Dead Hot!

Az wiz lookin at the compootar to see's if az could find anyfin fur ma Mollee fur her xmas, with the extra pocket money az wiz going tae send tae ma babe Lisa Maree, that turns oot isnae ma babe at all. Noo az ewes ken, az haz already bought her a pair of pawcuffs from ma pal Anne Summers shop, theys are dead cool, so az fot that az could buy her sumfin dead hot. Ewes will no believe wit az found. Noo, az iz no wan tae laff at right bad fings that happens tae people, but az couldnae believe wit az wiz reading and az wiz pure dead laffin.

See az does that goooooling thing tae find Mollee a present and az pits in 'Dead Hot', next fing iz, up came this webshite aboot SHC, noo fur aw ewes that are no educated like mees, that stands fur Spontaneous Human Combustion. They calls it that coz people just cremate themselves. Theys say that SHC is an unexplained mystery. Noo az far az am is concerned that is no rite, coz there must be a reason why ewes humans want dae that self cremation fing, probably tae save money and no tae pay fur a hooman undertaker.
Noo az ken that SHC is right popular in yon far East place, like Pakistan and the udder place that is named efter a dug, Afghan-a-Stan. Coz az wiz right laffin when az read that some man oot there wiz riding his bike way a bomb attached tae himsell and he blew himsell up. Az finks his name wiz John. Ewes are all wonderin how az kens that. Well az kens that coz az kens the story, coz theys pit it on his heedstone.

Here lies the body of bicycle John,
His bicycle stopped, but he went on!!

Ma Mollee loves that story and she wets hersell when az tells her that story.
Noo az wiznae finking along the lines of gettin ma Molls a bomb just coz az is lookin for a dead hot present. Az wiz finkin of getting her wan of they seefrew night gowns fings, coz az finks she wid look dead hot in wan of them. But see, az haz a problem, az only haz 23 and a half pence tae spend and theys seefrew night gowns are right expensive. But az finks az haz found the answer tae ma problem. See ma dog choo's come in a clear bag, so az finks az should spend ma money on a choo, and gee Mollee the wrapper. Az will tell her that it iz the latest fashion in seefrew night gowns. Noo az wid be interested tae hear wit ewes finks aboot that?
Az canny wait fur xmas, coz az dont finks ma Molly haz remember tae get me a present, but az iz no bovered aboot that, coz az will look dead sad, and she will say tae me, come on big Presley az will let ewe play leap frog way me. See az iz no az daft az ewes finks.
Big Presley haz left the study, az iz takin care of ma ane business in the gerden. xx