Hugmanees is here at last

Hullo awe ewes oot there. Az kens ewes huz missed me a right lot, but az haz been right buzy since Santa Coz wiz here. Me and ma Molls hud a pure dead brilliant Kissma ass Day and wees did get a right load of toys tae play wiff. Wees also hud a pure dead brilliant kissma ass Day dinner. Wees sterted wae choo's, then wees hud Prawns, but no jist any Prawns, wees hud 'King' Prawns, coz that iz the only Prawns me Presley the King will eat. Efter wur K.Prawns wees hud a couple of Wizzys poos, then wee hud chokolat, the type fur dugs, and then wees hud turkee and mare biscuits, then wees hud Smoked Salmon fae Royal Deeside fur wur poodin. Ewes always need somfin like Smoked Salmon tae help with ewer poos thats why theys call it poodin, coz ewes always need tae poo'd in the gerden efter ewes huv eatin it.
Noo me and ma Molls decided tae gee big Mac the black bouncer sum time aff, coz it wiz Kissmass, but that meant that wees couldnae go oot in publik. So wees haz jist been dane wit awe right true Royals dae when theys are at hame and az haz been dane a bit of shootin in ma Eestate. Az haz done right well wae ma shootin, and az can noo hit a tree wae ma pee fae a distance of aboot 4 inches away. Cool, eh man? While az wiz practisin ma shootin, ma Molls did a bit of huntin. She wiznae az lucky az mees though, coz she didnae manage tae hunt anyfin. So wees haz still no got oor ane Mr Jingles, maybees wees will be lucky next year. Az did hear a right sad story aboot wit happened tae ma pal Murphy O'Brien and hiz missus Maisie. See their prison guard who is called Mrs Murphy & Maisie O'Brien, she did gets them their ane Mr Jingles, but then ewes will no believe wit she went and done. Az swears tae masell this is true. Shees only went and pit Mr Jingles in the gerden and Murphy and Maisie O'Brien hud tae go and play hide and seek tae get him. That wiz a right bad fing fur her tae dae tae ma pals. Coz az disnae ken if theys ever foond him.
Az finks az should take thiz chance tae wish awe ma pals a right good time tae night and az hopes that ewes huv a right good new year.
Az haz made some pre-dick-shons fur 2008 and az will tell ewes aboot them tomorrow, coz az the only pre-dick-shon az haz hud fur tomorrow is that oor prison guards will no be up oot of their beds before 9am. That means that ma Molls will probably use oor En Suite, which is right next tae the kitchen. Az finks fur a laff that ma Molls should move the en Suite tae oor prison cell door, so that oor Mum & Dad will step in it when theys walk intae oor cell. Az wid right laff at that.
Noo az hopes ewes all huv a right pure dead brilliant night and az will speak tae awe ewes next year and tell ewes ma pre-dick-shons fur 2080. Az iz never wrang way ma pre-dick-shons.

Big Presley haz left the study for the last time this year, az iz takin care of ma business. xx May yur god go wae ewes. xx

Kiss.ma.ass Day

Merry Kissmass everywan, az hopes ewes hud a right nice time tooday. Me and ma Mollees have hud the best Kissmass ever, well that iz, since the wan wees hud last year.
Ewes will no believe wit happen tae mee. When az gets up thiz mornin az wiz speakin tae the Queen, noo az swears tae masell that is right true. Shee wiz wantin tae ken wit it wiz az wiz going tae write in ma Kissmass Day blog. Noo az diznae likes tae tell anybuddy wit it iz az iz writin tae ewes aboot, that iz jist beecoz az diznae kens until az starts tae write. Az wiz finking that az could tell ewes wit the Queen fot aboot Tony Blare becomin a Kafolic, but sees he waited til the udder Queen had writ hur speech, before he went intae the confessional thing wae the Priest. Az finks that wiz in case she said in hur speech that shees haz hud had an udder horrible anus, like the wan she hud 10 years ago.

Anyways az fot az wid jist tell ewes aboot ma ane Kiss.ma.ass Day. See az lets ma Mollee be Queen fur the day, coz shee right likes that. Noo az didnae ken wit happened here at the prison, but az finks that the udder prisoners fot theys had missed Kiss.ma.Ass Day and theys fot it wiz Boxing Day. Noo let mee tells ewes wit happened. See, Me and ma Molls were like allowed tae get wur presents fae Santa Coz first and az wiz prayin tae masell that hee hudnae got me an udder joby green coat. Well, az gets a right cool diamond tae wears aroond ma neck, so noo az looks like ma hero the medallion man Ali Gee. Az also gets some right nice toys tae play wiff. Az gets wan that looks like a bugger, jist like the wans az sees in Mcdonalds. Az also gets a jar fingy fur keepin ma pocket money in, and it says on the front of it 'Big Boy's Toy Money', that iz so that naebuddy will pinch ma pocket money. The only wan problem way it is that its joby green. Az swears tae masell, but thats Santa Coz fur ewes, he canny get nofin right.

Anyways, az wiz going tae tell ewes wit ma Mollees got, but az canny be bovered, coz wees kept fightin over wur new toys and az got pure dead hurted when ma leg got right trapped on the sofa. So it wiznae So.Fa so good fur me! Then ma Mum & Dad lets the lifers oot fur their Kiss.ma.ass presents and all hell broke loose! This wiz pure dead funny. Coz big Ivy didnae want his medallion, he fought it looked right stoopid, so when ma Dad wents tae pit it on him, he right went fur him. Ma Dad wiznae hurted, coz Ivy wiz wearin his Hannibal Lectar mask. Ivy went in a pure dead huff fur the rest of the day, all coz he didnae want tae be a medillion man. Then Bizzy Wizzy jumped back and stood right on tap of Bazil the Brush, and Bazil fot hee wiz gettin pure dead attacked, so he went fur Bizzy Wizzy. Noo by this point it wiznae only Mollee that wiz wettin hersell laffin, but ah wiz tae. Me and Molls right laffed. So the lifers were right marched back tae the cooler, but coz it wiz Kiss.ma.ass Day, mee and Molls got tae watch the movie Findin Nemo. Noo az wiznae bovered where Nemo wiz, so az jist fell asleep.

Wees are all waitin fur wur Turnkey noo. Ha ha ewes fought az says Turkey, but wees haz Turnkeys coz wees are in prison. Az fot az should explain that tae awe the fick wans oot there, that a Turnkey and a Turkee are no the same fing.
Ma Dad haz taken sum picktoors of me and ma Molls, so when hees gets his Kiss.ma.ass dinner, hee will gee them tae mee and az will let ewes sees them. Az hope ewes awe hud a better Kiss.ma.ass Day than mee.
Big Presley haz left the study, take check on the Turkee. xx

Dear Santa

Dear Santa Coz

Az iz told az hud tae rite tae ewe coz az haz been a right good boy and az wants ewe to kens what az wid like fur ma kissmass.

Az wid like awe the fings on this list, but if ewes canny manage awe of them, jist the first 19 will do.

Number Wan. Az wid like tae be able tae go oot fur a pee (that is a number wan), any times az wants, wiffoot havin tae wait fur ma Mum tae open the prison cell door.
Number Too. Az wid like Wizzy tae stop dane hiz number two's on the patio, coz az chooed frew the patio hoze cleaner and it diznae look good if az iz playin leap frog way a number two stuck tae ma shoo.
Free. Az wid like tae keep awe ma pocket money tae ma sell, but az canny, coz fings in the Anne Summers shop is right deer, can ewe fix it fur me tae get ma fings free in there?
Fore. Az huznae got a fore, so az will move ontae number five.
Five. Az iz alive. (see that rimes), Az wants tae ban Greyhound Racing and breedin, coz then there wid be mare beetches living in homes and az could play leap frog wae them.
Six. Az iz wunderin if ewe could gee Six a personality. She is wan of oor cats and she is right miserable. She wiz ma Dads cat fur 250yrs, so thats is why shees is miserable.
Seeven. Can ewes please arrange fur me tae get ma Crown Jewells return tae mee. Thats a big order az kens, but theys wur big Crown Jewells. Theys will end up in a mooseeum like the Elgin marballs.
Ate. Can wees pleese no have yon food that tastes like deed fish. its called Salmon and rice.
Nine. Az huznae got a nine, so can ewe move on tae number 10
Ten. Talkin of Number 10, wit haz Tony frigin Blare done noo? Az haz read hee haz become a Roamin Kaflic. Next fing ewes will see, iz that he is a Jeehovahs Witness, thats jist no right.
Eleven. Az wiz wantin tae gee awe ma beetches a kissmass present, straight fae God. They will kens it is fae God, coz theys will cry oot.. "Oh God, Oh god..." az heard that wance in a movie az wiz watchin.
12. Az canny spell, so can ewe gee me a dicktionary fur ma kissmass tae.
Ferteen. Can ewe pit Derek Acorah ma pal back on Maste Haunted, coz hees haz the kissmass spirit, and ma Molls wets hersell.
14. Can ewe arrange fur awe the dugs in the world tae be saved and sent tae Port Ugal, coz az disnae need any competishon.
15. Can ewe arrange fur ma pal Basil the Brush tae have singing lessons.
16. Can ewe arrange fur ma Mum tae get a face lift.
17. Can ewe arrange fur ma Dad tae wash his socks.
18. Can ewe arrange fur a spook tae come frew on ma Weegi board
19. Can ewe arrange fur me have a few mare brains. BRAINS az said no BAIRNS.
20. Can ewe arrange tae sent ma love tae awe ma beetches fur kissmass.

Love fae Big Presley the Maste handsome Pedigree Lurcher in the Hole World xxx
PS If ewe didnae dae everyfin on ma list, az iz no bothered coz az diznae believe in ewe anyways.

Az haz a Date wae a beetch

Ewes will no believe wits happened tae me! Az haz got masell a date wae a right cool beetch. Noo az will refer to her as 'Mollee', that is because that iz hur name, but ewes iz no tae confuse hur way ma Mollee, coz she iz no ma Mollee yet. Az hopes awe ewes uneducated people can follow that. See az haz been contacted frew ma website askin fur mee tae go on a date wae hur. Then she tells me hur name is Mollee. Maybee she finks az only loves beetches called Mollee, but az iz no bothered wit theys are called, but az finks that is hur real name. Noo she did send me a picktoor and she is like, a right cool beetch. Az iz no sure if az can pit her picktoor on here, coz she is like married tae an udder dug, but she loves tae play games, and az iz happy tae teech hur how tae play Leap Frog. Az iz going tae keep ewes posted az tae how az gets on way ma blind date. Well az didnae ken if shes iz blind, but shes iz a bit older than me, maybees shes iz az old az ma cell mate Wizzy and he iz nearly blind tae. Noo before ewes awe laff that az haz got masell an older beetch, jist ewes remember, that there wiz many a good toon played on an old fiddle. Do ewe kens wit az iz meanin?

Noo az haz hud a argooment wae ma ane Mollee. No because az haz found masell an udder beetch, but coz ma Mollee jist wanted tae arrgoo wiff me. Anyways, az says to hur that wees maybee had wur chance tae eescape this prizon, coz our Mum and Dad were going tae the Panto. Noo az kens fine well that az heard right. But ma Molly says Oh no there no!! Az says tae hur, Oh yes they ur. And ewes will no believe it but she said again that they wurnae. Az says tae hur dont bee stoopid Mollee theys ur going tae the Panto, coz az heard them sayin that. Next fing iz Mollee wiz cryin, coz az like got right mad wae her coz shees kept sayin they wurnae going tae the Panto. Next fing ma Mum came intae wur prizon cell and says tae me that az wiz a bad boy coz az made Mollee cry. Az couldnae tell ma Mum wit wees hud been arrgooing aboot, coz shees wid ken that wees were going tae try and eescape. So, like a right plonker, az gets intae trouble fur noffin. And dae ewes ken wit Mollee dane then? She has got that PMS thing. Which fur awe ewes uneducated people iz Peein Ma Sell. Molllee peed hersell laffin coz az had got intae trouble. That wiznae fare, noo az says tae Mollee that she wiz a beetch fur dane that tae me, coz ah wiz put in the cooler and az didnae ken if Santa will bring mees a present noo fur ma xmas.
If anywan oot there wants tae gee me wan fur ma xmas, let mees ken. Hey, jist wait a minute, when az says gee me wan fur xmas, az wiz no talkin aboot ewe kens wit, az wiz talkin aboot somfin right nice, like a choo or somfin.
Right az iz going away noo, coz az iz going tae see if az can make up wae ma Mollee, coz if az dont, az will ruin ma chances of playin leap frog wae hur later.
Big Presley the Lurcher haz left the study, takin care of business wae ma Mollee. xx

Page Free!!

Az haz 2 fings az iz wantin tae tell ewes aboot tooday. Wan iz pure dead exciting, az haz becomes so famous noo, frew ma blog, that haz ma ane Website. Sure that is pure dead cool? Ma Molls haz been laffin so much since ma website was launched in cyber space, but she wiznae laffin when she hears that az haz millions of hits on it already. She is jealous coz she disnae want any beetches movin in on mee, or better still movin in WAE mee!
Az haznae had any offers fae bootifool beetches yet, but az did have wan weerdo pal, wantin tae get in touch. Its a male dug and thats no right.
Noo the 2nd fing az wiz wantin tae tells ewes aboot is a bit of a problem. Sees az haz ended up on Page Free. Noo what is that awe aboot. Az iz no page 3 material. Wit happened wiz thiz. The prison guard of ma good pal Toby McKay, telt ma Mum & Dad that there wiz a competition on an udder website and she wiz going tae enter ma pal Toby McKay in it. Az didnae ken there wiz dug competitions fur the maste miserable looking dug ever tae walk the face of the earth. But if there wiz, ma best pal Toby McKay wood win it. Anyways, ma Mum fot it wood be a right good ideer tae pit mine and Mollees picture on this website, and az discovered that az wiz picked fur Page 3!! Az hopes theys dont finks az looks like a beetch, coz if theys do, az will have tae send ma Minder Big Black Mac, tae sort thems oot.

Ma Mum telt me that it wiz jist because there wiz so many dugs that had their pictures on it, that theys needed tae spread them over freee pages. Aye oh right az says tae masell, but az swear tae masell that az will bite hur right hard if az finds oot that ma picture is bang slap in the middle of a page fooey awe naked beetches on page 3, coz that wid ruin ma reputashon.
Az fots ewes wid like tae vote fur me. Az dont ken how much pocket money az will gets fur winning this competition, but az finks it could be like £1.00 or sumfin. Az it iz nearly xmas az wiz going tae donate some of ma winnins tae charity, maybees about 1p or somfin, coz az has the rest of the money already spent on buyin choo's, so that ma Molls will get a xmas present. Aye awe right, so az wiz only going tae gee hur the wrappers, but thats so that she can make her ane see frew night gown fur xmas, tae go way her new pawcuffs.

http://www.freewebs.com/jerseygreyhounds/
Tae see ma pictures ewes have tae click on the link at the bottom of the collum on the left hand side, right down at the bottom. Its says Greyhound page 3
Az iz Number 205 and 215. Ma Molls is the wee beauty number 202.
But ewes can only pick a first and 2nd choice. So as finks 205 should bee ewer first choice and 215 should be ewer second choice. Az will let ewes ken if az wins.

Dead Hot!

Az wiz lookin at the compootar to see's if az could find anyfin fur ma Mollee fur her xmas, with the extra pocket money az wiz going tae send tae ma babe Lisa Maree, that turns oot isnae ma babe at all. Noo az ewes ken, az haz already bought her a pair of pawcuffs from ma pal Anne Summers shop, theys are dead cool, so az fot that az could buy her sumfin dead hot. Ewes will no believe wit az found. Noo, az iz no wan tae laff at right bad fings that happens tae people, but az couldnae believe wit az wiz reading and az wiz pure dead laffin.

See az does that goooooling thing tae find Mollee a present and az pits in 'Dead Hot', next fing iz, up came this webshite aboot SHC, noo fur aw ewes that are no educated like mees, that stands fur Spontaneous Human Combustion. They calls it that coz people just cremate themselves. Theys say that SHC is an unexplained mystery. Noo az far az am is concerned that is no rite, coz there must be a reason why ewes humans want dae that self cremation fing, probably tae save money and no tae pay fur a hooman undertaker.
Noo az ken that SHC is right popular in yon far East place, like Pakistan and the udder place that is named efter a dug, Afghan-a-Stan. Coz az wiz right laffin when az read that some man oot there wiz riding his bike way a bomb attached tae himsell and he blew himsell up. Az finks his name wiz John. Ewes are all wonderin how az kens that. Well az kens that coz az kens the story, coz theys pit it on his heedstone.

Here lies the body of bicycle John,
His bicycle stopped, but he went on!!

Ma Mollee loves that story and she wets hersell when az tells her that story.
Noo az wiznae finking along the lines of gettin ma Molls a bomb just coz az is lookin for a dead hot present. Az wiz finkin of getting her wan of they seefrew night gowns fings, coz az finks she wid look dead hot in wan of them. But see, az haz a problem, az only haz 23 and a half pence tae spend and theys seefrew night gowns are right expensive. But az finks az haz found the answer tae ma problem. See ma dog choo's come in a clear bag, so az finks az should spend ma money on a choo, and gee Mollee the wrapper. Az will tell her that it iz the latest fashion in seefrew night gowns. Noo az wid be interested tae hear wit ewes finks aboot that?
Az canny wait fur xmas, coz az dont finks ma Molly haz remember tae get me a present, but az iz no bovered aboot that, coz az will look dead sad, and she will say tae me, come on big Presley az will let ewe play leap frog way me. See az iz no az daft az ewes finks.
Big Presley haz left the study, az iz takin care of ma ane business in the gerden. xx

Tear tae a glass eye!!

OMG....az am right down tonight az canny believe wit haz happened. Noo az am no wantin ewes tae feel right sorry fur me or nofin, but az will tells ewes a story that wid bring tears tae a glass eye.
Ewes will no believe wits happened. Noo wit happened wiz thiz. Az wiz checking ma pocket money and az finks az could send aboot 23 and a half pence tae ma babe Lisa Marie, ma puppee and az wiz gettin a right nice wee xmas card fur her. Az iz no very good at writing so az asked ma Mum if she could write Lisa Marees address fur me. But then, az wiz taken aside by ma Mum and she says tae me that az wiznae Lisa Marees dad. Well, az swears tae masell that is just no right, coz az haz been checkin the internet tae find a right good school and everyfin fur her. Then ma Mum tells me, that az couldnae possibly bee her dad coz az hudnae played leap frog way her mum Carra. Az wiz even plannin a party so that me and ma cells mates could wet on the puppees head. But its no tae bee. Az dont ken wit az should dae noo, coz az wiz right lookin forward tae teachin ma babe how tae be a reel Pedigree Princess Lurcher. Well ewe kens wit they says, these fings happens, so az decided just tae play leap frog way may Mollee instead.
Tae get back tae ma story aboot bringing a tear tae a glass eye. Me and Molls were runnin aboot ootside. Molly was yelling catch me if ewe can Presley, so az wiz runnin real fast and az slipped on the ice. Noo az landed so hard on ma crown jewells and that right brought a tear tae my eye!! Noo before ewes all feel right sorry fur me, az jist want tae say, az haznae got a glass eye, and az jist want tae say, after fallin on the crown jewells az iz right glad az didnae have glass bits either, coz theys would have right smashed.
Well az must go and check on ma Molls, she will be right pleased az iz no a dad, coz she wants me awe tae hersell. Maybe az could just make her a wee bit jealous though, and tell her that az wiz in way a chance way Carra. Az finks ma Molls will be more than accommodating tonight. Right..big Presley haz left the study tae play leap frog...Mollee, oh Mollee where are ewe hiding??

OMG Az iz a DADDY!!

OMG.......that stands fur .... Oh My God!!
Az iz aboot too anounce that az iz a DAD.

Right az kens this will ruin ma chances way loads of beetches, but az kens this will increase ma chances way loads of beetches tae. Coz az iz the proud Daddy of ma new babe jist born yesterday. Nooo az dont ken how az haz done this, but az iz not going tae run away from ma responsibility, coz she is a beauty....az finks az can send her Maw 5p a week oot ma pocket money tae feed and buy deziner clothes fur ma girl. Az jist dont want anywan tae tell ma Mollee that az iz the Daddy, so az iz asking ewes no tae tell her either. Coz ma Mollee cant have ma puppies and wees dont want tae upset ma Mollees. Here is a picture of ma new wee girl...she is called Lisa Marie, but she doesnae ken that yet.









Can ewes please send me some money fur the upkeep of ma new wee babe, before the CSA...Carras Support Agency...chases me, and ma Molls finds oot. Please send all donations to: me Big Presley, Daddy tae Wan, who has left the building before ma Babe Molls finds oot. xxx
Ewes can jist see her wee face at the bottom of her Mummys leg....dont worry az dont remember finding her Mummys teets either!! xx PS Az iz definately No the father of the other 8 puppies, az kens theys are no mine, coz only wan looks like me. Ma Princess Lisa Marie.xx

Pie in the Sky.

Ewes widnae believe it, but az iz in the poo again, and az disnae ken wit it iz a haz done this time. See, this iz wit happened. Last night ma Mum says I wiz a right good dug, noo that diznae happen very often, so a wiz right chuffed. She telt me and ma Molls, that az wees had been good, that wees would get a piece of Steak and Kidney Pie. Noo how cool is that? Az wiz right lookin forward tae the steak bit of the pie, but az canny eat Kidney coz az is a vegetarian.

Anyways, ma Mum says that it wiz too hot fur us tae eat, so she pit it in wan of they fancy cupboards wees huz in oor kitchen way the glass door in it. That way me and Molls could guard wur pie until it wiz cool enough fur uz tae eat. Ma Mum even went and telt ma Dad that she had pit it in there and wees wur tae get it fur wur last supper. Noo wit a didnae ken at the time that theys wur jist tryin tae torture uz. Coz when it wiz time fur wur last supper, ma Dad didnae gee us the pie and he jist went off tae his bed. So me and Molls sat up all night lookin frew the glass door at wur pie. When ma Mum came doon in the mornin, me and ma Molls wur pure dead foamin at the mouth. Ma Mum fot wees had Rabies or somfin. She wiz screamin at ma Dad tae come doon, and theys wiz going tae rush us tae the Vets. Az finks they need mare Nectar points and thats why theys wanted tae take uz take the Vets.

Ah swear tae masell, a fot, Oh No, if wees go tae the Vets, he will pit yon soap doon wur froats and make us pure dead sick. Az had tae dae a right bit of quick finking. So az took aff at 100mph oot the back door, and ma Molly chased me. Wees jist kept runnin so that theys couldnae catch uz and take uz tae the vets. Theys finally kent there wiz nofin rang wiff us and thats when ma Dad sees the pie still sittin in the cupboard. He says tae ma Mum that he wiz feelin right guilty, but az kens that he wiz jist tryin tae torture uz. He says that me and ma Molls will get the pie the night fur wur last supper. Az iz no sure az likes this last supper idea! Az finks theys has maybe poisoned the pie, coz ma Dad looked like a pile of pants this mornin and he hud the pie last night. Az will let ewes ken if wees are made tae eet the pie.

And, this is an udder true story, that az will tell ewes aboot tomorrow. There is a wumin called Mrs Carras Grannie who is tryin tae say that az iz a father to 9 puppies. Noo az haz seen the picktoors and az finks that only wan or two of thems is ma boys, but az iz no taking responsibilty fur the udder 7. Az will let ewes decide when az gets a picktoor of them.
Big Presley haz left the building tae check on the pie. xx

The KINGS birffday!!

Hullo all ewes out their. I hate this xmas thing, coz ewes have all forgotten wit its awa aboot. Noo let me tells ewes awe somfin, and az swear tae ma sell this is true. Ewes are awe runnin aboot stoopid, like somfin demented, buyin presents fur folks ewes dont even ken. (Who is Ken???) Anyways, ewes have all forgotten wit xmas is all aboot. Get reel and get back tae the basic story of wit it iz ewes are meant tae be, celebate. Noo ewes is awe meant tae be celebateing the birth of the KING. Noo az dont ken how many times az have to tell ewes there iz only wan KING. So, if awe ewes beetches wid like tae send mees a present fur tae celebate my birffday, pleese send me cheques made payable tae Big Presley the Pedigree Lurcher, HMS Open PL Prison, Lan Ark, az iz sure the postie will find me, coz hees is the wan that delivers awe ma fan mail.

Az iz sorry this wiz short toonite, but az iz real tired, coz ma burd Mollee, tried tae get uz oor ane Parrott fur wur prison, well it wiznae like a real Parrot, it wiz like aw wan colour, and hee wiz Black, but by the time she carried him intae oor prison, he wiz deed. So, me and Molls iz going tae huff tae bury him alang way oor 84 deed Mr Jingles. Ma Mollee husnae mastered catchin us a Pet and bringing them tae oor prison cell as yet. But wan day she will.
Me and Molls are away tae wur beds, withoot oor ane PET again!! Diz anybuddy have a spare pet theys wid like uz tae look efter?? Coz wee wid love oor ane Pet.
Big Presley haz gone fur a sleep, night night, love tae awe ma beetches, dream aboot me!! xx

Free Blind Mice

Hullo, az iz no sure that az iz liking this whole xmas fing, coz az am no getting a wee shot on ma compootar, that iz coz, ma Mum & Dad haz right lots on and me and Molls are locked in wur prison cell. Az had a right load of fings tae be tellin ma beetches and theys will be missin me. Noo jist coz az iz no right here in the study writing tae ewes, disnae means az iz no finking aboot ewes, well az is certainly finking aboot playin leap frog way ewes. A swear tae masell that is true.

Az wiz wantin tae tells ewes about the choir that wees haz here at the prison. Noo az finks theys are practising fur dane xmas carol singing or somfin, coz theys sings everyday. Let me tells ewes wit it iz az is talkin aboot. In the next cell tae Mollee and mee, there is 5 prisoners, theys are awe ma pals, Ivor, Mac, Ruby, Wizzard and Basil Brush. Wit happened wiz this. Ma pal big Mac the Black wan, started aff by trying tae wooooo Ruby wae a song. Noo az dont no aboot wooing her, but he certainly scared her wit less, coz he sounded like somfin oot a horror movie and az finks she telt him tae get lost! Noo he wiznae fur been put off, and hees kept singing tae her, thats where that old sayin comes in aboot God lovin a trier. Coz at the rate ma pal Big Mac wiz going, hee wiz going tae meet God sooner than he fought, if hees didnae shut up. But ewes will no believe wit happened. Wan day he sounded like yon big singer, az finks iz called after a dug, Placido Dingo. Well ma pal Ruby went nuts, and she started singing back tae him, like she wiz Lesley Garnet. Az finks she sounded like her coz a Ruby iz a Garnet.

Theys wur singing tae each other everyday, and theys did start tae sound a bit better, in fact az fots theys wur going tae enter that singing competition the K(9) Factor. But see, there wiz a problem, coz ma old pal Basil Brush didnae realise that big Mac wiz tryin tae woo Ruby intae playin a game of leap frog, and he decides tae join in the singing. Me and Molls wiz laffin so much, it wiz so funnee, coz see, Basil Brush is like a Mongrel Lurcher and he canny sing, so he right ruined Big Macs chances wae Ruby. Basil Brush sounded like some old geezer, sittin in the corner in the pub on a Saterday, night singing 'ho-de-ho', ewes will awe ken that song. Ma pal Big Mac looked like he wiz gony kill Basil Brush. Noo wan day az iz hoping tae play ewes a tape of them singing, its pure dead funnee, but az haz tae warn ewes, theys have only learnt tae sing wan song so far and its called Free Blind Mice.

Az finks ma pal Big Mac would dae right well on the K Factor, coz hee haz a right sad story tae tell, coz he iz in prison . See it disnae matter if ewes can sing or no tae win that competition, ewes just need tae have a right sad story tae tell and awe the geezers who vote feel right sorry fur them. Right, az iz off tae post an entry form fur Big Mac, Ruby & Basil Brush fur the K Factor. Az wiz finking they should have a right cool name and az wiz lookin at they peepells on the X Factor called Same Difference, and az finks Big Mac, Ruby and Basil Brush, should call themselves the Same Sh...e!!
Big Presley haz left the building tae go tae the post box. Takin Care of Business

Sabotage on Presleys Blog

Ma blog hus been sabotaged by ma Mum. Thats jist no right. This is ma place fur me tae speak way awe ma beetches. Wit is ma Mum awe aboot. First she gets the Vet tae steal ma Crown Jewells and noo she is tryin tae sobatage ma blog. Az iz gonny huff tae bite her later, and maybees az will smash a few dishes, and az is gonny yell and yell and yell.

Noo let me tells ewes somfin, az didnay willingly particpate in the taking of that stoopid picktoor, az wiz tortured fur them tae take that picktoor. Do ewes ken wit theys did tae me and ma Molls? Theys held oot biscuits fur us and theys said that wees could have wan if wees stood right still, then theys tried tae strangle us way a sparkly rope thing, and tried tae put a red blindfold way a white border and bells on it over wur eyes, so's wees couldnae see wur biscuit. When wees managed tae gets oor blindfolds off, the biscuits wiz gone. Noo that is the truth, and az swears tae masell that is no right.

Yesterday az wiz away dane ma xmas shoppin, and az went straight tae ma old pal Anne Summers tae see if az could gets ma Molls somfin right nice fur her xmas. Noo, az kens ewes will finks az iz just a Romantic at heart, but az jist want tae keep in ma Mollys good books so's that she will play leap frog way me. Noo, az is going tae let ewes awe sees wit az haz managed tae buy fur her.

Az haz bought her two fings. Az haz bought her a Santa Sack thing and thats her present sittin on the top. Its a pair of pawcuffs, and theys will fit right nice intae her Santa Sack!!

Az is hopin that ma Molls will be sooooooo eggsited on xmas mornin when she sees ma present fur her, that she will want tae play way me and az can see if her pawcuffs fit her.

Noo az iz no wantin awe ma udder beetches tae get right jealous, coz az haz jist got ma Mollys a present, coz if any of ewes want tae come over and visit me, az will gee ewes a present tae!!!

Big Presley haz gone tae check his Hemail. Taking care of business xxx

Hi from Presleys Mummy!

Hi everyone, this is Presleys' Mummy here. Presley is in bed now, because its after 9pm!

I thought I would show you all the lovely picture that I took of Presley earlier tonight, doesnt he look so nice dressed up in his Christmas Hat and Tinsel?

And this is Presleys little bossy girlfriend Molly xx

Presleys Poem

Az wiz bored way the weather today so az jist sat doon an wrote ewes a wee poem.

This morning, az woke up and kissed my dad's head.
I peed on the carpet, then went back to bed.
"The life of a lurcher, this is great.
"Then I fought aboot breakfast," I hope az iz no late.

"Mum took me ootside, we walked fur a while.
This never fails tae make ma Mum smile.
I sniffed everyfin, that we did pass,
I ate somefin weird - it gave me some gas.

Az am sure God loves me, az knows that is true.
He geed me so many great things tae choo.
Rugs, plants or socks, az really didnae care.
What I truly like best, iz ma Dad's underwear.

That cookery book, was sort of yummy.
But it didnae sit well on ma poor tummy.
Az threw up a bit, but that wiz awe right,
When Mum found it later, I was well oot of sight.
Az ran at full speed. but az wiz still on the lead.
Az flew under the bed, and Mum flew past me

Mum foned ma Dad, and said, "It was frightening!
"The efternoon, she was sure I'd pooped lighting.
She'd sat at the computar, while az chewed the cord,
She thought az wiz mad, but az wiz just bored.

When Mum had enough, couldn't take anymore,
That's when my bottom got shoved oot the door.
Az love it inside, but ootside is best.
Az lay in the grass, way a beer fur a good rest.

That didnae last long, there was to much tae do--
Can't quite remember where az hid ma Dads shoe.
Az foond an old bone, and scratched at a flea,
Az even asked Molly tae play leap frog way me.

Big Presley has left the study, takin care of business, see ewes all the morrow. x

Cross Dressin - Dugs in Drag!!

Az haz geed aw ma pals some training tips, but az haz bean real worried aboot some of ma pals. This is right getting me doon, coz az iz worried theys is bean right frigin tortured in their prison. The wans az iz real bothered aboot is Willow, Millie, Eva and Toby McKay. Their prison guard haz only gone and dressed them up in Santa suits. What is that aw aboot?? Az thinks theys have a right sick prison guard tae dae that tae ma mates. Noo, let me pit this in writin, ewes will never in two million zillion billion years (thats a right long time), EVER catch mees or ma Molls in fancy dress, Esp...cially Santa suits. Thats just NO COOL.

Az canny believe that folks are still being tortured, in this day and age, efter all wees may be in prison, but its hardly Guantanomo Bay. Az kens all aboot that place coz az seen the movie way ma pal Jack Nicholson, A Few Gid Men. Havin said that, the plonker only went and spilled the beans when hees wiz faced with yon wee boy, (az finks he wiz called Tam Ship), in the court room. Az wiz squirmin, coz az didnae think he wid wet himsell under pressure, thats no the way tae go, coz ewes looses all street cred. Jack N, wiz gone tae be wan of ma heros coz he wiz pure dead brilliant in the Shiting, but hees blew it in the court room. Az didnae ken he liked wee boys so much that he went aw that gooey eyed over Tam Ship, and bloo his cover!!

Anyways, tae get back tae wit is worryin me. Ma big pal Blue gets dressed up in wumins clothes and noo the McKay family iz dressin up az Santa Closs, thats just no right, an az dont wont tae end up on Prozac just coz az is worried. Az is going tae see Toby McKay and his femily this weekend and az will need tae have a quiet word way them. Theys looked like they should be on wan of they porny xmas calendars, coz theys wur lying on a bed taegether!! Az jist canny go alang way that type of behaviour.













Az will lets ewes aw ken how az gets on Sunday coz az finks me and Molls iz going tae see some guy called Johnny Walker who haz a Cuntry Park somewhere neer Edinburger. Az will see oz ma Pals there and az will let ewes ken how az gets on. PS. Az is no meant tae ken me and Molls is going, but on Sunday az will yell and yell and yell and yell until theys gets soooooo fed up way me that they will give in and take uz with them!
Big Presley haz left the study and iz takin care of business in the gerden. xx

Presleys Guide Tae Training

Az promised ewes that az wiz gony gee all ma pals a few training tips, so here theys are:

1.Efter ewer hoomans gees ewe a baff, don't let them towel ewe dry, cos awe yur hair will stand on end! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry ewersell on the sheets. This is right good if it's right nice clean sheets and before ewer hooman's beedtime.
2.Act like the convicted criminal that ewes is. When ewer hoomans come hame, pit ewer ears back, with tail between ewer legs and chin down, and act az if ewes have done somfin really bad. Then, watch as the hoomans frantically search the hoose fur the damage they fink ewes have caused. Note: This works best when ewes havnae done anyfin wrang.
3.Let the hoomans teach ewe a brand new trick, coz ewes will get loads of hotdogs when theys is training you. Learn it perfectly. Then the hoomans try tae demonstrate it tae wan of their pals, stare blankly back at the hoomans and pretend ewe have nae ideer what theys is talking aboot.
4. Help your hoomans learn patience. When ewe go outside to 'pee', sniff around the entire exercise yard as ewer hoomans wait. Act as if the spot ewe choose tae pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth. This works real well if ewer hooman is in a hurree.
5.Draw attention tae the hooman. When ewer out fur a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot tae 'poo.' Take ewer time and make sure everywan watches. This works right well if ewer hoomans have forgotten tae bring a poo bag.
6.When out fur a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange hooman walks by, theys will finks that ewer hoomans are right cruel tae ewe.
7. When playin in the exercise yard, don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with ewer hoomans. Make them go and chase it once in a while, coz theys are just bean lazy.
8. Hide from ewer hoomans when theys come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to ewe. Noo don't come oot until wan of ewer hoomans is panic-stricken and close to tears, thats so funnee.
9. When ewer hooman calls ewe tae come back in fae the exercise yard, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back tae the door, and watch the faces ewer hoomans pull at ewes.
10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go aff and make the hoomans take ewe oot for yur morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, get back intae bed quickly and fall asleep. Hoomans canny fall back asleep after going outside in the freeezin cold, this will drive them nuts!
11. Always lick the crown jewells, or surrounding area, when ewer hooman has their pals in, then goes up and lick their pals on the hand. Remember this works best when theys have a right gid view of wit ewe are dane, and make right loud noises when ewes are dane it.
Az hopes this will help oz of ma pals oot there, get the most fae their hoomans.
Big Presley haz left the study, tae go oot fur a pee. Takin Care of Business xx

Dont blame ma beetch Millie!!

Az wiz going tae gee ewes mare tips on how ewes need tae train ewer hoomans, but az heard a right sad story aboot ma pal Millie, wan of ma beetches, whoose Mum has been tryin tae blame her fur chooin wood. Noo that in itsell isnae anyfin special, but when its ewer hoomans bedside cabinet, its really funnee. Az dont know whys Millies Mum is blamin ma beetch, cos both sides looks like they huv been damaged evenly. I could maybe understand it if only wan side wiz damaged, coz that widnae look good, but its both sides!! Noo let me tell ewes a story, that az kens tae be true.

See noo this story reminds me of ma bouncer, big Mac, coz a kens he likes tae choo wood. Wit wiz happenin wiz this. Ma Mum wid go tae work and Big Mac would go fur a wee sleep on her bed, coz it wiz pure dead comfy. Noo the headboard that ma Mum had at that time wiz wan of they wooden wans wey slats at the tap and the bottom. It wiznae a cheap wan, it wiz pure dead expensive, as finks it cost ma Mum about £3.49. So when Big Mac woke up, hees wiz hungry, but couldnae be bothered gettin oot of bed tae go and eat the dried food stuff wees gets. Wees are fed on Salmon and Rice dry food. Salmon and Rice, az swear tae masell, that az haz never in ma hole life tasted Salmon, that smelt like a deed fish, its revoltin. Anyways, big Mac just lies there and haz a choo at ma Mums heedboard coz it taste the sames az oor dinner, and when he like gets right fed up lyin chooin the heedboard he jist moves doon and chews the bottom bit.

Noo the fing is this, how many of ewes likes tae wear pawcuffs? Theys are they fings ewes buy fae that wumin Anne Summers, she sells a right load tae the Polis. Well az kens that when ewes wear they fings, ewes have tae pit wan roond yer paw and wan attached tae somfin else, like an udder paw or a heedboard. And az also kens that theys leaves marks on wood real like, Big Macs teeef marks! So, ewes are gettin the picture noo!! Noo thats aw right if ewes like are pure dead ugly and live on yer ane, coz naebuddy is likely tae see yer bedroom let alone yer heedboard. But then see, ma Dad moves in and sees they marks on the heedboard, and he finks tae himsell, that not only does ma Mum like tae play leap frog, but he disnae have tae bother pittin superglue on his back paws, coz hees can jist use pawcuffs on her which will have the same effect. Noo who is going tae believe her when shees is tryin tae blame ma pal Big Mac fur chooin, well naebuddy is, ur they, no when wees gets fed Salmon & Rice!!

So oz is am sayin is, didny believe all yee read aboot ma beetch Millie doin damage tae wood in the bedroom, coz az finks that Millies Mum haz been usin pawcuffs and diznae want tae admit it tae her leap frog partner, well no the noo anyways.
Big Presley haz left the study, az is goin to check oot ma Mollys heedboard!!! Takin Care of Business. xx

Training Teckneeks fur Humans

Hullo, az haz been busy finking wit az should write in the training section of ma book and I fought az could gee ewes an idea of wit ma training section wid be like.
Hoomans are pure dead easy tae train, after all, just remember theys are only dug dealers. Theys didnae ken wit theys are doin half the time and the udder half of the time, theys is probably just in the spirit of things, and ewes ken wit az means by that!

Noo, first of all, ewes huv tae teach ewer Mum & Dad some simple commands. This is the stand up and get aff ma seat command. Let me gee ewes an example, this wan usually works best during their favorite telly programme or 20 mins before the end of an Epic Movie. Ewe iz lying on the floor and ewes want them to get aff the couch or a chair but theys is no fur movin. So, first ewes get up and stretch, follow that through way a right loud and smelly poomp. Noo see that gets their attention and theys pull funny faces. Then you walk very slowly tae the door and just stand. Noo they will probably tell ewes tae go and lie down, but thats exactly wit it iz ewes is tryin tae dae, just no on the floor. So walk over tae the telly and stand in front of it, so that they canny see it. Noo sometimes that is oz it takes, and coz they canny see the telly they stand up tae see the screen. Thats ewer cue tae take the seat. Noo if this disnae work, walk back tae the door. Just stand there for about 30 seconds and pretend to cry, then walk quickly over tae the nearest bit of furniture and start dane ewer stretchin exercises. Fur the dugs lift ewer back leg, or the beetches can dae squats. This is a right good stretchin exercise, especially if ewes has been lyin on the floor, coz ewes can get right stiff and, it gets ewes ready for a right gid comfy seat. The minute ewes lift ewer leg ewer Mum or Dad (sometimes both), will jump up. Noo theys will probably run tae the door shoutin "quick oot"...but just ignore them and go and take yer seat on the couch or chair. Noo, dont worry aboot them being mad at ewe, cos theys are soooooo relieved that ewe didnae pee on the furniture, theys will sit back doon on the floor until their telly programme is finished. Mission accom..pisshed.

Noo an udder thing wees really enjoy is when wees gets oor bellys rubbed, and the mare people who dae this tae you the better....just make sure they disnae go near the crown jewells, coz thats no nice. This wan is best done by folks who are visitin ewer prison, cos wance they start, ewes will make sure theys disnae stop until its time for them tae leave or their arm falls off way cramp. Wait until theys is sittin doon and go and lie at their feet. Its better tae lie on there feet, that way theys canny eescape. Roll over, and wag ewer tail, that seems tae encourage thems, coz they finks ewes are dead cute. Noo, they should bend doon and start tae rub yer belly, but if theys disnae, just keep pawin them until they do. Totally ignore ewer Mum & Dad tellin ewe no tae dae that, coz if they keeps sayin that, they will just look like right bad peepells in front of their visitors. This works right well on wumin way tights on, coz they disnae want ewes tae rip their 60 denier. Just keep repeating this action every time theys stop rubbin. This is such a good fing tae do, ewes can even fall asleep gettin this done tae ewes. See hoomans pays a right lot of money tae huv that done at wan of they romantherapissts, but az disnae trust anywan who's job end way a pisst!

That will gee ewes all somfin tae work on, and tomorrow az is goin tae gee ewes mare hints on how tae train hoomans.
Big Presley has left the study tae get a comfy seat. Takin Care of Business xx

Ma new Website

Az is sittin here, SITTIN az said, and az iz waitin fur ma Dad tae get up oot of his bed!! He fot he wiz Santa Closs last night and got right intae oor xmas spirit. Az telt him hee wid huv tae wait until xmas fur tae dae that, but he canny be bothered tae wait xmas.
Noo yesterday az wiz away tae fink about writin ma ane book, and az finks az will still day that, but az huv decided az will huv ma ane website. Az wiz wantin tae tells ewes all aboot ma pals and az finks az will need tae dae include a help line fur oz the dugs oot there that are being held captive in prisons. Az can gee them advice on wit tae dae tae pass the time, while theys are dane time. Noo lots of ma pals are Lurchers az finks, or if theys are no Lurchers, theys are all some other type of Lurcher, and maste Lurchers finks theys are suffering from insomnia if theys are awake fur mare than wan hour oot of 24!

Az fot that az could pit a bit of excitement back intae their lifes, coz way the exception of ma pal Blue who dresses up in beetches clothes, and ma babe Rag who is going tae Crufts, aw the udders seem tae have accpeted their fate tae live in prison. Noo look at the state of ma pal Toby McKay, huv ewes ever seen a face like that on a Lurcher? No, ewes huvnae, and thats coz he isnae wan, but for the purpose of ma book he falls intae the category of 'an udder type of Lurcher'. Noo az is going tae cheer him up a bit by givin him a few tips on how tae enjoy himsell.

Az haz made loads of Lurcher pals, this is like a list of them, but if anywan of ewes oot there wants tae be wan of ma pals, jist let me ken and az will add ewe tae ma list.
Pedigree Lurcher
Me, Big Presley the King
Pedigree Beetches
Molly, Rag, Jenna, Bess, Lilli, Sasha, Millie, Maisie, Eva, Daisy,Cas, Mollie, Millie, Tigger, Cara, Bess, Bella, Janie, Gala, Maggie, Bella, Lulu, Sophie, Patsy, Sally, Keera, Zoe, Richa, Sorcha
Lurchers
Ivor, Mac, Ruby, Wizzard, Bazil, Blue, Aaron, Willow (aye hee a dug, honest!), Murph, Spooky Casper, Dave, Tom, Mr Spoons, Vernon, Speedy, Gus, Wills, Angus, Chad, Juno, Fly, Badger, Rory, Rio, Sandy, Douglas, Jack, Bud, Billy, Wicket, Sunny
Udder types of Lurcher
Toby McKay, Mr Mudpie, Sam, (30 GS's who stay way Aunty Rachel), Benny
Human Lurchers
Antee Noras & Unkill Derek
Auntee Rachels & Unkill Eddee
Nick Ricketts CBE (Cremations, Burials, Etc)
Hump - Sir Les Patterson
Syco Barber - Gordon Smith
DA - Derek Acorah
Dennis - Soundman beeb
Lurcher Cats
Six, Olly, Zoro, Charlie
Lurcher Mice
Mr Jingles x 53 (aw deceased)

Big Presley haz left the study, hees iz away tae check hiz 'Hee Mail', tae see if anywan wants tae be hiz pal.

Wan King in the Pack

Last night az wiz flickin through the TV channels on the telly, lookin fur Maste Haunted, but az couldnae find it, but az did find some right funnee programmes, wan wiz called Dog Borstal. Noo az dont ken whys they dugs had tae go tae Borstal, cos theys were pure dead tame compared tae me and ma Molls. Ma Mum says theys all hud ASBO's on them and that is why theys were in dug borstal. Noo az finks Ivor had that virus wance, and az finks that the Vet gave him cream and anti biotics fur that problem, so mees finks they dugs wid be better at the Vet tae get that type of thing sorted.
Noo az haz also been fur tae learn tae train ma Mum, but no at dug borstal, but shees is so fick shee didnae undertand wit wiz going on. Shee's fot it wiz just a right cool day oot and she widnae dae wit az wiz tellin her tae dae. Noo az kens this tae be troo, coz it wiz me that got the good dug ceritificate and she didnae get wan.
Az haz bin lookin intae ways tae train ma Mum tae be better behaved, but az finks az is wastin ma time. Aw the advice that az keeps reading aboot, says that there needs tae be a top dug, like wees is animals or somfin. Noo as ewes already ken az is the King and there can only be Wan King here in this prison. So az haz tae be in charge of ma pack. Ma Dad wiz right upset wae this idea, so az telt him he could be in charge of his six pack. Noo before ewes aw fall aboot laffin ewer heads aff at the fought of ma Dad huvin a 6 pack, I wiz meanin his 6 pack of beer.
So az is the top of the pack, me the King. But see that is where az huz ma first problem, coz az wiz wantin Molly tae be next in ma pack and be the Queen, but that idea seems tae huv caused a bit of a problem here, coz Bazil says he wants tae be the Queen!!. What is that aw aboot?? Az haz tried tae tell him he canny be a Queen coz he iz a dug and hees husnae even got any crown jewells! Well az finks he says he wanted tae be the Queen, but maybees he says he wants tae be Queer, either way, az canny huv that in ma pack. Az finks Basil disnae ken if hees is Arthur or Marthur. So az is going tae make Basil the Joker in ma pack, and ma Molls can be Queen of Herts. (no the fitba team Herts, she is Queen of the leap frog team). Noo az finks the next in ma pack should be Mac, coz he is ma bouncer, so hees haz tae be a Club, coz thats where ewes find bouncers. Noo az is no talkin about the wumin wae the teets, az is talkin aboot the bouncers on the door. So big Mac is Jack of Clubs. Ivor can be a Spade, az wiz gony make him a Spoon, but ewes canny huv a spoon in a pack. Ruby huz tae be the Queen of Diamonds, cos az finks a Ruby is a type of diamond. (Dont tell Molls, coz she will be right angree tae fink az huz another Queen in ma pack). Wizzard can be.....am no too sure wit he can be, maybees az will make him wan of they cards that ewes can play blind. Sorry wizzy az iz no makin fun of the fact that ewe canny see, but az hud tae make ewe wan of them, or az would have tae change ma pack tae a pack of tarrot cards tae fit ewes all in.
Az finks az will need tae write ma ane training book noo that az huz got ma pack in order.
Presley haz left the study tae fink aboot writing his ane book. xx

Presleys ane Perfume!!

Yesterday az wiz tellin ewes aboot ma pal DA and how hees is possessed way the spirits fae a bottle, but todays az is going tae tell ewes aboot ma other pal Barry Humphries. Az know him as Hump, cos that iz a right cool name.

Anyways, az wiz reading the Sunday Mail the other day, az thinks it wiz probably on Tuesday, and az sees an advert fur ma pal Hump. Hees is appearing at the SECC as part of a comedy thing in Glesga. Noo az dont ken if any of ewes kens ma pal Hump, but hees like pure dead funny coz he like gets possessed by other people tae. He gets possessed by a beetch called Dame Edna, but the wan that az likes the best, is when hees is possessed by a ghoul called Sir Les Patterson. See coz like, he is the only 'Les' thats no on Channel 5!!! That reminds me of a right funnee fing az sees on the telly, when a geezer wiz asked to name a 'Bean' and he says 'Baked Bean' but they widnae allow that coz someone else had already said that, so he changes his answer tae Les Bean!! I right laffed ma socks off at that answer, that wiz so funnnnnnnnee!! Ewes will no be surprised tae learn that Les Bean wiznae the right answer!

Anyways ma pal Hump haz his ane official website coz hees is the Chairman of the Australian Cheese Board. Noo hees diznae bother too much aboot being PC, noo az dont mean a personal compootar, az is meaning Politically Correct, coz he diznae care who he like offends and az finds that so funnnnnnee, cos the whole world haz gone nuts tryin no tae upset anyone. He is a bit like aw they beetches whoose are selling their fragrance wae their name on it. Coz Hump has his ane fragrance and if ewes stand close tae him ewes can smell it!! Hees haz also decided tae look after himsell, so hees haz cut doon on smoking and drinking. Hees only smokes 60 a day noo and wan bottle of whisky, so I guess hees will be lookin right cool when az sees him next march.

Az haz got tae go the noo, coz az is makin ma ane fragrance here in the study. Az will be back later. Big Presley haz left the study....he is takin care of business in the gerden!! x

Introducing DA, starring in Aladdin

Az seems to have confoosed some people when az wiz talkin aboot ma pal Derek Acorah, (az will call him DA fae noo on), cos theys didnae ken who is wiz. So az fought I should explain tae all ewes uneducated people wit it is az is talkin aboot, cos hees is nofin like ma pal Syco.

He is yon geezer fae the telly, and he does that programme Maste Haunted. Noo az haz never met him before, but az thinks az will need tae have a word in his shell like, cos although az finks hees is the funniest thing az seen since ma Mum was bitten by Ivy, az thinks he has right lost the plot. See, me and ma Molls sit up right late intae the night watchin Maste Haunted. Az loves it, but Molly is scared, and she covers her eyes, ESP..cially when DA gets possessed wiff spirits.

Noo fur all ewes who huvnae seen Maste Haunted, its on wan of they telly channels fae Scotland, called the Isle of Skye, or Skye for short. Thats a right good way fur geezers fae Skye tae earn a livin, making spooky telly programmes, at least theys is leavin the sheep alone!

Noo, see this Maste Haunted is like the Panto Aladdin! Ewes have the main character Aladdin, he is played by ma pal DA. Ewes have Widow Twankey who is played by Evette Fielding (fae Blue Peter). Ewes huv the Genie who is also played by my pal DA, and ewes huv Wishee Washee, who is Evette Fieldings leap frog partner, and hees is also the Producer.

This is wit happens, theys goes along tae a right spookee lookin hoose, a bit like ma prison here, and theys wanders aroond the place in the dark looking fur ghouls. Widow Twankey then introduces Aladdin and she asks him if he can feel any ghouls! Thats when hees grabs his bottle and gees it a rub (before drinking the spirit contents), and oot comes the Geenee!! Aladdin is totally possessed by the Spirit oot the bottle by this point, and hees pits on a brilliant voice. Now ewes will no believe wit he does next! He starts rubbin his paws together sayin things like, "aye is the Master and ewe is the Wench" (wench is an udder word for beetch), and then he starts to feel Widow Twankey Teets! YUCK!! Aye this is true!! Wishee Washee then appears fae oot the dark and gees the Geenee a right tankin fur touchin up his Mrs!! Az is laughin ma socks off by this point. Wishee Washee then distracts us from the fact that hees has just beat up the Geenee, by chucking stones aboot the Haunted Hoose. Thats why he is called the 'Producer', cos hees is the producer of the stones! Ewes will need tae watch this sumetime, its the best comedy panto on the telly.

Az hopes this clears up who DA is fur ewes and although at wan time he wiz a respected Spooky man, he blew it when he agreed tae join the cast of Aladdin in Maste Haunted.
Big Presley has left the study, az is on a mission tae find a ghoul. Oh.....Mum where are you??

Fooneral of a Skunk

Hullo, as iz no very happy today, cos as has just found oot that ma Mum & Dad went tae meet ma pal big Dennis the soundman and didnae take me along. Noo, as has found out that ma Mum & Dad, were away making they weerdo movies again, this time theys wur in a Pet Cemetery. A swear tae masell, that wan day ma Mum will star in a Stephen King movie. Anyways, as wiz checkin oot the fotaes they took at the Cemetery and ah sees that ma old pal Dennis huz buried the deed squirrel on a stick and he hus a black thing on a stick noo. As thinks this must be a deed skunk or somfin. Theys telt me it wiz called a 'boom', and lets face it, if somewan stuck a pole up ewer back bottom, you wid go Boom aswell!! See this fotae, thats ma pal Dennis on the left, Mick the producer in the middle, Jim on the camera, and the deed skunk at his feet on the right!













Az also found oot that yon geezer that is called the Syco Barber wiz with them. Az thinks on a Sunday he goes undercover and calls himsell Gordon Smith. Az didnae ken why hees is called a Syco Barber, probably cos hees uses a machette or somfin tae cut hair and makes a right mess of it. Az need tae warn ma beetch Jenna wae the long hair no tae go tae him, in case he diznae dae a good job and anyways, az can pit up way her long hair, it gees me somfin tae hold on tae when wees is playin leap frog!

Noo I heard ma Mum sayin that the geezer, the Syco Barber is a right smart guy cos he, like, communicates wiff the deed. Noo that wid make sense as tae why he wiz talkin tae ma Mum, cos everytime az looks at hur, as thinks she looks like she died a few years ago!
Az haz read some of the Sycos books, no aboot cuttin hair, but the wans that hees talks aboot the efter life and az thinks he is real cool, cos he disnae make things up and he like, 'feels' if there is beetches around. Noo, az is a bit like that, cos az 'feels' if there are beetches around me, 'esp' ...cially, all the wans that wants tae play leap frog wae me, big Presley the King! Az haz decided that az is going tae allow the Syco Barber tae be ma pal and wees can share oor stories aboot 'feeling' the beetches around us. Az will let ewes ken hows az gets on wae ma new pal, and when his new book comes oot aboot feeeelin beetches. Az reckons its going tae be a right cool book, but az hope az didnae end up in his book fur a right long time. Big Presley is away off feelin his beetches! Ewes can check oot ma pals website on http://www.thepsychicbarber.co.uk/

Ma noo Beetch and Mr Mudpie!!

Hullo, its me big presley here again. Well it widnae be anywan else cos it is ma blog. Right noo, as huz got that cleared up, as just wantin tae tells ewes wit a right good day a hud. This has tae be wan of the best days as has ever hud in the hole of ma life. Noo wit type of day do ewes think ah wid think wiz a good day? Well, as likes a right good mixture of being way ma Molls, ma Mum & Dad, a wee drink, a day oot of the open prison, and loads of beetches. Today az had the lot!!
Me and Molls got taken oot in the Pet Hearse again and wees didnae ken where wees wur going, but wees travelled fur aboot 8 hours and wees arrived at a place called.....well, it diznae matter wit it wiz called, but it wiz a park. Ah sees ma old pal Toby McKay, so that wiz right cool, its always a right releef tae see that hees is still aroond, and his Mum hasnae done him in.
Then az sees a sight and ah fot az had died and gone tae heaven!! Az found a real beetch! Noo she wiz a bit hairy, but az didnae mind that, cos as wiz readin that wumin in Germany are right hairy tae! So as wiz thinkin this beetch must be, like Europeen or sumfin. Az fot she wid be called Heidi or somfin, cos as thinks that is a German type name, but she wiz called Jenna, as guess that wiz pretty close tae ma original guess.
Here is ma new beetch Jenna, noos ewes can look but no touchin. Noo fur ewes way bad eyesight as knows Jenna wiz a real cool beetch, cos shes has 'beetch' written on her collar.









Noo as has tae keep masell in tip top condition for all the beetches to like me so much, and az haz tae work oot in the exercise yard everyday. Noo, ewes all ken just how handsome az is, but let this next picture be a warning tae ewes all, wit will happen if ewes didnae look after yersells. I dont ken wit type of Lurcher this dug is, and I guess he probably looked alright before the 2nd bus hit him, but check oot the nick of this dug!! Az is the wan on the right by the way!! Ewes will no believe wit this dug is called. He is called Mr Mudpie! Thats no right surely?









This get mees thinkin, and me and ma pal Casper (there somfin spooky aboot ma pal Casper), and another new beetch of mine, she is called Lilly Twinkle (dont ask me where that name came fae!!) wees had wan of they conference things (no a pear, cos there wiz 3 of us) aboot Mr Mudpie havin a bit of the old cosmetic surgery done!

Plonker Award!!

Well ello awe ewes oot there, as is back. I wiz busy yesterday so as couldnae post, and as wiz nearly at the Vet again cos as hurted masell laffin, cos ma sides were so sore fae laffin at ma Mum's stooopidity. I wiz gona get ma Mum nominated fur a Darwin Award. Noo fur awe of ewes uneducated wans oot there, a Darwin Award is this: named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards represent examples of evolution in action by showing what happens to stoopid peepells who are unable to cope with the basic dangers of the modern world. These ironic tales of fatal misadventure illustrate some of life's most important lessons.
Noo as ma Mum is alive, only just, she canny get a Darwin Award, but as wiz thinkin, she certainly deserved the Plonker Award. A Plonker Award is named in honor of the mother of stoopidity!
Wee's hus an inmate here at the open prison called Ivor or Ivy for short, cos hee's has some tendencies!! Anyways, he is a real nut job and hee's is probably in prison fur murder of somfin, and hee's has tae keep his Hannibal Lectar face mask on awe the time. Two nights ago Ivy got a treat, cos he hadnae bit anywan fur about three days. After he wiz finished his treat ma Mum fot it wid be a good idea tae rub Ivys tum. Noo that wiz where she went wrang! Cos see, Ivy is so dangerous cos he diznae gee peepells any warning that hee's is aboot tae bite. He like, right catches peepeels off their guard, as hud taught him that efter a hud watched Mohammed Ali fight. Fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee! Way tae go big man!!

So next thing hee's grabs ma Mums hand and tells her tae get hersell tae .......! Maybees he fot she wiz gona check oot his crown jewells or sumfin. Ma Mum pulls her hand back at like 2,000 mph, leaving behind half her skin in his moof! Brilliant eh?? Az wiz laffin cos of the faces she wiz pullin, she looked like a Pit Bull chewin a Wasp, but then she says "I'm sorry Ivy"!! Like she wiznae bovered!! Brilliant, shee's wiz apologising tae Ivy fur near maulin her tae death.

Mum hud tae go tae the Vets tae get her hand all fixed up and a bandage pit on it, and I wiz right laffin when as foond oot she hud tae get an injection in her bak bottom!! As fought ewes wid like tae see wit big Ivy looks like and show ewes a picktoor of wit happened in slow motion this time. Noo a canny says that nae peepells wiz hurt in the makin of this fotograff, cos there wiz!!!

Nae Danger, these ur True Stories!!

Noo as ewes all ken, as am right smart, cos as is a Pedigree Lurcher. Lots of ma beetches wants tae ken wit it is as diz wiz ma time when as is no dane time! Well as like tae spend ma time funding oot wit is going on in the world, cos that is hows a keep masell right clever. Otherwise as wid end up way a brain the size of a pee. No the type of pee ma Molls does, as is talking aboot the size of a mushy pee. As thought ah wid telt ewes some right true stories, from aroond the world and ewes will see how stoopid some folk can be.

Noo this first story is aboot a man form Samburu, (no tae be confused with the car), which for awe ewes uneducated folk is North of Nairobi, Kenya, Africa. This man wiz wan of they nomad types, which tae me is a contradiction in terms, cos 'no mad' isnae how ah would describe him. He wiz walkin up the road, (as thinks he wiz at the pub), but next thing is, he is attacked by a Lion! Noo, that widnae happen tae us walking hame from the pub (ewes are mare likely tae be stabbed), but this man lives in Afrika, so its kinda normal fur them tae be mugged by a lion. He only went and kilt it way his bare hands!! I guess ewes could say he was right lucky no tae huv been eaten alive. But thats no the funnee fing!! Guess wit happened next? The Hyenas came oot to eat the Lion, but theys attacked the man instead. Attacked twice in the wan day, noo if it wiznae fur bad luck, this man widnae huv any luck at all!!. But see they Hygenas theys are right smart, cos they obviously seen the man kill the Lion way his bare hands, so wit did they goes and do, but eat his hands and feet!! So he couldnae kill them. He wiz left fur dead, wae no hands and nae feet (see he wiz legless, thats hows as knows he wiz at the pub). His pals took him to the hospital, but he died two days later. Moral of this story, if ewes drink too much at the pub, ewes end up legless!

This next story will be of interest tae all the dug dealers oot there, cos maste dug dealers that ah kens likes aw types of animals. This wiz aboot a man in Kansas City (thats in America), and ewes will no believe wit he wiz dane. he had only gone and got himself a pet Frog! YUCK. But waits till as tells ewes wit he wiz dane way his frog! This is disgusting, no fur the faint hearted!! He wiz lickin it....!! Noo what the ....... is that aw aboot! How did he no just gee it a bath like most normal peepells wid huv done. It turns oot this frog had a right funny name, he wiz called a Highly-hallucinogenic frog. Thats a right posh name fur a frog. Moral of this story, if your pet needs a wash, pit him in a bath, cos if ewes lick him clean, ewes will be pit in prison!!

Noo as has read another story, this wan is from China, but as will need tae dae ma homework first cos this wan is right disgustin. See ma Dad has long hair and he ties it back in a pony tail. You ken the type, hees can walk doon the road and get a wolf whistle from the brickies, cos theys thinks he is a right bootifool beetch, then he turns aroond and theys sees he is a bloke. Anyway as has just read that in China theys are making hair bands fae used Condoms!! What is that all aboot?? As is gone tae huv tae go and check exactly wit ma Dad is usin tae tie his hair back wiff. Big Presley has left the study, as is checkin oot the hairbands!! xx

A Stoat'in True Story!

Ewes widnae believe wits happened doon here at the open prison...this wiz so funny as fot as should tell ewes aboot it. Ewes kens how ma Molls is the number wan Moose Hunter in the World, well ok, probably just in oor exercise yerd. Every night ma Molls goes oot armed wae her ain teeth, lookin fur a moose for us tae keep as a pet, like Mr Jingles. Noo ewes kens she aye ends up killin oor pet by mistake, but she keeps tryin and wan day I'm sure wee's will huv oor ane Mr Jingles and he will no be deed.

There are millions of wee furry things oot here in the country and wees is just wantin wan tae call oor very ane. As wiz askin ma Mum if wees could get a cat or sumfin, but she said No all cos of ma Molls track record of killin things. A tried tae explain to ma Mum that me and Molls would grow up mentally unstable and probably huv tae have wan of they Frontal Lobotomee fings, if wees didnae huv oor ane pet, but she wiznae bovered and she says that she fot ah already had a Frontal Lobotomee!!. Well that is choice comin from hur, as ewes are aboot tae learn.

A geezer comes tae the open prison and he tells ma Mum he wiz fae the Cooncil and he wiz there tae lay traps for wee furree fings. So as wiz thinkin tae masell that ma Mum wiz gony get me and Molls a Mr Jingles fur wur Christmas or sumfin. Then as heard ma Mum tellin this geezer that she fought theys wur rats!! No wae man. Nae buddy telt me that they wee furree fings wiz rats!! This geezer agreed way ma Mum that cos Tom & Barbara Good, next door hus chickens, that wees could be sharin oor exercise yerd way Rats. Az is no stayin in a place where there is Rats! But then ma Mum telt him that ma Molls keeps killin oor Mr Jingles. This geezer then said..."oh didnae worry then, you'll no huv rats if ewes huv mice, cos the rats would huv ate the mice". This wid right pit ewes aff yer dinner, but its true! Mum, said, well come and look round the front of the house, there is markings which I think is Rat Tracks. Noo, me and Molls couldnae see wit wiz gone on, but wees could hear.
The geezer telt ma Mum that it wiznae a Rat Track, is wiz the track of a Stoat!! He telt ma Mum, ewe definately didnay huv rats if ewes have a stoat, cos theys eats the rats!! OMG, this is like a hole Biology lesson and wees huvnae even been tae school!! Well me and the Molls wiz laffin oor heeds aff, cos ma Mum looked so stoopid going on aboot rats!! She wiz right pleased tae hear that wee's didnae huv rats in oor open prison cos wees had a stoat!! Halleluyah, then came the punch line. Ma Mum looks at this geezer and said "Oh, wees fought it wiz rats and wees has poisoned the stoat" Isnt that brilliant. So noo the same geezer hus tae come back next week again tae make sure, the frigin rats huvnae moved in cos ma Mum only went and kilt the fing that wiz keeping them away. Me and Molly wiz laffin so much, Molly pee'd hersel again! And tae think ma Mum finks as had hud a Frontal Lobotomee...!!!

Fooneral of a Squirrel

As wiz tellin ewes wit happened tae me when the BBC were filmin at oor open prison here in Lan Ark. As thinks BBC stands fur Best Beetch Contest. So as wiz sittin fur hoors all ready to meet the beetches. As wiz lookin right cool man, except fur the fact that ma Mum had pit that horrid, purple and gold foonereal looking collar on me! Noo thats no funnee, cos as dont want ma beetches to think that am no cool.
As wiz getting all ma best chat up lines ready for the beetches and as wiz practising on ma Molls.

As thought as could use some of ma best chat up lines like:
"Dae ewe ken wit wid look good on ewe..? an I wid say ME!!
"Dae ewe ken the difference between a game of leap frog and a game of fitba" an I wid say "Come wae me and az will show ewe"
"As wonder wit oor puppies wid look like, dae ewe want tae find oot?"

As thinks these are ma best chat up lines and sure tae win the heart of any beautiful beetch. Ma Molls is laffin like mad, well she is gona be mad, when she see's me way an udder beautiful beetch and that will wipe the smile aff her face.
Ma Mum, finally comes to get me, so's as takes a right deep breath and yells Geronimo, here is me big Presley the King!!! Where is awe the beetches?? Doh, wit is going on here, there isnae a beetch in sight!! There wiz only a geezer wae the clap thing, you know that thing theys put infront of a camera and they snap it shut and says "Ackshon". The geezer way the right posh lookin camera, and the geezer way the deed squirrel, way the pole stuck up his jacksy. Noo as is feelin like as has been conned here, and thats no funnee. Ma Molls is laffin, she finks az is looking right stoopid!!
Next thing as knows is Me, the Molls and ma big black Minder Mac, are being put intae ma Dads Pet Hearse! The geezer way the deed squirrel is sitting in the front of the Hearse. Maybees wee's is gone tae a fooneral fur the squirrel or sumfin. As looks as the geezer way the deed squirrel and I fought his face could dae way a wash! So ah geed him a right good face wash, and ah even cleaned oot his ears, cos as thought theys could dae way a wash too!! Noo, as ken that naebuddy likes tae huv their face washed, especially by a dug who has just checked oot the crown jewells, but this geezer was giggling like ma Molls does, when as plays leap frog way her!! A fought this geezer is right enjoyin me dane this and that wiznae right!! As is no some weerdo! So ah stopped washin him, and went back to ma job of makin sure ma minder, big Mac was clean aroond the nether regions!! Cos see hee's is black and sometimes he canny see if hee's has got bits of YUCK stuck tae his back bottom!! As didnae want tae been seen in public way a minder way a dirty back bottom!
Wees goes tae a place called Biggar, well it isnae Biggar than me, in fact the place wiz closed. I thinks that MI6 and the MFI agents must have cleared the place cos, wee's the Royal Femily wiz due tae visit.
Anyways, I wiz filmed walkin up and doon the road like some kind of demented nutjob prizoner just let oot fur the day!! It wiz then that a found oot that the BBC wiznae a contest for the best beetch, but theys wiz some British Company that make docoomentarys aboot prizoners of war. But as is going tae be on the Tellys, and maybee's it will be proved that as is innocent of all charges and I will be freed!! As will let ewes all ken when tae watch ewer tellys, and all ewes beetches oot there will need tae apply in writing fur tae spend the night way me!
Big Presley has left the building, tae check fur fan mail x

Takin the Lead Role!

As has already written this blog thing fur today, but as wiz readin it again and as didnae like it, so as is writing it again.
See a couple of months ago, as hud been listen to ma Mum talking tae some geezer that wiz in oor hoose. Noo, as didnae ken who this geezer wiz, and a didnae ken if ma Dad kent that an udder geezer wiz in oor hoose when hee's wiz at his work. Noo am no a grass, (unless its ma Molls dane somefin that a could be blamed fur), but as wiz just worried that some geezer wiz wantin tae cut ma Dads grass. Anyways, I heard him telt ma Mum that he wiz fae the BBC and theys wiz wantin tae make a movie aboot ma Mum, AND he wiz wantin tae include the dugs here at the prison, especially me, the King! Well, as thought tae masell, I wiz right all alang, this geezer is tryin tae get ma Mum tae dae weerdo fings. Az iz no gony get involved in anythin like that!
So, as asked ma Molls wit the BBC wiz, and she didnae ken. I telt you she is fick. Well, see, I sat and fot aboot it, and then it hit me!! BBC obviously stood fur, Best Beetch Contest!! Way to Go big Man Presley, as says to masell.
Noo as heard this geezer tellin ma Mum that theys wiz gona film hear at ma prizon!! So as thinks tae masell that if aw these beetches wur coming here as better get masell squared up, and loose the Molls. I didnae want no beetches thinkin as wiz merit to the Molls and miss ma chances of playin leap frog wiff them.
As didnae need tae work hard tae look as good as a dae, cos as wiz born right handsome, as a is the King. I fot that if as just had a bath or sumfin that wid dae me. As goes oot in the rain and gets masell all wet, that wiz as near tae a bath as I wid get. Mum only went and dried me wae a towell, and as ended up lookin as though, someone hud stuck an electricity pylon up ma jacksy and switch the power on!! That wiznae the look as wiz gone fur, aw ma hair wiz standin on end!. So as spent the rest of the night tryin tae get ma lovely coat smoofed back doon!! Ma Mum must huv fot that she wiz been right funnee. Well as will no be huvin a bath fur another couple years efter that eggspeereeanse!!
As spent the rest of ma time workin oot in the exercise yard, so that I wiz all toned up. As wiz lookin brilliant and ready to play leap frog wae the beetches in the contest. As says bring it on! When the BBC came to oor hoose theys brought massive cameras, and some geezer called Dennis, hud a deed squirrel wae a pole shoved up its jacksy, that he kept sticking in everywans faces when they said somfin! Wit is that all aboot? How can ewes concentrate on lookin good, when some geezer keeps pokin ewe in the face wae a deed squirrel?? As tried tae look right cool, as didnae want to seem too keen, cos that could pit ma beetches off. As just sat and waited, and waited, and waited and waited and as waited all day!! Noo as may be cool, but as no that cool. So as started yellin at them tae get the beetches intae ma cell. Well, ewes are no gona believe wit happened next, and neither did eye! I wiz tells ewes all aboot it the morra. Big Presley has left the building cos as has business tae dae in the gerden!

PLO founded in Lanark

How are ewe's all doin today? As hus been real busy since I last telt you about me and Molls dane a Weegi Board. A fund a website called Freinds Reunited, and as wiz lookin tae see if there wiz some cool beetches on it that wanted to be ma friend, but it turns oot that there wiznae any dugs on it, let alone beetches! So it got mees thinking that a could start ma ane website called the PLO. Pedigree Lurchers Only, but its no tae be confused way they other nut jobs from the Middle East, cos theys hate the big noses, so as guess theys widnae like Pedigree Lurchers cos wees has big noses!
Anyways, as wiz looking through some old photographs fur tae post on PLO, and as haz found wan that I fought ewes wid like tae see, cos its so funnee. I wiz wonderin if ewes can work oot who it is in the photo. As am the wan in the top photo. Noo as will gee ewes all a clue!! He anit heavy..........!!

........he's ma brover!! Way to go man its Aaron!! Noo ewes will see he's no nearly as handsum as me, and he's no nearly as cliver as mees is, but ewes know wit they say about choosing yur pals, but ewes canny choose yur femily.





Ma Mum still greets cos she geed him away tae an udder family, but a telt her tae pull hersel together cos there is only room fur wan king in this family! Wan King.....!! Molls is pure dead laffin cos as wrote Wan King. She thinks as is pure dead funny!! Anyways, I'm right pleesed ma brover is dane so well fur himsel, cos I didnae think he wid survive way oot me tae give him guidance, so he has probably turned oot as thick as Mums mince!, but as canny help that. I miss you bruv, but as is still the King! I guess as there is only two Pedigree Lurchers in the whole of the world, me and ma bruv, there disnae seem much point in huvin a website to wur sells.

WEEGI BOARD's

As am often asked ma opinion on right weird stuff, like, neurosurgery, UFO's and, if there Life After Death!! Noo, a mur an intelligent dug, I like to way up all the facts before as gives ma answers to right difficult questions. Many people ask me aboot Life After Death, cos theys think like am a God or sumfin. Well for the record I can categorically state that there definately IS LIFE AFTER DEATH. Noo, a can PROVE this to ewes, cos if any of ewes seen ma Mum first thing in the morning ewes would know exactly wit as wiz talkin aboot! Ewes didnae need tae be a Scientist or have a Sixth Sense to see it fur yersells. I have even tried to capture this horrific imagine, of the walkin deed on ma camera, but so far, as have broken 3 cameras trying tae dae this!

Ewes can ask millions of people if wees dugs and cats have a sixth sense and theys will all agree wee's do. All the frigin Scientists in the world huvnae managed to prove that there is wan FAKE amongst us!! Ma wee pal Olly the cat, has mare sixth sense than any other cat I ken. I know this to be true cos, he runs and hides from folk before theys have even gone into his prison cell. Noo that is real cool.

At Halloween as says to ma Molls come on wee will have a WEEGI board, and ma Molls thought that wiz a right cool idea. She said tae me "who will be on the Weegi Board?" Wit are ewe talking aboot Molls?!? Wit dae yae mean who will be on it??? I dont know who will be on it until wees do it! I gets masell a right big piece of cardboard wae letters on it. Ma Molls wanted to know wit as wiz dane. She fought I wiz gone to write to people tae invite them on tae ma Weegi board, but as hud tae explain that wees just hud tae wait and see wit ghosts wanted to talk tae us from the 'udder side'. Then ma Molls said that she thought a Weegi Board wiz like some sort of Committee made up of folk fae Glesga, cos folks fae Glesga are sometimes called Weegi's, by the peepells from Edinburger!! Ma Molls is right bootifool, but she is as fick as ma Mums mince!!

Noo as hud seen ma pal Derek Acorah dane a Weegi board on the TV show, Most Haunted. He is so cool, he keeps getting possessed by Spirits, and then keeps talkin aboot takin Snuff (which is like LSD) Between ewes and me, az finks ma pal Derek has had wan spirit two many before he started his Weegi board!!
I gets a glass doon aff the counter in wur cell, and pit it on ma Weegi board. As then hud tae pit on a right spooky yell tae summons the ghosts. A yells at them, knock twice for Yes and wance for No. Ewes will no beeleeve wit happened!! I swear tae masell, we heard two loud knocks on the wall. OMG!! Man how cool wiz that. I was right laughin when ma Molls pee'd hersel. Ma Molls was greetin by this time, she didnae want tae play any more!! So a yells again and, another two knocks on the wall. I just wished a hud had all that fancy recording equipment that Derek Acorah uses to prove that there are ghosts, cos as could have been dead rich when I sold ma storee. Molls is right cryin her eyes oot noo, she telt me tae stop it, but a fot it was so cool, a wanted to find oot who wiz knocking on the wall.
A yells wan mare time, and wur cell door flew open!! In came ma Mum, and she said "I am not going to tell you again Presley, go to your bed and when I knock on the wall that means GO to bed". Oh No....heres me and the Molls finkin wee's had made contact wae a ghost and it wiz only the ghoul in the next room watchin the telly!!

Me and the Molls huvnae tried the Weegi board since, but as huvnae given up tryin tae prove that there is Life after Death, and as soon as a dae, ewes will be the first tae know. In the meentime, for all ewes septics oot there who dinny believe in Life After Death, gets yersells aroond tae our open prizon early in the mornin an see ma Mum!
Big Presley takin care of business, ghost huntin in the gerden! x

Never mind countin Sheep wit aboot Geese!

As canny work oot wit ewes hoomans are all aboot! I wiz lookin at a website aboot dugs & beetches, cos a wanted to see if theys had like a datin section, like a lonelee harts tipe thing. Az is no lonely cos as have ma Molls tae keep me companee, but wan day she is gonae be too old tae play leep frog way me and I fots ah should get ma sell known wiff a few udder 'lonelee' beetches. On this website theys had a bit that said what type of job would yur dog or beetch do if he wiz to go tae work!! What the ......, is that all aboot?? Wee's dont need to go to work, ewes day that, we stay in prison, and eat, sleep and play awe day.

So it gets mee's thinking, just what a shower of nujobs ewes hoomans reallee are, and as looked into wit types of jobs there wiz available. Noo I wiz a bit concerned when as found oot that ma Mum wiz a Pet Undertaker, what tipe of job is that? loony tune eh?
Well then, as see's a bit on ma Compootar aboot a guy who coounted Geese! We has millions of them been flying over oor prizon the last few weeks, and wiz wantin to find oot how easy it wiz tae fly. That would be a right cool way to eescape from ma prsion.

As a wiz readin aboot them, and as discovered that theys have flown all the way from Iceland, thats a right long way, theys must be rite sleepee by the times they get tae Lan Ark. Az guess theys are coming doon here fur Christmas dinner or somfin. Well no fur tae sit and eat dinner, like wee's do, but tae be stuffed up the jacksy and pit on a plate!! If as were them I wid have stayed where theys were, and frozen tae death! Seems better than having anythin stuffed up the old jacksy!
Then as see's that some plonker reckons that 17,000 migrate here every winter!! Noo what is that all aboot? Wit tipe of persun applied for a job coountin Geese? Huv ewes ever tried to even coount how many frigin birds are in yur gerden? Its nearly impossible, cos theys all look the same and everytimes you coount to aboot 6, they fly aroond and ewes huv tae stert all over again. So as been thinking that the guy who said he coounted Geese was talking a load of rubbish..!!! Wit are wees meant tae believe? Who paid him tae coount Geese? Noo am no Political, but as thinks it wiz probably Tony Blair.

Its like yon guy who discovered that ewes could get milk oot of they massive crown jewells! Wit possessed him to even see wit would come oot of there??? And, wit really gets me, is what possessed him to drink it?? YUCK

Anyways, as must go noo, cos as have got tae get on wae ma business. Elvis has left the study! x

EMERGENSEE YELL

As cannee believe az have had to wait awe day for a wee shot on ma compootar, cos az have reallee important informashon for all the dugs and beetches oot there.

Ewes must all know the story aboot the 'boy who cried wolf', that wiz a right funny story, me and the molls had a right good laff aboot how stoopid the boy wiz. See, I tells ma Molls that she shouldnae tell any lies, cos Mum & Dad will no beeleeve hur when shes is telling the troof. Me on the other paw, well I fot of a way aroond this problem, and az is going to share my seekret with ewes, so that ewes didnae get cot oot like the boy who cried wolf.

Right this is what I wants ewes all tae do. Ewes have to have different sounding yells to get yur Mum & Dads attenshon. Pick aboot 3 or 4 different yells, cos ewes dinnae want to huv too many or your stoopid parents will no be able to tell the difference. Ma Mum calls ma yells, barks! Barks, that wid be a good name for ma Mums pal Tree!
Az have wan yell fur when as is hungree, wan yell fur when as needs a pee, and wan for an emergensee! Ma Mum calls this ma cliping bark, cos a huv had tae use it when ma Molls is doin somefin right bad. Ma F....Mum kens ma different barks, and if she knows as is hungree or just needin a pee she just wanders in tae see me, like there is nae rush. Thats why a hud tae develop ma third yell, and when as does this, ewes wid think that someone had shoved a ton of rocket fuel behind her!! I laff when as see's her runnin like that, wi a look of sheer horrur on her face....its priceless and so funnee.

Noo I like to keeps ma emergency yell for real important things, like when Molls does somefin rang and I wants to see her gettin into bother from Mum. But wan day it kinda all went a bit rang fur me. Wit happen wiz this, as wiz playin hide and seek with ma Molls. I did the hiding and she did the seeking. So I fund a right cool place to hide. As decided to hide up on the unit in the wee room aft oor prison cell. (I think ma Mum calls it a utility room, when she is tryin to impress her poor pals). Anyways, as jumps up on to the unit, cos underneaf the unit is the washin machines! Aye wee's has two washin machines, cos wee's didnae want oor blankets washed in wey ma Dads socks, cos they stink! Ma Mum had left a basket thing fool of washin, so I wiz hiding behind that.

I wiz laffin like mad, cos ma Molls couldnae fund me and she wiz getting right upset, cos she is nae good at this game. Wit the ....... dae ewes think she went and did....only, went off in the huff and went moose huntin and left mee's hiding ma sell. Noo, ah dont know if any of ewes have ever tried to play hide and seek yersel, but its no fun. Its a bit like the time a played Eye Spy on ma ane, and a lost! So, I fot right thats it, as is never playin wey you again Molls, but a hud a wee problem. Cos as wiz stuck and as couldnae get back doon. I fought OMG, wit the ....... am a go nae dae noo. As stood fur ages tryin tae work oot how I wiz gonae get doon wey oot help from ma Molls. Then I fought I wid dae ma EMERGENSEE YELL. Wey hey...aye a noo it wid work, cos I heard ma Mum run like a bat oooot of hell. Then in a right split second, as thoughts to ma sell, OMG, az is go tae get into a right load of bover and as will end up back in the cooler. So I shut up!! But Mum was on a mission, but fankfoolee she didnae see me. She ran right past me and oot the back door! She did this aboot 3 or 4 times, and she wiz callin ma name. Oh no, wit the ...... should ah dae! She came runnin back in again, and then she saw me!! I just knows ma Molls only gone and telt her where as wiz hidin.

I didnae speak to ma Molls for a whole minute efter she dobbed me in, cos as wiz put in the cooler, but the right funny thing wiz, Mum put Molls in the cooler too. Am no sure if ma Mum will run as fast next times as have tae dae an Emergensee Yell, and if she disnae, it will be all Mollys fault. Moral of the story to all ewes dugs & beetches oot there, only use the Emergensee Yell if it is a reel emergensee!!
Big Presley has left the building cos as is takin care of ma ane business x

Ewe's dont speak English, like wit a do!!

Well you'll no believe wits happened......, someone has only gone and made a complaint aboot the way a talk. Aye a know, ewe's canny believe it, well neither could I, but its right true. Ma Mum said that this wumin from Engerland couldnt understand wit it wiz as wiz talkin aboot, cos as wiz tellin ma stories in Scottish. What the ..... is that aw aboot, a am Scotteesh! I disnae write in Scotteesh, as just writes in me, Big Presley the King, lingo.....like ma main man Ali G. This wumins name is Tree! That canny be right, wit type of Tree? You canny just be a Tree, wiffout being some type of Tree!! As wiz wunderin if she wiz like a pee Tree or sumfin, that me and molls wid like. I guess it must be some weerdo custom they huv in Engerland, no tae give wumin proper names. See me, ma name is Presley, that name originated in Engerland and for all ewes uneducated folk oot there, it means Meadow of Priests. When they named me they obviously thought I wiz the High Priest or sumfin, and thats why they changed it to Presley the King. There used to be loads of Kings in Scotland, but there is only wan noo.....ME!

So fur ma Mums pal Tree this is wit as is sayin:

Mum = Mum
Dad = Dad
Molls = Mollee ma beetch
Beetch = Bitch - thats a wumin dug
Wumin = Wooooooman
Wiz = Was or Pee
Ma = My or Scotteesh Maw
Dug Dealer = Someone who buys and sells dugs
Maw = Mother
Sumfin = Something
Leep Frog = Practising for the Grand National, with me Molls as the horse and me the jockey!
Chastity Belt = body harness for ma chain to be attached to
Udder = other
Codger = an elderly man
Choo = Eat everything regardless of wit its made of

Noo as hope this will help ma Mums pal, Tree, to undertsand wit it is as is writing aboot. Tree, that canny be right!! Noo, wait till ewes here the right funnee fing about this wumin. She is called Tree, and she is a dug dealer like ma Mum, but wit the ...... dae ewes think she went and called her dugs? Only Dave, Tom & Daisy!! They are reel proper names. Ewes wid think that she wid have called them things like, Root, Leaf, Branch, Twig or somfin, noo that wid have made sense!! Cos when the dugs went to school, and somewan says "who are you?", they could say, "as is Branch, Tree is ma Maw".

See ma mate Toby McKay, his brother is called Willow, what the ..... is that all aboot? Noo you dont need to be Inspector Clooso to work oot, that Tobys Maw must have stole Willow from Tree!!

Noo as knows ewes all canny be as smart as me, so if anywan oot there is gona gee a dug a name, phone me first and as will telt ewes wit tae call them. As been gettin a right load of fan mail from ma beetches, but apart from the Molls, who isnae lookin after hersel as well as she could, ma other best beetch is ma wee pal Rag. So fur aw ewes beetches oot there who want me to play leap frog with ewes, ewes are just gona huff to wait, cos as is in great demand.
Noo tomorrow, as gona tell you another story, and noo that ma Mums pal Tree kens wit as is talkin aboot, she will be able to underston me! Big Presley has left the building, taking care of business.....ootside in the gerden. x