Presleys Guide Tae Training

Az promised ewes that az wiz gony gee all ma pals a few training tips, so here theys are:

1.Efter ewer hoomans gees ewe a baff, don't let them towel ewe dry, cos awe yur hair will stand on end! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry ewersell on the sheets. This is right good if it's right nice clean sheets and before ewer hooman's beedtime.
2.Act like the convicted criminal that ewes is. When ewer hoomans come hame, pit ewer ears back, with tail between ewer legs and chin down, and act az if ewes have done somfin really bad. Then, watch as the hoomans frantically search the hoose fur the damage they fink ewes have caused. Note: This works best when ewes havnae done anyfin wrang.
3.Let the hoomans teach ewe a brand new trick, coz ewes will get loads of hotdogs when theys is training you. Learn it perfectly. Then the hoomans try tae demonstrate it tae wan of their pals, stare blankly back at the hoomans and pretend ewe have nae ideer what theys is talking aboot.
4. Help your hoomans learn patience. When ewe go outside to 'pee', sniff around the entire exercise yard as ewer hoomans wait. Act as if the spot ewe choose tae pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth. This works real well if ewer hooman is in a hurree.
5.Draw attention tae the hooman. When ewer out fur a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot tae 'poo.' Take ewer time and make sure everywan watches. This works right well if ewer hoomans have forgotten tae bring a poo bag.
6.When out fur a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange hooman walks by, theys will finks that ewer hoomans are right cruel tae ewe.
7. When playin in the exercise yard, don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with ewer hoomans. Make them go and chase it once in a while, coz theys are just bean lazy.
8. Hide from ewer hoomans when theys come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to ewe. Noo don't come oot until wan of ewer hoomans is panic-stricken and close to tears, thats so funnee.
9. When ewer hooman calls ewe tae come back in fae the exercise yard, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back tae the door, and watch the faces ewer hoomans pull at ewes.
10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go aff and make the hoomans take ewe oot for yur morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, get back intae bed quickly and fall asleep. Hoomans canny fall back asleep after going outside in the freeezin cold, this will drive them nuts!
11. Always lick the crown jewells, or surrounding area, when ewer hooman has their pals in, then goes up and lick their pals on the hand. Remember this works best when theys have a right gid view of wit ewe are dane, and make right loud noises when ewes are dane it.
Az hopes this will help oz of ma pals oot there, get the most fae their hoomans.
Big Presley haz left the study, tae go oot fur a pee. Takin Care of Business xx