Ewe's dont speak English, like wit a do!!

Well you'll no believe wits happened......, someone has only gone and made a complaint aboot the way a talk. Aye a know, ewe's canny believe it, well neither could I, but its right true. Ma Mum said that this wumin from Engerland couldnt understand wit it wiz as wiz talkin aboot, cos as wiz tellin ma stories in Scottish. What the ..... is that aw aboot, a am Scotteesh! I disnae write in Scotteesh, as just writes in me, Big Presley the King, lingo.....like ma main man Ali G. This wumins name is Tree! That canny be right, wit type of Tree? You canny just be a Tree, wiffout being some type of Tree!! As wiz wunderin if she wiz like a pee Tree or sumfin, that me and molls wid like. I guess it must be some weerdo custom they huv in Engerland, no tae give wumin proper names. See me, ma name is Presley, that name originated in Engerland and for all ewes uneducated folk oot there, it means Meadow of Priests. When they named me they obviously thought I wiz the High Priest or sumfin, and thats why they changed it to Presley the King. There used to be loads of Kings in Scotland, but there is only wan noo.....ME!

So fur ma Mums pal Tree this is wit as is sayin:

Mum = Mum
Dad = Dad
Molls = Mollee ma beetch
Beetch = Bitch - thats a wumin dug
Wumin = Wooooooman
Wiz = Was or Pee
Ma = My or Scotteesh Maw
Dug Dealer = Someone who buys and sells dugs
Maw = Mother
Sumfin = Something
Leep Frog = Practising for the Grand National, with me Molls as the horse and me the jockey!
Chastity Belt = body harness for ma chain to be attached to
Udder = other
Codger = an elderly man
Choo = Eat everything regardless of wit its made of

Noo as hope this will help ma Mums pal, Tree, to undertsand wit it is as is writing aboot. Tree, that canny be right!! Noo, wait till ewes here the right funnee fing about this wumin. She is called Tree, and she is a dug dealer like ma Mum, but wit the ...... dae ewes think she went and called her dugs? Only Dave, Tom & Daisy!! They are reel proper names. Ewes wid think that she wid have called them things like, Root, Leaf, Branch, Twig or somfin, noo that wid have made sense!! Cos when the dugs went to school, and somewan says "who are you?", they could say, "as is Branch, Tree is ma Maw".

See ma mate Toby McKay, his brother is called Willow, what the ..... is that all aboot? Noo you dont need to be Inspector Clooso to work oot, that Tobys Maw must have stole Willow from Tree!!

Noo as knows ewes all canny be as smart as me, so if anywan oot there is gona gee a dug a name, phone me first and as will telt ewes wit tae call them. As been gettin a right load of fan mail from ma beetches, but apart from the Molls, who isnae lookin after hersel as well as she could, ma other best beetch is ma wee pal Rag. So fur aw ewes beetches oot there who want me to play leap frog with ewes, ewes are just gona huff to wait, cos as is in great demand.
Noo tomorrow, as gona tell you another story, and noo that ma Mums pal Tree kens wit as is talkin aboot, she will be able to underston me! Big Presley has left the building, taking care of business.....ootside in the gerden. x