An Udder Story!

How ewes doin today...? I wiz gona tell ewes about all the udder anemals that live near oor excercise yard, here at the open prison in Lan Ark. Lots of dugs ask me wit its like living in an open prizon, like ma mate Toby McKay, he is not only kept as a prizoner in Edinburger, but he's treated like a slave too. A knows this cos his Mum (his prizon guard) willnae buy him a new collar for his chain to be attached to......and she makes him wear one of they Hannibal Lecter mask things. Tobs never telt me wit he's did to get a life sentence, but I guess it must have bin right serious like murrrder or summit, cos he's been in prizon for years. A keeps tellin ma mate Tobs to escape, and come to live in the open prizon, but he's like a right old guy and he says its too far to walk. I telt him he wiz a nut job, he should just take the bus!!

Here's ma pal Toby who wont take the bus! As gona send him 20p towards his bus fare oot ma pocket money. Hey man Tobs, ewe is lookin right scary in that picture...you look so funnee!



Any hows, I wiz wondering around the excercise yard one day, thinking aboot ways to eescape, and the next fing as looks through the fence and couldnt believe ma eyes!! I seen the biggest dugs in the world. Theys were big fat black and white dugs,...and you know what, theys had 4 sets of Crown Jewells hanging doon!! Freaks!!! Inter-breedin that causes that. Thats just too much...cos as want to know how they can play leap frog with four udder beetches at the same time!! I canna tell you wit happened next, but .......a little tiny fat one went up to wan of these massive dugs with the four crown jewells and started to ...........OMG......!! This is a family blog, and as canny tell you what happened, ewes will just need to imagine...but as didnae eat ma dinner that night. That wiz disgusting...YUCK!! I shouted at the wee fat wan to leave the crown jewells alone, but he just ignored me...must have a problem with his hearing or summit.

Every time as see's them now, I shout at them to get themselves to ...... !! They get right mad wae me. They must be locals doon here, cos all they do all day is eat the grass.....or maybee's they's is tryin to dig an eescape tunnel, but a knows they are way to fat to tunnel oot.

Me and the Molls was wanderin around mindin wur ane business, and they wee's spots it....!! A big fitba covered in feathers, so I tried rollin it along the ground and ma Molls rolled it back to me.....this was brill. Every so often wee's would header it and the feathers would go everywhere. I could hear Mum screemin at us.....! Wee's wur only playin. But Mum was greetin. Me and the Molls got marched into solitary and thats when Mum telt us we'd kilt oor nayburs chicken! Oh no.., take cover Mum is mad, as seen that look in eyes before, the time a chooed her noo double oven!! She canny cook, so a didnae know wit all the fuss wiz aboot. A chicken....no a fitba, oh well, shows you how ungrateful oor Mum is, cos we could have save her £2.98 buying wan oot the sopps.

Me and Molls are in solitary for the next 2 hours, but thats ok, cos wee's is sleepy after oor game of fitba. Tomorrow as gona tell you another story....but a dont know wit wan yet. Big Presley has left the building (well the study!), and as is Taking Care of Business. x