mens wur probablee spies or sumfin, like 008 Mr Basildon Bond. Ah fink they wur on the look oot fur Oh Salmon bin Laid. Noo dont tell anyones that ah have worked thiz oot, but if ewes dont beeleeve mee, ewes can go and look at the mens at the lock in the camoflage geer, well that is if ewe can see them, coz its reel difficult to see them if theys are standing neer trees and fings coz of the clothes they wears.
Love big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxx

Spaneesh Lessuns

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee again, big Presley.
Ah have bin reelee bizzee fur the past foo daes. Ah fot ah shood lern sum Spaneesh tae help ma Mum fur when shee goes tae Spane on Fridaes. Noo am no going wiff hur, but ah fot ah cood help wiff hur purrnouseeashon wiff Spaneesh wurds.
Fanks is Grass Sea R's
Yess is Sea
Skoose Mee? is Perrdun?
Toylet is Banjo
Pleese is Porr Fah Vorr
Noo these are rite important wurds, coz noo ma if ma Mum needs the loo, witch iz very importants. Shee haz tae sae iz thiz: Perrdun, Porr Fah Vorr, Can ah huv a shot of ewer Banjo! The Spaneesh wull replies: Sea
Then ma Mum will sae: Grass Sea R's.
How cool iz that, see, ah fink of everyfin, in fact az am goin tae rite sum noo books an they will bee called 'King Presleys Ruff Guide Goin On Holeedaes'. Noo, ah could have a hole seerees of theese 'Ruff Guides'. Ah normallee rites all ma ane books, but ma Mum wiz a Guide aboot 80 yeers ago, so shee haz sum eggspeereeance of them, and lets face it, they diz not come mutch ruffer than hur, so ah may ask hur fur sum help wiff ma noo seerees of books.
Shee haz bin pure bizzee at work, so it mae take mee a while tae rite them. Only last nite shee wiz in Dunndee and shee iz goin back there tonites again. Thats a rite far place, thats where the Krokodiles and Bannanas comes from. Krokodile Dunndee iz ma heerow, and everytimes ah sees a Bannanas it haz Fyfe on it and Dunndee iz neer Fyfe. The udder fing that comes frum up there is seep sh....ers. Diz ewe ken wit ah meens!! All the men up there sheers the seeps.
Take care, love fae big Presley the Spaneesh Speekur. xxxxxxxx

Gettin two ken mee.

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah wiz sent wan of they eemales frum a nosey parkur, wantin tae ken all aboot mee, so ah fot it wid bee a good idear if ah telt ewes wit a likes.
1. Wit time did ah get up this mornin?. First time wiz at 1am, and secund time wiz at 5am.
2.Wit wiz the last film ah seen? Ah seen Beethoven Free
3.Wit iz ma favorite TV programme? The Dog Wissperur
4.Wit diz ah usuallee have fur breakfast? Half a wizzee poo.
5. Wit iz ma middull name? 'the' frum Presley the King
6. Wit food do ah dislike? Anyfin made fae deed fiss.
7.Wit car diz a drive? What kind of stoopid question is that.... ah cannee drive - yet.
8. What characteristics diz ah despise? Wit diz despise meen?
9. If ah could go on holeedae where wid it bee? Norff Berick tae see ma babe Rag
10. Wot did ah want tae bee when ah wiz little? A Greyhound
11.Wot iz ewer fav biscut? Ah pure loves Gingur Snapps.
12. Wot iz ma hare collur? Az iz pure black, wiff wite paws. PAWS ah said!!!
13. Wot iz ma fav game? Leep Frog wiff ma beetches
14. When wiz the last time ah cried? Aboot 10 mins ago tae go oot fur a pee pee.
15. Who iz ma fav cheff? Gordun Ramsee
16. Who iz ewer best pal? Mollee Wallee
17. How many peepells will respond tae this? Nun, coz am no askin them two.
Noo ewes kens all aboot mee and wot ah reelee likes.
Love fae big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Eggsitetin suff

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah have bin pure misserabell since ah seen ma Feeonsee Rag an shee went hame efter visitin hoor wiz up. So ah says tae ma Mum and Dad that ah wood stay misserabell furever if ah didnae have anyfin tae look forwards two. They says they wood have a fink aboot ways tae cheer mee up. Ah herd them talkin aboot mee in the nexx room, so ah pit a glass against the wall tae hear better. Ah have seen that dun in the moovees and ah fink it works, but ah dropped the glass and it pure smashed all over the floor, but ah herds thems reel good. Ewes will no beeleeve what theys have got mee. Noo sum of ewes ken ah am pal of Sir Les Patterson. Hee is the only Les that hasnae bean on channel 4. Well ah herd ma Mum sayin that ma pal Les iz coming all the wae frum Oztraylia tae Glesga in Septemburs and theys are goin tae see him. So ah fink theys will definatelee bee takin mee along tae cheer mees up. Unfortoonatelee, ah will have tae go and see that wumin Dame Eddna, coz she kens ma pal Les and iz aye hangin aroond. Shee geed ma Mum Gladeeohlies last time shee met ma Mum, an ma Mum says oh Eddna theys are bootifool, so ah finks Dame Eddna will bring sum fur mee if shee kens ah will be there. Ah cannee wate tae see ma old pal Sir Les and ah will need tae tell him a foo of ma jokes. He sumtimes tells peepells ma jokes, but ah telt him no tae say that ah geed him ma jokes, coz sumtimes theys are very nottee. See, fing iz ah dont want ma Mollee tae ken ah kens nottee jokes or shee will bee pure angree.
So am away tae rite doon sum of ma jokes fur ma pal Sir Les. Maybees ah could tell him the wan aboot the Ramm wearin the bandage geer in the feeld. That wiz a rite good wan.
Oh bye the ways, the udder noos iz that ma Mum telt mee shee seen reel Lamms todaes, in a feeld in Engerland. How cool is that?
Rite am away, see ewes later, love fae big Presley the Happee King xxxxxxxx

Introdoocin Kone Heed!

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee hear big Presley.

Fank ewe all fur sendin Wizzee Wonga good wisses, but hee iz noo called Kone Heed. Noo ewes is wunderin why az haz reenamed him Kone Heed. Well see fing iz, ewe ken hee haz hunners of stitches on his nose, but theys must bee boverin him, coz hee is pure tryin tae take them oot himsell. Hee iz no aloud tae dae that, coz udderwise ma Mum and Dad widnae get there Nextur points fur takin him back tae the Vet.

Ma Mum and Dad haz bin rite bizzee wiff work, so mee and Mollee have bin good doggees and bean well behaved, so theys diznae need to worree aboot uz and wees haz bin lookin efter Kone Heed fur them. Anyways, ah fot Wizzee Wonga needin cheerin up coz hee hates wearin a Kone on his Heed. So ah fot if ah called him Kone Heed hee wid like that. Noo auld Kone Heed batters aboot the place and pure knocks everyfin doon in hiz paff, including the udder dogs.

Anyways hear iz a picktoor of auld Kone Heed fur ewes tae see how sore hiz nose looks.

KONE HEED - SIDE VOO

KONE HEED - FRONT VOO

Noo ah should pointe oot that, it wiz the Vet Docktur who pure cut so far doon Kone Heeds Nose fur tae stitch his Vane.

Am away noo tae help Kone Heed, coz am hiz guide dog. Love fae big Presley xxxx

Happee Vallentines Daes

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah hopes ewe had a reelee nice Vallentines Daes, coz ah had the happeeest wan in the hole of ma life. Noo see fing iz, ah am no aloud tae go tae the sopps tae bye a Vallentines kards, so ah asked ma Mum if shee could bye mee ma Vallentines kards fur mee tae send tae ma No. 1 babes. Ah had saved up ma pocket monees esspechally fur tae bye them. Shee said shee wood, then coz of everyfin that wiz happenin wiff Wizzee and wiff hur bean so bizzee at work, shee pure forgot. So wit happined wiz thiz, ma Mollee wiz pure greetin when shee seen ah hadnae got hur a Vallentines Kard. Ah telt hur shee wiz ma No.1 babe beetch and ah only ever had eyes fur hur.
Well ewes will no beeleeve wit happined nexx and ah swears tae masell this is the troof. Mee and Mollees wiz wanderin aroond the exercise yard hear at the Open Prizon, wees wur dae dreemin aboot wur Vallentines and nexx fing a seen a car arrive, wiff no wan, but free of ma udder No. 1 babes in it. Ah wiz pure dreemin that ma Feeonsee babe Rag, an hur bootifool sisturs, Sasha and Cas got oot thiz car. Ah shouts to ma Feeonsee, ma babe Rag, ewe has finally come tae see mee in ma Prizon coz ewe diz love mee. Ah dremt Rag came runnin up tae me and geed mee a big kiss frew the gate.
Ma Mollee wiz rite angree, coz not only had shee not got a Vallentines Kard, but then all ma No.1 babes came tae see mee tae wiss mee a happee Vallentines Dae in the flessh.
Ah wiz so pure excited that an ah wiz jumpin fur joy, ah has niver bean so excited in the hole of ma life, and ah niver wanted thiz feelin tae end. But then ah wee while laters a heers a noise and mee and Mollee looked frew the prizon fense and ah seen ma babes bean poot intae a car and driven away. Ah wiz pure rite sad, but ah didnae want ma Mollee tae see mee cry, so ah went intae ma prizon cell an ah fell asleeps finkin aboot ma babes. When ah woke up ma Mollee telt mee ah wiz dreemin and theys hadnae come tae visit me. So now am no soor if theys wur hear or if ah wiz dreemin.
Ah will have tae rite tae ma Anteee Noras and Unkill Dereck and ask them if ah wiz dreemin or no. But wan fing iz fur soor, ah had the bestest Vallentines Daes ah has ever had in the hole of ma life. Ah hope ewes all haz az happee a dae a mee. Love fae big Presley the King xxxxx

9999 Call fur Wizzee!

Hullo all ewes oot there, ewes will no beeleeve wit happin tae auld Wizzee, but thiz iz a troo storee.
See wit happined wiz thiz. Sum of ewes will ken that ma brover big Ivy Pvy went tae Rainbow Bridge on the 30th of January and ever since then, ma udder brover Wizzee haz bin a lot mare relaxxed around the hoose, coz sumtimes Ivy used tae growl at him.
Noo fing iz big Ivy wiz the boss of all the udder inmates, and noo Ivy isnae hear anymores, Wizzee fot hee wid bee the boss, but fing iz so diz Mac and Bazil and Roobee and Mollee, but theys iz all forgettin ah am the boss. Anyways, last nite jist as me and Mollee wur goin tae wur bed, ma Mum hears someone bark and says tae ma Dad, can ewe pleese check on the big dogs. Next fing all hell wiz let looose.
Auld Wizzee had pure pushed hiz way passed Mac and Ivor and Roobee and wan of them pure pit him in hiz place by biting him on the nose. But fing iz, the wiz blood everywhere and ah meens everywhere! Ma Mum says tae ma Dad quick fone the Vet and tell him wees are on wur wae wiff Wizzeee. Noo am no wan tae laff at udder peepells missfortoons, but fing iz ma Mum wiz in hur Jim Jams and Slip Slips reddy fur bed. Ma Dad says go and get dressed, but shee says ah havenae got times, so she jist pit hur jacket on and off theys ran. Ah fot wit the ......., wit if theys get stopped by the Polliss and ma Mum is in hur Jim Jams and pure covered in blood.
Ma Mum didnae need tae pit on the bloo lite on in the car, coz the air wiz bloo wiff what theys wur sayin about the amount of blood Wizzee wiz loosin, and shee took aff oot of hear at 800mph.
But when theys get to the Vet, there wiz a Seep bean takin in two, the seep wiz aboot tae have a Lamm!! Then the Vet seen ma Mum an Dad the Vet said "Oh ........", well ah best no repeet wit the Vet said but he wiz pure shocked and the air in there wiz Bloo two!!. Ah fot it wiz the site of seein ma Mum in hur Jim Jams and Slip Slips! The Vet said "quick, frew hear and get on the table"!! Ma Mum says, ah fink under the circumsizes ah fink ewe should see tae Wizzee first!!
Anyways, it turns oot that Wizzee had severed hiz Vane in hiz gum and the Vet pure had tae stitch the Vane first befour hee could stitch up Wizzee's nose. The Vet says that Wizzee wid have been deed had they even bean an udder 5 minits gettin tae him. Wizzee lost a rite lot of blood, so ma Mum drove at 800 mph back hame tae get Mac in case Wizzee needed a blood transfooshon. Wizzee got back hame last nite wiff his Vane stitched an aboot 80 stitches on his nose. Ah says, "am rite pleesed tae see ewe made it Wizzee, ewe have only pure survived by the skin of ewer nose"!! Then ah fot, probablee best no menshon hiz nose!
Todaes, Wizzee looks like hee has dun 80 rounds with Mike Dyson.
Ma Mum sat up all nite wiff him tae make soor that hiz Vane didnae burst open, so shee didnae get any sleeps, then shee had tae go tae work twodaes pure knackered.
Anyways, Wizzee is pure going tae bee okee, and hee now kens hee iz no aloud tae bee the boss.
But the good noos is that the little Lamm wiz born safely after the Vet did a Librarian Sexshon on the Sheep. Noo am no wan tae tell tails, but the Seep wiz white and the Lamm wiz Black, so ewe ken wits happined there!!!
Well am away tae look efter ma big brover Wizzee, coz hee is sittin in bed wiff a rite long face, so hee must be fed up.
Love fae big Presley the Docktur. Pee Ess, Mollee says hee isnae fed up, hee jizt haz a long face, but ah fink ah will go and cheer him up anyway. xxxxxxxx

Ma spellin!

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee heer big Presley.
Az sum of ewes ken az am a fillosifer, coz az am a finker. Noo ah have had a complaint sayin that ah cannee spell very well an ah cannee pronounce an 'h', coz ah says fings like fiss, fur unedoocated peepells that is sumfin that swims in watur!. Wan persun says ah did no have a good commmando of the engerliss langwage. Thats coz az am Scotteesh an am no fae Engerland, but ah dae rite ma blog in the engerland langwage. Anyways ma Mum says shee wid help mee wiff ma spellin and shee fot it wid bee a good ideer if ah red the noospaper tae help wiff thiz.
Ah didnae like the storees in the papers coz they wurnae aboot dogs and beetches, so ma Mum says why dae ewe no reed the sexshon wiff the dog furs sail in it. Noo that wiz cool, ah didnae ken ah could jizt bye ma ane beetch frum the noospaper. Ah seen hunners of dugs fur sail all lookin fur a nice home tae live in. Noo sum of ewes will have kent that a rite stoopid persun invented a dug called a Labra Dooodell. Ah have pure seen wan of them. It wiz too yeers ago and ma Mum entured mee in a dog show called Scruffts or sumfin. Noo ah should have won paws down, nae bover tae the King, but the stoopid wumin who fot shee wiz a judge didnt ken hur Pedigree Lurchers frum hur Greyhounds and shee said ah wiz a Greyhound. Ewe kens ah diz like tae dane impershonashons, but why wid ah preetend tae bee a Greyhound, when ah could have entured ma Mollee in the show and shee iz a pure pintsized Greyhound. Anyways, efter that wumin says that, ah says ewe iz a plonker, az am a Pedigree Lurcher but shee widnae heer tell of it, and nexx fing a flamin Labra Doodell stood next tae mee and shee picked it tae win.
Noo ah kens that stoopid peepells pays hunners of pounds fur wan of these Mongrells, coz they fink they are a rtie speshall breed or sumfin. But ewes will no beeleeve wit ah seen fur sail last nite in the noospaper. Ah seen ah Cock A Poo! Az says wit the .........., iz a Cock A Poo?. So ah got tae finkin wit wiz that mongrell made up of?? Well ah cannee reepeet on heer wit that mongrell iz made of, coz thiz iz a familee blog. Then ah fot tae masell, no wate wan minit, maybees theys have jizt run oot of names fur dug breeds and theys have gone doon the sames road as the Amereecan Injins, who pure named fings efter the first fing they saw, like...'runnin watur', 'little dove' and 'shittin Bull'. So ah finks that iz why they have called a dug Cock a Poo!!. Am no so sure ah reelee wants tae even see wan of these dugs, and az will no bee byein wan coz they cost £750 and az only haz £7.50 and free Euros in pockit monee.
Well thats all fur noo, az am away tae improov ma spellin and ah fink ah will campane fur less Cock a Poo's and mare dugs like mee. Ah wid bee a Greyollie, coz az am a kross between a greyhound and a collie. Love tae ewes all fae King Presley the Greyollie. xxxxxx

Poor Auld Wizzee the Wonga

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah doo hope ewes are enjoyin the sssnow, coz am no. Ah am fed up wiff it noo, but ma Molleee pure loves it. Ah fink shee neerlee loves the sssnow az mutch az shee loves mee, but no quite fankfoolee, udder wize ah will be dumped again.
Anyways, ah have an udder troo storee tae tell ewes and ewes will no beeleeve wit az am aboot tae tell ewes. Diz ewe rememburs that ah said ma big brover Wizzy Wonga, wiznae feelin himsell, well if ewes didnae rememburs ah telt ewes yisterday or the udder dae.
Ma Mum wiz rite worried about Wiz, cos hee wiz shakin his heed and ma Mum wiz shakin hur heed, coz shee didnae ken wit wiz rang with Wiz. So ma Mum pure foned the Vet Docktur and made an appointments wiff them. Auld wizzy wiz a bit worreed when he seen ma Mum takin him oot tae the Pet Herse, so ah shouted frew the fence wurds of encouragements, ah says..."gone yersell auld Wiz, have a rite nice times, ewe is only goin tae the Vet Docktur, ewe will no feeel a fing". Ah fink Wiz wiz pure greetin by wit ah says, but az wiz only tryin tae help.
Ma Mollee said that wiznae nice fur mee tae tell Wiz where hee wiz going, but ah fot hee should ken, so hee widnae worree, coz he fot hee wiz going fur a walk roond the Lock.
Well, when they gets tae the Vet Docktur, all 4 of the Dockturs and the Dockturs assistant wur all on standin waitin, like Wiz wiz royaltee of sumfin. Theys said wees will jizt eggasmine him oot hear so he diznae get upsets. They had like muzzells and harrnesses and sedashons all at the reddy fur auld Wiz, who wiz pure wettin himsell when hee seen all thiz.
The Vet Dockturs said "Wits rang wiff him thiz time?" Ma Mum says hee wiz shakin hiz heed all the times. The Dockturs said ah pure hope he iz better behaved thiz time. Ma Mum wiz neerlee greetin noo, coz auld Wiz iz a furrelee nice chap, and ma Mum wiz upset theys said fings aboot Wiz. Then the Vet Docktur leened doon tae auld Wiz and said........noo thiz iz the funnee fing....he said "Ok, Presley lets have a look"!!!!!! Ah swears tae masell that iz the troof. The Vet Dockturs fot auld Wiz wiz mee. Noo that explains why all fore of the Dockturs wur there, theys fot it wiz mee and thats why theys wur treetin Wiz like Royaltee.
Ma Mum pure burst oot laffin and said thats no Presley, thats Wizzeeeee. The Docktur pulled wan of they funnee faces and says "Wit on erff wur ewe finkin, callin a boy dug Lizzee". Well by thiz point ma Mum wiz neerlee wettin hursell laffin, but Wiz wiznae, coz hee wiznae impressed wiff the Docktur. Poor auld Wiz, wiz taken in a herse tae the vet, and then he wiz pure made oot tae bee wan of they transeggsual dugs!! That wiz enuff tae make anybuddee ill.
Ewes will bee rite pleesed tae ken that Wiz iz all rite noo, hee had pure scratched the inside of hiz eer and made it bleed neer the Kanal. But wee diznae live neer a Kanal, we lives neer the watur, so ah finks they got that bit rang.
If ewes have any auld pink collurs that ewes dont need anymore, pleese send them tae mee and ah will give them tae Lizzeee, ma transeggsual bruver.
Love fae big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fanks

Deer everyboddes, az jizt wanted tae tell ewes an udder storee.
See fing iz thiz, diz ewe rememburs that ah wiz pure ill a foo daes ago and ah said no tae send mee get well King Presley kards. Well sum of ma fannees were so socked at reedin that ah wiz so pure ill that they didnae reed that bit! Coz ewes will no beeleeve wit Postman Pat brung mee.
Hee pure brung mee the followin eyetems, sent tae mee frum ma fannneees.
Numbur Wan: An Eye patch!
Numbur Too: A get Well Kard fur ma Vet
Turd Fing: Free stickee plasturs
Numbur Fore: A packit of poo bags - fur ma Vet
A dont fink there wiz a numbur five fing:
Numbur Sex: A white stick fur tae move around wiff
Numbur Sevin: A bondage
Numbur Ate: Ten pence
and ewes will no beeleeve wit Number Ten wiz!: A plastick parrott fur tae pit on ma shoulder!
Ma Molleee wiz pure laffin when shee seen wit ah had got, coz shee fot theys fings wur reelee funnee.
So ah wid jizt like tae say a big fank ewe fur sendin mee these fings, but in footure jist send the monee pleese.
Ah am mutch bettur todaes fank ewe, but auld Wizzy isnae dane too well.....but beefore ewes all rush oot tae send him fings, jist contact mee first and ah will start a pockit monee fund fur him coz hee iz ma pal.
Have a nice dae, lots of love fae big Presley the King xxxxx

A Weak Aff

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee again big Presley. Noo ah have a reel troo storee tae tell ewes twoday. Ah telt ewes yisterdae that ma Mum wiz goin on a holleedae tae Bar Seelona, but shee iz only goin there fur a long weakend and no a sort weakend. So shee haz bin finkin aboot holleedaes beecos shee needs a brake away frum hur work.
The storree ah want tae tell ewes twodae is aboot wur nayburs. Noo they are rite cool nayburs ah fink they are called the Goods. Diz ewe rememburs the Good life on the tellys, where the peepells pure went all Green. No green like the incredibull hulk, but weerdo green, cos they like lived off the land tipe of peepells. Well the Goods nexx tae us dae the same fing. They haz seeps, and lams, and kalffs, and chickens and pigs and udder fings and they bring them tae live wiff them and feed them so they are pure fat like Bazil, then they do rite nastee fings tae them and send them tae the chainsaw massacarr man then they pure eets them. YUCK.
Ewe kens ah am a vegeetareean and only eeet meet, so ah diz not agreee wiff dane that tae aneemals. Anyways, ma Mum pure falls in love wiff the aneemals that lives there coz they are wee babees, but shee iz no so keen on them when theys are big and fat and smellee like the pigs wur last summer times.
So wit happined yisterday wiz thiz, ma Mum wiz getting reddy to go oot and the doorbell rang. Ma Dad ansured it and it wiz Mr Good wur naybur. All ma mum could heer wiz Mr Good sayin sumfin aboot a week aff. So once Mr Good went away, shee said tae ma Dad, wit did Mr Good want tae ken aboot ma holleedae? Ma Dad pure laffed cos he didnt understand wit ma Mum wiz talkin aboot. So she pure pulled wan of they faces and said tae ma Dad 'Mr Good said sumfin aboot ma week aff' . Ma Dad pured laffed and says, no, no, no, Mr Good wiznae sayin anyfin aboot ewer week aff, his wiz talkin aboot his week aff. (Ah hopes ewes are followin ma storree!!).
Ma Mum says 'oh is Mr Good havin a week aff tae'? Nexx fing that happined and ah swear tae masell this is the troof. Ma Dad brought in a big bag and opened it and said tae ma Mum 'Mr Good brought us his wee caff, fur us tae eet'. In the bag wiz stakes, and sossogees and under fings tae eet. It turns oot Mr Good got too mutch beef back fae hiz wee caff fur him tae eet himsell and geed it tae uz. Ewe should have herd ma Mum screeem. Well ewes probably did, aboot free o'clock yistereday!! Ah fink shee pure neer fainted too.
So mee and Molleee are rite lookin forward tae eetin Sir Loin stakes and sossogees fur the next free weaks. Hope ewes are no two jelloss!!
Love fae big Presley the vegeetareean meet eeter. xxxxxxxxx

Holleedays in warr zones!

Hullo all ewes oot there, ewes will be rite pleesed tae ken that az am feeling rite better noo, but ah still haz a black eye, well ah haz too black eyes but wan iz still all bloodee.
Anyways back tae bizziness. Ah finks ah will let ewes into a seekret. Ma Mum iz goin away on a holleedays - thats iz pure fantasstick fur mee and Mollee. No fing iz am no soor where shee iz goin, but ah finks shee said shee wiz havin a hooeeday in a pub!. Eye thats troo! Noo the pub iz called the Bar Seelona. Am no soor wit tipes of holleeday shee will have in a pub, but ah fink there will bee sum drinkin goin on! Mee and Molleee wur pure eeree wiggin (thats listenin in tae udder peepeells biziness fur undedoocated peeepells), and ah herd ma Mum sayin shee wiz sad that shee couldnae go back tae hur favorite place fur the weakend. Noo ah finks shee said hur favorite place wiz a place called Beetroot, an ah have niver in ma hole life herd of a place called that. But ma Mollee wiz pure laffin and says it wiz a place called Bayroot. Ah says that cannee be rite Molleee coz ah finks there iz a warr in Bayroot or sumfin and wit wid ma Mum want tae go back there fur.
See ma Mum wiz in Bayroot ah fink it wiz last weak or sumfin, or maybee it wiz a foo yeers ago, am no soor but that wiz when ma Mum wiz at See. Shee had also bin tae Collumbeeah, noo ah fot that Collumbeeah wiz a Dicktecktive on the tellys, but it turns oot its an udder place that theys have bommers. Noo ah have bin finkin aboot the times ma Mum wiz at See and ah fot shee pure worked on the big Sipps fur tae take peepells on holleedays, but ah finks shee wiz maybees reeelee in the armees coz why else wid shee have bean tae these weerdo placees.
Noo if ah had kent fur wan minit that shee wiz in the armees ah widnae huv boxed wiff the Vet the udder day, ah wid have leff that tae ma Mum.
So mee and Mollees are on an undercover opperashon tae work oot if ma mum wiz a bommer. But eiver way, ah bet shee wiznae az good at dane bommers az mee, and if ewes diznae beeleeve mee, ask the Vet coz ah dun the biggest bommer on him that hee had ever seen in the hole of his life.
Big Presley the bommer iz off fur tae get hiz arrmee kit reddy. xxxx

Floatin like a Butter Fly

Hullo all ewes oot there, ewes will no beeleeve wits happined tae mee. Ah have no bin well.

Noo wit happined wiz thiz. Mee and Mollee wur taken tae the Vet fur tae get wur annual injeckshons - thiz only happins one times a yeer. Well in wees go tae see the vet and ma Mollee wiz pure dane hur shakin steevens impershonashon, so ah had tae bee tuff and show hur ah wiz nae feert. Ah wiz rite tuff and scaree, so the Vet pit a hannibal lecture face mask on mee and ah must admitt ah did look like a rite plonker.

Next fing ah seen the Vet stickin sumfin in ma Mollee's neck and ah swears tae masell it looked like a neeedell. Az says 'oh no wate wan minit ewe are no dane that tae mee' and ah pure started boxing wiff the Vet, like skippy the kangarooo. But see fing iz the Vet fot hee wiz tuff two, mare like tuff tee the squirrell if ewes ask mee. Anyways, next fing ah kens ah wiz pure floatin like a Butter Fly, just befour the ineckshon Stung like a Beee!

Ah diznae ken wit happin tae mee, but ah finks ah wiz drugged or sumfin.

Ah shouted 'hey ya tube az am fallen asleep and ah cannee box ewe if az am asleep. I couldnae bite the Vet, so I dun the nexx best fing an ah pood rite on him, how cool wiz that?

Ah wid tell ewe wit happined nexx, but ah diznae ken, so ah cannee tell ewes. But fing iz, when ah woke up 6 hours laters, ah wiz in ma ane living rooms wiff a blanket on mee like ewe see ill peepells have in a hosspetal. Ah looked in the mirrur and wit did ah see? Well ah seen masell, but udder than that ah had a huge massive black eye. Noo ah kens wit ewes are finkin, ewes are finkin that az am a black dug ah have black eyes, but thiz wiz different, ma eye wiz like fool of blood or sumfin and ah had udder cuts all over ma boddee, jist like ma heeero Mohamed Allee.

Ah herd ma Mum sayin tae ma Dad that she fot she should fone the Vet and ask if the huge cut on his hand wiz better. Ma Mollee wiz pure laffin when shee herd that, coz shee telt mee that ah pure geed the Vet a tankin and ma nail ripped a big hole rite doon hiz hand, and a poo'd on him. Ma Mollleee says it wiz the funniest fing shee had ever seen in the hole of hur life and it took the Vet an hour tae gee mee ma innockulashon. Ah finks that is an udder world reckord set by mee big Presley. Noo ah will show ewes the picktoors of mee, so that ewes will ken how pure ill ah wiz, but dont send mee a get well sooon king presley card, pleese jist send the monee insted.

Thiz is ma black eye

Thiz iz mee bean ill

Cheer up dae

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear... big Presley. Ah have had tae make sum decsions over the past too days aboot fings and ah fot ah wid let ewes ken wit ah have decided.
Noo numbur wan fing. Noo pleese do not bee two disapointed wiff ma first fing, but ah have bin inundated wiff orders fur peepells wantin a Klone of mee, but ah fink i'll no bover tae get Klones of masell, coz ah fink Wan King is enuff fur this world tae cope wiff and anyway ma Mollees wiz greetin coz shee said shee widnae ken wit wan wiz the reel mee. An ah cannee have ma Mollee greetin.
Next fing iz that wees have bin pure upsets coz ma big brover went tae Ranebow Bridge the udder day, so ah fot it wiz time tae cheer everyboddees up. Noo ah fot the best wae fur mee tae do thiz iz by showin ewes sum picktoors of mee and ma Mollee. Ewes can print ma picktoor and stick it up. Noo wate wan minite ah didnae say where ewes wur tae stick it. Ah meens on ewer wall or sumfin. Ah ken its no as good as havin a Klone, but its the next best fing. And ....ah can come an stay wiff ewe fur a sleeep over if ewes have a coot beetch in ewer hoose.
Here is ma picktoors fur ewes


Noo thiz nexx wan iz funnee - look at ma Molleees face, ah wiz shoutin tae hur, 'Mollee az have a big fing fur ewe'. Ah diznae ken wit shee fot it wiz!!!