Fooneral of a Squirrel

As wiz tellin ewes wit happened tae me when the BBC were filmin at oor open prison here in Lan Ark. As thinks BBC stands fur Best Beetch Contest. So as wiz sittin fur hoors all ready to meet the beetches. As wiz lookin right cool man, except fur the fact that ma Mum had pit that horrid, purple and gold foonereal looking collar on me! Noo thats no funnee, cos as dont want ma beetches to think that am no cool.
As wiz getting all ma best chat up lines ready for the beetches and as wiz practising on ma Molls.

As thought as could use some of ma best chat up lines like:
"Dae ewe ken wit wid look good on ewe..? an I wid say ME!!
"Dae ewe ken the difference between a game of leap frog and a game of fitba" an I wid say "Come wae me and az will show ewe"
"As wonder wit oor puppies wid look like, dae ewe want tae find oot?"

As thinks these are ma best chat up lines and sure tae win the heart of any beautiful beetch. Ma Molls is laffin like mad, well she is gona be mad, when she see's me way an udder beautiful beetch and that will wipe the smile aff her face.
Ma Mum, finally comes to get me, so's as takes a right deep breath and yells Geronimo, here is me big Presley the King!!! Where is awe the beetches?? Doh, wit is going on here, there isnae a beetch in sight!! There wiz only a geezer wae the clap thing, you know that thing theys put infront of a camera and they snap it shut and says "Ackshon". The geezer way the right posh lookin camera, and the geezer way the deed squirrel, way the pole stuck up his jacksy. Noo as is feelin like as has been conned here, and thats no funnee. Ma Molls is laffin, she finks az is looking right stoopid!!
Next thing as knows is Me, the Molls and ma big black Minder Mac, are being put intae ma Dads Pet Hearse! The geezer way the deed squirrel is sitting in the front of the Hearse. Maybees wee's is gone tae a fooneral fur the squirrel or sumfin. As looks as the geezer way the deed squirrel and I fought his face could dae way a wash! So ah geed him a right good face wash, and ah even cleaned oot his ears, cos as thought theys could dae way a wash too!! Noo, as ken that naebuddy likes tae huv their face washed, especially by a dug who has just checked oot the crown jewells, but this geezer was giggling like ma Molls does, when as plays leap frog way her!! A fought this geezer is right enjoyin me dane this and that wiznae right!! As is no some weerdo! So ah stopped washin him, and went back to ma job of makin sure ma minder, big Mac was clean aroond the nether regions!! Cos see hee's is black and sometimes he canny see if hee's has got bits of YUCK stuck tae his back bottom!! As didnae want tae been seen in public way a minder way a dirty back bottom!
Wees goes tae a place called Biggar, well it isnae Biggar than me, in fact the place wiz closed. I thinks that MI6 and the MFI agents must have cleared the place cos, wee's the Royal Femily wiz due tae visit.
Anyways, I wiz filmed walkin up and doon the road like some kind of demented nutjob prizoner just let oot fur the day!! It wiz then that a found oot that the BBC wiznae a contest for the best beetch, but theys wiz some British Company that make docoomentarys aboot prizoners of war. But as is going tae be on the Tellys, and maybee's it will be proved that as is innocent of all charges and I will be freed!! As will let ewes all ken when tae watch ewer tellys, and all ewes beetches oot there will need tae apply in writing fur tae spend the night way me!
Big Presley has left the building, tae check fur fan mail x