Training Teckneeks fur Humans

Hullo, az haz been busy finking wit az should write in the training section of ma book and I fought az could gee ewes an idea of wit ma training section wid be like.
Hoomans are pure dead easy tae train, after all, just remember theys are only dug dealers. Theys didnae ken wit theys are doin half the time and the udder half of the time, theys is probably just in the spirit of things, and ewes ken wit az means by that!

Noo, first of all, ewes huv tae teach ewer Mum & Dad some simple commands. This is the stand up and get aff ma seat command. Let me gee ewes an example, this wan usually works best during their favorite telly programme or 20 mins before the end of an Epic Movie. Ewe iz lying on the floor and ewes want them to get aff the couch or a chair but theys is no fur movin. So, first ewes get up and stretch, follow that through way a right loud and smelly poomp. Noo see that gets their attention and theys pull funny faces. Then you walk very slowly tae the door and just stand. Noo they will probably tell ewes tae go and lie down, but thats exactly wit it iz ewes is tryin tae dae, just no on the floor. So walk over tae the telly and stand in front of it, so that they canny see it. Noo sometimes that is oz it takes, and coz they canny see the telly they stand up tae see the screen. Thats ewer cue tae take the seat. Noo if this disnae work, walk back tae the door. Just stand there for about 30 seconds and pretend to cry, then walk quickly over tae the nearest bit of furniture and start dane ewer stretchin exercises. Fur the dugs lift ewer back leg, or the beetches can dae squats. This is a right good stretchin exercise, especially if ewes has been lyin on the floor, coz ewes can get right stiff and, it gets ewes ready for a right gid comfy seat. The minute ewes lift ewer leg ewer Mum or Dad (sometimes both), will jump up. Noo theys will probably run tae the door shoutin "quick oot"...but just ignore them and go and take yer seat on the couch or chair. Noo, dont worry aboot them being mad at ewe, cos theys are soooooo relieved that ewe didnae pee on the furniture, theys will sit back doon on the floor until their telly programme is finished. Mission accom..pisshed.

Noo an udder thing wees really enjoy is when wees gets oor bellys rubbed, and the mare people who dae this tae you the better....just make sure they disnae go near the crown jewells, coz thats no nice. This wan is best done by folks who are visitin ewer prison, cos wance they start, ewes will make sure theys disnae stop until its time for them tae leave or their arm falls off way cramp. Wait until theys is sittin doon and go and lie at their feet. Its better tae lie on there feet, that way theys canny eescape. Roll over, and wag ewer tail, that seems tae encourage thems, coz they finks ewes are dead cute. Noo, they should bend doon and start tae rub yer belly, but if theys disnae, just keep pawin them until they do. Totally ignore ewer Mum & Dad tellin ewe no tae dae that, coz if they keeps sayin that, they will just look like right bad peepells in front of their visitors. This works right well on wumin way tights on, coz they disnae want ewes tae rip their 60 denier. Just keep repeating this action every time theys stop rubbin. This is such a good fing tae do, ewes can even fall asleep gettin this done tae ewes. See hoomans pays a right lot of money tae huv that done at wan of they romantherapissts, but az disnae trust anywan who's job end way a pisst!

That will gee ewes all somfin tae work on, and tomorrow az is goin tae gee ewes mare hints on how tae train hoomans.
Big Presley has left the study tae get a comfy seat. Takin Care of Business xx