Dear Santa

Dear Santa Coz

Az iz told az hud tae rite tae ewe coz az haz been a right good boy and az wants ewe to kens what az wid like fur ma kissmass.

Az wid like awe the fings on this list, but if ewes canny manage awe of them, jist the first 19 will do.

Number Wan. Az wid like tae be able tae go oot fur a pee (that is a number wan), any times az wants, wiffoot havin tae wait fur ma Mum tae open the prison cell door.
Number Too. Az wid like Wizzy tae stop dane hiz number two's on the patio, coz az chooed frew the patio hoze cleaner and it diznae look good if az iz playin leap frog way a number two stuck tae ma shoo.
Free. Az wid like tae keep awe ma pocket money tae ma sell, but az canny, coz fings in the Anne Summers shop is right deer, can ewe fix it fur me tae get ma fings free in there?
Fore. Az huznae got a fore, so az will move ontae number five.
Five. Az iz alive. (see that rimes), Az wants tae ban Greyhound Racing and breedin, coz then there wid be mare beetches living in homes and az could play leap frog wae them.
Six. Az iz wunderin if ewe could gee Six a personality. She is wan of oor cats and she is right miserable. She wiz ma Dads cat fur 250yrs, so thats is why shees is miserable.
Seeven. Can ewes please arrange fur me tae get ma Crown Jewells return tae mee. Thats a big order az kens, but theys wur big Crown Jewells. Theys will end up in a mooseeum like the Elgin marballs.
Ate. Can wees pleese no have yon food that tastes like deed fish. its called Salmon and rice.
Nine. Az huznae got a nine, so can ewe move on tae number 10
Ten. Talkin of Number 10, wit haz Tony frigin Blare done noo? Az haz read hee haz become a Roamin Kaflic. Next fing ewes will see, iz that he is a Jeehovahs Witness, thats jist no right.
Eleven. Az wiz wantin tae gee awe ma beetches a kissmass present, straight fae God. They will kens it is fae God, coz theys will cry oot.. "Oh God, Oh god..." az heard that wance in a movie az wiz watchin.
12. Az canny spell, so can ewe gee me a dicktionary fur ma kissmass tae.
Ferteen. Can ewe pit Derek Acorah ma pal back on Maste Haunted, coz hees haz the kissmass spirit, and ma Molls wets hersell.
14. Can ewe arrange fur awe the dugs in the world tae be saved and sent tae Port Ugal, coz az disnae need any competishon.
15. Can ewe arrange fur ma pal Basil the Brush tae have singing lessons.
16. Can ewe arrange fur ma Mum tae get a face lift.
17. Can ewe arrange fur ma Dad tae wash his socks.
18. Can ewe arrange fur a spook tae come frew on ma Weegi board
19. Can ewe arrange fur me have a few mare brains. BRAINS az said no BAIRNS.
20. Can ewe arrange tae sent ma love tae awe ma beetches fur kissmass.

Love fae Big Presley the Maste handsome Pedigree Lurcher in the Hole World xxx
PS If ewe didnae dae everyfin on ma list, az iz no bothered coz az diznae believe in ewe anyways.