Presleys ane Perfume!!

Yesterday az wiz tellin ewes aboot ma pal DA and how hees is possessed way the spirits fae a bottle, but todays az is going tae tell ewes aboot ma other pal Barry Humphries. Az know him as Hump, cos that iz a right cool name.

Anyways, az wiz reading the Sunday Mail the other day, az thinks it wiz probably on Tuesday, and az sees an advert fur ma pal Hump. Hees is appearing at the SECC as part of a comedy thing in Glesga. Noo az dont ken if any of ewes kens ma pal Hump, but hees like pure dead funny coz he like gets possessed by other people tae. He gets possessed by a beetch called Dame Edna, but the wan that az likes the best, is when hees is possessed by a ghoul called Sir Les Patterson. See coz like, he is the only 'Les' thats no on Channel 5!!! That reminds me of a right funnee fing az sees on the telly, when a geezer wiz asked to name a 'Bean' and he says 'Baked Bean' but they widnae allow that coz someone else had already said that, so he changes his answer tae Les Bean!! I right laffed ma socks off at that answer, that wiz so funnnnnnnnee!! Ewes will no be surprised tae learn that Les Bean wiznae the right answer!

Anyways ma pal Hump haz his ane official website coz hees is the Chairman of the Australian Cheese Board. Noo hees diznae bother too much aboot being PC, noo az dont mean a personal compootar, az is meaning Politically Correct, coz he diznae care who he like offends and az finds that so funnnnnnee, cos the whole world haz gone nuts tryin no tae upset anyone. He is a bit like aw they beetches whoose are selling their fragrance wae their name on it. Coz Hump has his ane fragrance and if ewes stand close tae him ewes can smell it!! Hees haz also decided tae look after himsell, so hees haz cut doon on smoking and drinking. Hees only smokes 60 a day noo and wan bottle of whisky, so I guess hees will be lookin right cool when az sees him next march.

Az haz got tae go the noo, coz az is makin ma ane fragrance here in the study. Az will be back later. Big Presley haz left the study....he is takin care of business in the gerden!! x

Introducing DA, starring in Aladdin

Az seems to have confoosed some people when az wiz talkin aboot ma pal Derek Acorah, (az will call him DA fae noo on), cos theys didnae ken who is wiz. So az fought I should explain tae all ewes uneducated people wit it is az is talkin aboot, cos hees is nofin like ma pal Syco.

He is yon geezer fae the telly, and he does that programme Maste Haunted. Noo az haz never met him before, but az thinks az will need tae have a word in his shell like, cos although az finks hees is the funniest thing az seen since ma Mum was bitten by Ivy, az thinks he has right lost the plot. See, me and ma Molls sit up right late intae the night watchin Maste Haunted. Az loves it, but Molly is scared, and she covers her eyes, ESP..cially when DA gets possessed wiff spirits.

Noo fur all ewes who huvnae seen Maste Haunted, its on wan of they telly channels fae Scotland, called the Isle of Skye, or Skye for short. Thats a right good way fur geezers fae Skye tae earn a livin, making spooky telly programmes, at least theys is leavin the sheep alone!

Noo, see this Maste Haunted is like the Panto Aladdin! Ewes have the main character Aladdin, he is played by ma pal DA. Ewes have Widow Twankey who is played by Evette Fielding (fae Blue Peter). Ewes huv the Genie who is also played by my pal DA, and ewes huv Wishee Washee, who is Evette Fieldings leap frog partner, and hees is also the Producer.

This is wit happens, theys goes along tae a right spookee lookin hoose, a bit like ma prison here, and theys wanders aroond the place in the dark looking fur ghouls. Widow Twankey then introduces Aladdin and she asks him if he can feel any ghouls! Thats when hees grabs his bottle and gees it a rub (before drinking the spirit contents), and oot comes the Geenee!! Aladdin is totally possessed by the Spirit oot the bottle by this point, and hees pits on a brilliant voice. Now ewes will no believe wit he does next! He starts rubbin his paws together sayin things like, "aye is the Master and ewe is the Wench" (wench is an udder word for beetch), and then he starts to feel Widow Twankey Teets! YUCK!! Aye this is true!! Wishee Washee then appears fae oot the dark and gees the Geenee a right tankin fur touchin up his Mrs!! Az is laughin ma socks off by this point. Wishee Washee then distracts us from the fact that hees has just beat up the Geenee, by chucking stones aboot the Haunted Hoose. Thats why he is called the 'Producer', cos hees is the producer of the stones! Ewes will need tae watch this sumetime, its the best comedy panto on the telly.

Az hopes this clears up who DA is fur ewes and although at wan time he wiz a respected Spooky man, he blew it when he agreed tae join the cast of Aladdin in Maste Haunted.
Big Presley has left the study, az is on a mission tae find a ghoul. Oh.....Mum where are you??

Fooneral of a Skunk

Hullo, as iz no very happy today, cos as has just found oot that ma Mum & Dad went tae meet ma pal big Dennis the soundman and didnae take me along. Noo, as has found out that ma Mum & Dad, were away making they weerdo movies again, this time theys wur in a Pet Cemetery. A swear tae masell, that wan day ma Mum will star in a Stephen King movie. Anyways, as wiz checkin oot the fotaes they took at the Cemetery and ah sees that ma old pal Dennis huz buried the deed squirrel on a stick and he hus a black thing on a stick noo. As thinks this must be a deed skunk or somfin. Theys telt me it wiz called a 'boom', and lets face it, if somewan stuck a pole up ewer back bottom, you wid go Boom aswell!! See this fotae, thats ma pal Dennis on the left, Mick the producer in the middle, Jim on the camera, and the deed skunk at his feet on the right!













Az also found oot that yon geezer that is called the Syco Barber wiz with them. Az thinks on a Sunday he goes undercover and calls himsell Gordon Smith. Az didnae ken why hees is called a Syco Barber, probably cos hees uses a machette or somfin tae cut hair and makes a right mess of it. Az need tae warn ma beetch Jenna wae the long hair no tae go tae him, in case he diznae dae a good job and anyways, az can pit up way her long hair, it gees me somfin tae hold on tae when wees is playin leap frog!

Noo I heard ma Mum sayin that the geezer, the Syco Barber is a right smart guy cos he, like, communicates wiff the deed. Noo that wid make sense as tae why he wiz talkin tae ma Mum, cos everytime az looks at hur, as thinks she looks like she died a few years ago!
Az haz read some of the Sycos books, no aboot cuttin hair, but the wans that hees talks aboot the efter life and az thinks he is real cool, cos he disnae make things up and he like, 'feels' if there is beetches around. Noo, az is a bit like that, cos az 'feels' if there are beetches around me, 'esp' ...cially, all the wans that wants tae play leap frog wae me, big Presley the King! Az haz decided that az is going tae allow the Syco Barber tae be ma pal and wees can share oor stories aboot 'feeling' the beetches around us. Az will let ewes ken hows az gets on wae ma new pal, and when his new book comes oot aboot feeeelin beetches. Az reckons its going tae be a right cool book, but az hope az didnae end up in his book fur a right long time. Big Presley is away off feelin his beetches! Ewes can check oot ma pals website on http://www.thepsychicbarber.co.uk/

Ma noo Beetch and Mr Mudpie!!

Hullo, its me big presley here again. Well it widnae be anywan else cos it is ma blog. Right noo, as huz got that cleared up, as just wantin tae tells ewes wit a right good day a hud. This has tae be wan of the best days as has ever hud in the hole of ma life. Noo wit type of day do ewes think ah wid think wiz a good day? Well, as likes a right good mixture of being way ma Molls, ma Mum & Dad, a wee drink, a day oot of the open prison, and loads of beetches. Today az had the lot!!
Me and Molls got taken oot in the Pet Hearse again and wees didnae ken where wees wur going, but wees travelled fur aboot 8 hours and wees arrived at a place called.....well, it diznae matter wit it wiz called, but it wiz a park. Ah sees ma old pal Toby McKay, so that wiz right cool, its always a right releef tae see that hees is still aroond, and his Mum hasnae done him in.
Then az sees a sight and ah fot az had died and gone tae heaven!! Az found a real beetch! Noo she wiz a bit hairy, but az didnae mind that, cos as wiz readin that wumin in Germany are right hairy tae! So as wiz thinkin this beetch must be, like Europeen or sumfin. Az fot she wid be called Heidi or somfin, cos as thinks that is a German type name, but she wiz called Jenna, as guess that wiz pretty close tae ma original guess.
Here is ma new beetch Jenna, noos ewes can look but no touchin. Noo fur ewes way bad eyesight as knows Jenna wiz a real cool beetch, cos shes has 'beetch' written on her collar.









Noo as has tae keep masell in tip top condition for all the beetches to like me so much, and az haz tae work oot in the exercise yard everyday. Noo, ewes all ken just how handsome az is, but let this next picture be a warning tae ewes all, wit will happen if ewes didnae look after yersells. I dont ken wit type of Lurcher this dug is, and I guess he probably looked alright before the 2nd bus hit him, but check oot the nick of this dug!! Az is the wan on the right by the way!! Ewes will no believe wit this dug is called. He is called Mr Mudpie! Thats no right surely?









This get mees thinkin, and me and ma pal Casper (there somfin spooky aboot ma pal Casper), and another new beetch of mine, she is called Lilly Twinkle (dont ask me where that name came fae!!) wees had wan of they conference things (no a pear, cos there wiz 3 of us) aboot Mr Mudpie havin a bit of the old cosmetic surgery done!

Plonker Award!!

Well ello awe ewes oot there, as is back. I wiz busy yesterday so as couldnae post, and as wiz nearly at the Vet again cos as hurted masell laffin, cos ma sides were so sore fae laffin at ma Mum's stooopidity. I wiz gona get ma Mum nominated fur a Darwin Award. Noo fur awe of ewes uneducated wans oot there, a Darwin Award is this: named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards represent examples of evolution in action by showing what happens to stoopid peepells who are unable to cope with the basic dangers of the modern world. These ironic tales of fatal misadventure illustrate some of life's most important lessons.
Noo as ma Mum is alive, only just, she canny get a Darwin Award, but as wiz thinkin, she certainly deserved the Plonker Award. A Plonker Award is named in honor of the mother of stoopidity!
Wee's hus an inmate here at the open prison called Ivor or Ivy for short, cos hee's has some tendencies!! Anyways, he is a real nut job and hee's is probably in prison fur murder of somfin, and hee's has tae keep his Hannibal Lectar face mask on awe the time. Two nights ago Ivy got a treat, cos he hadnae bit anywan fur about three days. After he wiz finished his treat ma Mum fot it wid be a good idea tae rub Ivys tum. Noo that wiz where she went wrang! Cos see, Ivy is so dangerous cos he diznae gee peepells any warning that hee's is aboot tae bite. He like, right catches peepeels off their guard, as hud taught him that efter a hud watched Mohammed Ali fight. Fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee! Way tae go big man!!

So next thing hee's grabs ma Mums hand and tells her tae get hersell tae .......! Maybees he fot she wiz gona check oot his crown jewells or sumfin. Ma Mum pulls her hand back at like 2,000 mph, leaving behind half her skin in his moof! Brilliant eh?? Az wiz laffin cos of the faces she wiz pullin, she looked like a Pit Bull chewin a Wasp, but then she says "I'm sorry Ivy"!! Like she wiznae bovered!! Brilliant, shee's wiz apologising tae Ivy fur near maulin her tae death.

Mum hud tae go tae the Vets tae get her hand all fixed up and a bandage pit on it, and I wiz right laffin when as foond oot she hud tae get an injection in her bak bottom!! As fought ewes wid like tae see wit big Ivy looks like and show ewes a picktoor of wit happened in slow motion this time. Noo a canny says that nae peepells wiz hurt in the makin of this fotograff, cos there wiz!!!

Nae Danger, these ur True Stories!!

Noo as ewes all ken, as am right smart, cos as is a Pedigree Lurcher. Lots of ma beetches wants tae ken wit it is as diz wiz ma time when as is no dane time! Well as like tae spend ma time funding oot wit is going on in the world, cos that is hows a keep masell right clever. Otherwise as wid end up way a brain the size of a pee. No the type of pee ma Molls does, as is talking aboot the size of a mushy pee. As thought ah wid telt ewes some right true stories, from aroond the world and ewes will see how stoopid some folk can be.

Noo this first story is aboot a man form Samburu, (no tae be confused with the car), which for awe ewes uneducated folk is North of Nairobi, Kenya, Africa. This man wiz wan of they nomad types, which tae me is a contradiction in terms, cos 'no mad' isnae how ah would describe him. He wiz walkin up the road, (as thinks he wiz at the pub), but next thing is, he is attacked by a Lion! Noo, that widnae happen tae us walking hame from the pub (ewes are mare likely tae be stabbed), but this man lives in Afrika, so its kinda normal fur them tae be mugged by a lion. He only went and kilt it way his bare hands!! I guess ewes could say he was right lucky no tae huv been eaten alive. But thats no the funnee fing!! Guess wit happened next? The Hyenas came oot to eat the Lion, but theys attacked the man instead. Attacked twice in the wan day, noo if it wiznae fur bad luck, this man widnae huv any luck at all!!. But see they Hygenas theys are right smart, cos they obviously seen the man kill the Lion way his bare hands, so wit did they goes and do, but eat his hands and feet!! So he couldnae kill them. He wiz left fur dead, wae no hands and nae feet (see he wiz legless, thats hows as knows he wiz at the pub). His pals took him to the hospital, but he died two days later. Moral of this story, if ewes drink too much at the pub, ewes end up legless!

This next story will be of interest tae all the dug dealers oot there, cos maste dug dealers that ah kens likes aw types of animals. This wiz aboot a man in Kansas City (thats in America), and ewes will no believe wit he wiz dane. he had only gone and got himself a pet Frog! YUCK. But waits till as tells ewes wit he wiz dane way his frog! This is disgusting, no fur the faint hearted!! He wiz lickin it....!! Noo what the ....... is that aw aboot! How did he no just gee it a bath like most normal peepells wid huv done. It turns oot this frog had a right funny name, he wiz called a Highly-hallucinogenic frog. Thats a right posh name fur a frog. Moral of this story, if your pet needs a wash, pit him in a bath, cos if ewes lick him clean, ewes will be pit in prison!!

Noo as has read another story, this wan is from China, but as will need tae dae ma homework first cos this wan is right disgustin. See ma Dad has long hair and he ties it back in a pony tail. You ken the type, hees can walk doon the road and get a wolf whistle from the brickies, cos theys thinks he is a right bootifool beetch, then he turns aroond and theys sees he is a bloke. Anyway as has just read that in China theys are making hair bands fae used Condoms!! What is that all aboot?? As is gone tae huv tae go and check exactly wit ma Dad is usin tae tie his hair back wiff. Big Presley has left the study, as is checkin oot the hairbands!! xx

A Stoat'in True Story!

Ewes widnae believe wits happened doon here at the open prison...this wiz so funny as fot as should tell ewes aboot it. Ewes kens how ma Molls is the number wan Moose Hunter in the World, well ok, probably just in oor exercise yerd. Every night ma Molls goes oot armed wae her ain teeth, lookin fur a moose for us tae keep as a pet, like Mr Jingles. Noo ewes kens she aye ends up killin oor pet by mistake, but she keeps tryin and wan day I'm sure wee's will huv oor ane Mr Jingles and he will no be deed.

There are millions of wee furry things oot here in the country and wees is just wantin wan tae call oor very ane. As wiz askin ma Mum if wees could get a cat or sumfin, but she said No all cos of ma Molls track record of killin things. A tried tae explain to ma Mum that me and Molls would grow up mentally unstable and probably huv tae have wan of they Frontal Lobotomee fings, if wees didnae huv oor ane pet, but she wiznae bovered and she says that she fot ah already had a Frontal Lobotomee!!. Well that is choice comin from hur, as ewes are aboot tae learn.

A geezer comes tae the open prison and he tells ma Mum he wiz fae the Cooncil and he wiz there tae lay traps for wee furree fings. So as wiz thinkin tae masell that ma Mum wiz gony get me and Molls a Mr Jingles fur wur Christmas or sumfin. Then as heard ma Mum tellin this geezer that she fought theys wur rats!! No wae man. Nae buddy telt me that they wee furree fings wiz rats!! This geezer agreed way ma Mum that cos Tom & Barbara Good, next door hus chickens, that wees could be sharin oor exercise yerd way Rats. Az is no stayin in a place where there is Rats! But then ma Mum telt him that ma Molls keeps killin oor Mr Jingles. This geezer then said..."oh didnae worry then, you'll no huv rats if ewes huv mice, cos the rats would huv ate the mice". This wid right pit ewes aff yer dinner, but its true! Mum, said, well come and look round the front of the house, there is markings which I think is Rat Tracks. Noo, me and Molls couldnae see wit wiz gone on, but wees could hear.
The geezer telt ma Mum that it wiznae a Rat Track, is wiz the track of a Stoat!! He telt ma Mum, ewe definately didnay huv rats if ewes have a stoat, cos theys eats the rats!! OMG, this is like a hole Biology lesson and wees huvnae even been tae school!! Well me and the Molls wiz laffin oor heeds aff, cos ma Mum looked so stoopid going on aboot rats!! She wiz right pleased tae hear that wee's didnae huv rats in oor open prison cos wees had a stoat!! Halleluyah, then came the punch line. Ma Mum looks at this geezer and said "Oh, wees fought it wiz rats and wees has poisoned the stoat" Isnt that brilliant. So noo the same geezer hus tae come back next week again tae make sure, the frigin rats huvnae moved in cos ma Mum only went and kilt the fing that wiz keeping them away. Me and Molly wiz laffin so much, Molly pee'd hersel again! And tae think ma Mum finks as had hud a Frontal Lobotomee...!!!

Fooneral of a Squirrel

As wiz tellin ewes wit happened tae me when the BBC were filmin at oor open prison here in Lan Ark. As thinks BBC stands fur Best Beetch Contest. So as wiz sittin fur hoors all ready to meet the beetches. As wiz lookin right cool man, except fur the fact that ma Mum had pit that horrid, purple and gold foonereal looking collar on me! Noo thats no funnee, cos as dont want ma beetches to think that am no cool.
As wiz getting all ma best chat up lines ready for the beetches and as wiz practising on ma Molls.

As thought as could use some of ma best chat up lines like:
"Dae ewe ken wit wid look good on ewe..? an I wid say ME!!
"Dae ewe ken the difference between a game of leap frog and a game of fitba" an I wid say "Come wae me and az will show ewe"
"As wonder wit oor puppies wid look like, dae ewe want tae find oot?"

As thinks these are ma best chat up lines and sure tae win the heart of any beautiful beetch. Ma Molls is laffin like mad, well she is gona be mad, when she see's me way an udder beautiful beetch and that will wipe the smile aff her face.
Ma Mum, finally comes to get me, so's as takes a right deep breath and yells Geronimo, here is me big Presley the King!!! Where is awe the beetches?? Doh, wit is going on here, there isnae a beetch in sight!! There wiz only a geezer wae the clap thing, you know that thing theys put infront of a camera and they snap it shut and says "Ackshon". The geezer way the right posh lookin camera, and the geezer way the deed squirrel, way the pole stuck up his jacksy. Noo as is feelin like as has been conned here, and thats no funnee. Ma Molls is laffin, she finks az is looking right stoopid!!
Next thing as knows is Me, the Molls and ma big black Minder Mac, are being put intae ma Dads Pet Hearse! The geezer way the deed squirrel is sitting in the front of the Hearse. Maybees wee's is gone tae a fooneral fur the squirrel or sumfin. As looks as the geezer way the deed squirrel and I fought his face could dae way a wash! So ah geed him a right good face wash, and ah even cleaned oot his ears, cos as thought theys could dae way a wash too!! Noo, as ken that naebuddy likes tae huv their face washed, especially by a dug who has just checked oot the crown jewells, but this geezer was giggling like ma Molls does, when as plays leap frog way her!! A fought this geezer is right enjoyin me dane this and that wiznae right!! As is no some weerdo! So ah stopped washin him, and went back to ma job of makin sure ma minder, big Mac was clean aroond the nether regions!! Cos see hee's is black and sometimes he canny see if hee's has got bits of YUCK stuck tae his back bottom!! As didnae want tae been seen in public way a minder way a dirty back bottom!
Wees goes tae a place called Biggar, well it isnae Biggar than me, in fact the place wiz closed. I thinks that MI6 and the MFI agents must have cleared the place cos, wee's the Royal Femily wiz due tae visit.
Anyways, I wiz filmed walkin up and doon the road like some kind of demented nutjob prizoner just let oot fur the day!! It wiz then that a found oot that the BBC wiznae a contest for the best beetch, but theys wiz some British Company that make docoomentarys aboot prizoners of war. But as is going tae be on the Tellys, and maybee's it will be proved that as is innocent of all charges and I will be freed!! As will let ewes all ken when tae watch ewer tellys, and all ewes beetches oot there will need tae apply in writing fur tae spend the night way me!
Big Presley has left the building, tae check fur fan mail x

Takin the Lead Role!

As has already written this blog thing fur today, but as wiz readin it again and as didnae like it, so as is writing it again.
See a couple of months ago, as hud been listen to ma Mum talking tae some geezer that wiz in oor hoose. Noo, as didnae ken who this geezer wiz, and a didnae ken if ma Dad kent that an udder geezer wiz in oor hoose when hee's wiz at his work. Noo am no a grass, (unless its ma Molls dane somefin that a could be blamed fur), but as wiz just worried that some geezer wiz wantin tae cut ma Dads grass. Anyways, I heard him telt ma Mum that he wiz fae the BBC and theys wiz wantin tae make a movie aboot ma Mum, AND he wiz wantin tae include the dugs here at the prison, especially me, the King! Well, as thought tae masell, I wiz right all alang, this geezer is tryin tae get ma Mum tae dae weerdo fings. Az iz no gony get involved in anythin like that!
So, as asked ma Molls wit the BBC wiz, and she didnae ken. I telt you she is fick. Well, see, I sat and fot aboot it, and then it hit me!! BBC obviously stood fur, Best Beetch Contest!! Way to Go big Man Presley, as says to masell.
Noo as heard this geezer tellin ma Mum that theys wiz gona film hear at ma prizon!! So as thinks tae masell that if aw these beetches wur coming here as better get masell squared up, and loose the Molls. I didnae want no beetches thinkin as wiz merit to the Molls and miss ma chances of playin leap frog wiff them.
As didnae need tae work hard tae look as good as a dae, cos as wiz born right handsome, as a is the King. I fot that if as just had a bath or sumfin that wid dae me. As goes oot in the rain and gets masell all wet, that wiz as near tae a bath as I wid get. Mum only went and dried me wae a towell, and as ended up lookin as though, someone hud stuck an electricity pylon up ma jacksy and switch the power on!! That wiznae the look as wiz gone fur, aw ma hair wiz standin on end!. So as spent the rest of the night tryin tae get ma lovely coat smoofed back doon!! Ma Mum must huv fot that she wiz been right funnee. Well as will no be huvin a bath fur another couple years efter that eggspeereeanse!!
As spent the rest of ma time workin oot in the exercise yard, so that I wiz all toned up. As wiz lookin brilliant and ready to play leap frog wae the beetches in the contest. As says bring it on! When the BBC came to oor hoose theys brought massive cameras, and some geezer called Dennis, hud a deed squirrel wae a pole shoved up its jacksy, that he kept sticking in everywans faces when they said somfin! Wit is that all aboot? How can ewes concentrate on lookin good, when some geezer keeps pokin ewe in the face wae a deed squirrel?? As tried tae look right cool, as didnae want to seem too keen, cos that could pit ma beetches off. As just sat and waited, and waited, and waited and waited and as waited all day!! Noo as may be cool, but as no that cool. So as started yellin at them tae get the beetches intae ma cell. Well, ewes are no gona believe wit happened next, and neither did eye! I wiz tells ewes all aboot it the morra. Big Presley has left the building cos as has business tae dae in the gerden!

PLO founded in Lanark

How are ewe's all doin today? As hus been real busy since I last telt you about me and Molls dane a Weegi Board. A fund a website called Freinds Reunited, and as wiz lookin tae see if there wiz some cool beetches on it that wanted to be ma friend, but it turns oot that there wiznae any dugs on it, let alone beetches! So it got mees thinking that a could start ma ane website called the PLO. Pedigree Lurchers Only, but its no tae be confused way they other nut jobs from the Middle East, cos theys hate the big noses, so as guess theys widnae like Pedigree Lurchers cos wees has big noses!
Anyways, as wiz looking through some old photographs fur tae post on PLO, and as haz found wan that I fought ewes wid like tae see, cos its so funnee. I wiz wonderin if ewes can work oot who it is in the photo. As am the wan in the top photo. Noo as will gee ewes all a clue!! He anit heavy..........!!

........he's ma brover!! Way to go man its Aaron!! Noo ewes will see he's no nearly as handsum as me, and he's no nearly as cliver as mees is, but ewes know wit they say about choosing yur pals, but ewes canny choose yur femily.





Ma Mum still greets cos she geed him away tae an udder family, but a telt her tae pull hersel together cos there is only room fur wan king in this family! Wan King.....!! Molls is pure dead laffin cos as wrote Wan King. She thinks as is pure dead funny!! Anyways, I'm right pleesed ma brover is dane so well fur himsel, cos I didnae think he wid survive way oot me tae give him guidance, so he has probably turned oot as thick as Mums mince!, but as canny help that. I miss you bruv, but as is still the King! I guess as there is only two Pedigree Lurchers in the whole of the world, me and ma bruv, there disnae seem much point in huvin a website to wur sells.

WEEGI BOARD's

As am often asked ma opinion on right weird stuff, like, neurosurgery, UFO's and, if there Life After Death!! Noo, a mur an intelligent dug, I like to way up all the facts before as gives ma answers to right difficult questions. Many people ask me aboot Life After Death, cos theys think like am a God or sumfin. Well for the record I can categorically state that there definately IS LIFE AFTER DEATH. Noo, a can PROVE this to ewes, cos if any of ewes seen ma Mum first thing in the morning ewes would know exactly wit as wiz talkin aboot! Ewes didnae need tae be a Scientist or have a Sixth Sense to see it fur yersells. I have even tried to capture this horrific imagine, of the walkin deed on ma camera, but so far, as have broken 3 cameras trying tae dae this!

Ewes can ask millions of people if wees dugs and cats have a sixth sense and theys will all agree wee's do. All the frigin Scientists in the world huvnae managed to prove that there is wan FAKE amongst us!! Ma wee pal Olly the cat, has mare sixth sense than any other cat I ken. I know this to be true cos, he runs and hides from folk before theys have even gone into his prison cell. Noo that is real cool.

At Halloween as says to ma Molls come on wee will have a WEEGI board, and ma Molls thought that wiz a right cool idea. She said tae me "who will be on the Weegi Board?" Wit are ewe talking aboot Molls?!? Wit dae yae mean who will be on it??? I dont know who will be on it until wees do it! I gets masell a right big piece of cardboard wae letters on it. Ma Molls wanted to know wit as wiz dane. She fought I wiz gone to write to people tae invite them on tae ma Weegi board, but as hud tae explain that wees just hud tae wait and see wit ghosts wanted to talk tae us from the 'udder side'. Then ma Molls said that she thought a Weegi Board wiz like some sort of Committee made up of folk fae Glesga, cos folks fae Glesga are sometimes called Weegi's, by the peepells from Edinburger!! Ma Molls is right bootifool, but she is as fick as ma Mums mince!!

Noo as hud seen ma pal Derek Acorah dane a Weegi board on the TV show, Most Haunted. He is so cool, he keeps getting possessed by Spirits, and then keeps talkin aboot takin Snuff (which is like LSD) Between ewes and me, az finks ma pal Derek has had wan spirit two many before he started his Weegi board!!
I gets a glass doon aff the counter in wur cell, and pit it on ma Weegi board. As then hud tae pit on a right spooky yell tae summons the ghosts. A yells at them, knock twice for Yes and wance for No. Ewes will no beeleeve wit happened!! I swear tae masell, we heard two loud knocks on the wall. OMG!! Man how cool wiz that. I was right laughin when ma Molls pee'd hersel. Ma Molls was greetin by this time, she didnae want tae play any more!! So a yells again and, another two knocks on the wall. I just wished a hud had all that fancy recording equipment that Derek Acorah uses to prove that there are ghosts, cos as could have been dead rich when I sold ma storee. Molls is right cryin her eyes oot noo, she telt me tae stop it, but a fot it was so cool, a wanted to find oot who wiz knocking on the wall.
A yells wan mare time, and wur cell door flew open!! In came ma Mum, and she said "I am not going to tell you again Presley, go to your bed and when I knock on the wall that means GO to bed". Oh No....heres me and the Molls finkin wee's had made contact wae a ghost and it wiz only the ghoul in the next room watchin the telly!!

Me and the Molls huvnae tried the Weegi board since, but as huvnae given up tryin tae prove that there is Life after Death, and as soon as a dae, ewes will be the first tae know. In the meentime, for all ewes septics oot there who dinny believe in Life After Death, gets yersells aroond tae our open prizon early in the mornin an see ma Mum!
Big Presley takin care of business, ghost huntin in the gerden! x

Never mind countin Sheep wit aboot Geese!

As canny work oot wit ewes hoomans are all aboot! I wiz lookin at a website aboot dugs & beetches, cos a wanted to see if theys had like a datin section, like a lonelee harts tipe thing. Az is no lonely cos as have ma Molls tae keep me companee, but wan day she is gonae be too old tae play leep frog way me and I fots ah should get ma sell known wiff a few udder 'lonelee' beetches. On this website theys had a bit that said what type of job would yur dog or beetch do if he wiz to go tae work!! What the ......, is that all aboot?? Wee's dont need to go to work, ewes day that, we stay in prison, and eat, sleep and play awe day.

So it gets mee's thinking, just what a shower of nujobs ewes hoomans reallee are, and as looked into wit types of jobs there wiz available. Noo I wiz a bit concerned when as found oot that ma Mum wiz a Pet Undertaker, what tipe of job is that? loony tune eh?
Well then, as see's a bit on ma Compootar aboot a guy who coounted Geese! We has millions of them been flying over oor prizon the last few weeks, and wiz wantin to find oot how easy it wiz tae fly. That would be a right cool way to eescape from ma prsion.

As a wiz readin aboot them, and as discovered that theys have flown all the way from Iceland, thats a right long way, theys must be rite sleepee by the times they get tae Lan Ark. Az guess theys are coming doon here fur Christmas dinner or somfin. Well no fur tae sit and eat dinner, like wee's do, but tae be stuffed up the jacksy and pit on a plate!! If as were them I wid have stayed where theys were, and frozen tae death! Seems better than having anythin stuffed up the old jacksy!
Then as see's that some plonker reckons that 17,000 migrate here every winter!! Noo what is that all aboot? Wit tipe of persun applied for a job coountin Geese? Huv ewes ever tried to even coount how many frigin birds are in yur gerden? Its nearly impossible, cos theys all look the same and everytimes you coount to aboot 6, they fly aroond and ewes huv tae stert all over again. So as been thinking that the guy who said he coounted Geese was talking a load of rubbish..!!! Wit are wees meant tae believe? Who paid him tae coount Geese? Noo am no Political, but as thinks it wiz probably Tony Blair.

Its like yon guy who discovered that ewes could get milk oot of they massive crown jewells! Wit possessed him to even see wit would come oot of there??? And, wit really gets me, is what possessed him to drink it?? YUCK

Anyways, as must go noo, cos as have got tae get on wae ma business. Elvis has left the study! x

EMERGENSEE YELL

As cannee believe az have had to wait awe day for a wee shot on ma compootar, cos az have reallee important informashon for all the dugs and beetches oot there.

Ewes must all know the story aboot the 'boy who cried wolf', that wiz a right funny story, me and the molls had a right good laff aboot how stoopid the boy wiz. See, I tells ma Molls that she shouldnae tell any lies, cos Mum & Dad will no beeleeve hur when shes is telling the troof. Me on the other paw, well I fot of a way aroond this problem, and az is going to share my seekret with ewes, so that ewes didnae get cot oot like the boy who cried wolf.

Right this is what I wants ewes all tae do. Ewes have to have different sounding yells to get yur Mum & Dads attenshon. Pick aboot 3 or 4 different yells, cos ewes dinnae want to huv too many or your stoopid parents will no be able to tell the difference. Ma Mum calls ma yells, barks! Barks, that wid be a good name for ma Mums pal Tree!
Az have wan yell fur when as is hungree, wan yell fur when as needs a pee, and wan for an emergensee! Ma Mum calls this ma cliping bark, cos a huv had tae use it when ma Molls is doin somefin right bad. Ma F....Mum kens ma different barks, and if she knows as is hungree or just needin a pee she just wanders in tae see me, like there is nae rush. Thats why a hud tae develop ma third yell, and when as does this, ewes wid think that someone had shoved a ton of rocket fuel behind her!! I laff when as see's her runnin like that, wi a look of sheer horrur on her face....its priceless and so funnee.

Noo I like to keeps ma emergency yell for real important things, like when Molls does somefin rang and I wants to see her gettin into bother from Mum. But wan day it kinda all went a bit rang fur me. Wit happen wiz this, as wiz playin hide and seek with ma Molls. I did the hiding and she did the seeking. So I fund a right cool place to hide. As decided to hide up on the unit in the wee room aft oor prison cell. (I think ma Mum calls it a utility room, when she is tryin to impress her poor pals). Anyways, as jumps up on to the unit, cos underneaf the unit is the washin machines! Aye wee's has two washin machines, cos wee's didnae want oor blankets washed in wey ma Dads socks, cos they stink! Ma Mum had left a basket thing fool of washin, so I wiz hiding behind that.

I wiz laffin like mad, cos ma Molls couldnae fund me and she wiz getting right upset, cos she is nae good at this game. Wit the ....... dae ewes think she went and did....only, went off in the huff and went moose huntin and left mee's hiding ma sell. Noo, ah dont know if any of ewes have ever tried to play hide and seek yersel, but its no fun. Its a bit like the time a played Eye Spy on ma ane, and a lost! So, I fot right thats it, as is never playin wey you again Molls, but a hud a wee problem. Cos as wiz stuck and as couldnae get back doon. I fought OMG, wit the ....... am a go nae dae noo. As stood fur ages tryin tae work oot how I wiz gonae get doon wey oot help from ma Molls. Then I fought I wid dae ma EMERGENSEE YELL. Wey hey...aye a noo it wid work, cos I heard ma Mum run like a bat oooot of hell. Then in a right split second, as thoughts to ma sell, OMG, az is go tae get into a right load of bover and as will end up back in the cooler. So I shut up!! But Mum was on a mission, but fankfoolee she didnae see me. She ran right past me and oot the back door! She did this aboot 3 or 4 times, and she wiz callin ma name. Oh no, wit the ...... should ah dae! She came runnin back in again, and then she saw me!! I just knows ma Molls only gone and telt her where as wiz hidin.

I didnae speak to ma Molls for a whole minute efter she dobbed me in, cos as wiz put in the cooler, but the right funny thing wiz, Mum put Molls in the cooler too. Am no sure if ma Mum will run as fast next times as have tae dae an Emergensee Yell, and if she disnae, it will be all Mollys fault. Moral of the story to all ewes dugs & beetches oot there, only use the Emergensee Yell if it is a reel emergensee!!
Big Presley has left the building cos as is takin care of ma ane business x

Ewe's dont speak English, like wit a do!!

Well you'll no believe wits happened......, someone has only gone and made a complaint aboot the way a talk. Aye a know, ewe's canny believe it, well neither could I, but its right true. Ma Mum said that this wumin from Engerland couldnt understand wit it wiz as wiz talkin aboot, cos as wiz tellin ma stories in Scottish. What the ..... is that aw aboot, a am Scotteesh! I disnae write in Scotteesh, as just writes in me, Big Presley the King, lingo.....like ma main man Ali G. This wumins name is Tree! That canny be right, wit type of Tree? You canny just be a Tree, wiffout being some type of Tree!! As wiz wunderin if she wiz like a pee Tree or sumfin, that me and molls wid like. I guess it must be some weerdo custom they huv in Engerland, no tae give wumin proper names. See me, ma name is Presley, that name originated in Engerland and for all ewes uneducated folk oot there, it means Meadow of Priests. When they named me they obviously thought I wiz the High Priest or sumfin, and thats why they changed it to Presley the King. There used to be loads of Kings in Scotland, but there is only wan noo.....ME!

So fur ma Mums pal Tree this is wit as is sayin:

Mum = Mum
Dad = Dad
Molls = Mollee ma beetch
Beetch = Bitch - thats a wumin dug
Wumin = Wooooooman
Wiz = Was or Pee
Ma = My or Scotteesh Maw
Dug Dealer = Someone who buys and sells dugs
Maw = Mother
Sumfin = Something
Leep Frog = Practising for the Grand National, with me Molls as the horse and me the jockey!
Chastity Belt = body harness for ma chain to be attached to
Udder = other
Codger = an elderly man
Choo = Eat everything regardless of wit its made of

Noo as hope this will help ma Mums pal, Tree, to undertsand wit it is as is writing aboot. Tree, that canny be right!! Noo, wait till ewes here the right funnee fing about this wumin. She is called Tree, and she is a dug dealer like ma Mum, but wit the ...... dae ewes think she went and called her dugs? Only Dave, Tom & Daisy!! They are reel proper names. Ewes wid think that she wid have called them things like, Root, Leaf, Branch, Twig or somfin, noo that wid have made sense!! Cos when the dugs went to school, and somewan says "who are you?", they could say, "as is Branch, Tree is ma Maw".

See ma mate Toby McKay, his brother is called Willow, what the ..... is that all aboot? Noo you dont need to be Inspector Clooso to work oot, that Tobys Maw must have stole Willow from Tree!!

Noo as knows ewes all canny be as smart as me, so if anywan oot there is gona gee a dug a name, phone me first and as will telt ewes wit tae call them. As been gettin a right load of fan mail from ma beetches, but apart from the Molls, who isnae lookin after hersel as well as she could, ma other best beetch is ma wee pal Rag. So fur aw ewes beetches oot there who want me to play leap frog with ewes, ewes are just gona huff to wait, cos as is in great demand.
Noo tomorrow, as gona tell you another story, and noo that ma Mums pal Tree kens wit as is talkin aboot, she will be able to underston me! Big Presley has left the building, taking care of business.....ootside in the gerden. x

Molly the Mohican!

I telt ewes the udder day that wee's has a naybur, honestly its troo, even out here in the country. I guess they canny hay much money and got their hoose right cheap, cos lets face it, nae buddy would want tae live next door tae an open prizon foo of dugs! As dont know wits theys folk are called, that live next tae us, but as call them Tom & Barbara Good, not cos theys are Good, but cos theys are like they nutjobs aff the telly programme the Good Life! Theys have dugs, and about 6 chickens, (well 5, since me and the Molls kilt wan), theys have geese, theys have they big dugs wiff udders, and theys even had lambs. I knows a rhyme about that....., Mary had a little lamb,She thought it was quite silly. She threw it up into the air, And caught it ......no, as canny say the next bit! Thats ma favorite nursery rhyme, its no the words ma Mum tot me, but as just changed the words, cos ma Molls laffs when as tell her that one.

Anyways, as has counted that Tom & Barbara have 3 dugs, wan is so old, he can hardly even walk, so as call him the old codger. Then they huv a younger version of the old codger, as call him the codger and, theys have a black and white dug that as call syco, cos he's is a syco. He just jumps up and doon aw day, hee's thinks he is Zebedee from the Magic Roundabout, either that or he is on drugs! Me and the Molls shout at thems frew the fence, and wee's chase them up and doon the exercise yard. Theys canny run as fast as me and the molls, cos theys are old and fat, and syco can only go up and doon. As thinks the old codger is gona have a heart attack wan day trying to chase us, its so funnee, cos he's always got tae lie doon after wee's have knackered him oot.

Wan day me and the Molls were runnin up and doon, shoutin abuse at the codgers and syco and wee's were laffin real hard. Next thing is, ma Molls let oot a screem like ewes have niver heard in ewer lifes before, unless ewes have heard oor Mum screem. Anyways, Molls wiz cryin, so as runs to her, I fot wan of the codgers had stabbed her or shot her or sumfin. She was right sobbin and as helps carry her back to oor cell. Mum came in and looked at ma Molls and OMG , Molls had a Mohican hair do on her back!! They nutjobs had only gone and skinned me Molls alive!! I dont remember much else, cos I think as fainted!
When as woke up Dad had clean Molls back and geed her a chew. Theys wiz laffin at me cos a hud fainted, but as telt them I wiz only joking, so's that a could get a choo too.

Ma Molls back has all heeled up noo, it turns oot the codgers hud nae stabbed her, she caught it on a tree stump, but Molls is left with her Mohican hair style on her back!. Shee's gona huff tae look after hersel a bit better, cos she begining to hang like a pun of mince, wit wae her broken tail and noo her Mohican. As like ma beetches to look good all the time, so as gona see if as can book Molls in for wan of they face lift things. Right got to go noo and dae my research. Big Presley has left the study. Taking care of business! x

FREEDOM

How ewes all doin the day? I wiz keepin this next story for an udder time, but a fot ewes would like to know wit happened to me a couple of weeks ago, when Mum & Dad took me, Molls and Big Black Mac tae the beach. They didnae tell us wee's were goin to the beach, so I didnae pack ma Speedos, and Molls and Mac didnae have theirs either! You cannee go tae the beach wiffout ewer Speedos, unless its wan of they weerdo noodist beaches, where naebuddy ever looks you in the eye, cos theys is too busy checkin oot your crown jewells!


Anyways, when wee's got there I seen ma old pal Toby McKay, and wee's had a chin wag. I only does chin wags, cos I dont like any dug sticking their nose up ma back bottom. Then I saw her.....ma future beetch, cor she is frigin beautiful. Dont be put off with her name, its Rag, cos she anit no Rag! Mee's thinks that could be short for Rag-a-muffin, or somfin, but I didnae want to be disrespectful and shout "hey as fancies Rag-a-muffin", just in case she missed me sayins the word Rag!! As thinks her Sunday name is probably Regina, cos that name means Queen and me, the King is always on the look out for ma Queen. 2nd thoughts....I knows wit rhymes wi Regina, so as just gona stick to callin her Rag, before as gets a slap!


Wee's all walked to the beach, no tae be confused with ma beetches! Next thing ma Mum freed me from ma chastity belt and I was FREE at last!! Wey to go big man!! As is OFF!! Nothin is gona stop me now...bye, cheerio, see you around, adios, au revoir, trok lom, hyarcha, ciao, adios....and get yersels tae........!! I'm off like a Greyhound out of trap No.3...as goin for it!! This is brill. Oh eh...hang on, wait just wan minute....what the ...... is goin on here! Mum & Dad are tryin to get rid of Me. What the ...... have a done wrang noo!! Aye, so they thinks theys are dead smart, let me go so's that I will eescape and no be able tae dae anymare damage at the open prizon!! Thats why they didnae bring ma Speedos, cos I wiz meant to run away!! Right, well their no that smart, cos as have decided that as gona ruin their day oot and am goin back!!!


Ma Molls was right pleased to see me go back, cos she didnae want to live in the prizon on her ain. The Big Black Man Mac, wiznae so happy, he was ragin that as ran off, but wit he didnae understand is that Mum & Dad were tryin to dump me and I'm no fur being dumped by nae one!! Mum & Dad are laffin at me, well as gona wipe the smile off their mugs and stay with them,...lets see how funnee they find that!!


Me and the Molls still laff aboot me comin back, cos I knows that right upset Mum & Dad, but that will teach them no tae be so smart next time. Me big Presley the King has loads mare damage tae do at the prizon, so as no goin anywhere until I decide!! This is a picktoor of Me and Molls laughin at the beach! Am the pawsome wan on the rite of the picktoor.

An Udder Story!

How ewes doin today...? I wiz gona tell ewes about all the udder anemals that live near oor excercise yard, here at the open prison in Lan Ark. Lots of dugs ask me wit its like living in an open prizon, like ma mate Toby McKay, he is not only kept as a prizoner in Edinburger, but he's treated like a slave too. A knows this cos his Mum (his prizon guard) willnae buy him a new collar for his chain to be attached to......and she makes him wear one of they Hannibal Lecter mask things. Tobs never telt me wit he's did to get a life sentence, but I guess it must have bin right serious like murrrder or summit, cos he's been in prizon for years. A keeps tellin ma mate Tobs to escape, and come to live in the open prizon, but he's like a right old guy and he says its too far to walk. I telt him he wiz a nut job, he should just take the bus!!

Here's ma pal Toby who wont take the bus! As gona send him 20p towards his bus fare oot ma pocket money. Hey man Tobs, ewe is lookin right scary in that picture...you look so funnee!



Any hows, I wiz wondering around the excercise yard one day, thinking aboot ways to eescape, and the next fing as looks through the fence and couldnt believe ma eyes!! I seen the biggest dugs in the world. Theys were big fat black and white dugs,...and you know what, theys had 4 sets of Crown Jewells hanging doon!! Freaks!!! Inter-breedin that causes that. Thats just too much...cos as want to know how they can play leap frog with four udder beetches at the same time!! I canna tell you wit happened next, but .......a little tiny fat one went up to wan of these massive dugs with the four crown jewells and started to ...........OMG......!! This is a family blog, and as canny tell you what happened, ewes will just need to imagine...but as didnae eat ma dinner that night. That wiz disgusting...YUCK!! I shouted at the wee fat wan to leave the crown jewells alone, but he just ignored me...must have a problem with his hearing or summit.

Every time as see's them now, I shout at them to get themselves to ...... !! They get right mad wae me. They must be locals doon here, cos all they do all day is eat the grass.....or maybee's they's is tryin to dig an eescape tunnel, but a knows they are way to fat to tunnel oot.

Me and the Molls was wanderin around mindin wur ane business, and they wee's spots it....!! A big fitba covered in feathers, so I tried rollin it along the ground and ma Molls rolled it back to me.....this was brill. Every so often wee's would header it and the feathers would go everywhere. I could hear Mum screemin at us.....! Wee's wur only playin. But Mum was greetin. Me and the Molls got marched into solitary and thats when Mum telt us we'd kilt oor nayburs chicken! Oh no.., take cover Mum is mad, as seen that look in eyes before, the time a chooed her noo double oven!! She canny cook, so a didnae know wit all the fuss wiz aboot. A chicken....no a fitba, oh well, shows you how ungrateful oor Mum is, cos we could have save her £2.98 buying wan oot the sopps.

Me and Molls are in solitary for the next 2 hours, but thats ok, cos wee's is sleepy after oor game of fitba. Tomorrow as gona tell you another story....but a dont know wit wan yet. Big Presley has left the building (well the study!), and as is Taking Care of Business. x

I'm No a MONGREL!!

Me and the Molls had been really good for a couple of hours, probably cos wee's wur sleepin, but Mum & Dad said that they wiz gona take us oot for the day! Oot came the chastity belts and me and the Molls got taken ootside the front of the prison, that was real cool. What the ...... is that...... only a pet hearse!!! Oh No.....Molls, wee's wiznae sleepin, wee's were deed!! That got mee's thinkin, maybe I wisnae a prizoner, maybe wee's wiz deed and wee's woz like ghosts or somefin! Ma Molls looked like she'd seen a ghost when wee's were bundled into the pet hearse!! Then as says to Molls, listen Molls, wee's canny be deed otherwise wee's would be white or seefrew! And as a am black, and ewe is brown wee's canny be ghosts, so wee's must still be alive......it didnae matter, this was hell wearing this chastity belt!

I couldnae see very well out the windays and Mum said it was coz theys were blackened out, so that no one could see in. How cool is that....just like ma pal Ali G had in his car! Mum then opened the winday a bit soz me and the Molls could get some fresh air! I guess Dad must have been pumpin again! Anyways, ah stuck ma heed oot the winday, and shouted abuse at all the dugs as seen walkin up the road. The look on their faces when theys seen I woz in a Pet Hearse, but wiznae deed, was sooooooooo funnee!! I hudnae laughed this much since Mollee came off the LSD!! Large Swinging Dryer.

Wee's finally arrived at a big park place, as hoped wee's wiznae in a cemetery, but no it wiznae, and there was millions of beetches here.....hey man, as have arrived...me Big Presley...no dont all crowd round at the wan time, cos as no brought ma security. All the beetches wiz wantin ma pawtograph!! What the ......., the dugs are sticking their heeds up ma back bottom, looking for ma crown jewells!! Get yersells to ........, as no into dugs, as only into ma beetches. Ma Molls wiznae happee wiff all the beetches comin up to me, as thinks she is jealous.....good...cos that way, she will let me play leep frog wit her when wee's go back to prizon.

Next thing as knows is ma Mum is leeding me into a ring....a show ring....yeah man whey to go......Big Presley has arrived!! No...hud on wait a minute.....its a MONGREL show....as no MONGREL!! As is Presley the King of Pedigree Lurchers. Nae wonder Molls isnae allowed in, coz she is so far up her ain back bottom, cos she is a PEDIGREE BEETCH. Some bampot who calls hersel a judge is feelin me all over.....ger yersel to .........! I didnae need a two legged beetch, when as got the Molls. What the ...... ma Mum, is takin me back oot the ring, sayin "it doesnt matter Presley, its the taking part that counts". What the ......, does she mean.....have a no WON!! They didnae ken wit they wur doin the whole lot of them, cos as is the best looking Pedigree Mongrel at the show.

Some young pup, that looks like a wolf, jumped up on me and wiz trying to kiss me.......YUCK..... ....., az iz wiff ma beetch the Molls. Me and the Molls right enjoyed oor day oot in the Pet Hearse, wee's were laffin all the way home. I then realised that a hudnae tried to escape....., az just missed a right good chance. Never mind, as lookin forward to ma game of leep frog with ma beetch Molls.

Tomorrow as gona tell you about me finding a dug in ooor gerden!

The Cooler King!!

Me and the Molls have been in and out of the 'cooler', thats solitary confindment to those who dont know, 643 times since we got here. Wee's think that is a better record than Steve McQueen had in the frigin Great Eescape, and they had the cheek to call him the Cooler King!! There aint no King, Cooler than me!! 64 of those times wiz cos Molls killed oor very ain Mr Jingles, and 3 times coz ma Molls killed burds. So, 64 + 3 = 643 for all those of ewes out there that cannee count. As dont know why as always got to go into the cooler with ma Molls, cos as never does anythin, so as always tells Mum tae get lost! Then ma Mum, keeps tellin me to talk properly cos wee's live in the country now, but am no bovered, cos I thinks as just so cool as a am and ma beetches love me.

It was real funnee when ah eescaped from ma cell...., I didnae have time to grab ma personal belongings (ma Speedos and things), and I forgot to take oor latest deed Mr Jingles, but I knew that ma Molls would look after him. I was off..oot of here....and as was runnin as fast as I could. Have you ever tried to run on Parquet flooring.....its like being on a treadmill. You run like you are Lindford Christie and yet you havnae moved an inch!! (ma beetches says am like Lindford Christie...if ewes know what a mean!! I certainly resemble him in places.......!!:) Anyways, I finally manage to get doon this right long corridor, there wiz doors everywhere, but they just went into mare cells. As wiz looking for the front door!! There wiznae a prizon guard anywhere, they must have been on their smoke break. At the bottom of the long corridor, I turned left and all I could see was mare cells, but as seen one was open a bit and in a went... I could smell Freedom....Well I thought thats what I could smell, but maybe I wiz wrong.

I could hear the sirens goin off in the main part of the prison, (siren = Mum screamin), so as knew it widnae be long before she wiz on ma trail, as long as she didnae send the dugs oot looking for me, as would be ok. When as got into this room, as seen a big window, brill, I was almost oot. What the ......., the windae is closed....aw no, and Mum is getting nearer!!! As wiz lookin everywhere for a way oot, and then I got the shock of ma life, I turned aroond and there was a big black and white CAT starin at me and lickin his lips. I just kept shouting at him, get yersel to ........, am no a moose! OMG....help....help.....Mum help meeeeeeeeee!! Mum came in and she wiz laffin at me, aye very good whats so funny, that CAT could have killed me! Mum grabbed me by the collar...and led me away, she was still laffin and so wiz the CAT. Then I realised the CAT wiz only Denzil !! I guess he really wiz a cool CAT, coz he could have killed me....but ma Mum said he wid never have hurted me....aye right, so I look a right plonker now dont ah.
Now as knows as should have been nicer to Denzil when he lived wiz us, but hey ho, I wisnae!!

As had loads to tell ma Molls when wee's were put in the Cooler for ma attempted eescape. As told her that Mum & Dad were not only DUG Dealers, but theys were CAT Dealers too! But ma Molls wiznae bothered in fact she gave me into a right load of trouble, I think ma Molls is getting too big for her ain paws! She thinks she is the Queen of Sheba, cos she lives with me Presley the King.....as gona have to sort that oot.
Tomorrow as gona tell ewes about how Mum & Dad took me and the Molls to a park foo of Dug Dealers! But for now....big Presley has left the building,...takin care of ma business! x

Mr Jingles is Deed!!

When me, Molls, Mac and Denzil all moved here to Lan Ark, wee's were all put in different prizon cells. Well, me and the Molls stayed together, but big Mac got took away and so did Denzil. Wee's wisnae bothered about Denzil being taken away, cos he iz a cat, but I wisnae happee when Mum took the big black man Mac away. I tried tappin on the pipes at nite to see if as got a response from big Mac. A had seen this done of the movies before and it worked for them, but a didnae hear Big Mac tap back.

I was here a few days when I noticed two big glass doors and when I looked inside, I got the shock of ma life........ What the ....... is goin on in this prizon? The prizon cell behind the glass doors had 3 massive dugs in it, and ma pal big Mac. See as just knew ma Mum & Dad were dug dealers!! Well for those of ewes out there who canny count that meant there wiz 6 dugs in this prizon. As wondered what they did to be kept prizoner? So as tried to talk to them when the prizon guard wisnae lookin. What the ......, nae wonder these nutjobs are in prizon, cos they wisnae friendly, so I guess they must be in for murrrder. So as decided I'll no bother masel talkin to them again and a huvnae!

I wisnae botherin with the murrrderers in the next cell, cos me and the Molls liked this open prison and wee wur in the turd cell down the hall. Wee's thought that if we are here doin life, that we should make the place look like home and get oorsells a wee pet. I remember seein a movie call the Green Mile, and the guy in that prizon had a pet mouse called Mr Jingles, so wee's decided that would be cool to have oor ane Mr Jingles. Every night ma Molls goes out in the exercise yard looking for oor ane Mr Jingles. She done real well at first, wee's had only just decided to get a Mr Jingles and Molls found one. She shouted me over, but I couldnt see him, he was right small. What the ...... ma Molls dived on oor Mr Jingles and she only went and killed him. What the .... was that all about? Oh well, nae luck, so what, we had oor first Mr Jingles... albeit he was deed, but I guess deed ones are easier to look after! So I took oor Mr Jingles into wur cell. But....., here we go again... Mum, has just seen it and she's dane that screemin fing again!!! Quick....hide for cover! Thats ma Molls now doin time in the cooler for being a murderer.

She is gona have to work on her technique for catchin oor ane Mr Jingles, so far she has caught 47 potential Mr Jingles, but she's manage to kill every one of them. Ma Molls is dead smart though, cos she said we should forget having a moose that is alive and have a burd instead. So next day she found us a bird, a big pidgeon type thing.....that was soooooo cool. I ran past the big glass doors showin the other murderers oor new pet, but they wiz dead jealous and told Mum. So, me and the Molls are in detention again!!!

Tomorrow as gona tell you what happened when I EESCAPED....problem wiz, I only escaped into the main part of the prizon....but....I found out that Mum & Dad have udder aneemals held captive here!!

Moving to the Open Prizon in Lan Ark

Ma Mum has been talking about moving hoose fur ages, but first she had some renovations to do around the hoose.... she is trying to blame me for that! She had to landscape the back garden, and replace the LSD...! To get a trip on LSD, we waited until Mum had hung oot the washin, then me and the Molls would grab the end of a towel or summit and run dead fast, then the Large Swinging Dryer went round and round so fast that me and the Molls took off up in the air.....that was so cool...!! The look on ma Molls face when she hit the ground was amazin, her eyes were crossed like Clarence the Lion! That was sooooooo funnee!

Then Mum had to replace everyfin in our playroom, including the wall, that I tried to eescape frew, the place she calls a kitchen! The guy who did the work, was real cool. His name was Davie, and he always gave me and the Molls biscuits, we liked him, we wanted to go and stay with him, but Mum told me that wee was doin a 'life sentance' with her! Whats the life sentance fur ?? Well I just said to the Molls, if as to do a life sentance, when as is innocent of all charges, as never gona behave ever again in ma hole life!

She told me and the Molls at our last parole hearing, that we was being moved to an Open Prizon in Lan Ark. Yeah right, very good, where ..... is Lan Ark! I hope the Postman knows, so that he can re-direct ma fan mail.

At the end of February we moved to the Open Prizon, right out in the countryside, you know the type of place, it was sheep ........ country! Where all the men wear wellies!! As we drove away from oor last prizon, I saw the nut job Rotti out walking...so as shouts to him....get yersel to ......, and as put two fingers up at him! All the way to oor new prizon, Mum kept sayin that I had to talk properly from noo on, cos we was going to live in a right nice place. Aye very good, like as dont already speak real posh!
But hey, this place is real cool, cos instead of using knives like they do in Glesga, the neds out here have shotguns....that is brilliant. I must get masel one of them! I wish as had one of them in Glesga, I could have taken oot the Rotti and all the dug dealers in the area.

Oor new playroom is rotten, obviously udder prizoners have been held captive in here, but ma Mum will no stand for me and the Molls living in this old dated place, cos she knows we like noo fings, they taste much better! This really is an open prizon, the garden is massive, it will take me and the Molls years to tunnel out of this place, and there is no LSD to help us!! Oh well best make a start!

Tomorrow as gona tell ewes about more about ma new prizon and about the fact that ma
Mum & Dad really are dug dealers!!

So much for Santa Closs!

Ma Mum keeps asking me if as is excited cos its xmas. What is she going on aboot? Its just some guys birffday, but its no ma birffday, so I'm no bothered. Dad has been staying here for ages, it feels like an eeternity....does he no know when he has overstayed his welcome. Ok, so he didnae get a 'welcome', unless you count the bites on his hands and arms, but has he no got his ane hoose to go to?

Mum pit up a right nice tree for me to pee on, its great, cos it saves me going outside in the cold. I think the lights on it are real cool, a pee-tree fit for a King!! There are loads of packages underneath ma pee-tree, but I couldnt see what was inside them, so I decided best thing to do to get a swatch at them, was to tear the paper off them. Wey Hey Mollee, quick come and look at what Santa Closs has left us!! Fishnet stockings and they are full of right nice things!! I guess these stockings are for ma Molls to wear later. Like all red blooded males, (maybe as has blue blood cos I'm a King), I will have the contents of the stockings, and me Molls can have the stockings....yeah thats a good plan.

What the ..... Molls isnae happy just with the Fishnets....she's so ungrateful, she wants the toys and chocolates inside them aswell. Well am no wearing the fishnet stockings thats for sure!! Mollee you are a beetch (state the obvious, it catches her off guard!), you just ate all ma chocolates from Santa and broke all ma toys.......Dad, help, ave no got a present from Santa now! Ha ha Molls just got into bother from Mum & Dad. I'll sit here looking real sorry for masel and see if I get something better!

What the ....Mum says not to worry cos we are going for a walk!! Oh yeah right, very good, like.... that makes up for me no gettin any presents from Santa, cos the Molls stole them from me. Right am no gona pee on the walk, that will show them! OMG, we have been walking for hours, am knackered now and burstin for a pee. I should have used the pee-tree in the house before I left. Oh no hells bells, am gona have to pee...they better no look at ma missin crown jewells or laff at me! Oh thats better!! Thats the first time a have peed oot side ma ane gerdin, in a public place! Its no really the dun thing for the King to be seen peein, hope the paparazzi didnae catch that on camera!

Tomorrow as gona tell you about me plans to move to an open prizon in Lan Ark!