Tear tae a glass eye!!

OMG....az am right down tonight az canny believe wit haz happened. Noo az am no wantin ewes tae feel right sorry fur me or nofin, but az will tells ewes a story that wid bring tears tae a glass eye.
Ewes will no believe wits happened. Noo wit happened wiz thiz. Az wiz checking ma pocket money and az finks az could send aboot 23 and a half pence tae ma babe Lisa Marie, ma puppee and az wiz gettin a right nice wee xmas card fur her. Az iz no very good at writing so az asked ma Mum if she could write Lisa Marees address fur me. But then, az wiz taken aside by ma Mum and she says tae me that az wiznae Lisa Marees dad. Well, az swears tae masell that is just no right, coz az haz been checkin the internet tae find a right good school and everyfin fur her. Then ma Mum tells me, that az couldnae possibly bee her dad coz az hudnae played leap frog way her mum Carra. Az wiz even plannin a party so that me and ma cells mates could wet on the puppees head. But its no tae bee. Az dont ken wit az should dae noo, coz az wiz right lookin forward tae teachin ma babe how tae be a reel Pedigree Princess Lurcher. Well ewe kens wit they says, these fings happens, so az decided just tae play leap frog way may Mollee instead.
Tae get back tae ma story aboot bringing a tear tae a glass eye. Me and Molls were runnin aboot ootside. Molly was yelling catch me if ewe can Presley, so az wiz runnin real fast and az slipped on the ice. Noo az landed so hard on ma crown jewells and that right brought a tear tae my eye!! Noo before ewes all feel right sorry fur me, az jist want tae say, az haznae got a glass eye, and az jist want tae say, after fallin on the crown jewells az iz right glad az didnae have glass bits either, coz theys would have right smashed.
Well az must go and check on ma Molls, she will be right pleased az iz no a dad, coz she wants me awe tae hersell. Maybe az could just make her a wee bit jealous though, and tell her that az wiz in way a chance way Carra. Az finks ma Molls will be more than accommodating tonight. Right..big Presley haz left the study tae play leap frog...Mollee, oh Mollee where are ewe hiding??