Hullo all ewes oot there
This is what a fink wee will bee doing on Kissmass Day.
04.30am Ma Dad will get up - no beecos HE is Santa Paws, but cos he will go tae work. Mee and Mollee will spends sum time in the exercise yard looking fur yellow snow cos this may bee eveedense of Rane Dears!
Noo if we find eveedense, ah will shout at the top of ma voice 'SANTA PAWS HAS BEAN'!!
This serves no purrpuss, udder than to annoy the nayburs kids - cos Santa Paws may not have bean to there hoose by that time.
06.30am Ma Mum will get up and the big dogs (Mac, Roobee, Wizzee and Bazil) will go and look fur eveedense of Rane Dears - but they will no find any cos, wee will have looked first and hid all eveedense!!
08.30am Wee will be moved from the Turd Cell to the Living Rooms to watch Lassee on tellys - Mollee always like a good cry on Kissmass Day.
15:00 This is when ah doo ma Kissmass speesh, and ah fank everybuddee fur a rite nice yeer. Ah also remembers all those who has a horreebell ehnnus. Thats latin fur sore back bottom. Wee sumtimes goes to the park, but am no sure if wee's will, cos ma Mum mite be called oot tae work.
20:00 Dad will come home tae see his Turkee - Mollee says am no aloud tae call Mum that, but that is the troof, and ah always tells ewe the troof. Last Kissmass mum and dad had a joint fur there kissmass, so ah will need to check and see if there is tin foil fur them tae use!
21:00 Mee and Mollee will get wur Kissmass dinner. Ah fink wee are havin, Deed Prawns followed by, mare Deed Fish and Rice wiff Phillips Steak, followed by a little sweet tart - (oh Mollee, where are ewe?).
Frew out the day, ah will see how many of ma Mum and Dads noo Kissmass presents that ah can choo - ah likes to do that, cos they pool rite funnee faces when they see's wit ah have dun.
22:00 Mee and Mollee will go back tae the turd cell and go tae wur beds - lites on. Eye, ewes fot ah wiz goin tae say lites off, but fing is this, fur punishment they leafs a little lite on, so that mee and Mollee cannee sleeps.
That is what mee and Mollee will bee doin on Kissmass day - cool eh?.
So ah hopes ewe all has a rite nice time toomorrow and ah hopes Santa Paws brings ewe all the fings that ewes dont need.
Pee Ess, Wee is playing a trick on Wizzee and wee have no telt him that its Kissmass - he finks its just an udder day at the Lan Ark open prizon. Noo wate wan minit befour ewes fink wee is reel bad. Cos fing is, last Kissmass wee had tae call oot the vet fur Wizzee, so wee dont want him too have nite mares remembering that. So, no noo collar or present frum Santa Paws fur him!!!.
Love fae Big Presley tae all ma beetches - have a rite nice Kissmass.

Socklng Storee!

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah hopes ewes is looking forward to Santa Paws coming, cos mee and Mollee are. Ah sent ma list to him a foo weeks ago - ewes need to get in errlee, udder wise he will run oot of fings.

Anyways ah will tell ewe a socking storee and ah swear this is the troof. Last Sundae mee and Mollee and ma Mum and Dad wur dressed up like turkee's fur Kissmass in wur Santa Paws Soots and wee's went tae Princess Street in Edinburger fur tae colleck monee's fur all the Greyhounds at Royal Heart Greyhound Rescoo.

Noo fing is this, all the Pawperattsee were oot in their hunners taking picktoors of mee, ah wiz pure mobbed by all ma fannee's, so that wiz cool. But then SOCK!! Ewes will no beeleeve this, but nexx fing ah pure see's an udder black dog who wiz dressed sames as mee!! Eye that is troo, there is pure a King Presley IMPAWSTER on the loose in Edinburger.

He wiz standing in the shop window of ma Mums favorite shop Jenners looking oot at mee, wissing he wiz mee!!

Ah says 'hey, ewe is an impawster of mee', and he pure just stared back at mee.

So ah pure shouted at him and telt him to get himsell tae F....... (Faraway that is). Ewes will no beeleeve wit he did, he pure shouted back at me, telling me tae get masell tae Faraway in the same shout as ah do!

Antee Jennifurs and ma Mum pure laffed at this, but this wiz no funnee, coz this impawster cood move in on ma No.1 Beetches saying hee wiz mee when he wiznae mee.

This picktoor shows ewe mee pure looking at him standing in Jenners window. Ma Mollee says it wiz ma refleckshon, but ah dont want a refleckshon impersonating mee.

Pee Ess, Pleese do not give monee to this impawster or tell him witch buzz to take to see ma Feeonsee and Love Child. Fank Ewe. xx

Deer Rag ma Feeonsee

See mee ah pure loves Kissmass, sept fur one fing, i'll no bee wiff ma Feeonsee Rag. So ah have rit a song fur hur. If ewes wid like tae sing along, ewe should sing ma wurds to the song
Kissmass Wiff Out Ewe by Dollee Parton and Kenny Rodgers

Kissmass wiff out ewe
S...te kissmass and am bloo
Like a greyhound needing the loo
Kissmass wiff out ewe

The fireplace keeps burning and ma fotts keep turning
The pages of ma memorees of time spent wiff ewe
Old kssmass snogs we knew, and bent polleese too
Make it hard to get used to, Kissmass wiff out ewe

Kissmass wiff out ewe
S....te kissmass and am bloo
I love ewe, I miss ewe
So sad but troo

Kissmass wiff out ewe
Like a horse wiff no shoes
Like ma Mum wiff no booze
Kissmass wiff oot ewe

Love frum big Presley the King xxx

ASBO at last!!

Hullo all ewes oot there,
Grate Noo's, at last ma Mum and Dad have had an ASBO slapped on thems in public fur bean BAD peepells. Ah swear this is the troof!!!. Mollee is reel upsets, but see mee, ah fink its cool!!
See fing is this, ma Mum let mee use the compootur again, and ah wiz pure postin fings on a charratee forum, fur tae cheer peepells up and tells thems how a dog finks - rite, then ma Dad puts on a videeoh, of mee and Mollee in wur Santa Paws geer. Nexx fing sum 'Richard' (also kent as Dick), comes on and says she finks it looks two RUFF, and hoped that mee and Mollee did not suss-tane seerioss In-jew-rees!! Noo fing is, this 'Richard', does not post mutch on this forum, so ah finks, this is a pure 'Richard' posting!! She pure kens nuffin aboot mee and Mollee! Noo fing is this.... see if wee's wur a danger too eeach udder or two sumone else, ma Mum wid bee pure upset, but see mee, am no scaree, udder wise ah wid no have Big Mac, and Ikea as boddee guards. So ah has bean tryin to consoll ma Mollee and ah says ah will pure bite Richard nexx time ah see's hur fur tryin tae give mee and ma Mollee ah complexshon.
Ah does not like peepells who do fings like that and ah will no let ma Mollee feel bad.
Am no bovered wit peepells finks of mee - cos am the King - but no tae upset ma Mollee.
So, tae that 'Richard' who posted that doggee poo (udder wise known as CRAP), why dont ewe go away and get a life, or come an watch Mollee reelee given mee a tankin! Ah fink the wumin who posted on that forum said wee's were RUFF cos she wiz lookin in the MIRROR an no watchin ma Videeoh!
Love tae all ma fannee's frum Big Presley the King xxxxxxx.

Who go's, you decide??

Hullo all ewes oot there,
Ewes will no beleeve wits happined. See how am always pure blamed fur bean a bad boy, well fing is am no the only bad boy that lives hear at Lan Ark Open Prizon.
Ah will tell ewes wit happined.
Sum of ewes will ken that Sixee Lixee (wur old cat) pure went an broke ma Mums noo eggspensive lamp. Ma Mum wiz neerlee cryin cos she only bott it aboot free weeks ago and she reel liked it, but she felt guiltee aboot how mutch monee she spent on it and even that wiz half price in a Sail. Thats troo.
Rite. Then at the sames times as she bott the noo lamp, she bott a huge big side bored for wur dinner eeting room. Noo ah kens wee dont have a dinner eeting room, wur dinner eetin room is where ma compootur is, but ma Mum is changing it back to an eetin room. So anyways, the room wid look rite sillee wiff only a table and chairs in it, so that is why she bott the side bored fingy to put hur bits in. Its oot in wur hall at the moment and nexx fing ah pure hears hur screeming (again!). Wur udder cats Stanlee and Hilda wiz sittin on the top of it and had pure scratched all the top. That set ma Mum off again, neerlee crying.
So ma Mum pure went oot fur a walk to stop hursell frum crying, but fing is, she only went and leff big Mac in the living rooms himsell. Noo Mac likes tae bee on his own, but only if wee are all there! So he pure panicked himsell, finking he had bean leff, and looked fur a way to escapes. He jumped up on ma Mums table - the solid oak wan shee bott last yeer - and he pure scratched all the surface reel deep, so it cannee bee fixed.
Noo at no times, did ah ever here hur sayin 'ewes is bad Mac' or 'ewes is a bad girl Six'.
But nexx fing is a chooed wan plastick pen, broke two glasses and chooed the remote control fing. And all hell broke loose, ah swear tae masell that is the troof. An the hole of Souff Lan Ark Shire pure herd ma Mum tellin me a wiz a bad boy!
So fing is there is no a fing left in this prizon that hasnae bean damage by wan of the dugs or the cats. Oh eye, ah forgot aboot the noo leather bed - that is pure scratched tae smiterines too.
But all ah wants tae ken is how come its always mee who pure gets into trubbles and no thems?
So ah fink ah should ask all ma fans the buring question. Who should go??
Who pure did the most damage? Mee, the cats or the udder inmates.
Pleese put ewer ansurs on a postcard and send them to mees at Lan Ark open prizon.
Pee Ess, ma name shood not be on the card, udder than the address bit.
Fank ewe
Love fae Presley xxx

I'm back!

Hullo all ewes, Its mee hear big Presley,
Am rite sorree ah have no bin on ma compootur to talk tae all ma fanns, but see fing is, ah have bin doin a deegree. Yip, that is troo, ah swears tae masell. Ah have bin doing a deegree in the studdee of Bools. See wee had bools in the feeld nexx to us and ah fot that it wid bee a rite good oppertoonity tae studee them. Even Mollee will tells ewes ah am a master at talking bool!

Lots of udder fings have happined tae mee, ah have bin postin on ma Antee Rachels forum, witch is called Royal Heart Greyhound Rescoo, oh eye, and ah have bin in the 'cooler' at Lan Ark Open Prizon fur bean a bad boy. At telt every won aboot mee bean a bad boy and ah even shared ma prayer wiff thems. See fing is ma Mum got oot a measureing tape and pure worked oot how big ah wiz. Noo fur those that ken wit ma Mum does fur a living, that is no a nice fing to do tae me.
This is ma prayer - its called the Kings Prayer

Deer Fathur, am no sure who thou are
Lurcher bee thy name
Thy King has come
for what I have done
Give us wur dinner, and some daily bread
And forgive mee for bean heartless
As ah have forgiven udders who are heartless
Leed mee not into temptashon (again)
But deliver me from evil
For thy is the King, I have the power
While Mollee gets all the glory
Forever and ever
Adug.

Noo ewes can use ma prayer if ewe is in need of a little deevine intervenshon.
Ah will rite more toomorrows and tell ewes an udder storee.
Love fae Big Presley the King xx

Snookee goes tae Rainbow Bridge

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear big Presley. Ah pure hopes ewes is enjoyin the nice sunnee weather, coz mee and Mollee pure loves it. But ah have rite sad noos fur ewes. Todae ma Mum and Dad are going tae ma Antee Frances's fooneral, but last nite ma Mum got a call frum Antee Frances's sistur, who had pure more bad noos. Little Snookee the cat pure stopped eeting anyfin when Antee Frances died last week and on Fursday she widnae even take watur. So fing is the vet docktur said that Snookee just wanted to go tae Rainbow Bridge tae bee wiff Antee Frances and Jade, so thats wit happined.

Antee Frances had telt everybuddee about how ma Mum had looked after Jade so well and wanted the same fing fur Snookee. Fing is Antee Frances didnae ken, she wid go befour Snookee. So noo ma Mum and Dad have two foonerals today, wan fur Antee Frances and wan fur Snookee, so theys will both go tae Rainbow Bridge toogether. Its kinda nice in a rite sad way.

Ma Mum wiz reel upsets, so mee and Mollee fot wee wid cheer ma Mum up a bit. So Mollee came up wiff the idear that wee's wid take up a noo hobbee. So Mollee picked 10 pin bowlin and ah picked rugbee. See fing is ah says tae Mollee where are ewe going tae find 10 pins, coz ma Mum disnae leaf pins lying around incase we get hurted. Then she said it wiznae played wiff pins, but it wiz played wiff a big heavee ball. So wee got hur a pink wan cos shee is a girl dug and shee can noo play Wan Pin Bowlin - that pure sounds like a Chineeese man or sumfin and am no wan of they ratio peepells that disnae like udders frum an udder countree.

Nexx fing ah found a Rugbee ball in ma garden, way to go man, how cool wiz that?

This is Mollee wiff hur noo 1 pin bowlin ball.

Wee's have a picktoor of Mollee aboot tae take a shot, but fing shee wiz so far away, fur tae take a rite good shot, ewe couldnae see hur wiffout ewer glasses on!

Ah will let ewes see a picktoor of mee wiff ma Rugbee ball when ah rememburs where ah left it.

Hope ewes are all ok and no sad like ma Mum, Love fae Big Presley the Rugbee player xxxx

Gone to Rainbow Bridge xxx

Hullo all ewes oot there is mee heer big Presley. Noo fankfoolee wee havenae had an udder visit frum the Polish Guide in the turd cell, but he did break an udder glass todae, so hee's no gone back to spookee land yet.
Wees have bin rite sad fur a foo days hear at the open prizon in Lan Ark, cos see the fing is, an old friend of ma Mums has gone tae Rainbow Bridge tae bee wiff hur little dog that died last year. Noo see the fing is sum of ewes will ken the storee aboot ma half cat bruver called Denzil. He wiznae half a cat, but he wiz half a bruver! If ewes ken the storee aboot Denzil ewes will ken that hee died reel uneggspecktedlee after havin a stroke and the Vet Docktur asked ma Mum if Denzil had ever in his hole life bean involved in a bad acksident and hurted his heed. Ma Mum says that Denzil had niver had an acksident when he lived wiff hur, but maybees hee did befour.
Ma Mum wiz rite upset when Denzil died and she foned ma Antee Frances. Ma Antee Frances knoo Denzil befour he adopted ma Mum, and it turned oot shee said 'yes, Denzil pure did have an acksident and banged his heed'. Thats when ma Antee Frances had looked after Denzil and made him all betturs. Antee Frances also had a dog called Jade and a cat called Snookee. Poor Jade had bin reel bad aboosed as a wee dug - Jade wiz a hairy Jack Ruzzell and Frances got her frum..... wate fur this...... a Greyhound charitee!! Ah swears ta masell that is the troof. Anyway, wee Jade went tae Rainbow Bridge on 5th Febrooaree last yeer - ma hooman grate grans birffdae - try and keep up pleese!! Ma Mum has bin friends wiff Frances fur yeers noo, and wiz pure devastated to heer onlee a foo monffs ago that Snookee had cancer. Frances pure loved ma Mum and Dad and said, when Snookee goes, ah wants ewe to look efter hur, just like ewe did wiff Jade.
Mum and Dad were ment to go and visit Frances a foo weeks ago, but foned tae say ma Mum coulnae make it cos she had tae work, but tae give Snookee a big hug.
Well it wiznae ment tae be, coz ma Mum got a fone call on Friday tae say that ma Antee Frances wiznae well, she had taken wan of they Annewerism fings in the brain and wiz in hospeetals. Sadlee Antee Frances didnae make it and deesided on Saturdae tae go and bee wiff Jade at Rainbow Bridge.
It turns oot that Snookee wiz taken tae the vet on the Friday, and ma Mum foned Franceses son and said shee wid look efter wee Snookee furever. Am no soor wits happined tae Snookee, maybees ma Mum wiz too late, but if no, wee's will be getting an udder poosee cat tae live wiff us.
To ma Antee Frances, wee's all pure loved ewe, espeshally the biskits ewe allways had in ewer pocket fur mee and Mollee and Mac. Fur all the love ewe gave ma big bruver Kaz and fur all the love ewe geed tae make wee Denzil bettur when he wiz hurted. Mee and Mollee still plays wiff all Jades toys that ewe gave us and wee will niver forget ewe.
Nite, nite Antee Frances, pleese give Jade a big hug fae us all, and ah swear on ma ane life, that wee will rite look efter Snookee if its no too late. If its too late, ewe will ken befour us.
Love fae big Presley The King xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Polish Guide in wur hoose

Hullo its mee, ah have bin reel bizzee coz ah fink wee have a Polish Guide in wur hoose. Noo let mee eggsplane. Ewes ken ah reel likes spookee fings, well niver in a zillion yeers did ah fink ah wood have ma very ane Polish Guide, but its troo ah swears tae masell. Noo, fur unedoocated peepells, a Polish Guide is wan of they spooks who frows fings about the room, but hees no called Mr Sheen. Ma Mollee says wan of they spooks is called a Polltis Heist or somefin, but shee disnae ken mutch, cos a Polltis is sumfin fur a plook and a fink a heist is when ewes steel sumfin like bank robbers do, so ewes widnae want tae pure steel a plook.
Anyways, wit happined wiz thiz. Ma Mum wiz in wur cell. Wees are in the turd cell doon. Ma Mum wiz there wiff Mollee and mee and big Mac. Wee's wur beehind hur and Mollee wiz standin at the door oot tae the exercise yard. Next fing Big Mac pure cries oot, and he looks at mee. Ma Mum fot ah had pure hurted him or sumfin. But then shee seen wan of hur drawers wiz hangin doon. No, honest that is the troof. Noo this wiz wan of hur drawers that shee keep tools in, the wans shee uses when shee is making ma Dads dinner. Noo wur drawers are only aboot two yeers old so they shouldnae bee fallen doon allreddee. Ma Mum says oh how did that pure happin, and closed the drawer. Then she pure cuddells Mac, giving it all this 'aw poor Mac, did ewe get a big frite' rubbish.
Aboot an hoor later, the flamin drawer, not only came oot itsell, but it pure floo across the cell and landed in the middull of the floor. Ma Mum herd the bang and came runnin into wur cell. She pure seen the drawer in the middull of the floor and wit dae ewe fink she says! She says 'oh Presley, ewe is a notty boy'. Wit??? Wit wiz all that aboot?? Mee, ah pure didnae do nuffin, it wiz the Polish Guide. See fing iz ma Mum didnae beeleeve mee, when ah says wee had a Polish Guide in wur cell, but then she pure tired to lift the drawer and shee seen ah couldnae posseeblee have pooled that oot and flung it across the room. But did she say 'oh am rite sorree Presley', No shee didnae! So ah wiz rongfoolee accoosed. Wee Mollee wiz pure cryin coz shee wiz rite affraid, she said one of us could bee hurted by the Polish Guide.
Noo ah swear it wiznae mee, ah have bin a reelee good boy this week. Ah have only broke, wan glass, wan mug, and stole the appell pie. Noo theys finks they will blame the work of a Polish Guide on mee tae.
Am going tae set up ma camera tae see if ah can pure captoor wur reel ghost on a picktoor.
Rite ah must go noo, coz ah am settin up the ghost busters teem fur laters.
Love tae big Presley the ghost huntur. xxxxx

Sockin Noos!

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee heer big Presley. Mollee said ewes widnae rememburs mee, but ah says ewes wood. See fing is this. Ah have bin rite sad that the little burd floo away frum hur nest and sum one stole hur eggs. Ma Mum fot it wiz the crows and shee said she found eggshell at the crows tree. Wee are pure gutted wiff that. But wur neybur telt ma Mum no tae cry, coz it wiz still errlee eenuff in the seeson fur it tae build an udder nest. So thats cool.
Noo the udder fing is this, and this is reel sad, coz see fing is am in trubbles again. Diz ewes rememburs that ah telt ewe that ma Feeonsee Rag came tae see mee on Valentines day and wee pure kissed frew the bars of the open prizon. Well ah herd that Rag is noo pregnants wiff pups. Ah swear tae masell that is the troof!! Ah kens ewes is pure SOCKED, ah wiz pure SOCKED two!!
Noo see fing is am going tae bee a Dad and mee and Rag isnae even marreed yet! Ah hoped that the puppeees wid look like mee, but maybee best that they look like Rag and have ma Brains! That is probablee the best combinashon.
Noo that is no the sad fing. The sad fing is that Mollee said ah wiznae the Dad tae Rags puppees. She said it wiz a dog called Noah, like yon bloke fae the bible, that built a big boat. But ah dont fink that thats troo. So ah pure went on hungur strike! Ah swear tae masell ah did. Ah says ah wiznae going tae eet anymores dinners until Mollee stopped saying that ma Rag had pure cheeted on mee. So ma Mum telt Mollee no tae upsets mee and shee stopped sayin it fankfoolee, coz that ment ah could eet ma dinners. Ah wiz pure starvin, but ah wiz dane it fur a coz. Coz a coold. Az seen a picktoor of Rag and shee is like pure fat wiff her puppees. Am no normalees intae fat burds, but ah fink ma babe Rag looks pure the biziness and ah loves hur.
Talking of fat burds.... Mollee pure did time in the cooler two days ago. See wit happined wiz thiz. Ma Dad loves chicken fur his dinner. So when wan of the nayburs chickens came into wur gardin, Mollee fot it wid bee cool tae give it two ma Dad fur his dinner times. But see fing is, when she went tae pick it up she pure kilt it. Ah swear tae masell that is the troof. So wit did shee do, but pure dropped it and walked away. So ah picked it up tae give tae ma Dad, but first ah ran aroond the garden wiff it, tae show everyboddees how cool ma Mollee wiz. Mum and Dad wiznae pleesed wiff mee, so ah had tae dae time wiff Mollee in the cooler. Theys are so ungratefool. Thats why ah havenae bin aloud on the compootur. So ah have bin a good boy fur a hole day noo, so am aloud tae use the compootur again.
Ah will speek tae ewes all soon. Big, Big, Big hugs fur ma Feeonsee Rag - ah pure loves ewe.
Love fae big Presley the King xxx
Am away tae fink of names fur ma puppeees!

One floo oot the robins nest

Hullo all ewes oot there, am rite sorree ah have no bin around, but see fing is, ah had a reel importants job tae do fur the past foo weaks.
Wit happined wiz thiz and ah swear tae masell, its an udder troo storee. Wees had two reelee massive kennel fings at the bottom of wur gardin and ah called them the coolers. Noo see fing iz ma Mum pure hated them and said they made hur eyes sore, cos she wiz always sayin to ma Dad, wee's need to get rid of they eye sores. Anyway, ma Unkill Davey is a joiner and he came doon to wur open prizon and he pure nocked wan doon. Unkill Davey is rite nice, but ah finks he is eesilee confoosed, coz hee said the kennel wiz raised to the ground! Noo fing is, how could that bee? If they were bean built, they wood be raised from the ground, but no raised to the ground, so ah fink ah will need tae have a wurd wiff him nexx time ah see's him aboot his ingillish. But thats no the storee ah wiz going tae tell ewes. See when hee went tae nock doon the udder kennel, he pure found a burds nest in it, so he stopped workin - any eggscoose will dae Unkill Davey fur a coffeee brake. It wiz a robins nest wiff 5 eggs in it. How eggsitetin is that eh?
So Unkill Davey couldnt disturb thems and he pit mee in charge of the seecooritee of the nest.
He said he wid come back and finish the job when the burds had pure flown the nest in a foo weeks.
The nest is rite high up, so ah canny see intae the nest, but ma Mum did manage tae get a picktoor of the burd in hur nest - shee took the picktoor frum miles away, so she didnae disturb thems.
Noo fing is, ah have bin pure sittin doon at the bottom of the gardin, all day pure guarding them eggs wiff ma life, and ah got ma Dad to check on thems a foo days ago and make soor theys were ok. Ewes will no beeleeve wit he said. This is a reel sock! Somewun had pure gone beehind ma back and stole 4 of the eggs! Ah swear that is the troof. Ah only had wan egg tae look efter and ma Mum wiz rite upsets.
Well noo fur the reelee sad noos. Ah have sat guardin the old kennel fur free weeks noo and ah havenae seen the mummy robin fur too days, an am rite upset, cos this wiz ma first job dane seecooritee and ah havenae bin paid yet.
Ma Mum also has bloo tits. Wate wan minnit!! Ah meens bloo tits in a nest, but they are reel safe coz they are in the old eggstractor vent in the wall of the prizon, rite beeside the turd cell where mee and Mollee lives. And, wee's has two crows nests in the big tree in the lane.
Noo ma feeree is that the crows have pure stole ma robins eggs, coz wee's disnae have any Magpies in wur gardin.
If ewes want to send a 'pleese come back' kard fur the robin, and sum monee fur mee tae bye it burd food, pleese send it to mee King Presley Cheef of Seecooritee at Lan Ark Open Prizon.
Ah will let ewe kens who stole the eggs, when ah find oot. Rite am off tae check on the emptee nest.
Love fae Presley the King xxx
Pee Ess, I will rite sum more toomorrows and tell ewe aboot ma brill day at the Costa Del Berwick, norff of Spane, neer ma Antee Noras.

Wit pig geed everyone the floo?

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee hear, big Presley. Noo, pleese disnae worree, its no mee and Mollee that has the pig floo. Wee is fine fanks, so ewes is no two worree. See sum of ewes fot that it must bee mee and Mollee that cot the pig floo cos ah havenae been around fur a while, but wees havenae bean tae Mexeeco. Well see fing is, ah have bin reelee bizzee wiff fings. Ah have dun so mutch, as disnae even ken where tae start, so ah will start wiff the most eggsiteting fing. Ah have a noo back pack fur ma holeedays. Its cool it haz Cheekee Monkee on it and it haz a seekret compartment fur ma Speedos. Mee and Mollee also got noo toys. Mollee got a poosee cat fing and ah got a dragon. So noo wee have two dragons hear, one fur mee and one fur ma Dad. Ah wiz rite pleesed tae see the old coolers bean knocked doon hear at the open prizon, so no more cooler fur mee!!! Well, one cooler has bean knocked doon but the udder one is still there and cannee bee knocked doon yet, coz sum burd has built a nest in it and ma Mum diznae want them pure disturbed. The good fing is, that wee's are getting wur very own swimmin pool in the gardin. Ah swears tae masell that is the troof. But ah herd ma Dad saying that he cannee wate until he's gets his crap in it. Eye, honest, that is wit he said. So ah fink ah will need sum doggells to proteck ma eyes befour ah go swimmin in wur noo pool. Ah will let ewes ken when wee gets wur swimmin pool and all the pure babes can come over tae mine fur sum skinnee dippin, but no collars pleese, onlee noodees aloud, so ewes dont get crap on ewer collar!
Noo, ah am reelee worreed that wees will have a pandemick in Lan Ark, coz fing iz, if there is a pandemick, ma Mum is no aloud tae work. Eye thats the troof, coz the Prime Priest (mollee says hee is called the prime minister, but am no soor), says that they will have tae creemate hoomans at ma Mums work, if there is a pandemick. Yuck. Noo if shee cannee work, mee an mollee will no bee ables to go on wur holeedaes, coz ma Mum will no have monee tae pay fur it.
So pleese rememburs no tae shake hands or paws wiff anybodee and tae wear a Michale Jacksun face mask, tae keep the pig floo away. Ah just hopes it wiznae ma pal Dora the pig who pure spread the floo, cos ah wiz speekin tae hur the udder day frew the fence.
Rite am away noo, tae blow ma nose, and cleen ma bits, just in case. Speek soon.
Love fae big Presley xxxxxxxxxx

Vooer deescreshon advised!

Hullo all ewes oot there, how are ewes today? Noo fing is, ah am reelee trommatised, and ah have had nitemares. This is a troo storee. See wit happined wiz this, yisterday wiz a reel nice hot day here at the open prizon and wees wur aloud oot in the exersise yard fur pure ages. Ma Mum and Dad wiz dane sum gardening, thats where they pool oot all the flowers and leeve all the weeds. Thats coz they diznae ken a flower frum a weed. Anyways, nexx fing wiz that ma Mum says 'ah have pure dun eenuff gardening and am away tae pit on ma summer clothes'. Well nexx fing wiz, shee pure appeered in the exersise yard in a tea shirt and white shorts!! Ah swears tae masell that is the troof. How gross is that? Yuck!! Niver in the hole of ma life have ah ever seen legs as white as that. Well once ah seen a turkee wiff legs like that. Mollee pure laffed, but ah couldnae beeleeve wit ah wiz seen and thats why ah have bin trommatised ever since and when ewes see the picktoors ah finks ewe will agree. Ah fink ah will start a campane, fur tae tell ma Mum tae keep they legs under cover fur the next 40 yeers.

Sum vooers may find these picktoors dissturbin, so caushon is advised.

OMG check oot the nick of those legs!!

The only wan the wiznae trommatised wiz Wizzard coz hee cannee see, so Ruby pit the glasses on coz she couldnae see either and felt betturs rite away.

Ma Mum dressin like that wiz pure torture for uz and ah fink that wee need tae rename wur prizon frum the Lan Ark open prizon, tae Guantanomo Bay, cos they are into torture too.

Ah will need tae go back and see ma sikyatrist noo tae get over ma trommar.

Love fae Big Presley The King xxx

Campin on the Motorways

Hullo all ewes oot there in sybee land, how are ewes all todays? Fank ewes very mutch for all the eemales ewes have sent mee fur Charlee tae say 'pleese do not self harm', ah fink it worked coz ah havenae seen hur pool hur fur oot for aboot two days noo.
Diz ewe rememburs that ah telt ewes aboot the time ma Mum wiz doon in Engerland wiff hur work and a caravan pure went on the wacky races wiff the car that wiz ment to bee towing it? Well ewes will no beeleeve wit am aboot tae tell ewes this time, but ah swear its the troof. A foo days ago ma Dad went tae Engerland fur tae help ma Mum wiff work and rite at the same place as the caravan wiz crashed wiz peepells campin on the motorways. Honest that is the troof. See wit happined wiz this. Ma Dad wiz drivin up the motorways and nexx fing he see's is the car in front of him pure breakin. Ma Dad slowed rite down and seen that peepells up ahead had a roof rack fing that wiz open and all there camping geer wiz on the motorways. Ah fink they must have reel liked that spot fur tae camp oot. Noo ah diznae fink ewes should try this at home, coz ah fink it is rite danegeros fur tae camp on the motorways and ewes could get a parkin ticket. Ah kens a rite nice camp site fur tae pit up a tent, but ah canny tells ewe where it is, udder wise ah wid bee mobbed when ah went on holeedays campin. Noo ah wid also like tae point oot that when ah says ah go campin, ah meens that when ah goes on holeedays that ah live in a tent. But ah can tells ewe that ah telt Fat Bazil that campin ment he had tae walk funnee and take a pink backpack. So when Bazil goes campin hee looks reel funnee and all the udder dogs pure stay away frum him. Ma Mollee telt mee that wiznae a nice fing tae do tae Bazil the Brush, but ah fot it wiz cool. Am away tae get ma backpack redee fur ma nexx holeedae, ah always pack ma speedos in case wee go neer watur.
Speek soon, love fae big Presley The King xxxxxxxxxxx

Self harmin

Hullo its mee again, big Presley. Noo ah kens ewe wid have bin socked at wit ah telt ewes yesterday aboot ma Mum sayin she wiz going tae see ill divo and she only pure went an seen 4 men insted, but ma storee today will pure sock ewe even more.

Ah swear tae masell this is the troof wit am aboot tae tell ewes. Sum of ewes will ken that ah have a sistur called Charlee. Noo she is a girl, but shee is a poosee cat and shee is white. Am no soor how shee became ma sistur coz she is white and ah am black, but she is.

Anyway when ah went tae visit ma sistur in hur cell witch is at the udder end of the prizon frum mee and mollee, ah pure seen big clumps of hur white fur lying on the floor, like she had bean tae the fur dressers or sumfin. Ah didnae like tae say anyfun tae hur, coz ah didnae want tae give hur a complexshon, and shee could end up baldee like Macs back bottom. So ah desided that ah wid get sum advice on the deleeket matter frum ma booteefool Mollee. Mollee says that shee diznae ken any baldee poosee cats, so she fot that maybee Hilda had geed hur a tankin and thats how shee lost all hur fur. Ah fot tae masell, if that is the troof, maybee Hilda will be sent tae a mare seecoor prizon and no bee aloud tae live at the open prizon.

Noo ah wiz rite worreed fur Charlee gettin a tankin, so ah went back tae visit hur, and ewes will no beeleeve wit ah seen. She wiz pure dane it tae hersell. Ah swear she wiz. She wiz like pure self harmin, poolin big chunks of fur oot of hersell. She does this tae hersell when shee has rubbed hersell in cat nip. Ah fink thats why its called cat nip, coz once they rub in it, they pure nips themsells. So, ah fink Charlee will need tae get help frum a sykiatrist tae stop hur frum self harmin, udder wize shee will end up lookin like the cat in the picktoor.

The beefour and efter picktoors of wit Charlee will look like if shee pure self harms.

Pleese send 'Do not self harm kards' to Charlee at wur open prizon and shee will feel betters.

Lots of love big Presley - Charlees big bruver. xxxxxxxx

Divo is no ill.

Hullo all ewes, its mee hear big Presley, and ah have an udder troo storee fur tae tell ewes.

See wit happined wiz this, ma Mum telt me tae bee a good boy coz she wiz going oot tae see ill divo! Noo, fing iz this, I disnae even ken a dug called divo, let alone that he wiz ill, so ah fot shee wiz like going tae the hospeetal tae visit him or sumfin. So ah says tae ma Mollee, do ewe fink wee should make a get well soon kard fur divo? Mollee wiz pure laffin and ah diznae ken why. She says ill divo is 4 singurs. Ah says wit are ewe talkin aboot Mollee?.

Noo, pleese try and keep up wiff this storee. So Mollee telt mee that divo wiznae a dug, but 4 singurs called Daveed, Karloss, Sebassteean, and Oooooooree! Ah fot that cannee bee rite, so ah pure checked oot ma Mums compootur when shee came home and soor eenuff, there wur picktoors of blokes on it, pure like singing tae ma Mum. Hear iz sum picktoors that ah took frum hur compootur.

This is Karloss

This is ill Divo - disnae look ill tae mee!

This is Sebassteean - ah fink
Noo ah disnae ken if ma Dad finks ma Mum is going tae see an ill dug, but that is wit shee telt mee, so ah guess she telt him the same fing. But WEE kens better!! Diz they look ill tae ewe??

Gettin so close tae ma Mum like that, they wur luckee theys managed tae eescape, udder wise they wid bee held prizoner at the Lan Ark open prizon. Noo pleese dont tell ma Dad aboot this, cos hee will bee rite upset and ah widnae like that.

So if ma Mum tells ewes shee is going tae see ill divo, ewes will ken shee is pure cheetin on ma Dad. Ah widnae cheet on ma Mollee, unless it wiz wiff wan of ma reel pure babes.

Lots of love big Presley The King xxxxxxxxxx

Pee Ess, if ewe wants tae heer them singing, ewe can heer them singing Amasin Grace on ma Mums website coz that is the song she pit wiff 'our in memoree' of all ma bruvers and sisters that are running free at Rainbows Bridge. xx

Guess who came tae visit mee?

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear big Presley The King.
Well ah have an udder troo storee fur ewes. See fing iz, yisterday ah herd ma Mum coming home from hur work and then ma Mum and Dad came into ma prizon cell, witch is the turd one doon the corridor, and they telt me and Mollee wees had a visitur. A fot that wiz pure dead brillent coz wee don't get many visiturs. The last visitur ah had wiz ma Feeonsee Rag and hur sisturs, when they visited mee on Valentines Day. So wee went oot into the garden and ewes will no beeleeve who had come tae visit us. Can ewes guess? Will ah give ewes a cloo? It wiz none udder than ma very own Antee Rachels! Yes, thats troo, ah swear tae masell. How cool wiz that? Ma very own Antee Rachels. Ah went pure nuts and jumped all over hur! Ah loves ma Antee Rachels. Noo fing iz, normalees when ma antee Rachels comes tae visit, its coz ma Mum and Dad are going away fur a foo days, but ma Antee Rachels just pure came tae visit mee. Am no sure how shee got hear, but ah fink she maybee took the bus and the train or sumfin. The sad fing is, she couldnae stay long, and shee had to leaf. Ah wiz rite sad aboot that. Mollee wiz rite sad that Unkill Eddee wiznae wiff her, coz Mollee pure loves him. Antee Rachels if ewe is reedin this, can ewe pleese come back and stay wiff us soon and wee will have an udder rave.
Ah have a questshon fur ewes all. The udder day ah seen a Seep that had too lamms. Noo fing is wan lamm wiz white and wan lamm wiz black. Ah dont ken how that happined but ah have sum ideers. Anyways, ma questshon is this. Do ewe fink that the white lamm finks he is black, and the black lamm finks hee is white? Pleese fink aboot ma questshon and send ewer ansurs tae mee at ma eemale address. The winner gets a free pass tae visit mee at the open prizon, that is if its a pure babe that wins.
Am away noo tae take care of biziness. Love Big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxx

Mee Maw, Mee Maw, Mee Maw

Hullo all ewes its mee big Presley. Noo ma Mollee always laffs when ah rites that at the start, coz she says ewes all kens its mee, but fing iz, wit if somewon else rote ma blog, ewes widnae ken, so thats why ah always say if its mee or not - see, am no as daft as a look!
Sum of ewes will remembur that ah want tae bee a Pollis Dug when ah grow up, so that ah can chase bad peepells and when ah catch them ah can bites them, well ah wiz wunderin if Fire Mens have Fire Dugs, coz ah fink ah wid like tae bee a Rescoo Dug. Ma Mollee says that am allreddy a Rescoo dug, but wit ah meens iz a dug that rescoo's peepells, coz ah could pool there arms and legs and fings when ah rescoos them and thats cool game tae play.
Anyways wit happined wiz this. Mee and Mollee wiz oot wiff ma Mum in the car wiff the dark windaes that wee can see oot, but nobuddee can see in, so nobuddee kens that mee, the famoss King wiz in the car. Wee were behind a huge big lorree, but there wiz like bloo smoke comin frum the lorree, and it wiz so bad ma Mum had tae slow doon tae aboot 120mph. Ah wiz pure yellin at the man tae stop his lorree, but he kept going. Nexx fing wee herd a huge big BANG! Ma Mum fot the tyre had blown on the lorree, and the man stopped at the side of the road, so ma Mum passed him, and az wee got in line wiff the bit where the lorree joins up wiff the bit that drives the lorree, we pure seen the biggest fire wees have ever seen in the hole of our lives. This was even bigger than the time ma Dad had a Bar Bee Q and set wur trees on fire, ah swear tae masell it wiz. The lorree driver wiz like still sittin in his cab fing, until he seen ma Mum stop and pure run towards him, so he got oot tae see wit ma Mum wanted. Noo this is the funnee bit, coz ewe wood have fot ma Mum wiz tryin tae help the man, but she only went and said tae him 'have ewe got a fone'? Wit wiz all that aboot? Ah fot she should have says tae him, 'pure run fur ewer life, ewer big lorree is on fire'. Why ask the poor man if hee had a fone? The man then seen the flames, but hee pure jumped back into his cab fing, witch wiz fool of fick black smoke in aboot 2 seconds. Ah says tae ma Mollee ah will need tae help! Shee said wit are ewe going tae do Presley? Mollee wiz pure greetin coz shee didnae want me tae help in case ah hurted masell. So ah says watch this Mollee.....and do ewe kens wit ah did? Ah preetened that ah wiz a Fire Dug and started tae yell. Mee Maw, Mee Maw, Mee Maw, Mee Maw. Mollee wiz pure rite impressed wiff that, cos that wiz a rite pure important job, coz the man jumped oot of his cab cos he fot it wiz the Fire Men comin tae help, so ah like pure saved him. We went off tae the park efter that, but ah wiz Mollees reel life heero, fur saving that man. How cool is that?
Love fae big Presley the Fire Dug Heero xxxxxxx

Grand Natshonal Day.

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear again. Listen did any of ewes ken it wiz Grand Natshonals Day? Well see fing iz, ah neerlee forgot, but ah herd ma Dad sayin tae ma Mum somfin aboot a dog called Noah, and he wiz in a sort of Grand Natshonal today. Am no soor who Noah is.
Anyways, ah had a look at the noospaper and picked oot sum horses fur tae win the race, or no tae win the race az it happined. Noo, fing iz ah don't like it when the horses pure fall or get hurted, and ma Mum and ma Mollee pure cries, so wee diznae watch the race, but this is the horses ah picked fur ma bruvers and sisters.
1. Priests Leap - Ma horse, but ah fot it said Presley's Leap!
2. Ramblin Minster - Mum - but ah fot it said Ramblin Minister coz of ma Mums job!
3. Black Apalachi - Mac - becoz big Mac is black!
4. Stan - Stan, coz that iz his name!
5. Ollie Magern - efter ma bruver Olly that died at Noo Yeers!
6. Big Fella Fanks - Mollee's horse, coz shee always says that two mee!
7. Comply or Die - Roobee's horse, coz shee is pure the boss at the prizon!
8. Irish Invader - efter ma bruver Ivor, coz he wiz frum Eye-er-land.
9. Idle Talk - Bazils horse, coz Bazil iz always talkin nonsense!
10. Can't Buy Time - Wizzee's horse, coz that must bee an old horse!
Noo the fing iz, the onlee wan that did any good wiz Comply or Die, ma Roobee's horse and ah should have pit all 23p of ma pocket monee on that horse tae win in second place, but ah didnae so ah didnae win anyfin.
Am noo away tae pick sum numburs fur the lotteree, so ah can buy a beetch hut at Norff Berwick fur ma summer holeedaes.
Love fae big Presley the Gamblur xxxxxxx

Wizzee's Mug Shot!!

Hullo all ewes oot there, fank ewe fur agreeing that ma Roobee iz a pure babe. Noo sum of ewes asked how auld Wizzee Wonga iz, well am happee to reports that hee iz dane fine and ah will tell ewes a troo storee about him. When ah seen Roobee gettin hur picktoor took yisterday, ah says tae Wizzee Wonga, ewe will need tae get ewer picktoor taken. He said, wit fur? Ah telt him wees wur getting noo mug shots taken fur wur prizon ID kards. (ID stands fur 'Inn Deetenshon'), so auld Wizzee wanders off tae find oot when it wiz hiz turn fur tae have his foto took. He pure wandered aroond the garden fur aboot two hours, and ah wiz laffin, but ma Mollee said that it wiznae funnee tae laff at Wizzee, coz Wizzee cannee see. So, ah says, Wizzee, ewe need tae go intae the front garden, and ah fink this did help him, coz he eventooallee found ma Dad wiff his camera. Ah says tae Wizzee Wong, dont smile, its no a picktoor fur the familee foto albums, its a front voo mug shot! This is the result. Noo, pleese do not laffs, coz its not hiz falt hee looks like this, but check oot the nick of auld Wizzee the Wonga! This is the best Mug Shot ah has ever seen in the hole of ma life.

Auld Wizzee the Wonga's Mug Shot!!

Ah will see if ah can find any more picktoors fur ewes tae look at, or should that be laff at?

Love fae big Presley the King xxxx.

Reemarkable Roobee

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear Big Presley....noo, everyboddees pure loved ma Mambo Numbur Free, but they says it wiznae mee that rote the wurds, well ah swears tae masell it wiz.
But wan fing....ah didnae menshon ma big sister ROOBEE, she is pure a babe! Ah fot ah wid let ewes all see jist how mutch a babe she reelee is!! Ma Dad took these picktoors todaes, of ma udder number wan babe, and ma Mum's numbur wan babe!! Enjoys!! and if ewe are sad coz ewe fink life wiznae kind two ewe, look at ma babe!









Ma Roobee on Free Legs, pure enjoying life to the fool




Is that no the happiest babe ewes have ever seen??





I'm PROUD TAE SAE THIS IS MA BIG SISTER ROOBEEE!!
Lots of love Big Presley...Count ewer blessings day by day xxxx

Mambo Numbur Free

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee here big Presley, its been a rite cool day hear at Lan Ark and ah fot it wiz jist like summer times, so ah rote a toone fur all ma babes.
Noo, ewes will ken the song Mambo numbur 5, well this is Presley's Mambo Numbur Free and it goes like this:

A little bit of Mollee in my life
A little bit of Daisy by my side
A little bit of Cas is all ah need
A little bit of Tina is what ah see
A little bit of Shasha in the sun
A little bit of Millie all nite long
A little bit of Ragsee hear I am
A little bit of ewe makes me ewer man

Jump up and down and move it all around
Sharke ewer butt to the sound, put ewer paws to the ground
Take one step left and one step right
One to the front and one to the side
Clap ewer paws onces and clap ewer paws twice
And if it looks like this then ewer leep froggin rite

A little bit of Mollee in my life
A little bit of Daisy by my side
A little bit of Cas is all ah need
A little bit of Tina is what ah see
A little bit of Sasha in the sun
A little bit of Millie all nite long
A littel bit of Ragsee hear I am
A little bit of me makes me ewer man

Crumpet, Crumpet
Mambo numbur free
I do all to fall in love wiff a babe like ewe
Ewe cant run and ewe cant hide, ewe and mee gone make sum pups.

The End

Ewes can sing the Korus again if ewes want, but ah fot that wiz eenuff.
I hope ewes all enjoyed ma vershon of Mambo Numbur Free, Dedicated to all ma numbur wan babes in the world by Big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxx

Work fur nuffin - how fick is that?

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee hear big Presley, ah have a funnee storee two tells ewes all and ah swears its the troof. Noo thiz iz called a Sen-aree-oh, fur unedoocated peepells that meens ah will gives ewes a sitooashon and ewes can fink aboot the ansur. Noo, what if ah suggested two ewes that ewe worked 24 hoors a day, 7 days a weak, every single day of the hole yeer. Noo wate wan minit am no finished yet! If that wiznae bad eenuff, wit if ah said two ewes that ewes have tae day this fur the love of workin and ewes widnae get paid fur doing it. Well, ah fink ewes wid say tae mee 'Presley ewe is pure off ewer nut man, wees iz no workin fur nuffin'. See ah fot that is wit ewes wid say. So could someone, pleese tell ma Mum that, coz if shee keeps workin fur nuffin, mee and Mollee will soon bee homeless and wee will end up on the street dane a can collectshon tipe fing tae get monee fur wur dinner.
See, sum of ewes ken that ma Mum iz an Undertaker, a speshall one fur pets. Noo fing iz she started this business cos, 4 yeers ago she paid £200 fur hur dog Kaz tae have his neck broken, bee flung in a bag, a tag flung on him, flung in a van, then flung in freezer and his ashes returned tae her (ok hur naybur, coz they made a mistake), 10 days later - but thats no wit shee wanted fur him, but thats who hur vet recommended and they said Kaz wid bee well looked efter - eye very good - how mutch did the vet get paid fur that!! Noo fing iz thiz, the peepells that did that back then are still pure crematin dugs and cats all over the place. Ma Mum fot that wiz reelee rong tae day that tae pets, so shee became an Undertaker fur tae do the job properlee. Fing is, its no cheep tae creemate a pet, espeshally coz ma Mum drives wiff only wan pet to Engerland and its only wan pet that is creemated at wan time, and she pure goes back tae the family usuallee wiffin about 6 hours efter the creemashon. Sum times ma Mum can work fur 14 hours in wan dae, witch is a lot, coz mee and Mollee is sumtimes in bed when shee comes home. So fing is, peepells have tae ask themselves if theys kens someone who can acktooalee dae the same job as ma Mum and bee cheeper, its imposseebell. Let mee gee ewes an exampells: if ewes want tae bye a Diamond, ewe can get the reel fing, or ewe can buy a fing called a Diamontay. Noo they may both look similars, but they are anyfin butt.
Ah cannee beeleeve how fick ma Mum iz, so if ewes see a rite handsum Pedigree Lurcher and a little Greyhound sitting wiff an old wumin in Argyle Street or Princess Street, wid ewes pleese spare us sum monee fur wur dinner. Am away tae have a wurd wiff ma Mum aboot hur biziness, just called me Allan Sugar Presley xxx

Fly Me to Dunoon!

Hullo all ewes oot there, am rite pleesed ewe all liked ma Fillosifers Guide, and for all ewes that didnae, well thats jist tuff. Some of ewes asked mee if ah wid rite 'Presleys the Fillosifers Guide Fur Hoomans', coz am so smart, but ah fink ewe is confoosin mee wiff the udder grate fillosifer Pluto the dog, or wiz that Plato, am no soor. But hear iz a foo for ma fannees.
Noo ewes all ken that ah live everydae as though it is ma last, this is coz wan dae it will bee!
If ewe dont want anyone tae get on ewer goat, don't tell anywan where ewe tied it up!
Wise men niver play leep frog wiff a Unicorn!
A man who sleeps on a bed of nales is a hollee man!
Men who smoke pot, choke on the handell!
Bootee is onlee a lite switch away!
Men who eet toast in bed get a crummee sleep!
and finallee...one mare,
Man who runs behind car or caravan, gets exhausted!
witch leeds mee on tae ma storee fur todae......
Ah wiz eeree wiggin (fur unedoocated peepells that meens - listenin tae wits noffin tae dae wiff mee), and herd ma Mum tell ma Dad a rite troo storee that happined todaes when ma Mum wiz comin home fae work in Engerland. Noo, fing iz mee and Mollee fot this wiz reel funnee, but ma Mum didnae, coz shee hasnae got a sense of hoomur. Ma Mum wiz on the M6 (no tae bee confoosed wiff MI6), at junckshon 44 heading Norff, and shee seen, comin Souff, a car and beehind the car wiz a caravan. Nexx fing, the caravan pure overtook the car! Ah swears tae masell that iz the troof! Noo fing iz ma Mollee started tae giggle like she does, but ah wanted tae ken who wiz pure driving the caravan - coz am a finker! But ah found oot later that naebuddee wiz drivin the caravan, it jist pure went itsell. Next fing the car, pooled on tae the hard shoulder of the motorwae, but the caravan carried on, dane aboot 90 mph. How cool iz that?? Ah fink the caravan wiz in a hurree tae get tae where it wiz going. But nexx fing, Wham, Bam, and the caravan pure crashed into the reservation. Noo, ah didnae ken they had Ingin Reservations on a Motorway, but thats wit ma Mum said, so who am ah too argoo? Mee and Mollee wur pure laffin bye now, but ma Mum wiz pure upset and sad fur the man, coz ma Mum used tae have a caravan, so she kens how eezee it can happin. Then Mollee wiz sad coz Mum wiz sad.
So tae cheer ma Mollee up, ah telt hur, that it will bee summer times twomorrow and ah telt hur the storee aboot Humptee Dumptee.
Humptee Dumptee had a grate fall, efter a poor summer! Mollee didnae laff at that wan, so ah jist sung a song tae hur. Ah pure likes that song by Francs Sinnatras called Fly Mee two Dunoon.
Everytime ah heers that song ah fink of ma Antee Karen who lives there wiff hur babes.
Am lookin forward tae gettin ma dinner wan hour earlee tomorrows!
Love fae big Presley the King. xxxxxxxxxxx

Sneek Preevoo of ma Ruff Guide

Hullo all ewes oot there, how are ewes all todaes? Ah wiz going tae tell ewes aboot the seeps in the feeld next tae mee, but ma Mum says that ma Antee Tree from Engerland told hur that her dog Big Tom has a noo job. Hee has pure only gone and got himsell a top notch job!! Ah swear tae masell that is the troof. See wit hee has done is got himsell wan of they jobs where hee goes around and visits old peepells and they pat him all day and then they gee him loads of biskits, fur lettin them pat him. How cool is that? Well done Tom that is a rite cool job and hee hasnae even red ma Ruff Guide. Ah fink ma bruver Fat Bazil wood like a cool job like that, cos hee likes biskits. Ah fot ewes wood like a sneek preevoo of ma noo book witch is called Presley the Fillosifers Ruff Guide to Surviving.
1. No one is listening too ewe until ewe cleen oot ewer bits!
2. Always rememburs, ewe are numbur wan Dog, until ewer Mum gets an udder dog.
3. Eggspeereeanse is somefin ewe dont get until efter ewe needed it.
4. Don't ever let a vet take ewer tempratoor. (this is also in ma ruff guide tae vets).
5. Niver test the depth of water wiff all four paws.
6. If at first ewe dont suckseed, then parashootin isnae fur ewe.
7. If ewe fink ewer Mum disnae ken if ewe is alive or deed, try poo'in on the carpet.
8. Don't beeleeve in reincarnashon, ah didnt when ah wiz a Poodell.
9. If a Rotti steels ewer bone and ewe dont ever see him again, it wiz probablee worff it.
10. Playing Leep Frog wiff a numbur wan beetch is like the air wee breeve, its no that important until ewe cannee get it.
11.Some days ewe is the Greyhound, some days ewe is the Rabbitt.
12. There are two good feeree's about arguing wiff Mollee, but none of thems works.
13. Dont ever let the vet sedate ewe, just tae gee ewe a laxative.
14. Gee mee a can of dog food an ah will eet fur the dae, show mee where ewe keep the food and ah will sit an eet all dae.
15. Before ewe yell at an udder dog, make sure ewe have an eescape root.
16. If ewe is always well behaved ewer Mum will no ken when ewe is bean good and deserve a reward.
17. Always rememburs ewe are one of a kind, just like all the udder dogs.

That is sum of ma hints and tips from ma Ruff Guide - Presley the Fillosifer. Ah fink ewe will soon bee able tae bye a copy of ma book, fur aboot, 57 and a half pence. (no Ewero's pleese).
Speek tae ewes all soon, and well dun tae big Tom ma best Greyhound friend frum Engerland.
Love Big Presley xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Am two cliver tae go tae the Park!!

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee hear Big Presley. Am sorree ah have no bin on hear for a long times, but ah have bean bizzee riting ma seerees of Ruff Guides. Ah have rit the Ruff Guide tae stayin in Kennells, the Ruff Guide tae visitin the Vet Docktor, the Ruff Guide tae going on holeedays, the Ruff Guide tae going tae training classes, and ma speshall wan, Presleys Ruff Guide tae bean a King. Udder than all that, ah have bin lookin after ma Roobee. Roobee is ma sister wiff the free legs. Ma Mum fot Roobee wiznae well coz she had a lump on hur side, so Roobee wiz taken tae the Vet Docktur fur an eggsaminashon. Noo see fing iz Roobee didnae reed ma Ruff guide tae going tae the Vet Docktur and only went an let him take hur temperatoor. Yuck man that is pure horrid. Anyways, the Vet Docktur did a fing called a Byeopsee. Noo wit that meens, iz that he took a bit of Roobees lump away and tested it, tae see wit it was. It turned oot tae bee a fing called a Fattee Kurd - ah fink thats how ewe spell it. Ah swears tae masell that is the troof. Niver in ma hole life have ah herd of a Fattee Kurd. Ave herd of a Fattee Burd and ave herd of Lemon Kurd, but no a Fattee Kurd, so am no soor if ma Mum herd him rite. Anyways, ma Roobee is doin grate and shee is a rite happee babe. Probablee coz shee lives wiff mee.
Anyways, wit diz ewes make of all the peepells writing blogs tae bee like mee, big Presley - how cool is that? But see fing iz, am rite bored wiff them jist sayin fings like, todaes ah went tae the park! Wit is that all aboot?? Ah entered the Sundae Male blog compeetishon fing, but wit have theys gone and done, but chosen an udder two Spangles to rite in. Am no a Spangle so ah fink ah will no bee in that paper. But see fing iz ah have a fing called copyrite on all ma troo storees, so no udder dog/s can coppee mee, so if ewes want a good laff, ewes will need tae keep reedin ma blog on hear. Ah fink ah am too cliver fur thems, coz if ah jist rote that ah went tae the park everydae, ewes wood fink ah wiznae the King and ah cannee have that.
Well am away oot noo, but no tae the Park, am away oot tae say hullo tae the dugs who lives nexx door tae us, they are called Dizzee and Shadough. Tomorrows ah will tells ewes aboot ma troo eggspeereeanse when ah decided tae count sum Seep in the feeld.
Love fae big Presley the King xxx

Compeetishon time - Spot the differense

Hullo all ewes oot there, am sorree ah havenae bean on ma blog, but ah have bin ansuring all ma eemales from ma fans.... oh eye, and ah have bean playin in the gerdin wiff ma Molleee coz it wiz rite sunnee and ah have bin writing ma Ruff Guide tae Stayin in Kennells.

Anyways, ewes all want tae see a picktoor of ma Feeonsee Rag, coz sum of ewes dont beeleeve that ah even kens a reel Cruffts babe. Ah will need tae ask ma Antee Noras if ah can show ewes hur picktoor, but am no wantin all the udder dugs tae fall in love wiff hur.

Its a rite nice day hear at the open prizon in Lan Ark, so ah fot ah wid let all ma noo fans play a game. The game is called spot the differense. Noo ah have pit two picktoors of mee and ewes will need to studee them very carefoolees and fink aboot what the differense is between them.

Noo the winner of the compeetishon gets tae spend the hole day wiff mee!! Well onlee if its a cool babe that wins. If a boy dug wins, well he must have bin cheetin and so hee canee win!.

Have fun and ah will bee back soon. Love fae Big Presley the King xxx

SPOT THE DIFFERENSE!!

All aboot mee

Hullo everybuddee, its mee again big Presley.
Im feelin very mutch better noo fanks, and I wanted tae say fank ewe to all the peepells who sent mee Get Well Big Presley the King Cards.
Noo fing is this, ah have a rite lot to tell ewes aboot that has happined to mee since ah have bin sick, and one fing was aboot the numbur of dugs who is tryin to bee like me, big Presley.
Then what happined wiz thiz, ah wiz lookin at all the beetches in the Sunday Mail pet page, and ah seen an advert looking fur dugs tae contack them, who has a blog or wants a blog. So ah contackted them and told them aboot ma blog. This blog fing is funnee, becoz, all ma troo followers ken mee and have bin reedin ma blog from the start when ah wiz jist a puppee. Ah fink it will be rite confoosin fur noo peepells to understand wit it is am talkin aboot. So tae save them frum reedin all ma blog since 2007, I will give ewes a reminder aboot who ah am.

Ma Name iz: Presley The King ('The' is ma middull name)
I Live at: Lan Ark Open Prizon
Born: In Edinburger and lived in Glesga
Nationalitee: Scotteesh Rescoo Dug
Age: Free and a half (my birffday is in Joon - every yeer)
Dug Tipe: I am a Pedigree Lurcher
Martital Statos: I live wiff ma beetch Greyhound called Mollee and I have a Feeonsee called Rag
Sibblins: I live wiff 4 udder Greyhounds sum are Lurchers, 4 cats and 1 budgee/canaree fing.
There names are: Mac, Roobee, Bazil, Wizard, Charlee, Stan & Hilda, Six and Tineel
Hobbees: Bean the Class Clown an goin tae Norff Berrick tae see ma Feeonsee Rag
Ambishon: To eescape from ma prizon and too marree as many beetches as possibill.
Best Day: Ah wiz on the tellys - ah swear tae masell that iz the troof

Noo fing is, if ewe want tae find out more aboot mee, ewe will need tae check oot ma blog from the begining. There are sum picktoors of mee as a puppee, wiff ma reel bruver Aaron, and udder fings ah have dun in ma life.
Hope ewes enjoy.
Love fae big Presley the King xxx

Diz ma Bum look big in thiz?

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee Big Presley hear, am Back!!!. Fank ewe fur all ewer kind wisses, fur mee tae get betturs. Ah didnae ken wit wiz the matters wiff mee, an ah got reelee finn. Noo most of ewes will ken, that Lurchers are Finn dugs anyways, but ah wiz like reelee reelee finn. Normallees finn dugs are built fur speed, but see ah wiz so finn, ah had no energee and ah wiz even slower than Wizzy Wong! Eye thats troo, ah swears tae masell. A snale in the gardin wiz runnin fastur than mee. Ma Mum wiz like pure greetin coz ah wiz so finn and she foned the Vet Docktur, coz no matters how mutch shee wiz feedin mee ah wiz still gettin finner.

Ah wiz gettin fed Tripe free times a day. Noo am no talkin aboot ma Mum's cookin, am talkin aboot reel Tripe, the kind ewes bye frum the Bootcher. An ah wiz gettin Mince, no the mince ma Mum normallee cooks fur mee, ah wiz gettin lambs mince. Ma Antee Noras said tae ma Mum tae gee mee pasta and pottatoes, so ah wiz gettin that two. It wiz pure the biziness. Noo fing iz wiff all thiz eggstra food, ah had tae bee fast. Well ah had tae run rite fast oot tae the gerdin tae dae ma poo's, so geein mee all this eggstra food reelee worked rite good.

Noo thiz iz the yuckee bit, but ma Mum fot shee wid take a fotograff of ma back bottom fur mee tae show ewes tae see if ewes fink ma back bottom is still Finn.

Thiz iz ma back bottom noo







Ah fink its lookin good, its no ma best voo, but ewes can see am all betturs.
Noo, ah have lots of fings ah need tae tell ewes aboot, but ah will rite aboot thems over the nexx foo days. One fing iz aboot the numbur of peepells who are copyin mee, by havin blogs and ritetin books. Ah fink its coz they all want tae bee like mee, but there will only bee Wan King.
The udder fing iz, that am going tae rite doon wit all ma wurds meens, coz ma Antee Tree iz frum Engerland an shee will maybee no understand wit it iz am sayin in ma blog. Ah fink ah will need tae get ma Mum tae dae that fur mee, coz am no very good at spellin.
The turd fing iz, that ah have a noo pal. Yes its troo, an udder noo pal. His name iz Malarkee (or sumfin like that). Hee iz pure rite cool and lives wiff ma Antee Haylee and Unkill Jaysun.
So ah must go fur noo, but ah will bee back soon.
Lots of love fae big FAT Presley xxxxxxxxxxxx

Captin iz noo at Rainbow Bridge

Hullo all ewes oot there.
Ma Mum iz pure away on holleedaes, so ah have hud tae sneek on hear tae post.
Fing iz, ah kens ewes fink az am the proffitt of doom and gloom, wiff all ma bad noos, but ah fot az wid let ewe kens that wee Captin wur burdee pure died this mornins. Ma Mum will bee pure devasstated when shee comes home and finds that oot. Hee pure like jizt died. Ma Mum got him fae the pet sopp, coz hee wiz baldee and hee loved livin hear wiff uz and hiz noo burd Tineel.
Wee´s do not ken wits happined, but its pure sad that hee died on ma Mums birffday.
Ah hopes ma Mum iz havin a pured dead brillent times, coz mee and Mollee iz.
Ah better go, coz am havin such a grate times, and ah diznae want tae bee poot in the cooler fur bean on the compootar.
Ah will speek soon, when am no havin so mutch fun. But ah am bean sad aboot Captin too.
Love fae big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxxx

Wee Zorro ah loved ewe.

Deer everyboddees,

Ah promissed that ah wid let ewes ken how Zorro got on at the Vet Docktur, an am reelee sorree tae say that ma bruver Zorro haz noo gone tae Rainbow Bridge.

Wee Zorro, came tae live wiff uz on 3rd Novembur 2007 - only 16 monffs ago. Ma Mum seen an advert in the paper, asking for someone tae take on a 'sprightly 20yr old cat, who needed a quiet indoor home. Hee wiz on medikatshon fur life, efter the owner took ill and couldnae look efter him and hiz companion Charlee, who wiz only 11yrs old'. The Cats Proteckshon peepells said they wid pay fur hiz Vet treetment fur the rest of hiz life, but ma Mum pure hates peepells who takes advantage of that tipes of situation coz ma Mum kens sum peepells who get pets and lets charitees pay fur vet fees, when theys can afford tae pay fur their ane pets medikashon. So ma Mum says, if ah am tae bee Zorro's mummy, ah will pay fur hiz medikashon and ewes can use the monee tae help pay for udder cats.

They pure introdooced ma Mum tae Zorro, who wiz called Zara at the time - eye ah swears tae masell that iz the troof - a boy cat wiff a wumins name! But hee wiznae a transeggshall cat, so ma Mum says, ah fink wee will call ewe a reel mans name and call ewe ZORRO!

Ma Mum fell in love wiff wee Zorro and said shee wid love him forever, then the they let ma Mum see hiz companion Charlee. Charlee wiz a girl (wiff a boys name), but shee wiz like a pure modell babe. The cats proteckshon peepells widnae let anybuddees see Charlee first, coz everybuddee pure fanceed hur and Zorro wiz just plane Zorro, but they kent ma Mum and Dad wid love Zorro forever, even if hee wiznae handsum.

When Zorro came tae live wiff uz, hee couldnae even get up on the bed, and hee wiz affeckshonatelee kent az the 'Weekest Link', so ma Mum went an got him a set of stairs tae clime on the bed. Honest, that iz the troof. Wee had a birffdae partee fur Zorro last August when hee wiz 21 yeers old. Ma Mum telt the cat proteckshon peepells, who couldnae beeleeve hee wiz still rite enjoying life. Wee Zorro haz got wursur healff wize over the past foo daes and sadlee Zorro, wiznae ever goin tae get betturs, and hee wiz rite ill over the past 12 hours. Ma Mum fot hee wid jist get more medikashon frum the Vet Docktur, but the Vet pure eggasmined him and went an preepared the stuff fur tae let Zorro leeve the mateereal world wiff dignitee.

Ma Mum and Dad are rite upsets, so ah will have tae go and gee them a cuddell. I kens that Zorro will bee happee at Rainbow Bridge, coz sum of hiz pals are alreddys there and big Ivor will pure look efter him, till ma Mum goes wan dae tae join them.

Ah loved ewe wee Zorro, love fae Big Presley. xxxxxx

Thiz iz mee at Zorros 21st birffdae partee, lazt August, ah said tae him.... 'happee birffdae, 'Weekest Link', an hee pure geed mee a tankin. But ah loved him so mutch. xxxx

008 iz workin neer Lan Ark

Hullo all ewes oot there. Ah have bin pracktissin ma Spaneesh fur tae help ma Mum and ah fink ah kens mare Spaneesh wurds than hur noo.
Noo, first fings first, wee Zorro wur auld cat isnae well and hee's haz tae go tae the Vet docktur this afternoons. Ma Mum finks wee Zorro iz rite seereeouslee ill thiz times and shee iz rite sad todaes. Wee Zorro iz 21.5 yeers old in hooman yeers, so that makes him aboot 240 in cat yeers.
Ah will let ewe kens wits will happin tae him, but its no lookin very good, so cood ewes pleese have a wurd wiff ewer angels and ask thems tae look efter him. Fanks.
Noo, the udder fing ah wiz goin tae tell ewes aboot iz ma walk tae the park. Noo, see sumtimes, wees go fur a walk round the Lock. No a lock ewe pit ewer key in, but a lock wiff watur in it and fiss. Well ah want tae tell ewes a troo storee, coz ah kens there is sumfin reel fisshee goin on at the Lock an ah will tell ewes why ah finks thiz. See when az wiz walkin roond the lock wiff mollee the udder dae, wee seen mens wiff tents. Okay so there is nuffin rang wiff that, rite, but wate wan minit, the mens wiff the tents wur preetendin tae bee fissin. They pure had there rod fings danglin in the watur. Fissin must bee rite tyrin, and thats why they had tents wiff beds in it.
But the reel scaree fing iz, that these mens wur wearin camoflage geer. Eye, ah swears tae masell they wur. Noo, ma questions is thiz, why wid they wear camoflage geer if they wur jist fissin? Ah have a feeree. Ah fink they wur up tae no good. Coz the fiss cannee see wit they are wearin, and ah fink the fiss have more tae worree aboot than wit somewun iz wearin. Ah fink the mens wur probablee spies or sumfin, like 008 Mr Basildon Bond. Ah fink they wur on the look oot fur Oh Salmon bin Laid. Noo dont tell anyones that ah have worked thiz oot, but if ewes dont beeleeve mee, ewes can go and look at the mens at the lock in the camoflage geer, well that is if ewe can see them, coz its reel difficult to see them if theys are standing neer trees and fings coz of the clothes they wears.
Love big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxx

Spaneesh Lessuns

Hullo all ewes oot there its mee again, big Presley.
Ah have bin reelee bizzee fur the past foo daes. Ah fot ah shood lern sum Spaneesh tae help ma Mum fur when shee goes tae Spane on Fridaes. Noo am no going wiff hur, but ah fot ah cood help wiff hur purrnouseeashon wiff Spaneesh wurds.
Fanks is Grass Sea R's
Yess is Sea
Skoose Mee? is Perrdun?
Toylet is Banjo
Pleese is Porr Fah Vorr
Noo these are rite important wurds, coz noo ma if ma Mum needs the loo, witch iz very importants. Shee haz tae sae iz thiz: Perrdun, Porr Fah Vorr, Can ah huv a shot of ewer Banjo! The Spaneesh wull replies: Sea
Then ma Mum will sae: Grass Sea R's.
How cool iz that, see, ah fink of everyfin, in fact az am goin tae rite sum noo books an they will bee called 'King Presleys Ruff Guide Goin On Holeedaes'. Noo, ah could have a hole seerees of theese 'Ruff Guides'. Ah normallee rites all ma ane books, but ma Mum wiz a Guide aboot 80 yeers ago, so shee haz sum eggspeereeance of them, and lets face it, they diz not come mutch ruffer than hur, so ah may ask hur fur sum help wiff ma noo seerees of books.
Shee haz bin pure bizzee at work, so it mae take mee a while tae rite them. Only last nite shee wiz in Dunndee and shee iz goin back there tonites again. Thats a rite far place, thats where the Krokodiles and Bannanas comes from. Krokodile Dunndee iz ma heerow, and everytimes ah sees a Bannanas it haz Fyfe on it and Dunndee iz neer Fyfe. The udder fing that comes frum up there is seep sh....ers. Diz ewe ken wit ah meens!! All the men up there sheers the seeps.
Take care, love fae big Presley the Spaneesh Speekur. xxxxxxxx

Gettin two ken mee.

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah wiz sent wan of they eemales frum a nosey parkur, wantin tae ken all aboot mee, so ah fot it wid bee a good idear if ah telt ewes wit a likes.
1. Wit time did ah get up this mornin?. First time wiz at 1am, and secund time wiz at 5am.
2.Wit wiz the last film ah seen? Ah seen Beethoven Free
3.Wit iz ma favorite TV programme? The Dog Wissperur
4.Wit diz ah usuallee have fur breakfast? Half a wizzee poo.
5. Wit iz ma middull name? 'the' frum Presley the King
6. Wit food do ah dislike? Anyfin made fae deed fiss.
7.Wit car diz a drive? What kind of stoopid question is that.... ah cannee drive - yet.
8. What characteristics diz ah despise? Wit diz despise meen?
9. If ah could go on holeedae where wid it bee? Norff Berick tae see ma babe Rag
10. Wot did ah want tae bee when ah wiz little? A Greyhound
11.Wot iz ewer fav biscut? Ah pure loves Gingur Snapps.
12. Wot iz ma hare collur? Az iz pure black, wiff wite paws. PAWS ah said!!!
13. Wot iz ma fav game? Leep Frog wiff ma beetches
14. When wiz the last time ah cried? Aboot 10 mins ago tae go oot fur a pee pee.
15. Who iz ma fav cheff? Gordun Ramsee
16. Who iz ewer best pal? Mollee Wallee
17. How many peepells will respond tae this? Nun, coz am no askin them two.
Noo ewes kens all aboot mee and wot ah reelee likes.
Love fae big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Eggsitetin suff

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah have bin pure misserabell since ah seen ma Feeonsee Rag an shee went hame efter visitin hoor wiz up. So ah says tae ma Mum and Dad that ah wood stay misserabell furever if ah didnae have anyfin tae look forwards two. They says they wood have a fink aboot ways tae cheer mee up. Ah herd them talkin aboot mee in the nexx room, so ah pit a glass against the wall tae hear better. Ah have seen that dun in the moovees and ah fink it works, but ah dropped the glass and it pure smashed all over the floor, but ah herds thems reel good. Ewes will no beeleeve what theys have got mee. Noo sum of ewes ken ah am pal of Sir Les Patterson. Hee is the only Les that hasnae bean on channel 4. Well ah herd ma Mum sayin that ma pal Les iz coming all the wae frum Oztraylia tae Glesga in Septemburs and theys are goin tae see him. So ah fink theys will definatelee bee takin mee along tae cheer mees up. Unfortoonatelee, ah will have tae go and see that wumin Dame Eddna, coz she kens ma pal Les and iz aye hangin aroond. Shee geed ma Mum Gladeeohlies last time shee met ma Mum, an ma Mum says oh Eddna theys are bootifool, so ah finks Dame Eddna will bring sum fur mee if shee kens ah will be there. Ah cannee wate tae see ma old pal Sir Les and ah will need tae tell him a foo of ma jokes. He sumtimes tells peepells ma jokes, but ah telt him no tae say that ah geed him ma jokes, coz sumtimes theys are very nottee. See, fing iz ah dont want ma Mollee tae ken ah kens nottee jokes or shee will bee pure angree.
So am away tae rite doon sum of ma jokes fur ma pal Sir Les. Maybees ah could tell him the wan aboot the Ramm wearin the bandage geer in the feeld. That wiz a rite good wan.
Oh bye the ways, the udder noos iz that ma Mum telt mee shee seen reel Lamms todaes, in a feeld in Engerland. How cool is that?
Rite am away, see ewes later, love fae big Presley the Happee King xxxxxxxx

Introdoocin Kone Heed!

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee hear big Presley.

Fank ewe all fur sendin Wizzee Wonga good wisses, but hee iz noo called Kone Heed. Noo ewes is wunderin why az haz reenamed him Kone Heed. Well see fing iz, ewe ken hee haz hunners of stitches on his nose, but theys must bee boverin him, coz hee is pure tryin tae take them oot himsell. Hee iz no aloud tae dae that, coz udderwise ma Mum and Dad widnae get there Nextur points fur takin him back tae the Vet.

Ma Mum and Dad haz bin rite bizzee wiff work, so mee and Mollee have bin good doggees and bean well behaved, so theys diznae need to worree aboot uz and wees haz bin lookin efter Kone Heed fur them. Anyways, ah fot Wizzee Wonga needin cheerin up coz hee hates wearin a Kone on his Heed. So ah fot if ah called him Kone Heed hee wid like that. Noo auld Kone Heed batters aboot the place and pure knocks everyfin doon in hiz paff, including the udder dogs.

Anyways hear iz a picktoor of auld Kone Heed fur ewes tae see how sore hiz nose looks.

KONE HEED - SIDE VOO

KONE HEED - FRONT VOO

Noo ah should pointe oot that, it wiz the Vet Docktur who pure cut so far doon Kone Heeds Nose fur tae stitch his Vane.

Am away noo tae help Kone Heed, coz am hiz guide dog. Love fae big Presley xxxx

Happee Vallentines Daes

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah hopes ewe had a reelee nice Vallentines Daes, coz ah had the happeeest wan in the hole of ma life. Noo see fing iz, ah am no aloud tae go tae the sopps tae bye a Vallentines kards, so ah asked ma Mum if shee could bye mee ma Vallentines kards fur mee tae send tae ma No. 1 babes. Ah had saved up ma pocket monees esspechally fur tae bye them. Shee said shee wood, then coz of everyfin that wiz happenin wiff Wizzee and wiff hur bean so bizzee at work, shee pure forgot. So wit happined wiz thiz, ma Mollee wiz pure greetin when shee seen ah hadnae got hur a Vallentines Kard. Ah telt hur shee wiz ma No.1 babe beetch and ah only ever had eyes fur hur.
Well ewes will no beeleeve wit happined nexx and ah swears tae masell this is the troof. Mee and Mollees wiz wanderin aroond the exercise yard hear at the Open Prizon, wees wur dae dreemin aboot wur Vallentines and nexx fing a seen a car arrive, wiff no wan, but free of ma udder No. 1 babes in it. Ah wiz pure dreemin that ma Feeonsee babe Rag, an hur bootifool sisturs, Sasha and Cas got oot thiz car. Ah shouts to ma Feeonsee, ma babe Rag, ewe has finally come tae see mee in ma Prizon coz ewe diz love mee. Ah dremt Rag came runnin up tae me and geed mee a big kiss frew the gate.
Ma Mollee wiz rite angree, coz not only had shee not got a Vallentines Kard, but then all ma No.1 babes came tae see mee tae wiss mee a happee Vallentines Dae in the flessh.
Ah wiz so pure excited that an ah wiz jumpin fur joy, ah has niver bean so excited in the hole of ma life, and ah niver wanted thiz feelin tae end. But then ah wee while laters a heers a noise and mee and Mollee looked frew the prizon fense and ah seen ma babes bean poot intae a car and driven away. Ah wiz pure rite sad, but ah didnae want ma Mollee tae see mee cry, so ah went intae ma prizon cell an ah fell asleeps finkin aboot ma babes. When ah woke up ma Mollee telt mee ah wiz dreemin and theys hadnae come tae visit me. So now am no soor if theys wur hear or if ah wiz dreemin.
Ah will have tae rite tae ma Anteee Noras and Unkill Dereck and ask them if ah wiz dreemin or no. But wan fing iz fur soor, ah had the bestest Vallentines Daes ah has ever had in the hole of ma life. Ah hope ewes all haz az happee a dae a mee. Love fae big Presley the King xxxxx

9999 Call fur Wizzee!

Hullo all ewes oot there, ewes will no beeleeve wit happin tae auld Wizzee, but thiz iz a troo storee.
See wit happined wiz thiz. Sum of ewes will ken that ma brover big Ivy Pvy went tae Rainbow Bridge on the 30th of January and ever since then, ma udder brover Wizzee haz bin a lot mare relaxxed around the hoose, coz sumtimes Ivy used tae growl at him.
Noo fing iz big Ivy wiz the boss of all the udder inmates, and noo Ivy isnae hear anymores, Wizzee fot hee wid bee the boss, but fing iz so diz Mac and Bazil and Roobee and Mollee, but theys iz all forgettin ah am the boss. Anyways, last nite jist as me and Mollee wur goin tae wur bed, ma Mum hears someone bark and says tae ma Dad, can ewe pleese check on the big dogs. Next fing all hell wiz let looose.
Auld Wizzee had pure pushed hiz way passed Mac and Ivor and Roobee and wan of them pure pit him in hiz place by biting him on the nose. But fing iz, the wiz blood everywhere and ah meens everywhere! Ma Mum says tae ma Dad quick fone the Vet and tell him wees are on wur wae wiff Wizzeee. Noo am no wan tae laff at udder peepells missfortoons, but fing iz ma Mum wiz in hur Jim Jams and Slip Slips reddy fur bed. Ma Dad says go and get dressed, but shee says ah havenae got times, so she jist pit hur jacket on and off theys ran. Ah fot wit the ......., wit if theys get stopped by the Polliss and ma Mum is in hur Jim Jams and pure covered in blood.
Ma Mum didnae need tae pit on the bloo lite on in the car, coz the air wiz bloo wiff what theys wur sayin about the amount of blood Wizzee wiz loosin, and shee took aff oot of hear at 800mph.
But when theys get to the Vet, there wiz a Seep bean takin in two, the seep wiz aboot tae have a Lamm!! Then the Vet seen ma Mum an Dad the Vet said "Oh ........", well ah best no repeet wit the Vet said but he wiz pure shocked and the air in there wiz Bloo two!!. Ah fot it wiz the site of seein ma Mum in hur Jim Jams and Slip Slips! The Vet said "quick, frew hear and get on the table"!! Ma Mum says, ah fink under the circumsizes ah fink ewe should see tae Wizzee first!!
Anyways, it turns oot that Wizzee had severed hiz Vane in hiz gum and the Vet pure had tae stitch the Vane first befour hee could stitch up Wizzee's nose. The Vet says that Wizzee wid have been deed had they even bean an udder 5 minits gettin tae him. Wizzee lost a rite lot of blood, so ma Mum drove at 800 mph back hame tae get Mac in case Wizzee needed a blood transfooshon. Wizzee got back hame last nite wiff his Vane stitched an aboot 80 stitches on his nose. Ah says, "am rite pleesed tae see ewe made it Wizzee, ewe have only pure survived by the skin of ewer nose"!! Then ah fot, probablee best no menshon hiz nose!
Todaes, Wizzee looks like hee has dun 80 rounds with Mike Dyson.
Ma Mum sat up all nite wiff him tae make soor that hiz Vane didnae burst open, so shee didnae get any sleeps, then shee had tae go tae work twodaes pure knackered.
Anyways, Wizzee is pure going tae bee okee, and hee now kens hee iz no aloud tae bee the boss.
But the good noos is that the little Lamm wiz born safely after the Vet did a Librarian Sexshon on the Sheep. Noo am no wan tae tell tails, but the Seep wiz white and the Lamm wiz Black, so ewe ken wits happined there!!!
Well am away tae look efter ma big brover Wizzee, coz hee is sittin in bed wiff a rite long face, so hee must be fed up.
Love fae big Presley the Docktur. Pee Ess, Mollee says hee isnae fed up, hee jizt haz a long face, but ah fink ah will go and cheer him up anyway. xxxxxxxx

Ma spellin!

Hullo all ewes oot there, its mee heer big Presley.
Az sum of ewes ken az am a fillosifer, coz az am a finker. Noo ah have had a complaint sayin that ah cannee spell very well an ah cannee pronounce an 'h', coz ah says fings like fiss, fur unedoocated peepells that is sumfin that swims in watur!. Wan persun says ah did no have a good commmando of the engerliss langwage. Thats coz az am Scotteesh an am no fae Engerland, but ah dae rite ma blog in the engerland langwage. Anyways ma Mum says shee wid help mee wiff ma spellin and shee fot it wid bee a good ideer if ah red the noospaper tae help wiff thiz.
Ah didnae like the storees in the papers coz they wurnae aboot dogs and beetches, so ma Mum says why dae ewe no reed the sexshon wiff the dog furs sail in it. Noo that wiz cool, ah didnae ken ah could jizt bye ma ane beetch frum the noospaper. Ah seen hunners of dugs fur sail all lookin fur a nice home tae live in. Noo sum of ewes will have kent that a rite stoopid persun invented a dug called a Labra Dooodell. Ah have pure seen wan of them. It wiz too yeers ago and ma Mum entured mee in a dog show called Scruffts or sumfin. Noo ah should have won paws down, nae bover tae the King, but the stoopid wumin who fot shee wiz a judge didnt ken hur Pedigree Lurchers frum hur Greyhounds and shee said ah wiz a Greyhound. Ewe kens ah diz like tae dane impershonashons, but why wid ah preetend tae bee a Greyhound, when ah could have entured ma Mollee in the show and shee iz a pure pintsized Greyhound. Anyways, efter that wumin says that, ah says ewe iz a plonker, az am a Pedigree Lurcher but shee widnae heer tell of it, and nexx fing a flamin Labra Doodell stood next tae mee and shee picked it tae win.
Noo ah kens that stoopid peepells pays hunners of pounds fur wan of these Mongrells, coz they fink they are a rtie speshall breed or sumfin. But ewes will no beeleeve wit ah seen fur sail last nite in the noospaper. Ah seen ah Cock A Poo! Az says wit the .........., iz a Cock A Poo?. So ah got tae finkin wit wiz that mongrell made up of?? Well ah cannee reepeet on heer wit that mongrell iz made of, coz thiz iz a familee blog. Then ah fot tae masell, no wate wan minit, maybees theys have jizt run oot of names fur dug breeds and theys have gone doon the sames road as the Amereecan Injins, who pure named fings efter the first fing they saw, like...'runnin watur', 'little dove' and 'shittin Bull'. So ah finks that iz why they have called a dug Cock a Poo!!. Am no so sure ah reelee wants tae even see wan of these dugs, and az will no bee byein wan coz they cost £750 and az only haz £7.50 and free Euros in pockit monee.
Well thats all fur noo, az am away tae improov ma spellin and ah fink ah will campane fur less Cock a Poo's and mare dugs like mee. Ah wid bee a Greyollie, coz az am a kross between a greyhound and a collie. Love tae ewes all fae King Presley the Greyollie. xxxxxx

Poor Auld Wizzee the Wonga

Hullo all ewes oot there, ah doo hope ewes are enjoyin the sssnow, coz am no. Ah am fed up wiff it noo, but ma Molleee pure loves it. Ah fink shee neerlee loves the sssnow az mutch az shee loves mee, but no quite fankfoolee, udder wize ah will be dumped again.
Anyways, ah have an udder troo storee tae tell ewes and ewes will no beeleeve wit az am aboot tae tell ewes. Diz ewe rememburs that ah said ma big brover Wizzy Wonga, wiznae feelin himsell, well if ewes didnae rememburs ah telt ewes yisterday or the udder dae.
Ma Mum wiz rite worried about Wiz, cos hee wiz shakin his heed and ma Mum wiz shakin hur heed, coz shee didnae ken wit wiz rang with Wiz. So ma Mum pure foned the Vet Docktur and made an appointments wiff them. Auld wizzy wiz a bit worreed when he seen ma Mum takin him oot tae the Pet Herse, so ah shouted frew the fence wurds of encouragements, ah says..."gone yersell auld Wiz, have a rite nice times, ewe is only goin tae the Vet Docktur, ewe will no feeel a fing". Ah fink Wiz wiz pure greetin by wit ah says, but az wiz only tryin tae help.
Ma Mollee said that wiznae nice fur mee tae tell Wiz where hee wiz going, but ah fot hee should ken, so hee widnae worree, coz he fot hee wiz going fur a walk roond the Lock.
Well, when they gets tae the Vet Docktur, all 4 of the Dockturs and the Dockturs assistant wur all on standin waitin, like Wiz wiz royaltee of sumfin. Theys said wees will jizt eggasmine him oot hear so he diznae get upsets. They had like muzzells and harrnesses and sedashons all at the reddy fur auld Wiz, who wiz pure wettin himsell when hee seen all thiz.
The Vet Dockturs said "Wits rang wiff him thiz time?" Ma Mum says hee wiz shakin hiz heed all the times. The Dockturs said ah pure hope he iz better behaved thiz time. Ma Mum wiz neerlee greetin noo, coz auld Wiz iz a furrelee nice chap, and ma Mum wiz upset theys said fings aboot Wiz. Then the Vet Docktur leened doon tae auld Wiz and said........noo thiz iz the funnee fing....he said "Ok, Presley lets have a look"!!!!!! Ah swears tae masell that iz the troof. The Vet Dockturs fot auld Wiz wiz mee. Noo that explains why all fore of the Dockturs wur there, theys fot it wiz mee and thats why theys wur treetin Wiz like Royaltee.
Ma Mum pure burst oot laffin and said thats no Presley, thats Wizzeeeee. The Docktur pulled wan of they funnee faces and says "Wit on erff wur ewe finkin, callin a boy dug Lizzee". Well by thiz point ma Mum wiz neerlee wettin hursell laffin, but Wiz wiznae, coz hee wiznae impressed wiff the Docktur. Poor auld Wiz, wiz taken in a herse tae the vet, and then he wiz pure made oot tae bee wan of they transeggsual dugs!! That wiz enuff tae make anybuddee ill.
Ewes will bee rite pleesed tae ken that Wiz iz all rite noo, hee had pure scratched the inside of hiz eer and made it bleed neer the Kanal. But wee diznae live neer a Kanal, we lives neer the watur, so ah finks they got that bit rang.
If ewes have any auld pink collurs that ewes dont need anymore, pleese send them tae mee and ah will give them tae Lizzeee, ma transeggsual bruver.
Love fae big Presley the King xxxxxxxxxxxxx